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Evolved physical attraction vs. no physical attraction


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Old 21st November 2013, 9:40 AM   #1
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Evolved physical attraction vs. no physical attraction

Hi,

Found this forum, seems like a good place to go! Here is my situation. I am in a 4 year long term relationship with a woman who I could tick all the right boxes but there wasn't a strong physical/sexual attraction to. I'm now to the point where there is absolutely no physical attraction, but I do care for her deeply. I thought it may have been possible for the physical to come/improve, but it just hasn't happened. I'm feeling quite guilty and have talked to her about it. She says she has a very strong attraction to me.

Now in a complete reversal, I have a friend who I used to work with (we both no longer work together or in same company) who I have known for about 2 years. We will meet up now and then for coffee, lunch, etc. Well, when I first met her, I had absolutely no physical attraction to her. Perhaps it was because I was her supervisor and I crushed those thoughts, not sure. She is considered by those who have seen her or her picture, to be very attractive.

In a strange twist, things have evolved and the more I get to know her on the inside, the more attractive she is getting on the outside! I now consider her very beautiful and am immensely attracted to her physically/sexually. I don't know if it is important, but my friend is considerably younger than me (I'm early 40s she's 30)

I have a couple of questions. Why did my attraction intensify for my friend yet not intensify for my girlfriend? I'm almost positive that my lack of physical attraction is never going to get better for my girlfriend, so should I call it quits (I probably already know the answer)? Should I tell my friend I am attracted to her? I am almost positive she doesn't feel the same attraction toward me.

Wow, this is soooo stressful! Any words of wisdom would be very appreciated!!
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Old 22nd November 2013, 7:33 AM   #2
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OK, no advice from anyone??
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Old 22nd November 2013, 7:38 AM   #3
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I really think you should be honest with your girl friend you aren't doing any favors at least let her know you aren't feeling sexually attracted to her......unless you are a really committed person and honestly you dont sound like you are committed to her...you will cheat..maybe not with the friend but you will falter......if you stay..it needs to be dealt with counselling sought or a break is needed .....a final break not a take a break.deb......
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Old 22nd November 2013, 7:45 AM   #4
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Well, sounds like you let yourself be vulnerable for falling in love with this younger girl. If your physical desire for your girlfriend was already not very strong then I can imagine why someone who you're getting to know and does check those boxes has such an impact on you.

Ideally you would've made the choice of choosing for your current girlfriend or breaking it off for something that suits you better before you fell in love with another girl. However since it is already too late for that I'd suggest to think long and hard about whether you want to continue with your current relationship or not. And if you do that - ensure that you are not taking any decisions based on this newly developed feelings for this other girl - it's not fair to the relationship. Your relationship should be continued or broken off irrelevant of what options you have outside of it.

So the big question is - do you actually see a future for yourself and your current girlfriend? Do you think you two remain keeping eachother happy in this relationship?
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Old 22nd November 2013, 11:31 AM   #5
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What do you want in a relationship?

If I were in a relationship with a woman I had no physical attraction to I wouldn't stay there no matter what the case. I want something more special then that, some one I can be passionate with and love as a whole.

Your mind is basically weighing current investment vs. potential opportunity. You want out, I can see it, but you are afraid of losing what you have already built. Sometimes it is necessarily to tear something down and start from scratch when the foundation crippled. If you continue to build on a weak foundation it is bound to crumble at some point.
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Old 25th November 2013, 5:42 AM   #6
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Quote:
Originally Posted by man_in_the_box View Post
Well, sounds like you let yourself be vulnerable for falling in love with this younger girl. If your physical desire for your girlfriend was already not very strong then I can imagine why someone who you're getting to know and does check those boxes has such an impact on you.

Ideally you would've made the choice of choosing for your current girlfriend or breaking it off for something that suits you better before you fell in love with another girl. However since it is already too late for that I'd suggest to think long and hard about whether you want to continue with your current relationship or not. And if you do that - ensure that you are not taking any decisions based on this newly developed feelings for this other girl - it's not fair to the relationship. Your relationship should be continued or broken off irrelevant of what options you have outside of it.

So the big question is - do you actually see a future for yourself and your current girlfriend? Do you think you two remain keeping eachother happy in this relationship?
Thanks for good advice! Well, my friend, while younger, really just had a certain set of circumstances that we shared in common and that's what began the friendship. There wasn't a desire or intent to become anything more than friends. However, things change I suppose!

Regarding attraction for my actual girlfriend, my biggest dilemma is whether the physical is ever going to come or not. At this point, I just don't see it, yet we share a strong emotional bond. Of course it is not fair to her as she wants a strong sexual relationship. I have to admit too that I do suffer from a wandering eye when I'm out (even with her).

Anyone else go from no physical attraction to major physical attraction just by getting to know the person?
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Old 25th November 2013, 5:49 AM   #7
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Originally Posted by confusedofattraction View Post
Regarding attraction for my actual girlfriend, my biggest dilemma is whether the physical is ever going to come or not. At this point, I just don't see it, yet we share a strong emotional bond. Of course it is not fair to her as she wants a strong sexual relationship. I have to admit too that I do suffer from a wandering eye when I'm out (even with her).
Many people will have a wandering eye whether they have intense physical attraction or not. How is your sex life? Is it satisfying for both of you despite your lack of physical attraction? If so, do you think it's strong enough to remain that?

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Originally Posted by confusedofattraction View Post
Anyone else go from no physical attraction to major physical attraction just by getting to know the person?
I hate to be gender biased but I think this is something that more often happens to women. And then still I've never heard anyone going from absolutely none to very intense. Sorry, no experience there. I hope it works out for you.
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