Constantly concerned feelings will change...

[Strength in Healing]

EDIT: This was meant to be posted in general relationship forum. I posted this in the wrong one -- I apologize.

 

 

 

 

I don't know if it's this forum, or if it was my past relationship, but in my current one, I find myself constantly worrying the girl I am dating will change her feelings randomly. She has never given me a reason to feel this way -- she is extremely consistent.

 

 

I am constantly convinced her feelings are magically going to vanish, or something else will happen, and we will fail. I am an expert at hiding this in 95% of all cases all day every day, but it is ever present in my mind. We've talked every day for over two months, and only one time have I slipped up when I asked her "how do we really know we can trust someone these days".

 

 

Sounds strongly like generalized anxiety disorder... I took buspar, though, but it doesn't seem to help...

Edited April 16, 2014 by Strength in Healing

[tekkenfan2]

Definitely sounds like some sort of personality disorder.

 

Maybe you should tell her about the whole thing, while explaining it isn't because you distrust her. She will reassure you and the support from her will probably make you feel a lot better about the whole thing.

[MidwestUSA]

I'm so sorry you're troubled by this. My two cents is that your doc should try something other than Buspar to help you. It wouldn't be my first choice for GAD, if indeed that is your problem.

 

Do you worry just about your relationship, or about everything else in life?

[mammasita]

Definitely sounds like some sort of personality disorder.

 

Maybe you should tell her about the whole thing, while explaining it isn't because you distrust her. She will reassure you and the support from her will probably make you feel a lot better about the whole thing.

Meh - its not a personality disorder.

 

It is a form of anxiety. Keep your mind occupied with other things. I tend to worry about the same. It's not a crippling fear but I have days where I worry alot.

 

Have you tried counseling or therapy?

[MidwestUSA]

Meh - its not a personality disorder.

 

^correct, it's not

Have you tried counseling or therapy?

 

^absolutely. Should be the first line of defense.

 

 

 

 

 

10 characters

[Strength in Healing]

Definitely sounds like some sort of personality disorder.

 

Negative, no personality disorders. I'm an expert in Clusters A-C, I'd have spotted those bastards a mile away. Lol. I once considered the possibility of Dependent Personality Disorder, because my mom died when I was 9, and it was possible I sought relationships to fill that void. But psychologists would not diagnose me with it -- only anxiety and some depression. Thanks for the advice though brother

 

 

 

Midwest, thank you for the advice. I mean, I worry about legitimate things like bills lol but definitely isn't a nagging concern all day. So I'd say one is normal, one is abnormal.

[soccerrprp]

I don't understand how the OP's brief description counts as a personality disorder (not dismissing that a PD may be exacerbating it). It sounds like good ol' fashioned insecurity from past experience(s). Crimey, what happened in your last relationship(s)? That could explain a lot.

[Strength in Healing]

Mamma, I wish I could see a therapist or psych again... but unfortunately, health insurance doesn't cover it. I hate that about the USA. We need to prioritize mental healthcare to prevent tragedies. Banning guns, etc, is going to get us nowhere.

 

 

 

And soccer, well, I think it stems pretty much from 2 main ones.

 

The first girl was named Chrissy. We dated for 13 months, loved her to death. Freaking loved that girl. I still remember the last day -- she was saying how she missed me and loved me and can't wait to see me on the weekend (we only saw each other on weekends) -- then later that night she text me and said we need to take a break but she loves me to death. I think that has a lot to do with it.

 

 

Then this most recent relationship, she was my fiance of 4 years. One day she tells me her feelings changed, and lost the attraction to me. Then few days later she gets with her creepy, older DUI co-worker. Things aren't going great on that end though, hear he is abusive and controlling, and she's been reaching out to me. That's irrelevant to this though.

 

 

But I think those right there may explain some things... sigh... wish I could just let go. Why could I never let go? A part of me still loves Chrissy as much as I did years ago. A part of me still loves my ex-fiance. I never have understood what it means to let go... I mean, logically I do, but clearly my heart doesn't.

[tekkenfan2]

Just to clarify I don't have any idea what a personality disorder actually entails, was just taking a stab haha, Sorry about your mom.

 

Hope it all works out for you!

[soccerrprp]

Mamma, I wish I could see a therapist or psych again... but unfortunately, health insurance doesn't cover it. I hate that about the USA. We need to prioritize mental healthcare to prevent tragedies. Banning guns, etc, is going to get us nowhere.

 

 

 

And soccer, well, I think it stems pretty much from 2 main ones.

 

The first girl was named Chrissy. We dated for 13 months, loved her to death. Freaking loved that girl. I still remember the last day -- she was saying how she missed me and loved me and can't wait to see me on the weekend (we only saw each other on weekends) -- then later that night she text me and said we need to take a break but she loves me to death. I think that has a lot to do with it.

 

 

Then this most recent relationship, she was my fiance of 4 years. One day she tells me her feelings changed, and lost the attraction to me. Then few days later she gets with her creepy, older DUI co-worker. Things aren't going great on that end though, hear he is abusive and controlling, and she's been reaching out to me. That's irrelevant to this though.

 

 

But I think those right there may explain some things... sigh... wish I could just let go. Why could I never let go? A part of me still loves Chrissy as much as I did years ago. A part of me still loves my ex-fiance. I never have understood what it means to let go... I mean, logically I do, but clearly my heart doesn't.

 

SiH,

 

I think your most recent break-ups do much more to explain your feelings. It's tough to completely let go. It requires TIME, DISTANCE and a HEALTHY PSYCHE. You simply need to move on, but don't try to convince yourself that you will ever let go COMPLETELY. For many, this is difficult, if not impossible.

 

Were you engaged for 4-years? Or dated her for 4-years to eventual engagement? How long was the engagement?

[Gaeta]

While you worry if your girlfriend's feelings will change you forbid yourself from fully enjoying the moment with her. You put yourself through a mini-drama that may never happen.

 

Second: So what if your girlfriend's feelings change? What is SO horrible about it? Ask yourself. You're still the same guy, with the same job, same financial situation, same family, same bills to pay. Yes she will be out of your life, you will have a heartbreak, you will survive, and you will move on.

 

That's it !

[Strength in Healing]

We got engaged at about the 6 month mark, so we were engaged for about 3.4 years.

 

It kills me though not only that she did that, but that she is now in a very scary relationship. The guy uses God to control her by claiming he is very religious, and they read the bible every morning. What a disservice to God. She claims she's happy, but how can one be happy with a guy who is physically kicking down doors, got in her face, etc? Plus, if she is happy, why is she reaching out to me?

 

My one dude told me like it was. He said I keep comparing this current girlfriend whom I dearly adore, and it's not fair. She never hurt me, she wasn't Chrissy and she wasn't my ex fiance. But people on this site all say everyone is the same, no situation is unique... so you wonder... am I just doomed to repeat what I have before, and what so many people on these forums do?

 

 

 

Here's how crazy it is -- if it takes her a while to reply to texts, I wonder if she is growing distant. Stuff like that. Blows my mind how someone getting a doctorate in psychology can be so illogical. My mind tells me that I'm wrong, but my feelings and stuff that I cannot control are really messing with me.

Edited April 16, 2014 by Strength in Healing

[Gaeta]

But people on this site all say everyone is the same, no situation is unique... so you wonder... am I just doomed to repeat what I have before, and what so many people on these forums do?

Are you serious ? Who's telling you she will abandon you?

 

And yes it sucks your last girlfriend left you because her feelings changed but guess what? There are people that have been abandon after 30 years marriage with nothing. Women left with little children and no child support. Men and women discovering after 25 years and more that their entire lives were based on lies.

 

So your last girlfriend left after 4 years....? Sh1.t happens!

[Strength in Healing]

Are you serious ? Who's telling you she will abandon you?

 

And yes it sucks your last girlfriend left you because her feelings changed but guess what? There are people that have been abandon after 30 years marriage with nothing. Women left with little children and no child support. Men and women discovering after 25 years and more that their entire lives were based on lies.

 

So your last girlfriend left after 4 years....? Sh1.t happens!

 

 

 

Yeah, this doesn't help. I see your point, but this is a logical fallacy.

 

I am looking more for "sometimes, peoples feelings DON'T change..." or "I know so and so who have been together forever and are happy"...

[soccerrprp]

We got engaged at about the 6 month mark, so we were engaged for about 3.4 years.

 

Personally, an engagement longer than 1-1.5 yrs is TOO LONG. If you are ready to ask, then you should be ready to marry. She may have lost interest b/c she was tired of waiting.

 

It kills me though not only that she did that, but that she is now in a very scary relationship. The guy uses God to control her by claiming he is very religious, and they read the bible every morning. What a disservice to God. She claims she's happy, but how can one be happy with a guy who is physically kicking down doors, got in her face, etc? Plus, if she is happy, why is she reaching out to me?

 

It's likely that she is NOT happy, but frightened or don't know how to get out.

 

My one dude told me like it was. He said I keep comparing this current girlfriend whom I dearly adore, and it's not fair. She never hurt me, she wasn't Chrissy and she wasn't my ex fiance. But people on this site all say everyone is the same, no situation is unique... so you wonder... am I just doomed to repeat what I have before, and what so many people on these forums do?

 

Every situation IS different b/c different people, circumstances are involved...BUT, if it keeps happening the common denominator is YOU.

 

Here's how crazy it is -- if it takes her a while to reply to texts, I wonder if she is growing distant. Stuff like that. Blows my mind how someone getting a doctorate in psychology can be so illogical. My mind tells me that I'm wrong, but my feelings and stuff that I cannot control are really messing with me.

 

I made some observations within your post in bold. Such feelings are unfortunate, but common across the board. Especially if current behavior differs dramatically from past. You start to think what is up? You are getting a doctorate? Dude, please. You are human with human reactions, anxieties, perceptions...no amount of studying psychology is going to prevent you from behaving instinctively, human. You may know what you are doing, but knowing is often not enough to stop it from happening. Not to mention that when one assesses one's own circumstances, we tend to be vastly more subjective, dismissive. Objectivity often comes at us from the outside, PhD in Psych or not. I dated a Psychologist for a while. We all have the same kind of problems with esteem, dating, relationships.

[Gaeta]

I am looking more for "sometimes, peoples feelings DON'T change..." or "I know so and so who have been together forever and are happy"...

You do want people's feelings to change. You want them to grow deeper and more meaningful.

 

My parents celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary this year.

 

My brother and his wife have been married 25 years and they are lovey dovey like it's their first day together. They take get away weekend several times a year. They genuinely love each other, the same? no, more than when they met.

 

People you know?

 

Meryll Streep: 36 years with her man

David and victoria Beckhem: 17 years together

Tom Hanks: 26 years together

Will Smith: 17 years together

Kirt Russell and Goldie: Freakin 31 years together!!!

Sarah Jessica Parker: 17 years together

Ozzie Osborn: 35 years with his Sharon

Kevin Bacon: 26 years with his wife

 

I think I made my point.

[Strength in Healing]

You do want people's feelings to change. You want them to grow deeper and more meaningful.

 

My parents celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary this year.

 

My brother and his wife have been married 25 years and they are lovey dovey like it's their first day together. They take get away weekend several times a year. They genuinely love each other, the same? no, more than when they met.

 

People you know?

 

Meryll Streep: 36 years with her man

David and victoria Beckhem: 17 years together

Tom Hanks: 26 years together

Will Smith: 17 years together

Kirt Russell and Goldie: Freakin 31 years together!!!

Sarah Jessica Parker: 17 years together

Ozzie Osborn: 35 years with his Sharon

Kevin Bacon: 26 years with his wife

 

I think I made my point.

 

 

 

 

This makes me more happy. Thank you for these stories.

 

 

And Soccer, thank you as well. I have to get a grip..

[topaMAXX]

EDIT: This was meant to be posted in general relationship forum. I posted this in the wrong one -- I apologize.

 

 

 

 

I don't know if it's this forum, or if it was my past relationship, but in my current one, I find myself constantly worrying the girl I am dating will change her feelings randomly. She has never given me a reason to feel this way -- she is extremely consistent.

 

 

I am constantly convinced her feelings are magically going to vanish, or something else will happen, and we will fail. I am an expert at hiding this in 95% of all cases all day every day, but it is ever present in my mind. We've talked every day for over two months, and only one time have I slipped up when I asked her "how do we really know we can trust someone these days".

 

 

Sounds strongly like generalized anxiety disorder... I took buspar, though, but it doesn't seem to help...

 

You feel this way because this is how women are. They change their mind constantly for no reason at all.

 

I find it very hard to trust them as well because of their indecisiveness and how easily they sway with their emotions. One little problem comes up and they're on to the next guy.

 

Sounds like you've experienced this often. I have as well. And, no, this forum does not help at all lol.