When Problem Drinking Becomes a Problem

[mugirl213]

I hope that I can get some good perspective without people simply jumping to a "dump him" response or something of that nature.

 

I've been with my boyfriend for about 7 months now...and things are generally great between us. The only problem becomes drinking. Initially when we started together, we went out and rarely had problems with drinking...as we've been together longer, we drink to excess about...1-2 times a month or so. This weekend marked the second time there has been a serious problem with us and drinking. The first time was after about 2-3 months of us dating and he got really belligerant and SEEMED to be flirting with a girl at the bar (he was talking to her, didn't know her and I was with my friend so not paying total attention) and I took him home and put him to bed. The next day he didn't even know something bad had happened the night before. He just remembered us having fun. He apologized and stated this was not the norm and that he would do his best not to let it happen again.

 

So this past weekend...everything had been fine until this point. We had stuff to drink together and argued more often than not...but it wasn't anything major...alcohol is an antagonizer. But this weekend we went to a bar/club, had a great time, until he just "clicked" and became a different person. He went off to dance by himself (which is fine, but I would have danced w/him)...so I said, "Heyyy why did you go dance w/o me?" In a teasy way...and he said "Don't start!"...and went off for a min or so...came back...and then told me we "had to leave" and stories about seeing someone there that upset him...and telling me I was drivnig us the wrong way home, etc. And then when we got home, he started slamming doors and just being generally beligerant with me. He got into the tub to take a bath and I kept checking on him, until he decided he just wanted to bed. He went into his room and I went into mine and fell asleep crying/upset.

 

The next day...early in the morning, he came over to my room and said, "OMG...what happened last night?" I said..."You don't remember?" And he said, "Noooooo!!! We were having so much fun! Everything was going great!" To which I said, "WERE having fun...WAS great."

 

And I proceeded to tell him what happened the night before and he was clearly upset/embarassed (as he was before) and apologized repeatedly. He also was telling me how he was a problem drinker...which meant apparently that he isn't to the point where he CRAVE alcohol...but more when he drinks, he has trouble controling himself. I asked what we could do to help the situation...perhaps drinking something else, me stopping him when I think he's had enough, etc. He said he felt the best solution was to stop drinking altogether and if he was in a social situation he would drink beer as that did not cause him problems (which I can totally verify and vouch for). He's a very responsible person, but his drinking has caused him problems before...2 years back he had a DUI...He's since learned his lesson with that and refuses to drink and drive and we always take precautions (he's actually made me more responsible).

 

I do feel that he wants to make a change with this...but there are things that worry me.

 

1. This weekend we are going on a camping trip that he originally planned to drink at. He stated that he wouldn't "be drinking any more" so therefore he shouldn't drink this weekend (and we can't have beer bottles, so beer isn't an option). But we hadn't discussed this weekend...he sipmly said he was glad it happened before the weekend with both our friends around, etc.

 

2. He's going to Vegas for 2 nights/3 days the end of the month on business.

 

3. He's going to a friends house Memorial Day weekend to the beach with a friend who is his "drinking buddy."

 

I totally my sober boyfriend, but I have a hard time trusting my drunk boyfriend. I'm afraid he could kiss a girl or worse while drunk and not remember. Likethe only reason he realized something was wrong Sunday morning was b/c he was sleeping alone.

 

So...my dilema is this. He gets frustrated with repeated arguments on the same topic. (i.e. we've already discussed this and moved on...why are we discussing this again) But since Sunday, I started thinking about these things and worrying. I don't know if I should say something...wait and see how things go this weekend...or what. But I'm gong to worry myself sick while he's away...

 

And no, I don't want to dump him. I believe he's a person of worth and things are great otherwise. These have been two incidennts in my company that have caused us problems.

[Fayebelle]

Addiction is a progressive disease and your BF fits the mold. He needs help and support- not someone to dump him flat before he tries to seek treatment.

 

That said- you can not provide treatment alone. He needs help- def AA (which you can do together) and possibly rehab (a good one Will get you involved)

 

IF he is not willing to seek treatment then you may have to consider moving on.

 

Addiction is a long road w/lots of ups and downs. Are you certain you are ready to go along for the ride?

[mugirl213]

He's definitely worth it..I'll vouch for that.

 

I know he's had problems before with drinking in the past and this is supposedly an improvement.

 

It's just baffling to me, because he's normally not like this remotely at all.

 

I don't know what to suggest to him...because I want to give him the chance to change w/o automatically concluding he can't do it. Should I wait until another incident occurs? Bring up the topic again and risk a big argument b/c we already discussed things? But I am honestly worried about this...and rightly so.

 

I love him and I'd do anything for him...I just feel bad/weird suggesting rehab/AA.

 

I also dont want to play the fool or fear getting hurt/cheated on (though he's never cheated in the past). I don't want to be that girl in denial for the next howevermany years either...

 

But do I give him a chance to change on his own...or what?

[Fayebelle]

If he had cancer would you be embarrassed discussing chemo? Would you wait for another tumor before approaching him? If he argued about chemo -would you back down?

 

It's a disease. He needs help. Period.

[shamen]

I agree with Fayebelle. My ex-bf is/was an alcoholic. I wish I had been paying better attention at the beginning of the relationship, as we were together for 3 1/2 years.

 

It was indeed a very long road with tons of ups and downs... By the end, he did not always coming home at night in the last two years, he was belligerent when drunk, I had to drive all the time when we went out, he drove when he shouldn't have many times and once seriously screwed up his car and didn't remember it, he spent time in jail for a dui and paid almost a $1000 fine (1st offense), he got fired from a job, he went through rehab and then started drinking again, he ended up re-using drugs that he had quit several years ago. Of course when I finally did break up with him, he blamed me for giving up on him too soon...

 

They were some of the toughest years that I have spent on this planet. I can't tell you how many nights I waited up for him to come home when we lived together when I (and he) had to go to work the next day. Mind you, we were together a year when we moved in together and this started later than that, not immediately.

 

I second the notion that addiction is a LONG road. Again, are you ready to go along for the ride?

 

All I'm saying is be really careful. I still love this man, but we are not together as he loves alcohol more than me.

 

If you really want to stay with him: help him to get help, support him, don't drink around him if you want to be together.

 

EDIT: You've since reposted. AA or any rehab program are both great opportunities for him to change his life. He needs to make new, sober friends.

[mugirl213]

Do you think this is as serious as full blown alcoholism? I mean things seem to be improving. Or maybe I'm just in denial over this whole thing. I feel really awkward and I know he feels bad about the situation. I mean like I said too it's an improvment over the past.

 

He said, " i guess i'm happier than i used to be...I used to tell my ex that I hated her and that I wanted to kill myself."

[Fayebelle]

http://www.alcoholics-anonymous.org/

 

http://www.aa-intergroup.org/

[Fayebelle]

Originally posted by mugirl213

Do you think this is as serious as full blown alcoholism? I mean things seem to be improving. Or maybe I'm just in denial over this whole thing. I feel really awkward and I know he feels bad about the situation. I mean like I said too it's an improvment over the past.

 

 

And it's why you have to get involved w/his treatment- you have to learn how to live w/and support an addict.

[mugirl213]

You're right that something needs to be done. i'm going to look over the links and read about it and hopefully gently talk to him tonight.

 

He recognizes there is a problem here and that to me is a good sign. I have no problems not drinking around him or anything.

 

I guess why I'm confused about it is b/c it's been two incidents in 7 months. And as I said, this is an improvment over his college years (3 years ago) where he'd drink multiple times a week.

 

I think he needs to realize what the problem is...which does seem to help...but I can't make him do anything and I know I'd probably be upset if someone confronted me on this matter...so how do i approach this.

[shamen]

2 more links that helped me...

 

http://alcoholism.about.com

 

http://www.reutershealth.com/wellconnected/doc56.html

 

Approaching him: just tell him that you realize that he said he was a problem drinker, that he wants to quit (except beer, silly him), so maybe he might want to think about a support group. AA? Rehab? He already knows he has a problem.

 

Why only 2 incidents in 7 months? It's early in the relationship. He's saving the fun stuff for later. No offense, but I swear they (the ones with the big problems) reel you in and then let you see the real them when you're hooked.

[Fayebelle]

Honest, calm, and concerned. Print off anything on those sites that help you back your point. Talk to his friends and family and have them sit down with you. Speak to someone in your local AA chapter about joining you. It's called an intervention and he will probally be pi$$ed. It takes time. Stick to your guns- but no ultimatums yet- threats won't help, they only make people more defensive.

 

The best thing that could happen for an addict is to "catch" the prob early. It doesn't SEEM so bad b/c it just hasn't progressed yet. YET- being the key word. Do you want to watch and wait til he's blacking out every night and drinking to get thru the A.M.? Given time- this WILL happen if help is not sought.

[mugirl213]

Thanks guys...I really appreciate your help and I'm sure I sound cliched when I say that I love this man more t han anything and it's the last thing I'd expect. I know...typical, huh? I just hate fighting, as does he (who doesn't I guess)...and I don't want to feel like I can't talk to him...but I"m going to have to suck it up and be strong! Wish me luck!

[shamen]

Good luck!

 

You don't sound cliched, I still love my ex. If he had been willing to go to rehab again and really work on his problem, we'd probably still be together.

[havNfun]

OP, how old is your boyfriend?

 

I think this should be considered along with a few other factors

before decideing that he is an alcoholic.

 

I don't do a small amount of partying myself but it hasn't increased at all - over many years.

 

 

just wondering -

[Fayebelle]

It's not the frequency of his partying so much as the effects of his drinking that makes me see addictive tendencies.

 

He loses track of time, place and and seems to regret his behavior when under the influence. It is having a negative effect on his relationship. All these things are early warning signs that should not be ignored. Why wait when treatment can be sought now. If he doesn't have a prob than a PROFFESSIONAL will tell him so. They are better equipped than any of us to diagnose a specific case- but they can't make that desicion unless he goes.

[havNfun]

It's not the frequency of his partying so much as the effects of his drinking that makes me see addictive tendencies.

 

He loses track of time, place and and seems to regret his behavior when under the influence. It is having a negative effect on his relationship. All these things are early warning signs that should not be ignored. Why wait when treatment can be sought now. If he doesn't have a prob than a PROFFESSIONAL will tell him so. They are better equipped than any of us to diagnose a specific case- but they can't make that desicion unless he goes.

 

 

- well Fayebelle you made some very good points there this last post.

And there is no harm in preventative medicine either.

I have heard of a few very good people being ruined by it. Seems like one things gets taken away at a time until a person has nothing left - its crazy - its just a beverage. Well, I think a lot of us, if not most people need some sort of medicine to keep life's realities at bay.

[havNfun]

a friend who is an alcoholic shot himself in the head while in one of those "not remembering" states.

[Fayebelle]

Only crack and heroin were his drugs of choice.

 

I'm not joking when I say it can be VERY dangerous to overlook early warning signs.

[havNfun]

wow. I am so sorry Fay.

[mugirl213]

My bf is 25....he's gotten progressively better with drinking over the yeras from what I understand. I think his big wakeup call was his DUI 2 years back.

[Fayebelle]

Originally posted by mugirl213

My bf is 25....he's gotten progressively better with drinking over the yeras from what I understand. I think his big wakeup call was his DUI 2 years back.

 

Again- don't enable him. You were obviously concerned or you would not have posted. Let a professional decide if it's a problem or disease. Problems Can get better- untreated diseases Will get worse.

[Fayebelle]

Originally posted by havNfun

wow. I am so sorry Fay.

 

Thank you- it was a long time ago and as you can see I've educated myself as part of my recovery. This year I will turn 25 and officially lived longer than he did. Despite my family history and a DUI of my own my counselor determined I was a problem drinker Not an alcoholic- see why I say you should get a Pro opinion? They handle things in specifics- not generalizations as we must do here.

[havNfun]

wow - all that on your plate before 25. It sounds like you have a lot of strength Fay, in spite of - or more likely because of - these challenges.

[mugirl213]

Faye...this is what they told him in his DUI meetings....problem drinker....what does that mean? How can I help? What do I do?

[Fayebelle]

Problem drinkers are the high level social drinkers and low level addicts- It is where the 2 meet. Problem drinkers go on to become alcoholics or settle into "normal" social drinkers w/time. Your BF was diagnosed 2yrs ago and it seems he isn't calming much- so it stands to reason he is headed in the other direction. Also consider my DUI was almost 3yrs ago and I blew a .07- I was BARELY over the limit. These days I still drink to the tipsy stage- some people have witnessed some of my posts - but I never lose control of time, place, $ or anything else that can cause regret. It does not effect me or my relationships in a negative manner.

 

 

I believe the diagnosis of problem drinker is a warning for constant vigilance- if you notice a decline, proceed as if dealing w/a late stage alcoholic b/c addiction is the same disease no matter what stage it is in.