Dating & time constraints (long..sorry!)

[GemmaUK]

Hi all,

 

I'm new here. *waves*

 

I don't know if this is a me thing or whether my picker is broken (man picker that is)..or whether it's just signs I should watch out for..or..whether I am totally expecting/wanting too much..or perhaps more precisely too little.

 

Cutting a big long story short:

I dated a guy for 7 months up until April this year.

I am 44 and work in finance, have my own place.

He was 42, a trucker so lived in his truck all week and at weekends he lived with his parents.

 

He had no hobbies that he could participate in during the week, would have breaks from an hour to 6 hours for loading and unloading the truck, he didn't have a lot to 'take care of' during the week - just find a place to have a shower and a take away place to order dinner from.

 

I have hobbies and I also like time for just me..watching tv, going on forums (am a member of two - a dating one and one linked to one of my hobbies, I work office hours but in my line of work they are sometimes longer than normal..11 or 12 hours sometimes and I can get home and be exhausted.

 

Problems set in with this guy about a month in as I could not keep up with the amount of contact he required. I will say that it was my fault initially for shifting my own boundaries and being too available - too willing to text and speak on the phone.

Also, alongside that I was on a week's holiday from work when I first met him but as well as that I was also off work a couple of weeks later as my family was over from Australia and I hadn't seen my brother in ten years. Work was also lighter as the Olympics had just been and gone and that affected our business a lot - summertime always does. Winter is always busier. Much busier.

 

The problems for us were that he wanted constant texts..maybe 20/30 back and forth per day and a long call every night..an hour or two.

 

Texts would start at 5.30/6 am - he would have started work by then..while I was only just up and needing coffee.

I would log into the dating site that we were both on with a forum on it.

He didn't like that I logged in before saying good morning though - even though I was just reading and not posting anything.

 

Big bit of story cut out here but it got to the stage at Christmas where I tried to end it. There was a lot of other problems as well to be honest.

I was always in the wrong and it was no fun anymore.

We had a bust up.

 

One of the things he said was that he didn't comprehend why I had to have a few hours of time when I got home at night or why I needed any free time in the evenings... but he did say he had never looked after a house so could not understand why housework (for instance) took any time up.

He did expect me to always look good, for my house to look good and when he would get here on a Friday at midnight..that was my time to do his washing for him..

 

So..that ended in April. There were many many reasons why. Not just that I couldn't keep up. I finished it - but there are still strange things that I remember about that relationship that make me wonder what it was all about really.

 

Anyway, to today..

Been chatting with a guy, seemed a litlle overkeen to begin with but seems OK since.

I was off Christmas shopping this afternoon and told him I was doing that and that also I am sorting my place out after having had a flood earlier this year. There's still some work to be done here but I need to move things around in order that it can get done and I would like it all finished before Christmas.

 

So he asked me twice what I was doing today, I told him, then he asked me to have an afternoon walk and find a country pub....

 

This is when I had already told him my plans twice within an hour...

 

He has stated on his profile that his house situation is not listed but he said he took his parents dogs for a walk this morning.

I am thinking he is living with his parents to be honest. He is 46 years old.

 

I would love to meet a guy who has interests and hobbies - some that match mine and some that don't. Someone who respects my time as much as I do theirs.

 

Am I expecting/hoping for way too much?

[deathandtaxes]

Is that a rhetorical question?

[GemmaUK]

Clearly this was the wrong place to come for advice/support.

My fault. I only joined today.

 

Thanks for your post though..and no it wasn't.

[deathandtaxes]

The answer is evident in your question. It is not to much to ask. If you know what you want, that's great. But you have to be very proactive when talking to prospective suitors.

[Gottabestrong]

I would love to meet a guy who has interests and hobbies - some that match mine and some that don't. Someone who respects my time as much as I do theirs.

 

Am I expecting/hoping for way too much?

 

No you are not. I think you just had two 'bad experiences'. Usually it is the man who wants more time to himself and is not into texting a lot and the woman is the one who says she wants more contact and does not understand why he needs time to himself. At least that's often the dynamic in the beginning.

 

I think if you keep looking you will definitely meet someone who is a better match for you.

 

Good luck!

[deathandtaxes]

You were clearly not compatible with the first guy. I'm surprised you lasted seven months with the guy. After a month in and you had problems. He appeared very needy and why it lasted after a month is surprising. He just wasn't for you. Don't beat yourself up over it. Have your standards. Enjoy your standards.

 

 

Did you ask the second guy about his housing situation? Is it possible that he was just walking his parents' dog and doesn't live with them? Perhaps they live with him?