My boyfriend won't get a divorce

[LivingDeadGrl]

When I met my boyfriend 3 years ago I knew he was married but had already left his wife. I guess in my mind he was done with the relationship. My mistake.

Over the last 3 years he has continually talked to his ex on a regular basis. He pays for her car and her car insurance. We have broken up several times because he has tried to go back to her out of guilt (she is on the poverty line since he left her) and his religious beliefs.

 

He is afraid he will go to hell if he gets a divorce. I think that is a load of crap because if that was the case he is committing adultry with me every day, and isn't that worse?

I have taken him back every time because he "realizes" he can't be with her because it's "not there" between them anymore. He makes promises to get a divorce.

 

I have caught him several times telling her he loves her. He says it's "not that kind" of love and has no sexual attraction for her at all and that he says it to make her feel good. He thinks I am over reacting because I think it's inappropriate. Am I?

She now has a baby with another man and the father wants nothing to do with her or the baby. She gave the baby my boyfriends last name. It is still her last name but she goes by her maiden name on Facebook, I don't get it?

 

His excuses for not getting a divorce have been:

Wait until she has the baby, im not putting her through that while shes pregnant

Wait until she is settled in with the baby

Wait until she gets back from her parents (they live far away, she stayed there for 3 months)

 

Now it is that he can't be worrying about stupid crap like a divorce when he has to work on his credit issues and he can't afford one. He says he will get a divorce in due time. They have no children together and owned nothing together. It would be an easy divorce and not expensive.

 

I love him very much and I know I am stupid for continuing to beleive him when he tells me he will divorce her. If he loves me and wants to grow old with me, why is he staying married to her? Why would he want to? I think he is afraid of losing her. He is not afraid of losing me... I have a daughter from a previous relationship who is very attached to him. I am getting older and I feel like he gives me no security in the relationship and doesn't seem to care that maybe I might want to get married some day.

 

One of the reasons I haven't left yet is because I am worried financially. It will be very hard for me to survive. I am so lost and I don't know what to do. Do I keep waiting? He says he will do it but it doesn't seem he will anytime soon. I have always reconciled with him so I think he doesn't change it because he knows I will do nothing about it and keep living with it. It breaks my heart he has no regard for my feelings and our relationship.

 

I need advice.

And for the record she lives 6000km away, so he doesn't see her regularly.

Edited July 20, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Janesays]

Boy, this guy sounds like a real catch!

 

Just kidding. Throw him back. Why you're wasting time with this loser is beyond me.

[LivingDeadGrl]

you can only blame yourself. because its not something that you did not knew

that he is not single but married.

 

so he stills belongs to his wife, even if they dont even live or speak with each other.

for million years.

 

married is for life. and he can always go back to her thats why he still married.

 

i think you put your kid and your self in this bad situation and you will have to solve it yourself. by break up with this men and get someone that is really single.

before things get worse and you get pregnant of this married men.

 

i thnk like a lot of men he needs sex, love, attention so he got away from his wife when things where going bad, and took you so he can still get those things.

not because he found someone better.

he is not single so leave him alone.

get your own and build with it.

 

He can't have children, so I am not worried about that. When someone leaves their partner and start dating and living with you a few months later, you don't expect it to be this way. I am financially bound to him and yes that's my mistake, I take full responsibility for that.

 

Boy, this guy sounds like a real catch!

 

Just kidding. Throw him back. Why you're wasting time with this loser is beyond me.

 

That's what my sister says too :/

[Philosoraptor]

You surely can't trust him and you've made that very clear. You're also right that he doesn't value you, and his actions show that he values her feelings much more than yours.

 

Financial stability is no reason to stay with someone you are unhappy with. You're both making excuses in order to keep this relationship alive. Time to pull the cover off and see it for what it is.

[KatZee]

As much as you want to call this guy your "boyfriend" he's not. You're just the "other woman" the "mistress." He won't get a divorce because he doesn't want to get a divorce, and I'm really not quite sure why you've wasted 3 years of your life waiting around on this. You should have walked 2 years and 9 months ago.

 

There will ALWAYS be a reason as to why he can't divorce her. If it's not one thing, it'll be something else. Or it'll be the timing. Or someone in his family will be sick.

 

Things with his wife may not be great right now, but in the back of his mind he sees himself with her, and not you.

 

It sucks because you've probably invested a lot of yourself, but that's kind of on you. Why would you continue being emotional and physical with a guy who's supporting his wife, telling her he loves her, etc etc etc.

 

If he wanted a divorce, he'd get one. End of story. Walk away.

[Arabella]

I don't see what the big deal is with him still being married. You knew this from the get go, and you still got with him. Why are you making a big fuss now?

 

Sure, he should probably stop promising something he doesn't plan on doing... but the reality is, if he has more pressing financial concerns, he probably just doesn't want to spend money on that. It's not "cheap" by ANY means, no matter how simple it may seem to you.

 

Until very recently, I was still married to my ex of FOUR years. He's moved on, and so have I. We never intended on getting back together. His girlfriend would harass him about it all the time, until he basically told her it was none of her business. All the while, my boyfriend never even mentioned it... he left it up to me. It got done on our timeline, two years later -- not on hers.

 

Even though it was all perfectly friendly and we had no children/property to divide (we'd settled everything ahead of time), we still spent $1500 processing our divorce.

 

Either break up, or accept the situation. It's not your place to harass him about this when it's something you were perfectly aware of in the beginning.

 

Furthermore... If he doesn't feel the urge to divorce his ex-wife, he probably also does not feel the urge to marry YOU. Take that into consideration when you make your decision.

[LivingDeadGrl]

Thanks everyone. Everything you've said is true. I think I am just afraid of going through the hurt of it all.

 

 

I don't see what the big deal is with him still being married. You knew this from the get go, and you still got with him. Why are you making a big fuss now?

 

Sure, he should probably stop promising something he doesn't plan on doing... but the reality is, if he has more pressing financial concerns, he probably just doesn't want to spend money on that. It's not "cheap" by ANY means, no matter how simple it may seem to you.

 

Until very recently, I was still married to my ex of FOUR years. He's moved on, and so have I. We never intended on getting back together. His girlfriend would harass him about it all the time, until he basically told her it was none of her business. All the while, my boyfriend never even mentioned it... he left it up to me. It got done on our timeline, two years later -- not on hers.

 

Even though it was all perfectly friendly and we had no children/property to divide (we'd settled everything ahead of time), we still spent $1500 processing our divorce.

 

Either break up, or accept the situation. It's not your place to harass him about this when it's something you were perfectly aware of in the beginning.

 

Furthermore... If he doesn't feel the urge to divorce his ex-wife, he probably also does not feel the urge to marry YOU. Take that into consideration when you make your decision.

 

When someone promises you they'll get a divorce, you expect them to. An uncontested do it yourself divorce here costs $200. That is not expensive, and yes it is my business. If he didn't talk to her on a regular basis then I would have no issue with the divorce. I would allow him to take his time, but because he still communicates regularly with her and has tried to go back a couple times, I need proof that it is truly over between them.

[Drseussgrrl]

*sigh* Why do women do this to themselves.

[Arabella]

When someone promises you they'll get a divorce, you expect them to. An uncontested do it yourself divorce here costs $200. That is not expensive, and yes it is my business. If he didn't talk to her on a regular basis then I would have no issue with the divorce. I would allow him to take his time, but because he still communicates regularly with her and has tried to go back a couple times, I need proof that it is truly over between them.

 

I hate to tell you, but that promise doesn't mean anything if he made it because you wouldn't stop harassing him!

 

A do-it-yourself divorce may cost $200... but in the process there may also be alimony or other financial concerns that you may know nothing about, like joint debt. Plus, he's probably also just lazy and can't be bothered.

 

Considering that you accepted being the "other woman" when you got with him... no, you really don't have any ground to stand on now. You knew he was married, still financially assisting his ex, AND in contact with her. YOU put yourself in this situation and accepted it.

 

I do agree with the other posters. He just doesn't care that much about you, or he'd be getting it done. When I decided I was one day going to marry my new man, I put fire on my ex' butt to process the divorce and had the whole thing settled within a couple months. Got engaged two months later.

 

Bottom line? For your sake, you really should leave.

[LivingDeadGrl]

I hate to tell you, but that promise doesn't mean anything if he made it because you wouldn't stop harassing him!

 

A do-it-yourself divorce may cost $200... but in the process there may also be alimony or other financial concerns that you may know nothing about, like joint debt. Plus, he's probably also just lazy and can't be bothered.

 

Considering that you accepted being the "other woman" when you got with him... no, you really don't have any ground to stand on now. You knew he was married, still financially assisting his ex, AND in contact with her. YOU put yourself in this situation and accepted it.

 

I do agree with the other posters. He just doesn't care that much about you, or he'd be getting it done. When I decided I was one day going to marry my new man, I put fire on my ex' butt to process the divorce and had the whole thing settled within a couple months. Got engaged two months later.

 

Bottom line? For your sake, you really should leave.

 

Not that it even matters at this point, but he wasn't communicating with her when we first got together. It wasn't until a year into our relationship that he started to and started paying for her car because she lost her job. By then I was already in love with him...I know I am an idiot. I think I will just tell him that we need to take a break until he figures out what he's doing. I think time apart will really help me to let go. I know I deserve better I am just having a hard time letting go of "what could be".

Thanks for the advice.

[Arabella]

NI think I will just tell him that we need to take a break until he figures out what he's doing. I think time apart will really help me to let go. I know I deserve better I am just having a hard time letting go of "what could be".

 

That's the best thing you can do. His reaction will be the true test of your relationship. He may suddenly realize he's about to lose you and actually gets his divorce moving, and you will know you are a priority to him. If he does this, however, do NOT agree to move back in until it's finalized.

[KatZee]

When someone promises you they'll get a divorce, you expect them to.

 

What exactly is a promise? Just pretty words. He shouldn't have to promise to get a divorce of only $200. He should just do it. Never have expectations of people because it only leaves you disappointed. Just watch actions. And his actions say "no divorce."

[pcplod]

he still communicates regularly with her

and has tried to go back a couple times

I need proof that it is truly over between them.

It's not really about the divorce or any divorce is it? It's about the lack of preparedness to detach, especially when he supposedly has nothing in common with her any more, for example, children.

 

So, even if he got a divorce from her tomorrow he would still be attached. That is your real problem. And his too, even if he wont accept it for what it is.

From your perspective he want to have his cake and eat it. From his, he simply can't and won't let go. As it stands you are basically incompatible on this one very issue no matter whether you are compatible in respect of everything else.

 

This happens and it is what it is. The question for you in coming to terms with accepting it, what do you need to do? You probably know but just don't like it.

 

I would add that maybe if he can't act decisively, he is not the sort of person to be engaging with. I am speculating, but it sounds as if he will not be particularly dependable.

Edited July 19, 2013 by pcplod

[FitChick]

Never get involved with anyone who has been divorced for less than two years.