desperategirl Posted July 3, 2013 Share Posted July 3, 2013 Hey, Just looking to see how others feel about this. I'm divorced, and I've been OLD for the past few months, plus I met a guy in real life. None of these guys have progressed beyond the fourth date. It seems like men find me somewhat physically attractive, but once they get to know me a bit better, they don't like me. Obviously the heading of my thread probably makes it seem like I'm coming across really desperate, and it's scaring them off, but I do stuff like wait for texts, wait for the guy to make a move asking me out first etc. It's weird, I've had two situations recently where a guy has gone from seeming really into me to suddenly backing off: I'm assuming these guys are maybe circular dating, and found someone they liked better. But anyone, does anyone else really get scared at the thought of being alone forever? I hate being single, and would really like to meet someone who I want to get to know better, who likes me. Link to post Share on other sites
Noproblem Posted July 3, 2013 Share Posted July 3, 2013 You should be more interesting Expand your knowledge Learn about many stuff out of your comfort zone aka news, cars, sport History, politics and other serious matters and also the lame one tv shows and etc You should learn about the world around you and suddenly you won't be not interesting anymore ... Remember ...Scharazade ..Kept the king who had a habit of killing his wives for 3 total years until he fell in love with her on interesting stories ....You can do that too! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Ami1uwant Posted July 3, 2013 Share Posted July 3, 2013 Need some more background info on your situation.... How old are you? how long have you been married? When dating now never assume you are the only one they are dating. You playing hard to get or coy doesnt cut it. As you said you wait for them to lead and do everything. This approach actually can turn off quite a few men--especially if they look at women as equals and not a dominant/subservient relationship. As you said this seems to come out around date 3 or 4 which may mean there is something you open up about that scares them off...or they come to find out you arent who you say you were in your online profile. Did you not diclose to them you were divorced or had children? You seem to be getting past date 1 which is actually a good thing. Many times its one and done. also finding someone now is much more choosier so you may have gotten to date 3 but they found out you werent quite what they wanted for whatever reason...it wasnt necessarily saying you were a bad person...just something that didnt match what they wanted. One example---if you are in your 30s there is stilll talk by the guys of wanting families...you may have mentioned in your profile you had kids. You failed to mention you are done with having kids and you got your tubes tied...thus they pass over you because having children is critical to them. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
white Posted July 3, 2013 Share Posted July 3, 2013 Not that this topic doesn't get raised here daily, but. Yes it is a fear. It's been a fear for so long I've come to terms with it, like you do with any fear you're forced to face. I may well wind up alone all my life. It isn't fair or just but that's life. Some people go blind or lose all 4 limbs, if they can deal with that, I can deal with this. Once my parents are dead nobody will give a **** whether I live or die until the day I do. Everything I am and will go on to be will benefit nobody. I will be unable to relate to anyone around me on one of the most basic levels there is. What exactly is the question again? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author desperategirl Posted July 3, 2013 Author Share Posted July 3, 2013 You should be more interesting Expand your knowledge Learn about many stuff out of your comfort zone aka news, cars, sport History, politics and other serious matters and also the lame one tv shows and etc You should learn about the world around you and suddenly you won't be not interesting anymore ... Remember ...Scharazade ..Kept the king who had a habit of killing his wives for 3 total years until he fell in love with her on interesting stories ....You can do that too! This is really great advice - after being in a seven year relationship, I think it's easy to get lazy, and stop looking outwards. It's funny, even before I read this I was thinking about working on myself, expanding my horizons, reading more, current events etc. Thanks so much for the advice. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author desperategirl Posted July 3, 2013 Author Share Posted July 3, 2013 Need some more background info on your situation.... How old are you? how long have you been married? When dating now never assume you are the only one they are dating. You playing hard to get or coy doesnt cut it. As you said you wait for them to lead and do everything. This approach actually can turn off quite a few men--especially if they look at women as equals and not a dominant/subservient relationship. As you said this seems to come out around date 3 or 4 which may mean there is something you open up about that scares them off...or they come to find out you arent who you say you were in your online profile. Did you not diclose to them you were divorced or had children? You seem to be getting past date 1 which is actually a good thing. Many times its one and done. also finding someone now is much more choosier so you may have gotten to date 3 but they found out you werent quite what they wanted for whatever reason...it wasnt necessarily saying you were a bad person...just something that didnt match what they wanted. One example---if you are in your 30s there is stilll talk by the guys of wanting families...you may have mentioned in your profile you had kids. You failed to mention you are done with having kids and you got your tubes tied...thus they pass over you because having children is critical to them. Hi. Thanks for your answer. I am totally upfront in my profile about being divorced. Was only married a couple of years, no kids. Am 31. It's interesting that you think it's something 'scaring' them off. I think it must be something like this. I think it also might be that as the stakes get higher, I get more nervous or something, I'm not sure. I think when I get nervous I get boring, tense etc. Link to post Share on other sites
Author desperategirl Posted July 3, 2013 Author Share Posted July 3, 2013 Not that this topic doesn't get raised here daily, but. Yes it is a fear. It's been a fear for so long I've come to terms with it, like you do with any fear you're forced to face. I may well wind up alone all my life. It isn't fair or just but that's life. Some people go blind or lose all 4 limbs, if they can deal with that, I can deal with this. Once my parents are dead nobody will give a **** whether I live or die until the day I do. Everything I am and will go on to be will benefit nobody. I will be unable to relate to anyone around me on one of the most basic levels there is. What exactly is the question again? Thanks for replying to the thread. I'm sorry you're also finding it difficult to meet someone. I understand how you feel, I often feel the same, and I hope you meet the kind of person you're looking for. Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted July 3, 2013 Share Posted July 3, 2013 Desperategirl, I was married at 20 and divorced at 25. I had a handful of long-term relationships but also went through a VERY LONG bout of online dating (to the tune of corresponding with hundreds of guys and literally having more than 50 coffee/first dates). It can take time, but it is often after you have come out of that period of being desperate that it happens. Also, online dating is hard work. Don't stress too much. And the final consolation? I am finally getting remarried -- but it took me until my 49th year to find the perfect guy. But I never wanted children so I didn't worry about finding someone in my 30s. I waited for the perfect guy. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author desperategirl Posted July 3, 2013 Author Share Posted July 3, 2013 Desperategirl, I was married at 20 and divorced at 25. I had a handful of long-term relationships but also went through a VERY LONG bout of online dating (to the tune of corresponding with hundreds of guys and literally having more than 50 coffee/first dates). It can take time, but it is often after you have come out of that period of being desperate that it happens. Also, online dating is hard work. Don't stress too much. And the final consolation? I am finally getting remarried -- but it took me until my 49th year to find the perfect guy. But I never wanted children so I didn't worry about finding someone in my 30s. I waited for the perfect guy. Congratulations! I think there is the additional pressure because I do want children, and it's easy to stress about time! 5o first dates...that is just...well, like you say, OLD is hard work. I agree about the period of being desperate. I don't think you can force that though, I think you have to grow through it. Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted July 3, 2013 Share Posted July 3, 2013 the average life span is considered about seventy years....so if you turn that into days it is 25 567 days courtesy of google...... i got a shock when i read that, because it gives a perspective how short life really is.....i thought it would be at least 100 000 days...so now i have 70 000 less days to play in...... i am single too but i am not desperate i dont want to spend how many day is have left with anything less than someone who truly loves me.....if i were to go looking i could find someone sure, anyone can, i dont want to force anything.....especially a man.......if it is meant to happen it will....and if it doesnt...i will have lived a full life.......might not have had someone truly love who i am other than my family and friends.....but to me.....that is more than enough love to send me off with a smile..anything else....is just bonus love.......deb.... Link to post Share on other sites
SJC2008 Posted July 3, 2013 Share Posted July 3, 2013 You may be codependant. There's nothing wrong with wanting a partner and there's nothing wrong with worrying about meeting a quality person to settle down with BUT it shouldn't be something you're "terrifed" about. I've made it to 31 alone am I'm still kicking. Sure it bothers me and I would like to meet a good woman but I'm not going to couple up with any Jane Doe just not to be alone. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BradJacobs Posted July 3, 2013 Share Posted July 3, 2013 But anyone, does anyone else really get scared at the thought of being alone forever? I hate being single, and would really like to meet someone who I want to get to know better, who likes me. I am more terrified that I'm not on the right path. Chances are that I'm not but I will be buggered to know what is the right one. I've made the best choices that I could at the time. I think that's all anyone can ask of another person. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BluEyeL Posted July 4, 2013 Share Posted July 4, 2013 First, it's not so bad that you last up to date 4!! That's something. I'm not sure what happens, since there are not enough details, but I want to say that you really have to get ok with the idea of being alone forever, love yourself truly, have a full life, and you won't give off a needy/desperate vibe. What guys are most afraid of is what they call "crazy women", which actually means emotional women. If you let go of the "need" to fill a position, you can have higher chances of meeting someone who you really want to be with. Link to post Share on other sites
Archgirl Posted July 4, 2013 Share Posted July 4, 2013 Oh! This happened early on to me too! I worked out that I was being too unattainable. What are you doing to let them know you find them attractive, to make them feel special and desired? That you enjoy their company. It's funny isn't, finding the balance between needy and available. Does this make sense? xo 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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