spirius Posted April 16, 2014 Share Posted April 16, 2014 I have a great relationship with my girlfriend and in general, we are very happy. We argued last night and I'm feeling a bit shaken up about it. I'm not sure whether I'm being reasonable or not. We had a disagreement about an ex of hers who is still a friend. I've said I'm okay (as much as you can be) with that, as long as he isn't acting disrespectfully - that I think she needs to draw a line in the sand if he starts acting that way again. He invited her over this week because his parents are out and he has a free house. The guy openly admits he still wants her and makes little comments, which she knocks down. I trust her, but it makes me uncomfortable. Something akin to it not being pleasant to sitting in a bullet proof car while someone shoots at you even if you know you're okay. She basically told her friend about the situation and the upshot is that her friend who has not met me yet has labelled me as controlling and thinks the situation is weird. I don't think asking the guy to behave his really asking too much. So I'm narked that they don't seem to understand why it bothers me...I feel it is disrespectful and unsettling. I'm also narked that our private business being shared has led to a friend drawing that conclusion, obviously based on what she has been told. She says its normal to talk to girl friends about problems, but why would anyone want their friends thinking **** about her BF? Makes me feel a little betrayed that she put that out there about me. Once again, there is no trust issue here. She's a beautiful person and I trust her implicitly. Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted April 16, 2014 Share Posted April 16, 2014 You are not being unreasonable in the slightest. He is quite obviously trying to get in her pants and is saying anything he can to achieve that goal. Including dissing you in any way possible. He might claim to be her friend but he is quite obviously not a friend of the relationship, he is an enemy who is trying to destroy it. She is being totally rude by blaming her lack of availability to spend the weekend, on you. Basically she has said "I'd like to but my BF says no" which is not the right thing to tell this guy, in fact it's exactly what he wants to hear, so he can use it as ammunition. Now normally I wouldn't mind being used as a scapegoat if my GF needs an excuse to get out of something, you know like "sorry my BF says I can't" if that's the easiest way, and if that's going to be the END of it! But clearly this situation is very different, this isn't the end, this guy is not going to give up. She needs to sort herself and her attitude towards her EX out. She seems to care more about his feelings than yours. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author spirius Posted April 16, 2014 Author Share Posted April 16, 2014 Sorry, I wasn't clear. The friend she talked to about it was a female friend unrelated to the situation. So its the situation with the bloke and, separately, the talking to female friends about it. She basically feels the guy is pretty stupid, doesn't realise what is inappropriate and is fairly irritating. However he has been a good friend over the years (they only dated briefly). So I don't want her to lose a friend, but also want him to be MADE to understand what is inappropriate. She feels that is setting him up to fail. She says she is willing to just talk to him on phone and not meet, but I said not sure whether I want to be restricting her like that. But her and female friend seem to think I'm controlling for not feeling comfortable, which railroads her decision-making. I feel that is unfair. Also she thinks I am being manipulative by stating what I would do, but saying it is her decision. I'm genuinely not trying to manipulate her - I've been struggling to work out how best to handle it. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted April 16, 2014 Share Posted April 16, 2014 I see you started dating someone in March, is it that lady? If yes then you have not been dating a full month yet and already disagreements, friends talking sh.1t in your back, her hanging out with a man that has openly expressed his attraction toward her..... Not worth it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted April 16, 2014 Share Posted April 16, 2014 Ah OK She basically feels the guy is pretty stupid, doesn't realise what is inappropriate and is fairly irritating. However he has been a good friend over the years (they only dated briefly). So I don't want her to lose a friend, but also want him to be MADE to understand what is inappropriate. She feels that is setting him up to fail. Fail at what? Seducing her? Well yes, duh. He is certainly not as dumb as he makes out. Inviting someone round to your house for the weekend when your parents are away, means ONE thing!!! If he doesn't realize what he is asking then he truly is completely stupid or more likely, a manipulative liar. She is not doing what she should, to put him in his place. She is allowing him to act inappropriately. Why? Most likely because she loves the attention. Sure we all like attention. But when that attention is inappropriate and is harmful to your BF and disrespectful of your relationship, then it should be stopped. But her and female friend seem to think I'm controlling for not feeling comfortable, which railroads her decision-making. I feel that is unfair. Tell her to stop playing stupid games and over-analyzing it. Tell her it is not appropriate for her to go and stay with another guy for the weekend while his parents are away. If she feels you're being unreasonable, manipulative or restrictive with that opinion then tell her to take a hike. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author spirius Posted April 16, 2014 Author Share Posted April 16, 2014 Oh she did tell him to take a hike...though it was to hang out not to stay. I do think it meant only one thing. Or at the very least he is playing the long game because she does keep repeatedly slapping him down. She told him it was inappropriate etc. Also she really isn't an attention seeker, I do believe there is true merit in the friendship, so is going for a coffee occasionally a big deal. Not so much if he doesn't make comments. And what if he does and she slaps him down? Not very nice for me, but end of the world? We've been together three months Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted April 16, 2014 Share Posted April 16, 2014 If a man kept hitting on me while I am in a relationship I would end that friendship. That's what adults do. I would never put my boyfriend in an uncomfortable situation with this man around. A man that has been told to back off and doesn't is not much of a friend. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
Hello_is_it_me Posted April 16, 2014 Share Posted April 16, 2014 If a former flame kept making advances on my gf, I would expect her to cut ties completely with him. I don't think that's an unreasonable expectation. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
J21 Posted April 16, 2014 Share Posted April 16, 2014 (edited) We gotta judge based upon her action, not so much what she says. Lets be real, action speaks louder than words. Its hard for you (OP) to look at the situation objectively because you are in a relationship with her. But the reality is she either loves the attention or just isn't that into you to cut ties with him. Being "friends" with an ex bf who constantly hits on her when she says she doesn't like it but doesnt cut ties? Don't know about that man. Depending on how intense their relationship was, you may just be a place holder. He may be just keeping in touch until they can get back together someday. Dont give her an ultimatum, a confident man doesn't do that. She should cut ties on her own assuming she's truly interested in u and has no interest getting back with the ex. Everyone that posted above agrees they would do the same. Edited April 16, 2014 by J21 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Cunning_Linguist Posted April 16, 2014 Share Posted April 16, 2014 You are never being unreasonable if you express your feelings about something that bothers you. You aren't telling her what to do, just letting her know that it makes you feel uncomfortable that she hangs out with him, and that you don't appreciate her talking about your private business with friends. It's when you don't express, use passive aggressive tactics, that problems arise. Be assertive about it. Personally, I'd tell her to invite the guy out and he can hang out with the both of you. I'd tell her explicitly that you don't feel comfortable with her hanging out alone with a guy that has obvious intentions beyond being a friend. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
atlg8r Posted April 16, 2014 Share Posted April 16, 2014 If a guy has made it known he still wants her, she should end the friendship. I don't see it any way other than that, and I don't think it's being "controlling" or unreasonable. It's a different discussion if that fact didn't exist. My fiance has female friends, and I'm sure at least one or two he's been with in some romantic way in the past. But he's told me before that if anyone made a pass at him - friend or stranger - he'd have no issue making it known he's in love with and committed to me. If that didn't end it, he would end that friendship. It's a bad sign if this issue is already occurring so early. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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