she has completely 180'd on me :'(

[cliche1]

Hi.

 

So I have been seeing this amazing woman for about a month and we have got on like a house on fire. Going out for meals and just generally enjoying each other's company, she told me that she loved me quite quickly and I felt the same. For her birthday last week we went to one of London's top places and had the most amazing day, champagne and south American food and all! She publicly thanked me for being in her life and told me we were going to go far and that she was in love with me.

 

Then all of a sudden about 2-3 days later, her demeanour completely changed on me. She said that she felt it all move too fast and that she's having serious doubts about the relationship, I Said we can slow it down. She said yes, lets go back to when we was just talking, not even meet up and go out for a long time, she's stopped telling me she loves me and doesn't call me baby anymore, she now calls me hun or darling in the way she calls her friends so.

 

She told me that since her divorce 5 years ago that when she meets a guy she has hit a wall, and I think she's hit it here, its just so sudden, on top of that not long before we met her mum sadly passed away. So maybe that's having an effect. She trusted and loved me enough to share so much, and some really personal stuff, so I know its there. But how can I get her over this wall with me, or should I walk away before I get even more hurt......cos this hurts. I saw so much potential, she's different to anyone I've ever met and I dont really want to give that up..

 

Please help, thanks for reading!

[TaraMaiden]

One: back off and tell her you're here when she wants to connect with you again, but you won't wait around for ever.

YOU know you're a good catch, "as sound as a pound" but if she can't see that, or still won't take you, it will be her loss.

 

Two: Suggest STRONGLY - that she get some kind of therapy or counselling, because if she keeps 'hitting a wall' then it's definitely 'her' not 'you' and she will only keep making herself miserable, and breaking hearts for the rest of her life, and that's not fair on either herself, - or you.

bereavement and grief, are a bitch. But she needs counselling, or else this will always be an excuse - and a key to perpetual misery, loneliness and heartbreak.

[cliche1]

Thanks Tara..... There has been more yesterday. She sent me this text:

 

"Hi hun, I woke up feeling a bit better, I realise that a relationship is not what I need right now, I'm not healed enough. I'm not going to say let's leave it, I'm still available to do meals and talk and stuff, I'm not going to change my facebook relationship stayus because its nice to be seen as 'in a relationship, but emotionally I can't commit to a relationship. I hope what I'm saying makes sense?"

 

My reply was:

 

"Hey hun! I am glad you are feeling a bit better. I understand that you need time to heal and I respect that. I am happy you still want to go out for meals etc as I love spending time with you and talking with you, and I promised I would always be there, no matter what, that doesn't change. I will always be here for you and you know I'm just a call away if you want to talk about anything day or night. I hope one day you will be in a better place to consider a relationship, I hope one day we will be able to pick up where we left off, but for now I understand how you are feeling and am willing to give you all the time you need"

 

She hasn't replied, this was about 24 hours ago. on facebook she had our pic up as her profile pic until this morning but it still shows as in a relationship with me. I really do not know my next move. All I know was last night was the first night we didn't speak on the phone at the very least and I'm hurting a lot. I never met anyone like her....do I just leave it and hope?

[TaraMaiden]

..... I really do not know my next move. All I know was last night was the first night we didn't speak on the phone at the very least and I'm hurting a lot. I never met anyone like her....do I just leave it and hope?

 

Yes you do, it's all in your post.

You be her friend, with no expectation of a relationship blossoming.

 

What you Do NOT do - is put yourself on a back-burner, and wait around for her to do the 180.

It's not going to happen.

 

I hate to be so blunt, but - if you REALLY floated her boat, and she had really fallen for you headlong, big time, she would never have said those things to you....

 

She love/likes you; she doesn't love/love you.

 

You need to drop it as any design on a lasting relationship and go back into the dating scene. Because you have that right.

She broke up with you.

That's what she was doing.

She has 'dumped' you as a BF, but wants to keep you as a strut, a support, a shoulder to lean on with no commitment.

 

Fine - be her social buddy.

But don't put your own life on hold, and your own heart in a storage box.

[DKT3]

The FB status things seems abit odd to me. Leaves me thinking status same man different. Sounds like she may have reconnected with an ex and wants to keep you in her back pocket just in case.

 

Could be wrong?

[cliche1]

Yes you do, it's all in your post.

You be her friend, with no expectation of a relationship blossoming.

 

What you Do NOT do - is put yourself on a back-burner, and wait around for her to do the 180.

It's not going to happen.

 

I hate to be so blunt, but - if you REALLY floated her boat, and she had really fallen for you headlong, big time, she would never have said those things to you....

 

She love/likes you; she doesn't love/love you.

 

You need to drop it as any design on a lasting relationship and go back into the dating scene. Because you have that right.

She broke up with you.

That's what she was doing.

She has 'dumped' you as a BF, but wants to keep you as a strut, a support, a shoulder to lean on with no commitment.

 

Fine - be her social buddy.

But don't put your own life on hold, and your own heart in a storage box.

 

Thats the thing, for weeks on end she said she was in love with me, that i was amazing, never known anyone like me, she was married for 17 years and she told me she felt stronger for me than him than at any point, there is no ex on the scene. Her friends liked me and some even added me on fb, so did her eldest child. When we went out for her birthday she was telling the whole world that she had been finally found. I MUST have floated her boat. She kept saying she cannot believe i'm hers and how lucky she is.....i just......i don't know.

 

I will leave it for a day or so and just check in on her. I genuinely believe we have something and I don't want anyone else, i just wish I could help her through what shes going through. I remember when we had a weekend together she was glad to not see me a few days as she likes to miss me to build up anticipation, maybe she needs to miss me for a few days

[Art_Critic]

The FB status things seems abit odd to me. Leaves me thinking status same man different. Sounds like she may have reconnected with an ex and wants to keep you in her back pocket just in case.

 

Could be wrong?

 

Yeah... she back burnered him but kept the FB status as in a relationship, because she is, just not with him..

 

Time to cut ALL contact, block and delete her off of FB, no matter the reason you got back burnered it isn't going to flourish into a great loving relationship at this point..

 

Sorry

[cliche1]

I need to clear up that her FB in a relationship status says and always has said in a relationship with me, i'm tagged on it. There is no-one else, that much i do know.

[mammasita]

I need to clear up that her FB in a relationship status says and always has said in a relationship with me, i'm tagged on it. There is no-one else, that much i do know.

 

So basically she wants you off the market at her whim even though she cant give you a relationship

 

You're her backup plan / standby. You see that, right?

[soccerrprp]

Thats the thing, for weeks on end she said she was in love with me, that i was amazing, never known anyone like me, she was married for 17 years and she told me she felt stronger for me than him than at any point, there is no ex on the scene.

 

You'd only dated her for a month! One of the immediate eye-brow raisers should have been her announcing her LOVE for you within a month. Yes, it does happen, but when someone expresses such strong emotions, you ought to be even more cautious. People who express such emotions early on are running on hormones, euphoria, highly irrational. As you, unfortunately experienced, it often doesn't last long when reality checks in.

 

When someone is high on the next new relationship, all kinds of things come out of his/her mouth. "You're amazing...." "I've never met anyone like you...." blah, blah, blah....Now look where she is...only after a few days?!

 

I agree with others. She wants you for her backup or when she gets bored and can't find anyone else to date. She went from LOVE to, essentially, just being an acquaintance. THAT ought to be a deal breaker for you!

[myothernic2]

Thats the thing, for weeks on end she said she was in love with me, that i was amazing, never known anyone like me, she was married for 17 years and she told me she felt stronger for me than him than at any point, there is no ex on the scene. Her friends liked me and some even added me on fb, so did her eldest child. When we went out for her birthday she was telling the whole world that she had been finally found. I MUST have floated her boat. She kept saying she cannot believe i'm hers and how lucky she is.....i just......i don't know.

 

I will leave it for a day or so and just check in on her. I genuinely believe we have something and I don't want anyone else, i just wish I could help her through what shes going through. I remember when we had a weekend together she was glad to not see me a few days as she likes to miss me to build up anticipation, maybe she needs to miss me for a few days

 

She could be saying that to each guy she's "hit a wall with" over the last 5 years.. All of that in a month seems way over the top anyway.

[Hello_is_it_me]

Saying "I love you" in the first month of a relationship is WEIRD. Have you two even been intimate yet?

[TaraMaiden]

I will leave it for a day or so and just check in on her. I genuinely believe we have something and I don't want anyone else, i just wish I could help her through what shes going through. I remember when we had a weekend together she was glad to not see me a few days as she likes to miss me to build up anticipation, maybe she needs to miss me for a few days

 

Yes, do tell us what THOSE breadcrumbs will taste like....

 

And it will be just that.

Breadcrumbs.

Let her come to you - but guaranteed it won't be anything defining or absolute.... just a hefty sprinkling of "are you paying attention to me?"

[Eternal Sunshine]

She broke up with you. Untag yourself from the relationship status. It's possible that her ex H has a new woman or she wants to make some other guy jelous. Don't let yourself be a pawn in her game.

[Zahara]

The moment I read that she confessed she loved you within a month of dating I already knew it was going downhill and sure enough as I kept reading, she did the 180.

 

People that jump of the blocks quick and fast, crash and burn really fast. What you both feel isn't love, it's the honeymoon high and unfortunately the high dwindled really fast for her and now normalcy has set in, expectations will surface, commitment is dawning -- and she's running the other way.

 

Yeah, people can say they love you to the moon and back weeks into dating, but really, it isn't realistic. If anything it's surface level. Because if she really did love you, it doesn't abandon you. It wants to stay with you and it wants to grow. It doesn't regress, it doesn't revert, it doesn't move away from you. It's really very simple. It's not this hard or complicated.

 

Now, be a man. Have a backbone. Stop clinging on to some silly relationship status on FB when the woman has ended the relationship by telling you point blank. Listen to her words to you which are clear and direct and watch her actions which are evident that she has stepped out versus having hope because of FB. And yes, she wants to hang out, why wouldn't she? You provide HER with what SHE needs. All you'll get is hurt.

[cliche1]

Right, update... So I gave her space for a while.. then we spoke on Saturday and she said we should just not continue, she's got a lot going on.... We have maintainrd contact and she called me yesterday to ask me how my day was..

 

I was told by a friend to go cold on her and not make effort, and have her chase me......I'm not too sure about that, anyways...

 

This morning I got a text saying sorry for ending the call so shortly, as she was so tired.

 

I didnt reply, an hour or two later I got a text.... Saying that she's missing me xxxx....

 

So now what do I do? So she misses me, but can't be with me, that seems so weird to me... If anyone can tell me how i should reply, if I should.....as I am confused???

Edited April 23, 2014 by cliche1

[Gaeta]

Make a clean cut. it's over, no friendship, no contact. What you have experienced is not so uncommon. It starts like fireworks and it dies like fireworks. It has nothing to do with love and it's all about short term infatuation. I had it done to me a couple of times. I have gained a lot of experience since and now I am untouched by a man professing his love after a couple of weeks. When I ask them : What do you love exactly? they don't really have an answer. It's all about how they feel excited in my presence which is not an answer.

[Zahara]

So now what do I do? So she misses me, but can't be with me, that seems so weird to me... If anyone can tell me how i should reply, if I should.....as I am confused???

 

What's weird? That she's missing you but doesn't want to be with you?

 

Nah, it's common. It happens when the dumper needs to have the dumpee just where they need them to be, on the backburner. She can take her time to do what she wants, then revisit Mr. Backburner for some attention, then go about doing what she wants, then revisit Mr. Backburner to fulfill some of her needs -- why? Because Mr. Backburner, the eternally loyal fallback will always be there because he's just dying to be validated by her. And she knows you're attached hook, line and sinker.

 

Nothing to be confused about. Your situation is the rule. You need to go on NC unless you like being the fallback.

[cliche1]

What's weird? That she's missing you but doesn't want to be with you?

 

Nah, it's common. It happens when the dumper needs to have the dumpee just where they need them to be, on the backburner. She can take her time to do what she wants, then revisit Mr. Backburner for some attention, then go about doing what she wants, then revisit Mr. Backburner to fulfill some of her needs -- why? Because Mr. Backburner, the eternally loyal fallback will always be there because he's just dying to be validated by her. And she knows you're attached hook, line and sinker.

 

Nothing to be confused about. Your situation is the rule. You need to go on NC unless you like being the fallback.

 

 

so i've gone NC, but she still calls me, i finally answered and she told me that she thinks i am an amazing guy but i need to discover myself more, i need to develop a stronger confidence and be more assured and assertive and not be afraid to say no, and not to get completely lost in someone....and she said we never know what the future holds.

 

She told me she isnt looking for anyone else....but told me to look for someone and told me to get back on Tinder.

 

So this morming i sent a text saying im already planning to address my shortcomings, done a lot of self observance and know what to do and going to do it. I also told her i went back on tinder and got a coiuple matches. her reply was

 

"S### - I just felt a bit jealous about you being on Tinder :(" i didnt reply, a coup;le hours later she called me, i missed it, she then called again straight away but it picked up and cut off as it was in my pocket and my thumb slipped, i then called her back and said sorry i was trying to find my phone. She said "Boy for a sec i thought you cut me off i was about to be like damn" she then asked what i was upto and said she had to go and would call me later...

 

I feel strange now, I am expecting a call at any time, what does this sudden jealousy mean? How should I approach it, i know asking her back out is futile and makes me look needy....also just to say she wants to see me on my birthday next week, help!!!

Edited May 3, 2014 by cliche1
addons

[BlueIris]

Oh, man, and now she’s criticizing you and telling you what you need to do to change? This is classic abuser/manipulator stuff.

I agree with those saying its time to cut this off or you’re going to end up her emotional yoyo that she plays with whenever she wants. She has some serious issues, as mentioned by others, starting with the premature “I love you,” putting up a wall, push/pull, absolutely no concern for how her behavior affects you.

NC all the way. You might want to tell her you can’t live like this and then go NC, but this one is wrapped in red flags.

[jaycee1]

I am going to give you the same advice I was given with the last guy I dated. He was a great guy but serious commitment issues.

 

Believe her actions not her words. She has clearly stated she is not interested in a romantic relationship. The jealous comment was to keep you on the back burner. It has no meaning.

 

From what I am getting she wants a guy to play the game with. She isn't attracted to something that is "easy". She likes the chase, the elusiveness of a guy that's hard to get. You made yourself fully open to her and available, that is why she backed away.

 

So the question for you is, do you want to play her game or not. You may be able to pull her attention to you for awhile,. but a game is a game and not a good way to build a relationship.

[hopefullove]

she's scared.

 

All these feelings she's had for you, she hasn't had in a long time.

With her mom passing away, it's really nice to have someone you have feelings for and care about. She is scared and since she has been divorce and has experienced loss - she wants to move cautiously now.

 

She is in love with you but wants to be sure, very sure that you feel the same and are patient with her to show her you love her too.

[OhThatGirl]

Oh dear.

 

Her telling you to find yourself and get a backbone? Yeah. That's her telling you "it was really nice to have my needs met by you, and as I'm out playing the game with other men that do it better, I will keep you as backup to boost me when I lose."

 

Cut her off. Period. End. She appreciates your attention but wants it on her own terms while she can play a game with someone who can't really commit to her.

 

Walk away. No contact. Block her number. Delete/block her Facebook.

 

She is TELLING you to stand up for yourself and have a spine and yet you keep making yourself available for her to use.

 

Tell her you're sorry things didn't work out, you hope the best for her, and cut her out of your life. Otherwise you're going to keep getting these BS breadcrumbs that get your hopes up and confuse you all while she is losing respect for you.

 

That's it. Done. Over. Moving on!!

[cliche1]

I am going to give you the same advice I was given with the last guy I dated. He was a great guy but serious commitment issues.

 

Believe her actions not her words. She has clearly stated she is not interested in a romantic relationship. The jealous comment was to keep you on the back burner. It has no meaning.

 

From what I am getting she wants a guy to play the game with. She isn't attracted to something that is "easy". She likes the chase, the elusiveness of a guy that's hard to get. You made yourself fully open to her and available, that is why she backed away.

 

So the question for you is, do you want to play her game or not. You may be able to pull her attention to you for awhile,. but a game is a game and not a good way to build a relationship.

 

yeah thats part of the reason i didnt reply, but the fact she called me twice in two minutes a few hours later meant she was eager to talk to me, and for what, im wondering if its a reaction that i may not be at her beck and call, and totally into her, it apparently creeped her out that i was so into her.

 

I really feel like i shoud just be at arms length... i think deep down she has some feelings for me, but a mixture of all thats going on around her, plus her focus on the negatives and not the positives. Next week will be the first time we have physically seen each other since the last day before we broke up, this has all been by text and phone since then. So maybe i may get the real 100% truth, i#m already feeling like a more confident, self assured person as i got something at work finally out my system.....she is clearly looking to see some growth in me. maybe after this, i will cut her out.

[ExpatInItaly]

Yikes. Continue to keep your distance from her - you'll wind up even more hurt if you don't.

 

She likes having you around to stroke her ego. She feels low when she doesn't get that validation from you, yet she doesn't give it to you. In my frank opinion, she's being manipulative by telling you she doesn't want to date you and that you should go back on Tinder, then playing sad-face when you do exactly that. And she has the gall to tell you to work on yourself? Come on, lady!