Groping on first date. Was it my fault? Did I provoke him somehow?

[Letitsnow]

Long story... sorry. I met this guy on internet. He was very sweet, said all right things, called me pet names, how much he misses me and thinks about me every day. We talked almost every day. He also send me his chest naked sexy pics without me asking for. I sent only one - regular and when he kept asking for sexy kind I said no.

 

 

After short while, he talked about kissing my sweet lips and what he would do to me. I played role in this conversation until the moment when he used vulgar words. I didn't like that talk.

 

He apologized and we kept talking in normal way but nothing was really deep and I pretty much knew very little about him.

Six months later, he was coming to my state. He said he wants to see me, kiss me, etc.

 

We met but I did not expect anything, just to see him. He kissed me after very short time. Nothing shy. Deep french kiss and then he was all over me. Groping through my body, breast, even crotch. I always put his hands back to my waist. He apologized but then did it again. When we were kissing in his car, he shocked me by pulling his p..s out and putting my hand on it.

I was very confused about him. But he was very charming, handsome, sweet and funny. He was gentle by holding my hand, cuddling, kissing my face, hair, nose, hands. But that other part was something I did not like. He apologized later on.

 

When I met him second time, I told him I can't sleep with him even though we talked dirty couple times on chat and what we do to each other. But at a same time he was talking about marriage and I did to take it seriously.

He said he is fine with it but kept heavy groping each time plus getting into my pants with his hand or getting him out of his pants. Honestly, I did not like, but when he was gentle and "affectionate" I forgot all about that.

He was talking about our future, how much he wants me, how we are attracted to each other. He told me about his life, even mentioned his salary, expensive clothes, etc. Something I did not care about. I was not there for money. I liked him.

 

 

After couple more meetings, he send me text with " I think I am falling for you". That's how I felt but I did not trust him for some reason.

Every time I met him I would tell him, actually apologize that I can't sleep with him. He said it's ok and he is happy to just be with me. And I believed him.

 

Last time when I saw him everything was the same except when we were making out I let him go further. I let him feel me while being on top but held him from going in. There was a moment when I looked at him and said Stop. I am not sure if I was not loud enough, or he did not hear me but after many of his tries, I gave in.

I know this was my fault because I could leave and I did not. I felt very much used and he actually asked if I feel bad that he "forced" me to do it. I just knew I won't hear from him ever again because he probably got what he wanted. He said he did not want only this and can prove it. He said he won't hurt me.

 

 

Then he left back home. I got a few texts, ignored FB messages, less and less messages even though they said he hopes to see me again.

 

 

I am thinking what happened every day and blame myself for it. I was really falling for him and hoped he was real because he seemed real and honest. It hurts. I do not sleep around. I am almost 30 and had only one man before. I did not dressed provocative nor revealing on our dates. But after all, I feel so cheap and easy for giving in after 5th date. I kinda wish I could tell him how I feel right now and how I was not ready for what happened between us. I wish he did not give me all those fairy tales about us and future if he did not mean any of it. I feel lost...

 

 

 

 

How to deal with this? Should I tell him anything? How can someone pretend so much?

Please let me know!

[Omei]

I dont think he was pretending since he made it really clear through chats and meetings that he really just wanted sex.

 

Sounds like you wernt firm enough with your boundries and you also kept letting him return dispite his grabbing so somewhere inside you liked it too he picked up on that and pushed you till you popped.

[Blade96]

You made a mistake. No it wasn't your fault. That did not give him the right to push and demand things that you were not clearly ready for, and then to force it on you when you said no.

 

I would have stopped it at when he kept asking for sexy pics when you sent him a cute pretty normal pic. That pretty much told me right there what he wants. But I know other women make mistakes, and No it is not their fault because it doesn't give anyone the right to hurt you. He assaulted you and is dangerous. Hell you could be walking down the street with 4000 dollars in your pocket. Still doesn't give anyone the right to harm you and rob you.

 

I have run into guys like this. In real life and online. Hell, my sociopath ex was always pushing for stuff I did not want to do yet. Maybe I would have done them though, if he was a nice normal guy. But he wasn't. And his personality made me not want to do anything he wanted.

 

Its not a good way to learn about anything, having someone hurt you and I don't recommend anyone learn this way, by getting hurt. But you know now for the future right? And it did make you wiser.

 

I'm sorry this happened to you. Would like to pummel this arse with a clue by four, but I can't. unfortunately. I would like to send you forum hugs though and hope you are ok.

Edited December 9, 2013 by Blade96

[the_entertainer1]

I dont think he was pretending since he made it really clear through chats and meetings that he really just wanted sex.

 

Sounds like you wernt firm enough with your boundries and you also kept letting him return dispite his grabbing so somewhere inside you liked it too he picked up on that and pushed you till you popped.

 

I kind of disagree with this - your comment, Omei (in my opinion) makes it sound like the OP encouraged his behaviour and should be 'at fault' for what happened. This is not the case.

 

He knew you didn't want to go that far. You told him to stop. If he didn't hear you, it's fair enough that he kept going, but at the same time, when he asks if you felt bad because he 'forced' you to do it? That sounds like he knew you didn't want to and he did it anyway.

 

It's bad that it seems he's kind of backed off, but I wouldn't write him off completely. Send him a message. Tell him how bad you feel about the situation. If he has any decency or care for you, he'll show you he wasn't just in it for sex.

 

Sorry you're feeling bad about this, but know that it's not the end of the world. As the clichè goes - there are plenty more fish in the sea (and really, there are!)

[petall]

The guy is a player and it is pretty obvious he only wanted sex. Did he even really bother to get to know you? Sounds to me like it was all about sex sex sex from the get go.

 

Sorry to sound cruel but this type of guy is a complete wastrel. You were used. He would hold zero attraction for me and in fact is a complete turn off from the way he pretty much just mauled you. He is not relationship material. Don't spend any more time with him.

[Grumpybutfun]

Letitsnow:

Everything he did from sending chest photos to talking dirty to you should have told you he was after sex only and that was his focus. These things are red flags and should never be ignored. Do you have trouble differentiating between normal and sexualized behavior? Do you know what a normal relationship looks like?

Relationships are not based on anything sexual at the beginning when you are trying to get to know each other as people. When men mention sex a lot or talk dirty to you or send dirty photos, they are after sex. That is a good time to say that you are moving on and that you aren't interested in being sexualized. What you want is important so don't let other people minimize that by participating in it just because you think that is how guys show they like you. It isn't how men show they like you. It is how men show they just want sex. Therefore, you get mauled and grinded on and pen*ses shoved in your hand which is inappropriate in the extreme.

You have to take some ownership in him sexualizing you because you kept letting him pursue sex and did not stop him or place boundaries. This guy wanted a hook-up, but should have stopped when you said no, no question about that. Anyone could have provoked it with this guy. This isn't normal dating experiences, btw. Good riddance to him as he sounds like a sexual predator. Next time go with your intuition because you shouldn't have trusted him at all.

Move on,

Grumps

Edited December 9, 2013 by Grumpybutfun

[soccerrprp]

Letitsnow,

 

He used you and took advantage of you. You need to learn to say NO and let there be NO doubt that that is what you mean. This guy is SLIME. Some men don't know when to stop and worse, some men think very little of women and will push and push and until the woman gives in or ardently demonstrates that she means NO!

 

I'm sorry. Don't let any man ever sweet talk you like this again. Be cautious and stay away from guys who come at you sexually. Pics, talk that is sexual in nature so early in a relationship is a bad sign.

 

On another, unfortunate note, did he use a condom? You may want to check for STDs later on.

[maiden of rohan]

Is this real?

 

Don't give this creep a second thought. He's a total d-bag.

 

Some guys will say anything to get what they want, but you have to learn to enforce your boundaries and stick to them. If you don't want to do something, don't let them pressure you into it. If they start the pressure, kick them to the curb.

 

Please, don't blame yourself for this. He's a creep, and it's all on him.

Edited December 9, 2013 by maiden of rohan

[d0nnivain]

Letitsnow --

 

 

Although you are 30 years old you are very naive in many ways & this man took advantage of that. It was not your fault but you do have the ability to prevent stuff like this from happening in the future.

 

 

You need to know what your boundaries are. If you want to have sex, great, fine, enjoy. If you don't want to have sex, that's OK to. When you put yourself in a position where you let somebody else "talk you into it" you end up giving mixed messages & you have a great deal of regret afterwards because it wasn't really your choice. You didn't own your decision.

 

 

From what you wrote in another post, you are very lucky that this jerk didn't date rape you. Men who talk about sex too early who don't back off when you tell them to, are not good guys. The way to protect yourself is to make good decisions: Don't be alone with him. Say NO loudly & forcefully & clearly. Don't be afraid to switch things up -- sit up, turn on a light, move to a different chair (if the 2 of you were lying on the couch) or go in the living room / kitchen if you became uncomfortable in the bedroom.

 

 

Be safe but don't beat yourself up about this. Just make better decisions going forward. Live & learn.

[Zahara]

The moment he started sending you pictures of his chest you should have cut it right there. When he whipped out his penis , and made you touch it, you should have stopped it right there. What about this guy were you falling for? Really, what?

 

What did you think a guy that behaves this way actually wants? You can't be this naive. It was all sexually driven.

 

Let this be a lesson to you. There is nothing wrong with you giving yourself to someone on the fifth date, what's wrong is who you decided to give it to even when the red flags were flying.

 

Cut him off. Ignore him. You don't need a man that doesn't respect you or your boundaries.

[Letitsnow]

Letitsnow:

Everything he did from sending chest photos to talking dirty to you should have told you he was after sex only and that was his focus. These things are red flags and should never be ignored. Do you have trouble differentiating between normal and sexualized behavior? Do you know what a normal relationship looks like?

Relationships are not based on anything sexual at the beginning when you are trying to get to know each other as people. When men mention sex a lot or talk dirty to you or send dirty photos, they are after sex. That is a good time to say that you are moving on and that you aren't interested in being sexualized. What you want is important so don't let other people minimize that by participating in it just because you think that is how guys show they like you. It isn't how men show they like you. It is how men show they just want sex. Therefore, you get mauled and grinded on and pen*ses shoved in your hand which is inappropriate in the extreme.

You have to take some ownership in him sexualizing you because you kept letting him pursue sex and did not stop him or place boundaries. This guy wanted a hook-up, but should have stopped when you said no, no question about that. Anyone could have provoked it with this guy. This isn't normal dating experiences, btw. Good riddance to him as he sounds like a sexual predator. Next time go with your intuition because you shouldn't have trusted him at all.

Move on,

Grumps

 

Crumpybutfun...

 

I don't have much experience in dating. After being in 14 years long relationship I simply did not have a clue there are people who play with your heads and hearts. As naive as it sounds, I just did not know.

His pictures freaked me out, yes, and I did not think it was normal. But then he started his sweet talk and I let that go.

Same when he asked for my pictures. I send one - not revealing kind - nothing sexy-sexy and then did not send anything else even though he wanted more.

 

He was sweet, nice. When we met in person, I was terribly attracted to him.

In my previous LTR I missed so much. I went through emotional and some physical abuse and stayed with him anyway. He changed for better but it was little too late for me.

 

So when this guy came along, I saw someone charming, very handsome and sweet. He said all right things. He woke up something in me that I did not feel for at least 7 years. I liked his kisses, his gentle touch.

His pulling out habit freaked me out but I came back and did my mistake.

 

I knew something was wrong and too good to be true. But I ignored it because I wanted to believe his words.

He kept talking about future, how much he wants to be with me...All just sweet talk. He said it is not about sex for him and he just to spend time with me was good enough....Yeah, right!

[Letitsnow]

The moment he started sending you pictures of his chest you should have cut it right there. When he whipped out his penis , and made you touch it, you should have stopped it right there. What about this guy were you falling for? Really, what?

 

What did you think a guy that behaves this way actually wants? You can't be this naive. It was all sexually driven.

 

Let this be a lesson to you. There is nothing wrong with you giving yourself to someone on the fifth date, what's wrong is who you decided to give it to even when the red flags were flying.

 

Cut him off. Ignore him. You don't need a man that doesn't respect you or your boundaries.

 

I know, very naive of me!

 

He said from begging he wants to kiss me. But kept saying that just to see me will be great. So I thought maybe he wants to know me as well.

 

What made me fall for him was his charm. I did not feel this attracted to anybody for a very long time.

Those things he did - like pulling out ... an hour after we met, groping though my body - was not something I like. I went home right after that but I came back when I should not and it was my mistake.

He made me feel like he wants more than sex. His talk about future, about his moving closer, seeing each other again...all that sweet talk. I liked his attention and when he was gentle with me. I melted each time he kissed my nose or hair. I simply put those little affectionate gestures on pedestal and ignored red flags. There were plenty, I know...

 

He recently contacted me on FB asking me how I am, how much he misses me...That was nice until a moment when he asked if I can send him some sexy pictures. I sent one regular and he replied "why not sexy"...

 

I am sorry for what I did. I should never come back to him without setting clear boundaries. I should see everything what was wrong from day one. But I did not because I hoped for better. I guess just because I can't pretend being into someone and have feelings for them - does not mean there are not people like that. I should know better.

[Leigh 87]

I had sex on date two with my boyfriend. He invited me to meet his family and over 10 of his friends after date one (he asked me to his 30th after date one).

 

I believe I've had enough experience with men to know if they seem genuine.

 

First off, if they talk about sex early on, that's likely all they want.

 

You need to just wise up. Learn the signs that a man is intending to use you for sex then leave.

[PegNosePete]

He also send me his chest naked sexy pics without me asking for. I sent only one - regular and when he kept asking for sexy kind I said no.

You should have stopped talking to him after this. Clearly you are not after the same thing as him.

 

After short while, he talked about kissing my sweet lips and what he would do to me. I played role in this conversation until the moment when he used vulgar words. I didn't like that talk.

You should have stopped talking to him after this. Clearly you are not after the same thing as him.

 

Groping through my body, breast, even crotch. I always put his hands back to my waist. He apologized but then did it again.

You should have stopped talking to him after this. Clearly you are not after the same thing as him.

 

When we were kissing in his car, he shocked me by pulling his p..s out and putting my hand on it.

You should have stopped talking to him after this. Clearly you are not after the same thing as him.

 

When I met him second time

OH COME ON

Really?

Did you expect him to change?

[regine_phalange]

It has happened to me that a sexual-relationship-with-groping-since-day-one like this ended up as an exclusive one. But;

 

1) I was very hurt by my previous relationship, didn't believe in love at the time and I just didn't want any emotional intimacy with anyone -- only the fun. I didn't care what he would think of me or if he never called back again

2) I was very well aware that the whole thing would be sexual, because that's what we would talk about and what we would do, day and night; that was what I wanted at the moment

3) He kept in touch all the time

4) We were both screwed up in the past, and there was a lot of -how to put it- compassion (?) between us

 

Now I wouldnt say that it was the best relationship ever, because there were a lot of insecurities from both that ruined things, and also a certain co dependency. But no matter how immaturely it started, in the end we touched each others hearts, even a little bit.