How can I forgive him?

[Carolina09]

I really need some advice to get over this. My boyfriend and I have been dating for about 3 years.

We have not had sex because it is very important to me to wait until marriage. We have messed around though and he always told me that he was a virgin too. Everything that I have done with him, I always thought we were doing it for the first time together. Yesterday I caught him in a lie and I told him that if there was any other lies that I don't know about then I want to know them now. He told me that he had sex. It was only one time in the 10th grade and she was in the eight grade at a campout that he was really drunk at. He says he does not even remember most of it. I am so hurt that I don't know what to do. I started crying and I hit him but I cannot bring myself to break up with him. I love him so much and I know he loves me. He started crying and told me that he was so sorry and that if he could take it back he would. He said felt horrible after he did it and he could not tell me until now because he knew how much it would hurt me.

I am so hurt. All this time when I thought our first time was going to be together and now I know he has already shared that with somebody else (it was her first time too and it does not make it better that she is one of the biggest sluts at our high school). I cannot quit feeling so bad. I don't want this to affect my everyday life and school work, but I feel very depressed. And I want to get over this, but everytime he goes to touch me or anything, I just keep imagining things. The visions are the worst and I don't know what to do to make them go away. If anyone has any advice on how we can work through this it would be appreciated.

[morrigan]

Realize that this happened in the past--it did not occur during your relationship. It also sounds like your boyfriend isn't exactly proud of what happened--he

learned from that experience and it helped shape who you are currently dating.

 

It sounds as if you are feeling that the experiences you and your boyfriend have had together are no longer special or significant. Don't view them that way--his feelings when he he had sex with this girl are far different from the feelings he has with you. Your boyfriend made a stupid mistake when he was younger, but it does not deter from how he feels about you now.

[DBUK]

I respect the fact that some people don't want to have sex untill marriage and i understand why people do it. You've always known that you didn't want to.

 

Before your boyfriend met you, he might not have had the same feelings on waiting for sex, lets face it, lots of people don't see it that way. He did it, and in a way he regrets it.

 

When he met you, he realised how special you were he decided to hold back on having sex as well, something which, again, lots of people would point blank refuse to do. He did something before you knew each other so you can not blame him for that.

 

It seems like you have a good b/f there who is happy to wait for you to be ready. I understand that you are probably upset due to the fact he lied about it, but when you found out you were hurt - maybe he just didn't want to hurt you.

 

Thats just my take on it. My girlfriend also is waiting for marriage, but as i respect her decision, she respects that when i was younger, i didn't view life the same and had sex a number of times.

 

DBUK

"I can only show you the door, you have to walk through it alone" - Matrix

[RedSkiGirl9]

Hi there!

 

Forgiveness is extremely hard. I can relate with that since before I met my fiance, I have had extremely hard relationships with boyfriends who have done stuff to hurt me that I haven't even forgiven them for yet. Today in church a mother was speaking about how her son was in Israel and her son was beaten almost to death by an anti-Isreal group. Her son was then broadcasted all around Isreal by the army saying that he wasn't a good enough soldier (he was a soldier in the army) because he didn't kill them all.

 

She was angry at this and filled with hatred and rage. She said, "How can I ever forgive these men for doing this to my son?"

 

She prayed to God and he gave her the strength to forgive these men.

 

Her son has never been the same since.

 

I understand where you are coming from because that has happened to me, well, something similar. I hate all porn and anything that has to do wtih porn and I get hurt when my boyfriend might see some of it, but anyway, he told me a few months ago that he used to look at it and that really hurt me because now I feel so used and neglected.

 

This may seem weird, but what I do it try to convince myself that it's not wrong to have sex before marriage (even though I am waiting until marriage for sex too) and that it's fine to do it...that takes away a lot of pain if I condition myself to think that way. It's weird and probably not right, but it helps me.

 

Let me know how things go...

 

RED

[Carolina09]

Thank you all so much for your advice. It has really been hard forgiving my boyfriend for lying to me. But we are getting through it and our relationship is really strong right now. The hard part now is trying to forget. I feel like I cannot go anywhere in my hometown because I am afaid of running into the girl and I don't think I can handle seeing her right now. I still get really sad when I think about what happened but I am trying to focus on the good things in my life right now. I know that my boyfriend loves me and he is doing everything he can to help me get through this situation. RedSkiGirl, I can completly relate to how you feel and how you are trying to think differently about the situation. I am trying to do that too. Everyday it gets a little better and I know eventually my life will be back like it was before. I know that I am blessed in many other different ways and I am just trying to focus on that and I know the pain will go compeltely away some day. Thanks for all your advice and it really did help reading it.