She likes me... but what's to make sure feelings are real

[MadJackBird]

Okay First time post. I have been lurking many of the forums on LS.

 

Background on me, I am a BH. Was Married 13 years, Recently divorced (Dec 2013) after being separated since June. I discovered WW 4th set of adulteries in Jan 2013. She left me to marry her latest adultery partner. We have 3 wonderful kids. Back in January a friend introduced me to a BW that had a similar story to me. She was married 17 years, She also had 3 kids. Our friendship started as just that. A friendship. We obviously had a lot in common with our divorces, parenting and being the BS.

 

As you can imagine opposite sex friendships progressed quickly. We progressed from email, to phone conversations to more or less dating. We always put our kids first and could only see each other for short periods of time with a "real date" mixed in 1-3 times a week, sometimes less often. This "dating" part of our relationship has been going on for the last 2.5 months.

 

Also, I would say she has become my best friend. We talk and text every day. She is the first person I think about when I wake up and the last person I think about before going to bed. For a while the feelings were mutual.

 

Everything was going well but her friends say they have other single guys she could meet if she is ready. She says she really likes me but that little voice on her shoulder is saying she should meet others and make sure.

 

I'm not sure how I feel about this. I want to be exclusive and I'm not one date multiple people at once. With my life as a full time employed single dad I'm not sure I have much energy for dating anyone, but I want to be with this person and date her anytime I can. Like I said she has become my best friend.

 

I also realize that two BS that have just gotten out of long term marriages should not rush into anything new so quickly.

 

So my question is how to proceed. I could keep dating her, and allow her to date others "to make sure" knowing very well I may end up getting hurt. I could also date others (I don't feel like I have the energy and I know I want to be exclusive so why muddy those feelings.) Or I can let her go and either pursue others, or just not date for a while which is probably the wisest after recovering from a long time divorce. I feel if I do this last option I will lose that best friend aspect of this relationship, which actually scares me the most. I realize it is almost impossible to have a best friend of the opposite sex without romantic feelings developing.

 

Advise oh wise ones of LS?

 

Thanks for reading my story

[Survivor12]

Please don't take this as an attack, but although I do not question the fact that you like this woman, it sounds to me as though your interest in having an exclusive relationship with her is motivated by the fact that it's easier than meeting and dating other people.

 

You want someone to fill the void, but you don't want to spend the time and effort that it would take to look for "the one" so you're willing to settle...and because you don't "have the energy" to play the field, you don't want her to either.

 

I was married for many years, and I remember how it felt to be on my own in the first few months/years. What I missed most was the "familiarity"...having someone in my life who knew me and shared my memories; someone who knew my family and friends...

 

My first attempt at a relationship failed, because I overlooked the fact that the new guy wasn't a "replacement". I assumed and expected too much, and without even realizing it, I treated him like a partner way too soon.

 

So, while this woman may be a suitable candidate for a relationship, the truth is, much of what you know about her and have in common is tied directly to your former marriages and the pain and agony of having been deceived by your spouses. Here's the thing--you've only known her a few months. Because you relate so easily to what she's been through, you are not able to be completely objective....and quite possibly, you have drawn some assumptions about her based on your own experience and how you feel. To really get to know her, it's going to take time to look beyond all that to really get to know her.

 

In fact, after something as life-altering as a divorce, it takes some time to become ones self again--and it can change people. I can honestly say that while my core beliefs may not have changed, there is a lot about me that did in the years following my divorce. There were some things that I thought I enjoyed, for example, that I have no interest in now. My tastes are different because I am choosing for myself and not for a couple. And, above all, I am a different person in a relationship than I was before.

 

What I'm trying to tell you is that you are selling yourself short by settling for the first woman who you feel comfortable with. Right now, all you know is that she may better for you than your ex wife, but you have no way of knowing that you are as fulfilled as you CAN be in a relationship. Learn to be alone to discover who YOU are. Spend time getting to know other women and find out what attributes really float your boat instead of just having someone who fills in the gap. Spend time getting to know your friend better.

 

Don't be lazy. You are beginning a new life! It's an adventure, not a job. Take the opportunity to explore...to improve yourself...to learn what really makes you happy. I can tell you this--being truly happy is a whole lot better than just settling for not being unhappy...but it takes some effort.

[Gaeta]

Beautifully said Survivor12.

 

OP, let her go explore other avenues and do so as well. You both have some growing to do.

 

Two years ago I met a man and after a month we drifted away, we met again 2 months ago and now we spend all of our time together. We both see each other with different eyes now. If she's the one for you you will meet again later.

[MadJackBird]

Thank you Survivor12 and Gaeta. I agree with what you say and is how I have been feeling. I talked to my therapist today too and got similar advice.

 

I will for sure let her explore other avenues. I will continue to date her and she hasn't said she doesn't want to stop dating me. In fact we have a few more dates lined up in the next few weeks.

 

Survivor, I understand what you are saying about not settling for someone to fill the void. I've tried to avoid that. She really has become a best friend in a lot of other ways too. We really do enjoy our company and have a lot of fun interests and fun times when we are together.

[Gaeta]

I will for sure let her explore other avenues. I will continue to date her and she hasn't said she doesn't want to stop dating me. In fact we have a few more dates lined up in the next few weeks.

If your feelings get too tangled, if she keeps you from exploring other avenues yourself, then it's better to let her go. Don't purposely put yourself through an emotional roller-coaster.

[MadJackBird]

She is not keeping me from exploring other avenues, in fact she might prefer that so she feels okay with her own little voices telling her to do that.

 

It's me that doesn't want to explore other avenues. One reason is because of the energy and effort as Survivor mentioned, another reason is I really like her. She has been my best friend though all of this period of healing. We have helped each other immensely.

[Survivor12]

I think what Gaeta was saying is don't let your focus on her keep you from exploring other options.

 

While I agree that friendship is a very important part of a relationship, a truly fulfilling and successful one requires a great deal more. If you care enough for her, you will be honest with her about your feelings. Even though settling for friendship may be enough for you, it may not be for her & it wouldn't be fair at all to ask her to commit without her knowing how you feel.

 

If you value her friendship, don't put it at risk by leading her into a romantic relationship because she's the easiest option. If you do, chances are you'll end causing both of you a lot of disappointment and ultimately losing her completely.

[RonaldS]

Your story sounds very similar to that of my XW and her new guy. Both have 3 kids, both very recently divorced, both cheated on...although in her guy's case, his XW was a serial cheater...my affairs were a short EA right before we separated, and then a PA w/different woman after she moved out, FWIW.

 

Now, there are a million reasons that our marriage failed, and it was way over before the EA, but in my Xw's heart and mind, we had a great relationship and then I cheated. She grips that narrative tightly.

 

The reason I emphasize that is because my XW was absolutely atrocious in our relationship. It was completely one-sided, she was abusive, neglectful and non-communicative. One would hope that when a marriage like ours falls apart that both parties will really look deeply at themselves. I looked deeply into myself, and my XW looked deeply at me, too. In other words, she did nothing wrong.

 

So, what we have is two victims who found each other and...gag, puke...have saved each other. They really think that way.

 

But on the outside, there relationship is one big, giant band-aid. Neither one of them took any time after the divorces to find themselves, work on themselves, etc. They both jumped in head-first, and are now headed toward marriage. And they have 6 kids between them. Yikes.

 

The whole thing seems like a ticking time bomb to me. What's going to happen when the honeymoon wears off?

[RonaldS]

She is not keeping me from exploring other avenues, in fact she might prefer that so she feels okay with her own little voices telling her to do that.

 

It's me that doesn't want to explore other avenues. One reason is because of the energy and effort as Survivor mentioned, another reason is I really like her. She has been my best friend though all of this period of healing. We have helped each other immensely.

 

A lot of people told me this after my D, and they were right. So, it's incumbent on me to tell you.

 

In the grand scheme of this process, you are probably nowhere near ready for a relationship. Less than a year since separating? You're still in the beginning stages. From what everybody says, and my experience confirms this, two years after your divorce (not separation) is about the minimum amount of time that should pass before you start trying to get serious about anybody. And if that other person just got divorced too? Oh boy.

 

I guess what I'm saying is, start looking for that brake pedal.

[MadJackBird]

Hey thanks for the advice. The decision became clear as she more or less dumped me last night. Taking time to heal is wise.