He doesn't want a relationship..but doesn't like me seeing other people?

[amolya]

So I've been seeing this guy for a month or so. I guess we are friends with benefits...we hang out, have sex etc.

 

Anyway the other day i accidentally left my facebook on at his. The next time I was there he joked that he found some dodgy stuff on it, and when pressed for more said the only thing he found was that I'd sent a sexy pic to this german guy I know (I had taken the pic for guy I'm seeing, but my friends found it and gave me a hitler moustache and made it my fb profile pic A couple days later the german friend talked to me about the pic, and since we;ve flirted in the past, I sent him the full sexy pic)

 

Anyway that was that, but today we got into a long text conversation, where guy I'm seeing basically said that he wants "good meaningful" sex with me, but he can't get that from me because finding out about me flirting with other guys was a real turn-off for him, and he feels disconnected from me and stuff.

 

I explained that it was a meaningless drunken conversation. (tho I lied, I wasn't drunk), and that I thought he couldn't give me a relatinship, so I was keeping my options open to stop myself falling for him. But nope, he even admitted he doesn't want a monogamous relationship right now (he was in one for 4 years recently), but is still upset.

 

So I'm trying to figure this out.. He succeeded in making me feel really ****ty for sending the pic (especially as I got nothing out of it, I don't even know why I did it), but can;t give me a straight answer. He doesn't want a relationship, and he says I'm free to do what I like but he'd prefer to know about it. But knowing makes him distrust me and feel 'disconnected'. He hasn't seen any other girls since we met.

I would totally stop seeing other guys for him, because I do really like him, but I'm just really confused about the situation. Can anyone offer any advice? I'm seeing him later today to talk in person...

[Pyro]

He has no right to have a say about what you do if he isn't willing to commit to you.

[Janesays]

Tell him to put up or shut up.

[jolie_baby]

ask yourself the simple questions:

 

- why isn't he committing to you? (and no, the answer is not because he was in a committed relationship for 4 years before)

 

- why does he want to trust you, feel a connection with you, know about you flirting with other guys and above all, have you committed to not flirting with other guys, all while he isn't interested in a monogamous relationship with you?

 

To me it sounds like he wants your commitment while not putting anything to the relationship himself...

 

you need to protect yourself from getting hurt...

[coachcomeback]

Yeah the best thing you can do it talk to him in person. It is good the you are still early in the relationship... because NOW is the time to start establishing your expectations.

 

Let them be known. Because if you dont say what you truly want out of the relationship, you will just end up hurt and confused later when you is not fulfilling your needs.

 

But if you make it clear from the beginning, he has a choice to either respect that, or maybe move on. Better to know now than to just keep quiet and "hope" he changes later by himself... which, sadly, is what most people do.

 

If it's right, the talk will go good.

 

Good luck

[Revolver]

He doesn't want to share you with another guy. What's probably going to happen is he will keep getting sex no strings attached from you until he finds the girl he really wants to commit to and drop you like a fly.

 

Men don't keep women as FWB they really care about, they make them their girlfriends

[Pillow]

Wow, the nerve of him trying to control you. He doesn't want you to flirt with other men but you are in a fwb situation? Girl, boo.

[MidwestUSA]

If the shoe fits, you must commit! Or as others have said, he has no right to tell you what you can or can't do. Good luck!

[amolya]

thanks for the replies thus far...

 

Can I give some more info and how I've interpreted it,?

I think he basically told me that he would want to be with me IF I had made the first move and stopped seeing other guys. Which I interpet as...he wanted to be with me but was too shy to say for whatever reason. So when he realized I was seeing other guys, it turned him off and made him mistrust me so he doesn't want to be with me anymore. Am I interpreting this correctly?

 

 

at the beginning of the conversation that started this, i asked if he only ever saw me to have sex, and he said " believe it or not I;d rather see you than F*** you" , and then said his D just wants sex but his mind wants "good sex that makes him want to be a better person" (his words). He said he didn't think I could give that to him. I started telling him he wasn't very good at connecting with me (eg tellin me he was in love with his ex earlier, being cryptic/not always open about everything etc), and then he told he me thought I had the potential to open him up but he wasnt sure now. This is when he brought up finding the sexy pic. I told him I felt silly for that, but that he should understand that when he distances himself from me and confuses me, I do what I did before I met him ; flirt with and date guys.. And he went on to say "that's probably the reason we can't have good sex", and I told him if I thought we could have a great connection and have that "good" sex he was talking about, I' wouldnt see other guys, but I didn't think that because I assumed he didnt want a relationship, and he agreed and turned it on me, asking "is it then my reponsibility to engender a better connection for you to 'stop keeping your options open?". I~ told him no bt it was his responsible to be open and honest about his feelings to me..

 

And that is when he said "no sorry, I already dont really trust you, nor do i want a monogamous relationship right now"

 

And then it went in circles, him going on about how me sending the pic turned him off, and that he doesn't want to stop me seeing other guys but its a turnoff, he;d rather know what I do, and that he's not in love with his ex anymore.

 

Does this make some sense to you guys? What does he want?

[happydate]

So I've been seeing this guy for a month or so. I guess we are friends with benefits...we hang out, have sex etc.

 

Anyway the other day i accidentally left my facebook on at his. The next time I was there he joked that he found some dodgy stuff on it, and when pressed for more said the only thing he found was that I'd sent a sexy pic to this german guy I know (I had taken the pic for guy I'm seeing, but my friends found it and gave me a hitler moustache and made it my fb profile pic A couple days later the german friend talked to me about the pic, and since we;ve flirted in the past, I sent him the full sexy pic)

 

Anyway that was that, but today we got into a long text conversation, where guy I'm seeing basically said that he wants "good meaningful" sex with me, but he can't get that from me because finding out about me flirting with other guys was a real turn-off for him, and he feels disconnected from me and stuff.

 

I explained that it was a meaningless drunken conversation. (tho I lied, I wasn't drunk), and that I thought he couldn't give me a relatinship, so I was keeping my options open to stop myself falling for him. But nope, he even admitted he doesn't want a monogamous relationship right now (he was in one for 4 years recently), but is still upset.

 

So I'm trying to figure this out.. He succeeded in making me feel really ****ty for sending the pic (especially as I got nothing out of it, I don't even know why I did it), but can;t give me a straight answer. He doesn't want a relationship, and he says I'm free to do what I like but he'd prefer to know about it. But knowing makes him distrust me and feel 'disconnected'. He hasn't seen any other girls since we met.

I would totally stop seeing other guys for him, because I do really like him, but I'm just really confused about the situation. Can anyone offer any advice? I'm seeing him later today to talk in person...

 

He's insecure and he is a "player" using the known, in the PUA circles, as the "ISOLATION" and "Punish & Reward" systems.

 

First of all, a Friend With Benefits IS NOT a relationship. It's an agreement between you and him to have sex and be friends at the same time. There's no cheating, cause there's no relationship so there is NO monogamous relationship at all. Monogamous that he should only sleep with you, so then why is he isolating you against your other friends and yet, you have no rights and guarantees that he will do the same for you with other girls. Remember, he already thinks he can sleep with other women because you are only his FWB.

 

"Good meaning sex" is an isolation technique to make you feel guilty that you are not loyal to him and that he is trying to make you feel you OWE him. In a relationship, it is about "sharing" love. No one owes anything to each other, so if someone is making you feel guilty just because you aren't providing enough sex for him, he is using you to satisfy his needs. Which is probably why you're here, because your good heart is telling you something wrong with this man.

 

Also with the isolation technique, he will make you feel guilty if you don't perform certain sex acts that you don't feel comfortable with. He will try to achieve a beach head by demanding these sexual favours early on from you in a FWB relationship, because he knows that he does not ask for these within the first 2 to 4 months, he won't get it because you will rebel. Your most venerable moment is right now, which is why you're here.

 

The "punish and reward" system is to try to make you feel guilty enough through mental punishment that the only way you will make him feel better is, guess what, through sex. He will start leveraging this more on you as time goes by on his terms and on his turf.

 

The only way to call on his bluff and realize who he is is to bring him out of his turf, out of his terms and expose him, which is a standard law enforcement technique for abused teenagers from guys like him who use these techniques.

 

You do not have to give him SEX to love him. SEX is not love. He's just selling you this for make believe and for his own empty heart, so he will use you just for sex to fill that void. Once you're outlived your usefulness, he will go to the next victim, and then the next.

 

And yes, as a man and a young lad before, I did this because my heart was lonely, insecure, angry and sad so I understand how he functions and through his manipulations. He needs therapy, professional therapy and not you as his sexual therapy tool.

 

Again, you have every right to do what you want as an individual and NO OTHER individuals have the right to restrict and control what you want to do. You have freewill and this right to be free.

 

Take good care of yourself..

[amolya]

I appreciate the reply happydatem but with all due respect I think youve got the siuation a little off. Come to think of it, I was the first and oly person to mention "friends with benefits", he never labelled this. But I guess I considered it somewhere along the FWB lines, because he had emotional baggage and I thought it was best not to be in a relationship. But as time went on I liked him more and more but held back as I knew it wasn't what he wanted. But i was happy, seeing other people etc. But now, it turns out he might have liked me too, but feels rejected by me seeing other guys... You guys have said this is wrong of him, which I tend to agree with,

 

At least this is what I'm thinking right now...my above post explains the conversation in a little more detail

[MidwestUSA]

With all due respect, what happy date said makes a lot of sense. You've got yourself a player who wants to lay a guilt trip on you about sex. Just MHO.

[jolie_baby]

thanks for the replies thus far...

 

Can I give some more info and how I've interpreted it,?

I think he basically told me that he would want to be with me IF I had made the first move and stopped seeing other guys. Which I interpet as...he wanted to be with me but was too shy to say for whatever reason. So when he realized I was seeing other guys, it turned him off and made him mistrust me so he doesn't want to be with me anymore. Am I interpreting this correctly?

 

 

at the beginning of the conversation that started this, i asked if he only ever saw me to have sex, and he said " believe it or not I;d rather see you than F*** you" , and then said his D just wants sex but his mind wants "good sex that makes him want to be a better person" (his words). He said he didn't think I could give that to him. I started telling him he wasn't very good at connecting with me (eg tellin me he was in love with his ex earlier, being cryptic/not always open about everything etc), and then he told he me thought I had the potential to open him up but he wasnt sure now. This is when he brought up finding the sexy pic. I told him I felt silly for that, but that he should understand that when he distances himself from me and confuses me, I do what I did before I met him ; flirt with and date guys.. And he went on to say "that's probably the reason we can't have good sex", and I told him if I thought we could have a great connection and have that "good" sex he was talking about, I' wouldnt see other guys, but I didn't think that because I assumed he didnt want a relationship, and he agreed and turned it on me, asking "is it then my reponsibility to engender a better connection for you to 'stop keeping your options open?". I~ told him no bt it was his responsible to be open and honest about his feelings to me..

 

And that is when he said "no sorry, I already dont really trust you, nor do i want a monogamous relationship right now"

 

And then it went in circles, him going on about how me sending the pic turned him off, and that he doesn't want to stop me seeing other guys but its a turnoff, he;d rather know what I do, and that he's not in love with his ex anymore.

 

Does this make some sense to you guys? What does he want?

 

He bluntly says he wants good sex, and doesn't want a relationship. What else do you need to know? Sorry about this situation...

 

From the above conversation, I honestly see him focusing on one thing: "good sex". And honestly (again), this is not what guys interested in a relationship/ commitment would focus on... you can string this along but it wouldn't be a happy ending I fear...

 

I will tell you something... try stopping the sex and see if he would stick around... he may then try to provoke again the "guilt" feeling making you feel bad and talking you back in but he wont commit... because in the end, and he made it clear, good sex is all he is after... and you may be missing chances of meeting a real partner who wishes to be with you...

[happydate]

I appreciate the reply happydatem but with all due respect I think youve got the siuation a little off. Come to think of it, I was the first and oly person to mention "friends with benefits", he never labelled this. But I guess I considered it somewhere along the FWB lines, because he had emotional baggage and I thought it was best not to be in a relationship. But as time went on I liked him more and more but held back as I knew it wasn't what he wanted. But i was happy, seeing other people etc. But now, it turns out he might have liked me too, but feels rejected by me seeing other guys... You guys have said this is wrong of him, which I tend to agree with,

 

At least this is what I'm thinking right now...my above post explains the conversation in a little more detail

 

It's not off. Once you guys had sex, the chemical bonding called Oxytocin kicks in. The feelings you have for him is that drugged state.

 

So it really depends on who has deeper attached feelings than the other. The woman will have more oneitis than a man does, so a woman with feelings will feel harder to detach from a man than a man does a woman, when the man who goes into a relationship treats it only as sex.

 

That's why, men who have sex with hookers even for a week or a month or more than that in Thailand or the Philippines do not develop any feelings towards those women. However, those women who sold their bodies will develop feelings for them.

 

This is just a chemical bonding effect, which is why usually FWB will result in a wanting of a relationship. The person who is less interested in forming a relationship is him, not you, so he has power in terms of negotiating what he wants. Most women who go into these things usually end up getting burned, because the man usually do not need to do anything. He already gets sex.

 

We players know this, but some of us aren't willing to tell the secrets, because we know women like you are abundant and eventually will fall for us. It is the way nature intends you to perform. Fall for us, loyal to us so you can bear our children for us. Except that, he probably does not want anything to do with it.

 

If you want to prove me wrong, cut off the sex with him and see how he reacts, because real love does not always revolve around sex.

I know you think he has emotional baggage. But then, we all do but isn't he being selfish by not working on his problems himself and then use you as a drug for his own addiction.

 

I call it for what I see it as I had been there manipulating girls like yourself to do what I wanted to fulfill my addiction. The things you said; well I expected it myself and I was aweful good then. Made me feel ashamed thinking about it now.

 

Again, take very good care of yourself and if he truly loves you -- great and I'm happy for you.

 

Cheers..

[FitChick]

Sounds like he is being territorial. He doesn't want any other dogs sniffing around and pissing on his turf while he still sniffs around for other bitches. Dump him or, if you still want sex, make it on your terms: he can continue f*cking you but you can continue keeping your options open hoping to eventually meet a man who wants a girlfriend and not a sex toy. That is when you will dump him.

 

I wonder how difficult it would be for him to replace you. If it's difficult, he will make some concessions.

[Imajerk17]

Well, you BOTH seem to have serious issues to be honest.

 

If you are so into the guy you are seeing, then I don't know why you sent the other guy in Germany intimate pictures of yourself. That was a huge mistake on your part really. If I were the guy you are seeing face-to-face I would be wary of entering into an exclusive relationship with you too. If I were the guy I'd always be wondering what this other guy is doing with the intimate picture my would-be girlfriend just sent him.

 

Then again there were already big problems to begin with, with the guy you've been seeing. Indeed, he doesn't treat you well and has emotional baggage. And yet, every time he mistreats you or puts you down, it seems to bond you to him more and more. It's like you keep trying to prove to him that you are worthy. It's sad on your part actually.

 

The signs were all there from the beginning and yet you ignored them. You made some really bad choices here, from getting involved with your current guy in the first place to sending sexy pictures to someone else. I hope you spend some time trying to unwind them. Meanwhile I just don't see this ending well for you.

Edited May 24, 2013 by Imajerk17

[sweetheart5381]

This dude is playing you and he is "the house" right now.

 

He doesn't want a real, loving, caring relationship and doesn't want to commit to you, but wants YOU to commit.

 

He can go bang or attempt to bang whoever he wants, whenever he wants (and yes, he will pretend like he isn't BUT HE IS...trust me) and leave you feeling guilty for even looking at another man.

 

Well ain't that the cat's ass!!! I would personally love to have a Mercedes in the driveway and a demo car on the side to drag race with too!

 

It's a grand game, and the loser is....your choice.

[Imajerk17]

What I don't like is how people seem to be painting amolya to be this victim. She's NOT a victim. She instead made a whole string of horrible choices, from deciding to get involved with this dude in the first place, to sending pictures to another guy and letting Guy #1 see that she did this. SHE is the one responsible here and she needs to own up to her choices.

Edited May 24, 2013 by Imajerk17

[sweetheart5381]

What I don't like is how people seem to be painting amolya to be this victim. She's not a victim. She instead made a whole string of horrible choices, from deciding to get involved with this dude in the first place, to sending pictures to another guy and letting Guy #1 see them. SHE is the one responsible here.

 

They are clearly not committed - she did no wrong.

 

Unless of course I misread and he actually did commit to her?

 

Did I misread?

 

She can do whatever she likes.

[sweetheart5381]

He has no right to get upset or judge, he can simply shut the f up and walk if he doesnt like it.

 

He is playing a game, and no, she is not to blame for his actions.

[amolya]

Thank you, I appreciate the replies. When tryig to talk about it he said he was high and could barely remember the conversation, and when I asked if he trusted me he said he trusted me to do whatever I do.

 

So yeah, he has no right to be upset over finding that stuff, and if he doesnt want to talk about it, not much I can do. Any more drama and I;m out, I definitely don;t want any long term future with him, so I think I was right to send that pic and do whatever I like. Doesnt mean I can't connect with someone I'm not tied to, but if he doesn't understand that and feel he can't trust me, that';s his perception. I'm not going to let it affect my happiness.

[RedRobin]

I appreciate the reply happydatem but with all due respect I think youve got the siuation a little off. Come to think of it, I was the first and oly person to mention "friends with benefits", he never labelled this. But I guess I considered it somewhere along the FWB lines, because he had emotional baggage and I thought it was best not to be in a relationship. But as time went on I liked him more and more but held back as I knew it wasn't what he wanted. But i was happy, seeing other people etc. But now, it turns out he might have liked me too, but feels rejected by me seeing other guys... You guys have said this is wrong of him, which I tend to agree with,

 

At least this is what I'm thinking right now...my above post explains the conversation in a little more detail

 

If you are not in a mutually exclusive relationship when you decide to have sex, you are a FWB by default.

Edited May 25, 2013 by RedRobin

[Imajerk17]

Thank you, I appreciate the replies. When tryig to talk about it he said he was high and could barely remember the conversation, and when I asked if he trusted me he said he trusted me to do whatever I do.

 

So yeah, he has no right to be upset over finding that stuff, and if he doesnt want to talk about it, not much I can do. Any more drama and I;m out, I definitely don;t want any long term future with him, so I think I was right to send that pic and do whatever I like. Doesnt mean I can't connect with someone I'm not tied to, but if he doesn't understand that and feel he can't trust me, that';s his perception. I'm not going to let it affect my happiness.

 

I call bullshiat. Next week you'll come on here asking for advice on how he mistreated you, again.

 

I think you need to ask yourself why you ended up in this bad situation in the first place.

[amolya]

I think I know this situation better than you imajerk. I've been thinking about it a lot...and no I haven;t fallen for him, looking at his behaviour and who he is I definitely can't see myself being with him long term. Therefore I have every right to see other guys and will continue to do so. The reason I see the guy is because we do have good times together, and I do enjoy hanging out with him. But I have decided that any more drama and it wouldn't be worth it, especially since he is incapable of talking to me directly about his feelings... You guys won';t be hearing about him again

[apple OR orange]

generally speaking when the "i dont want you and i dont want YOU to get what YOU want" normally means you have something they really wanted or liked but they wont ever have / get.

 

You may never find out what that is, but the above is normally true.