Dating an inexperienced guy

[the_entertainer1]

Yesterday I went on a date with a guy I met on a dating site. He's 25 and works in IT.

 

We'd chatted on the phone a couple of times and texted each other too. Both times when we talked, the conversation flowed well and lasted for over 20 minutes. At the end of our second conversation, I wasn't sure if he was going to suggest meeting up, so I mentioned it. Once I did that, he suggested a time and place, and later confirmed via text.

 

Our date was for coffee; it was a Saturday morning. We ended up being in the coffee shop for 2 hours - he seemed kind of surprised (in a good way) that we were there that long. Turns out we'd both parked our cars over the road in the car park of a shopping centre. I mentioned that I'd probably have a look around the shops before going home, seeing as I was there. He said he might too, and so we walked around the shops together for about an hour.

 

When it was time to go, we went to his car (it was closer to where we were - I didn't mind). It was then, that we (I can't remember if it was me or him) brought up the online dating thing (we're both quite new to it; I went on a few dates with one other guy but it didn't work out - I didn't tell THIS guy that though). He mentioned that he was pretty inexperienced. We hugged goodbye and he said it was nice to meet me and that "we'll see what happens".

 

Usually if a guy said that to me, I'd assume he didn't want to see me again. It's what I'd say to a guy if I didn't want to see him again. And, the last guy I dated suggested the second date at the end of the first ...

 

But I get the impression that this guy is a bit shy. Although our conversation flowed and we have many shared interests, I still felt that he lacked confidence or something. I usually prefer guys who are a bit more self-assured, but this guy seems really nice and we got on really well, so I'm giving him a chance.

 

Anyway, he texted me after the date - a good few hours later - with "it was really good meeting you and chatting today. Hope you enjoyed it also :)" Still no mention of a second date, but he 'followed up'. I haven't responded yet.

 

As some of you will know, I'm not the most experienced person going around either! This is all fairly new to me; I only just had my first kiss in January, at the age of 23. (I was just waiting for the right circumstances, lol). So this guy's (sexual) inexperience might be just right for me. On the other hand, I like it when a guy is a little bit more assertive and can take the lead. I don't mind taking the lead either, but I prefer the guy to do it.

 

Do I respond to his text and say I had a good time too, and that perhaps we should do it again sometime? That's what I want to do. A close male friend of mine said that that response was a bit 'pedestrian' though. He suggested I text him and ask if he liked what I was wearing yesterday. (He didn't compliment me on it). Then, when he replies, my friend suggests I should 'call him out' for not complimenting me on it. My friend (who is very experienced), says that this injects some excitement or a challenge into the 'relationship' and helps to break the ice. I'm not a big fan of this idea because I think it might intimidate him. I'm generally a confident person (less so when it comes to dating guys) and I'm worried that if he's inexperienced or shy, I'll drive him away if I'm too bold.

 

Basically, I'd like your perspective on the situation: if you're a shy/inexperienced guy, what might you be feeling in a situation like this? If you've dated a shy/inexperienced guy, give me some tips!

 

Thanks

[Keenly]

Give him an obvious green light of some kind. A REALLY obvious one. He will know that its alright to keep going.

[the_entertainer1]

Ok ... so everyone so far has said I should be quite obvious.

 

Any other tips for dating an inexperienced/shy guy?

[bruinbasher]

I'm an "inexperienced" guy myself (Still have not had a girlfriend all my life - I'm 25), but that's probably going to change soon. Anyways, my situation is similar to yours, the girl I'm seeing now we also met through OLD, we have a lot in common - graduated from the same college, we're the same age, have mutual friends.

 

If he's going to keep your interest, he MUST take the lead since that's what you're clearly attracted to. If he's inexperienced, make it obvious or strongly hint that you like a man with a plan. Just ask him, "Hey lets do something fun. Is there anything fun you've been looking to do/check out/see?" Hopefully that will give him enough to come up with ideas or you can just be forward and say "I really like it when a guy plans the night out". Either way, you'll learn a lot about him pretty quickly with the amount of thought he put into planning a night.

 

Other than that, like the previous posters have said, be OBVIOUS. Painfully obvious if you have to. I missed out on some of the obvious signs because of my inexperience. It wasn't until after I dropped her off at home that I missed some layups. For example, she was cold - even said so out loud and had a jacket on - as we were walking back to my car, me in my slightly inebriated state wasn't thinking too much at the time made a wimpy move and just rubbed her arm/back for a quick second. What I should have done was just put my arm around her. I also could have given her my jacket but we were only walking to my car, which was only a block away. Had we been out and about, I'm pretty sure I would have offered my jacket but it was a short walk. This is just one example of inexperience. Good luck!

[Emilia]

Ok ... so everyone so far has said I should be quite obvious.

 

Any other tips for dating an inexperienced/shy guy?

 

Why bother? Why bother dating a guy who says 'we'll see what happens' as a good bye to a date? It's not inexperience, it's being socially inept. You don't say that to friends let alone to a date. There is a reason why he is inexperienced at the age of 25, that's pretty old for a guy.

 

You say you are confident and you worry that saying anything too assertive/direct would scare him off. Would you want to walk on eggshells around someone? I understand that you are a virgin and perhaps intimidated by guys who aren't but at the same time you need to find someone you are compatible with. Not some hermit who says 'we'll see what happens' because he has no idea. Really?

[the_entertainer1]

Thanks, some great insight. One specific thing you said got my attention:

like the previous posters have said, be OBVIOUS. Painfully obvious if you have to.

 

Are there any specific ways I can actually be obvious? I know I said I'm confident, and generally I am, but I'm pretty new to dating and all that as well. If he is shy, does it mean he won't respond to things in a way that most other guys would?

 

Can you (or anyone!) give me some examples of obvious signals? Just little flirty things that can build closeness, like holding hands, or kissing.

 

We're in the process of planning a second date for this weekend. I responded to his initial post-date text by saying that I had a good time, that we should catch up again soon, and that he should call me this week to arrange the details. I'm not sure what we'll be doing yet, but I want to try and be a bit more spontaneous with communication that isn't just centred around calling or making plans to see each other. You know, actually building up a relationship. Any suggestions about how to do that? Although I know what I want, I'm a bit clueless when it comes to actually taking action to get it!

[SJC2008]

Why bother? Why bother dating a guy who says 'we'll see what happens' as a good bye to a date? It's not inexperience, it's being socially inept. You don't say that to friends let alone to a date. There is a reason why he is inexperienced at the age of 25, that's pretty old for a guy.

 

You say you are confident and you worry that saying anything too assertive/direct would scare him off. Would you want to walk on eggshells around someone? I understand that you are a virgin and perhaps intimidated by guys who aren't but at the same time you need to find someone you are compatible with. Not some hermit who says 'we'll see what happens' because he has no idea. Really?

 

You really have it in for inexperienced men don't you? You don't want to "teach" them as if they've never dealt with conflict or a real problem in life until they dated a women and had a relationship. I'm sure there's a reason, just as there's a reason you'te anti-inexperienced. My "reason" was shyness, getting really hurt by my first girlfriend, raising a relatives child for the first 5 years of his life from age 20-25. And when I say raise I mean I was basically his father. So where does my inexperience leave me at age 31? It leaves me wondering where are the women who share MY morals? Who beleive in balance in a relationship? Who is self aware of their shortcommings and how to work around them?Who beleives in communication and emotional intimacy and that e intimacy builds trust? I won't hold my breath that's for sure by I know she's out there and you made my job easiner in that there's one less person to worry about. All you're worried about is being used as a stepping stone but your character judge is off so you have to go by someones past instead of using your own intuition to see whether someone's into you or no. Sure we can "blinded" for a little bit, it's happened to me but sooner or later someones true colors show. But what about the men who DON'T string women along? I've had chances I promise. We get judged as ogres because we don't fit into societys bell curve. I've done things in my life and that I regret and some of which could have landed me some good jail time but I can hold my head high knowing that I've never used a woman for sex. I may be an ogre to you but I'm a great man and I deserve a great woman. She's out there I just gotta find her.

[Shardish]

SJC2008, why are you justifying yourself to Emilia? People like Emilia are so great, successful and experienced at dating that they spend most of their free time on a forum. That says it all to me. Pay her no heed.

[SJC2008]

SJC2008, why are you justifying yourself to Emilia? People like Emilia are so great, successful and experienced at dating that they spend most of their free time on a forum. That says it all to me. Pay her no heed.

 

Thanks but I wasn't justifying myself to her per se. I just get frustrated at the light were seen in and quite frankly some posters make ignorant comments about people that haven't dated a lot. One that made me laugh was that they won't know how to compromise! Right ALl relationships are healthy! Another one was they want to make sure we've experienced the ups and downs of life lol. I guess rolling my father around in a wheel chair for the last month of his life because his terminal cancer spread to his spine and paralyzed him doesn't count as a "down" since I'm inexperienced. I'm just waiting for that tough moment in life to come my way so I can see if I have what it takes to survive!

[Shardish]

Emilia has a point and I can see where she is coming from, a lot of inexperienced men are difficult, but then the way Emilia talks you'd think that people like her know everything and that they don't have baggage and of course neither one is quite true.

 

As for this man in the OP posts, he's probably nervous and as he gets comfortable around you he should be more relaxed. If things don't pick up soon then try and discuss things with him.

 

I'm an inexperienced guy, but inexperienced in sexual intercourse more so than anything else and if I really liked a girl I'd have no qualms about making my interest known and I would be assertive enough to make sure she knew that I was interested and was seeking to hang out again.

 

But everyone is different, so talk to him. Keep us updated.

[Radu]

I'm an "inexperienced" guy myself (Still have not had a girlfriend all my life - I'm 25), but that's probably going to change soon. Anyways, my situation is similar to yours, the girl I'm seeing now we also met through OLD, we have a lot in common - graduated from the same college, we're the same age, have mutual friends.

 

If he's going to keep your interest, he MUST take the lead since that's what you're clearly attracted to. If he's inexperienced, make it obvious or strongly hint that you like a man with a plan. Just ask him, "Hey lets do something fun. Is there anything fun you've been looking to do/check out/see?" Hopefully that will give him enough to come up with ideas or you can just be forward and say "I really like it when a guy plans the night out". Either way, you'll learn a lot about him pretty quickly with the amount of thought he put into planning a night.

 

Other than that, like the previous posters have said, be OBVIOUS. Painfully obvious if you have to. I missed out on some of the obvious signs because of my inexperience. It wasn't until after I dropped her off at home that I missed some layups. For example, she was cold - even said so out loud and had a jacket on - as we were walking back to my car, me in my slightly inebriated state wasn't thinking too much at the time made a wimpy move and just rubbed her arm/back for a quick second. What I should have done was just put my arm around her. I also could have given her my jacket but we were only walking to my car, which was only a block away. Had we been out and about, I'm pretty sure I would have offered my jacket but it was a short walk. This is just one example of inexperience. Good luck!

 

I was and still am the inexperienced guy.

Like the posters have said above ... be very obvious.

 

Recently i've improved on my body language reading and socialization and i got depressed when i realised what opportunities i missed in the past.