A Single Mother and Me.

[MixedMinh]

My girlfriend and I have been together for a little over a year. Romantically, things are excellent. There's only one thing about the relationship that we are conflicted with, and that is, being a family. She has a 3 year old son and I am involved in his life, but not very much. I see her once a week on average. She also only stays over twice a month, sometimes three or four if I'm lucky. She works two jobs, she also lives at home with Mom, and is currently living paycheck to paycheck. Fridays are our day together. Two Fridays out of the month his father takes him, which gives us the overnights. I'm 28 years old. I am a pizza delivery boy. I am studying to become a certified personal trainer(I'm not studying as much as I should but I'm changing that). I make enough money at my job to get by, but not really enough to save. The majority of my saved money comes in through playing poker. I used to play poker for a living(only source of income). I did it for two years without a job successfully(successfully meaning averaging $18/hr over 3,000 hours of play) and have been playing for 9 years.. To me, poker is a job, to most of my friends, i'm just having fun/or gambling. This is relevant because she's been a little uncomfortable with me playing poker, as it's an unorthodox way to make money and she understands it very little. I'm trying to better my life. I had an unfortunate experience post-high school that included the death of my mother and being a homeless college dropout. I've exhausted my financial aid opportunities and now I have loans to pay back before I can even consider going back to school. I'm a bit overwhelmed as to how to better my life, but I am very much into fitness and thought getting certified as a personal trainer would be a good investment. Here's our dilemma:

 

I'm very inexperienced with kids and I have never dated a single mother. It has been a very new and challenging experience. Her life is very routine(naturally) and we rarely have an opportunity to see each other(once a week). After a year of dating, I've seen him maybe 20-30 days. I've taken him apple picking, to two different zoos, to parks, but it's safe to say I see him once or twice a month on average. There has been some nights that I come over her house an hour before he goes to bed and I get some time in. He's opened up to me a little since the beginning, however, there are so many gaps where I don't see him for several weeks because we don't have the time.

 

We broke up once(for three weeks) because she wasn't sure if I was right for her and her family. She's made it clear that she wants a man that will fit in naturally to her life. She spends 80% of her life with that child and I'm usually not involved, as a result, she feels as though I may not be right for her life. She's stated that she doesn't want to have to "force" all 3 of us to be together. I think most of the issues with my involvement have to do with lack of availability. I've also told her I was willing to do whatever it takes to make it work, however, there hasn't been substantial changes in my involvement with him. We made a goal earlier in the year to save up enough money to get an apartment together. I told her that if we lived together (which is also what she wants) that she would feel more like a family. I also told her that she might feel this way because I'm not in her daily life. I've made some progress in saving money, but not as much as I'd hoped. She has not been able to save any money at all. In fact, she just recently invested in a more reliable car and needed a small loan from me to get by. I offered my help, as I don't want her suffering and I understand how difficult it is to live paycheck to paycheck, but now, she is doubting if we will ever get to the point where we will live together. I try to motivate her and be very optimistic but I'm not sure how I can help her save, as I'm currently trying to save myself.

 

Today, she has told me that we need to talk on Friday about whether or not she wants to continue this relationship. She voiced that she needs to prioritize her child and is uncertain of what type of future that we have as a family. I love her with all of my heart and I am willing to make compromises to do so. I suggested that we pick a day that all 3 of us can spend quality time together every week. I also suggested that she bring him overnight once a week, but, because of her hectic scheduling she is always exhausted by 8 and that would be an inconvenience(as she would have to get up at 6am and leave anyway). She wants someone who can be part of the family and I think she would prefer someone who is more financially capable of supporting so she would be relieved of many financial stresses that she faces and I don't have that capability at this moment, although I am working on it. I need some unbiased perspectives on this situation because I strongly think that we can work this out and she is having doubts that are mainly financial-based. She claims that if we lived together she would be happy. I'm not sure if she is willing to wait an unknown amount of time for this to happen? Any advice/help would be appreciated.

Edited October 31, 2013 by MixedMinh

[FitChick]

You are learning a very important lesson. When you have kids, your wife/girlfriend has less time for you and you have less money than if you were childfree. It's not like having a puppy.

 

Be grateful she will break up with you and make sure you use birth control with any woman until you marry. Otherwise you will never have enough money.

 

The reality is why so many couples are divorced. It's life and not a TV show.

[todreaminblue]

I am single mum, i have five children but the last three are teens now...if iwas goign to meet someone to be part of my family and my life, I would do what is necessary to make it happen, it would be a fairly easy transition on the guy because i would be greasing the wheels.......i can make most guys feel comfortable and at home...thats why i have trouble getting people to leave...they come then they stay.............they dont want to leave......friends have commented on this phenomenon..one is because i dont pressure for anything....putting pressure on a fledgling family is not a good idea...when there are doubts you dont move in together...please don't do it..for the child's sake....be sure and stable before not after ...that's a myth that stability comes after.......you do need to spend more time together than what you are to make it work and to know for sure its right for all...i wish you well.....deb

[MixedMinh]

Appreciate all of the responses. I would love as much feedback as possible. Thank you so much for reading.

[Kate9292]

Here's what you should do:

 

1) Be grateful this girl is breaking it off with you.

2) Set some goals in life and make some money.

3) Get to a point where you are able to date higher quality women (ie: women without children).

 

You say you want to be a personal trainer (meaning that you are probably in very good shape). You could do better than that bro.

 

That's extremely offensive to imply that woman with children must be inherently lower quality. If anything a good, caring mother would be a great quality woman. I don't even have children (and not planning anytime soon) and find this offensive...

 

To OP, you learn that she needs to prioritize her child and this might mean stop seeing you. You realize you will never be a top priority to a woman with a kid.

 

And to above comment not by OP, this is pretty understandable that some guys can't handle not being a top priority to their women so they don't date women with kids. That's fine, but do not try to put a spin as if such women were automatically lower quality...

[MixedMinh]

Thanks for your response. I agree that her son will always be her priority. Does that mean a woman can use their child as an excuse to end a relationship as they please? She is 25 and I am 28. She lives at home with Mom. I live on my own and support myself. I am more financially capable than she is and I have supported her throughout the year (helped fixed her car, provided small loans). I've also shown that I'm capable of being in the child's life, just maybe not up to her satisfaction (but because of limiting factors). It's possible that she just wants something to change but doesn't know how.

[heartshaped]

From the sounds of it, she's looking for someone more financially stable that she could move in with and that would help her support herself and her son. It also sounds as if she's looking for someone to be more involved in her son's life.

 

Overall, I just don't think you're in that point of life right now. If she chooses to end things with you over it, there's really not much you can do. You cannot afford to support her (not saying you should) and you do not have the time to participate more actively in her son's life.

 

If she is unwilling to stick things out with you, I think it's for the best the two of you do split if the above is more important than being in a relationship with you.

[ponchsox]

OP, I went through the same thing you did recently. I dated a single mom for 1.5 years. She lived an hour from me which made it a little tougher. She has a 6 year old son with a loser ex husband. He got in trouble with the law which basically killed any free time together. I broke up with her 8 months into it and we reconciled. At the time I didn't see how they fit into my life but I liked her a lot so I stuck with it. This time, she ended it after she became worried about her son doing poorly in school. I fell hard for her. I respect her decision as a parent, but it sucks when someone gets hurt because of it. She did tell me if she can't make it with me, she can't make it with anyone because I was so accommodating. It takes a special person to date a single mom with a young child. I invested so much into the relationship that I couldn't do it again.

[MixedMinh]

Lots of great feedback. We just had a discussion today about things. It seems as though her concerns have been similar throughout the entire relationship. She is worried that things will not change in the relationship. By "things" she means

 

1) I need to be routinely involved in her sons life

 

2) We (I) need to be more productive with my hours and prove that we can have a life together in the near future.

 

Reasonable expectations?

 

There's no doubt I need to start busting my ass and getting somewhere in life. I work 30 hours a week and I could be working 60 hours a week. My only concerns are that she is not going to progress very much when/if I find success. How far are most people willing to go for love?

 

Regardless of the outcome in our relationship, the past 6 years of my life have been fairly unproductive and that needs to change otherwise I will be in my 30's living off of foodstamps. I think I need to start working harder for myself, not for her. I have no guidance in my life. My family consists of distant aunts and uncles.

 

She refuses to admit that money holds any impact on our relationship, which I think is ignorant. If I was rich, she'd have the house and financial security I think she's looking for and everything would be honkey dorey. The question is, when I get to where I want to be, should I compromise for her? I guess that depends on how much I love her/or how foolish I am.

 

It seems to me as if dating single mothers require compromise on the man's behalf, but what compromises do the single mothers make for us? I'm sorry if this is an ignorant question. I'm just looking for some perspectives.

[ponchsox]

Lots of great feedback. We just had a discussion today about things. It seems as though her concerns have been similar throughout the entire relationship. She is worried that things will not change in the relationship. By "things" she means

 

1) I need to be routinely involved in her sons life

 

2) We (I) need to be more productive with my hours and prove that we can have a life together in the near future.

 

Reasonable expectations?

 

There's no doubt I need to start busting my ass and getting somewhere in life. I work 30 hours a week and I could be working 60 hours a week. My only concerns are that she is not going to progress very much when/if I find success. How far are most people willing to go for love?

 

Regardless of the outcome in our relationship, the past 6 years of my life have been fairly unproductive and that needs to change otherwise I will be in my 30's living off of foodstamps. I think I need to start working harder for myself, not for her. I have no guidance in my life. My family consists of distant aunts and uncles.

 

She refuses to admit that money holds any impact on our relationship, which I think is ignorant. If I was rich, she'd have the house and financial security I think she's looking for and everything would be honkey dorey. The question is, when I get to where I want to be, should I compromise for her? I guess that depends on how much I love her/or how foolish I am.

 

It seems to me as if dating single mothers require compromise on the man's behalf, but what compromises do the single mothers make for us? I'm sorry if this is an ignorant question. I'm just looking for some perspectives.

 

The compromise is you will always be #2 in her life and she is seeing how you will handle it. If that's what you want, you will have to learn to accept it.

[heartshaped]

I do think you should be working harder for yourself, but realistically, I think you working more will only have a negative effect on your relationship. A good chunk of the reason she is unhappy now is because you don't spend much time with her son. Working more means less time available for her and for him...even with the financial benefits, I don't think she will like that. I don't think there's really anything you can do to please her in this situation (not saying that you should).

[runningfar]

The idea of a man trying to be a father to another mans kid is repugnant.

 

Do yourself a favor and get out of that relationship, please. You're wasting your time. Single moms are damaged goods.

 

If anything is repugnant, it's the attitudes expressed in this post.

 

Eeew. I have no children and if anyone expressed this type of view, I'd be out the door so quickly. Eeew eew eew

[vanhalenfan]

Here's what you should do:

 

1) Be grateful this girl is breaking it off with you.

2) Set some goals in life and make some money.

3) Get to a point where you are able to date higher quality women (ie: women without children).

 

You say you want to be a personal trainer (meaning that you are probably in very good shape). You could do better than that bro.

 

I'm sorry, I took some offense to the "higher quality women" comment. I am a newly single mom who came from a terrible marriage. I certainly do not think of myself as low-quality woman. I have a college degree, raising 6-year old twins (and have done so mostly alone thorughout the so-called marriage), and consider myself intelligent with a good head on my shoulders. Leaving that marriage was the most courageous feat I've done in probably my entire life. I am typically a humble individual, but I had to jump in and rebuttle that statement. It was more than just a little offensive.

[vanhalenfan]

If anything is repugnant, it's the attitudes expressed in this post.

 

Eeew. I have no children and if anyone expressed this type of view, I'd be out the door so quickly. Eeew eew eew

 

Agreed....