I know he's the right one, so how long is this going to take!?

[lovelyluck]

I will use spacing to help organize this post. I don't want any confusion as to what I'm saying. I'm mostly looking for male advice, though I'm not going to refuse any experienced women.

 

I've know this guy since late Oct. last year. He pursued me. Called me pretty in class in front of everyone and after class offered to take me to smoothies. We're college students.

 

Fast forward a bit..We started hanging out. Both of us being fresh out of 4 year relationships, we didn't want to rush into anything. Just hangout. The enitre time he would tell me how comfortable he was with me, how much he loves talking to me. Never did anything I didn't want to do. So we hung out and I met his brothers and dad and cousin. Cute ****. December, we went on a sushi date that I planned and had so much fun. We laughed and both enjoyed the time we spent together. He told me to text him that night, and I did. And I didn't hear from him for two months. He was still following me on all social networks by the way. (From dec 23)... February 24th I got a text from him "Peekaboo" "I just wanted to apologize for being MIA" "If i'm completely honest with myself I think I was catching feelings and it freaked me out but ye I wanted to see what you were doing tonight"

 

I didn't reply for 6 hours..and when I did I told him I was doing homework. The next day I told him he wasn't the only one who was catching feelings and it's whatever..and if he wanted to meet up and talk about it that would be okay. He picked me up bought me lunch and took me to this "special" woods area inn town. So I ask him if he does this often, running away from his problems. He told me it wasn't a conscious decision. He's never done it before in his life and it isn't a usual action of his. He told me that he thought he was going to jail, and he wanted to fix his life before doing anything. I didn't ask if anything meant pursuing me so I kept listening. He told me that he has been playing around and not defining flings with girls and it gets to the point where they think they're in a relationship but he doesn't consider them exclusive. He told me that he didn't want to do that to me because i'm a nice a girl and I have good vibes and stuff. I was high, yes..so I straight out asked him..what do you want from me then? I didn't know why he was being so open with me and why he came back.

 

After he finished talking I told him how I wasn't trying to rush him into anything. How I don't want to be with anyone who has feelings for their ex still (he then told me how he doesn't think of her as much..only at random times), and how I appreciate his honesty. I was dropped off, gave him a hug and told him to text me whenever.

 

Fast forward. Early march we slept together for the first time. And I spent the night. We watched movies, he showed me photos of high school blah blah. We had sex 3 times. Very personal, sensual, emotional (lol no tears), but after the first time he told me the worst thing he's ever done. I could tell he never told anyone the stories. He also told me that he's never told anyone. I told him what I did, we had sex again..and etc. I had a plane to catch the next morning and that afternoon I texted him to make sure we didn't **** up our connection. I was so in the moment that night that I didn't want to ask him at that time. He told me he didn't think we messed up, so I was happy.

 

Fast forward. A few weeks after, I had a dream about him. I'm still mad at myself about how open I was. One was his dad talking to my mom and we were looking at antiques in a nice house. The other was him laying on me and telling me that no one was more important then me that she (idk who she is) doesn't matter. I have a feeling he had a similar dream because he's never texted me so early before. Anywho.. I told him the dream when he texted me that morning..and he became so defensive. "I don't have feelings for you, I feel bad that you have these feelings..etc blah blah" I know he was just scared..but I regret it entirely. That silver lining was blurred and I ****ed up. I told him not to freak out, that i wasn't obsessed, it was only a dream I can't control my dreams blah blah. And..yeah

 

I haven't heard from him since the 13th of March. I texted him twice and called once a week later..just a hey how are you whats up text and received nothing. Beginning of April, I unfollowed him and blocked then unblocked him so he wasn't following me anymore because I was tired of the indifference. A week later, the 7/8th I followed him back because I'm not like that, I know he's going through things and I want him to know i'm here for him. He still hasn't followed me back.

 

I know he's going to contact me again. Our connection is somewhat cosmic. If you believe in that. Oh: important facts : His ex broke up with him but keeps coming into his life when she feels he's happy (follows him on social networks..very manipulative), I know he doesn't have romantic feelings but there's a connection there since they were together for 4 years, I think (99% sure) she was involved in him getting arrested for weed which is why he has a hard time trusting women. Oh, and she is a rich white private school girl, and I am a black well off regular girl. I don't know if that could be another reason he pulls back. Do guys see these differences as problems?

 

So my question? What do I do when he contacts me again to make sure he doesn't leave? How can I show him that I am here for him and he doesn't have to be embarrassed about his situation? That I'm not like his ex at all? I'm tired of him running. I don't want to rush either.

[Chocolat]

Honestly, this doesn't sound cosmic to me. Nor does it sound as though his disappearances are related to a fear that you won't be there for him. It seems like he doesn't know what he wants and, unless you want to be his on-again-off-again booty call, you should probably move on.

[lovelyluck]

Not won't be there for him, but rather he is embarrassed and doesn't know if i'll accept his flaws. And I think if I was a booty call, he would have been contacted me to sleep with me again. It's something else.

[Chocolat]

Not won't be there for him, but rather he is embarrassed and doesn't know if i'll accept his flaws. And I think if I was a booty call, he would have been contacted me to sleep with me again. It's something else.

 

Maybe.

 

But the bottom line is that he has known you since last October, had sex with you in March, got upset when you suggested that you had feelings for him (via the dreams), then dropped out of sight and is not responding to your texts.

 

As an outsider, it looks a whole lot like he's just not that into you. Sorry.

[hoping2heal]

You "know" he's the right one, but he doesn't seem to believe you're the right one for him. That's where the problems begin.

 

Whatever the reason, who knows?

 

My mom got involved in a similar situation once, I was older so she would talk to me about it because it was bothersome. He had come out of a really effed marriage, they met at work, bla bla bla. For a long time it was just close talks before they decided to go on a few dates. He would do the same thing. She'd be on cloud 9 over the few days they spent together and he'd just seemingly drop off the face of the earth. He did it twice and the third time was the worst. The next time he emerged, he was engaged to another woman at their workplace who was recently employed there.

 

Not saying that's what is going on with this guy; they were never exclusive because he was "too messed up" yet from the marriage to be in a comittment. Amazing how that changed as soon as he met someone else.

 

His actions are hurtful to you, he knows that and does it anyway.

[Candy_Pants]

Sounds like he played you like a fiddle.

[ExpatInItaly]

You're wasting your time with him, in my honest opinion. This guy is not reliable and doesn't sound all that honest. He is showing you that he won't commit and will run and leave you hanging. This indicates he doesn't respect you. It doesn't seem to register that he's being extremely inconsiderate and immature. (Mature people tend to deal with problems rather than drop off the radar) He wants you around when it's convenient for him. I don't buy for a second that he went MIA because he was "catching feelings." Sure, people might pull back a bit. But for two months? No. He isn't all that into you if he can go dark like that for so long, and more than once. I think it's more likely that he is seeing someone else and comes back to you when it doesn't work out.

 

There are too many red flags to list here. I wouldn't bother trying to rekindle anything. But I'm curious - why was he afraid he was going to jail?

[Strength in Healing]

Yeah, sorry to say, he used you. I got used by a really really beautiful girl once in this exact same method. We would sleep together, hang out, talk for a few weeks, then she'd vanish, pop back up months later saying it scared her to have feelings for me because she just got out of a relationship.

 

Then she'd repeat the process. Until she moved to Hawaii. I haven't heard from her since. Sucks, because I love her. The last time we ever spoke I told her I loved her. (We'd known each other for years at that point).

 

She isn't coming back, and if she does, it won't ever be for a serious relationship. Same goes for your dude over there. Cut ties and find someone trustworthy. I did.

 

 

Oh and LOL @ him saying he thought he was going to jail. Trash

[lovelyluck]

You're wasting your time with him, in my honest opinion. This guy is not reliable and doesn't sound all that honest. He is showing you that he won't commit and will run and leave you hanging. This indicates he doesn't respect you. It doesn't seem to register that he's being extremely inconsiderate and immature. (Mature people tend to deal with problems rather than drop off the radar) He wants you around when it's convenient for him. I don't buy for a second that he went MIA because he was "catching feelings." Sure, people might pull back a bit. But for two months? No. He isn't all that into you if he can go dark like that for so long, and more than once. I think it's more likely that he is seeing someone else and comes back to you when it doesn't work out.

 

There are too many red flags to list here. I wouldn't bother trying to rekindle anything. But I'm curious - why was he afraid he was going to jail?

Hahahaha because he actually is on probation for drugs..and he failed one of his tests because he actually still smokes (which he shouldn't) and so they gave him a court date.. and because of this his mom wants him out of the house, his dad is on his back..so i believe him. I think he's a commit phobe because he trusted a girl for 4 years and she turned on him in a second and ****ed up his life. So I think this was a bad idea posting this thread. I thought I gave you enough information...lol apparently not? I know he also pulls back when his ex contacts him. She is really bad for him but he hasn't seen it yet..I know he is starting to though because he's been unfollowing her on social networks.

[ExpatInItaly]

Hahahaha because he actually is on probation for drugs..and he failed one of his tests because he actually still smokes (which he shouldn't) and so they gave him a court date.. and because of this his mom wants him out of the house, his dad is on his back..so i believe him. I think he's a commit phobe because he trusted a girl for 4 years and she turned on him in a second and ****ed up his life. So I think this was a bad idea posting this thread. I thought I gave you enough information...lol apparently not? I know he also pulls back when his ex contacts him. She is really bad for him but he hasn't seen it yet..I know he is starting to though because he's been unfollowing her on social networks.

 

You gave enough information for us to more or less state that he isn't relationship material. I don't understand why you think he's the "right one" when he clearly doesn't feel the same way. He's showing you and telling you he doesn't.

[GemmaUK]

You gave enough information for us to more or less state that he isn't relationship material. I don't understand why you think he's the "right one" when he clearly doesn't feel the same way. He's showing you and telling you he doesn't.

 

Agree.

 

I'm scratching my head on what on earth makes you think he is the 'one'.

 

All of this following and unfollowing on social networks bit is wierd.

His ex is 'very manipulative' for doing it yet you and he aren't (?). Eh? I don't understand.

[GoreSP]

Well honey it looks like you posted here so we would tell you what you want to hear so here goes:

 

This is such a romantic story, wow he looks like a catch, of course he is just scared of getting hurt blah bitty blahblahblah.

 

Take it from a girl who was in a similar situation and stayed there for three years until he got a girlfriend : forget him and move on

[KatZee]

He's the right one?

 

Super confused right now. He didn't want anything serious, he "caught feelings" and ran. I quote it because the only thing I think he caught was a tin can.

 

He disappeared then came back because he was bored. He tugged on the leash to see if you were still available (you were) he had his fun, and now he bounced again.

 

This is how you think the "right one" treats you? Like a booty call and like your feelings don't matter?

 

Remove the fuzz out of your eyes. This guy isn't even fit to casually date, let alone consider "the one."

[HappyLove]

He played you! It sucks but that's what happened. Remember people show you who they are THE FIRST TIME! You went out on a great date he told you to text him then he ignored you for two months! This was a HUGE RED FLAG! When someone does this to you, you leave them alone because they will do it to you AGAIN. And this time it's worse because you have feelings for him. He got what he wanted and has moved on. He ignored you, had sex with you then ignored you again, and is a bad influence. Take your power back and stop sweating this douche. We've all been there. Take it as a learning experience and do better next time. Don't be so naive ACTIONS are what you look at not pathetic words! His actions is that he is ignoring you and disappeared on you. That is not a man you want to be with! Find a man worth your time who respects you and shows interest.

[Zahara]

I had to read it twice to find out where "cosmic" had any part in the story. So, OP you provided more than enough information.

 

I think in your mind you've magnified all this into something. You manufactured a love story in your head.

 

And if a guy is commitment phobic and all that jazz because he was hurt and he's now living behind a scary wall, then even more reason for you to walk the other way. That BS excuse is textbook. I've been with a so called commitment phobe. He recently got engaged. So, yes. He wasn't that into me.

[GoreSP]

I had to read it twice to find out where "cosmic" had any part in the story. So, OP you provided more than enough information.

 

I think in your mind you've magnified all this into something. You manufactured a love story in your head.

 

And if a guy is commitment phobic and all that jazz because he was hurt and he's now living behind a scary wall, then even more reason for you to walk the other way. That BS excuse is textbook. I've been with a so called commitment phobe. He recently got engaged. So, yes. He wasn't that into me.

 

Perhaps she can write that story, end it her way and make millions…

[RetroFan00]

Actions speak louder than words, but it sounds as if you aren't taking heed to his action of disregard toward you.

 

He ignored you for two whole months, and yet you accepted that lame excuse which he gave you for having been M.I.A. When one is truly interested in another, they don't do such; they maintain contact based on that interest. He got from you what you willingly gave to him, and now he's disregarding you once again; possibly for good this time. Not only that, it sounds as if you unfollowed, blocked, unblocked and then followed him to spur a response from him, but when he didn't bite it should've been a sheer indication to you that he wants nothing more to do with you.

 

If you continue to wait for this dude, you'll be waiting until never because what you think is a cosmic connection isn't being reciprocated on his end and it simply doesn't exist.

[Leigh 87]

This guy is not into you. At all. In the slightest.

 

- guys that are into you will not ignore you for months or even one week unless their phone goes missing or is destroyed and they/or you do not have social media OR mutual friends they can track you with. When a guy is into you, you give them a sense of excitement, joy and contentment. You make them happier, so it does not make any sense that they ignore the things that make them the most happy.Commitment phobia is a fairly rare phenomena. Most men who are into you will make time to talk to you most days and see you every week. Plain and simple.

 

Many girls are delusional. I have been there as I am sure most of these lovely ladies who have been active in this thread are; we have all met a guy, felt we had a "cosmic connection" (sorry this is a new one:lmao:), only to learn that the man in question does NOT necessarily feel the same way.

Women often feel there is an amazing connection when the guy doesn't feel the same way. I have seen it happen all the time. The guy normally DOES really enjoy himself around the girl and he is responsive and interested in her on a personal level, but that DOESNT automatically mean there is a deeper emotional connection at play.

Do you have any idea the amount of women that come here and state that they have an "earth shattering connection"?????????

Yes well, all of those women had the guy disappear on them, cheat on them or in some cases agree to date them only to lose interest and not treat them well.

 

Obviously, the high incidence of women who assume they have an amazing connection and are then proven WRONG, shows you how easy it is to mistakenly THINK you know what the guy is feeling?