Boyfriend and his ex still texting

[Keariec]

I am with my boyfriend for just over 10 months now but back in August I discoverd that his ex was still texting him and he was texting back but on Friday of last week while using his phone to call someone I saw her name on the call log and saw that she phoned him. When I seen this I immediately busted into tears as I'd had every sinario going round my head. When I confronted him he said she was phoning for directions to some hotel that they had been to before but the night before she rang she texted him asking what he was up to. I've been cheated on before and suffered a miscarridge in July so my mind is running wild. I know I shouldn't be checking his phone but I'm scared of being cheated on again. When I ask him to be honest with me and ask has he still feeling for and if he dose I'll leave that minute and he will never see me again he said that he dosent they are just being friendly and send the odd text now and again. Mainly all the texts say are.. "hi what you up to x" but I don't no what to think. Is there something more? Should I break up with him? Is he unhappy with me?

[mammasita]

Don't jump to conclusions. Have a conversation with him in a non-confrontational way to see where you stand in his life and to fully understand why he and his ex keep in touch. Base your decision off of that.

[RachR]

When you originally discovered he and his ex were sending texts, how did you discover it?

[Ninjainpajamas]

Not enough information to make that determination.

 

However whenever you get into a relationship it would be wise to find out what communication he is having with from the past...in particular ex's and what not that would or have been of romantic interests.

 

Most guys will downplay it or say "she means nothing to me baby!"...you know how that goes and If the guy is still in contact with a lot of ex's and other various women then that should be an obvious flag there.

 

As for what he's up to now, It's unclear, but you should realize that you don't sniff out cheating by being paranoid and over the top worried, you do it through communication and being in the loop with how your BF feels...It's about building a solid relationship and foundation together, which honestly is foreign to many relationships....most people are just blindly going with the flow, making assumptions and too scared to ask or find out the truth, but guess what? that's when you get blind-sided. So you have to ask yourself what is scarier to you.

 

Unfortunately women typically choose similar men...I believe this goes back to their roots and childhood..women usually seek out men that remind them of their fathers and that dynamic, It's almost what they are comfortable with. So that may or may not be you and it does manifest itself in not so obvious ways either...It's typically pretty deep...so I don't mean to scare you, but chances are you may be attracted to men that make you feel insecure and vulnerable...and when you do date someone you can trust you might create drama or sabotage the relationship because It's not chaotic enough.

 

You have reason to be concerned, an ex is definitely a threat. However you need to find out what kind of relationship it is and where his emotions are. You can't ever stop a man from cheating and it's not as simple as "he's just not happy with me...boohoo" sometimes men cheat because they cheat...they've got their own problems and issues that pretty much have nothing to do with you as a person...that's just a way of feeding into your issues though, by making it directly a reflection upon you, that way you can sulk in it and get all depressed and feel invalidated...people like to sulk in negative emotions or emotions that allow them to enable their issues/problems...It's pretty complex so I won't go deeply into that.

 

The answer is always communicate though...whether you've got something to worry about or not, It's not mystery or secret button to push, that's how you find things out, that's how you stay in the loop and not get blind-sided...It's when you're just ignoring issues those flags that things can crop up, but typically there are signs when something isn't right...and something isn't right here so address your concerns as level-headed as possible instead of making it all about you or being emotional, or a guy will just tell you what you want to hear If you're practically in tears.

 

You've got to be calm and cool...like an undercover spy! But more like a seeker of truth instead

[CarboniteCammy]

IMHO, this could be nothing more then two friends staying in contact. It really just depends on the intentions of your boyfriend and his ex. Some exes can stay just friends and that's that.

 

My husband stayed in contact with one of his exes while we were dating. I would not have had a problem with it had he been up front with me.

 

Early on, he told me he had to baby sit a "friend's" dog. That "friend" turned out to be his ex.Then, As I was moving in, I found pictures of he and his ex together all over the place in his apartment that I had never noticed, and some of her lingerie still in the closet. Again, same ex. Then, I found birthday cards he had saved, mementos from trips, and then I found out that they were still texting every day.

 

After that, she started texting him asking him to come over and fix her computer and have dinner.

 

Once I put everything together, I flat out told him that I wasn't interested in seeing him any longer, because I no longer trusted his intentions with his ex. I told him I felt that I deserved better and went about finding an apartment, securing a storage unit, and making plans to move out.

 

Then, on his own, he made the decision to cut her out of his life because she was causing him too much trouble. He showed me where he blocked her number and her email address. His ex, out of desperation, then called him at work "just to talk."

 

He told her to take a hike and hung up on her.

 

When he got home, he removed every single picture, card, and artifact that reminded him of her from the house. Some, I didn't even know he was still keeping. It wasn't until he did that that I recommitted to him.

 

If you feel like there's a problem, request transparancy. Make sure he shows you every text, email, and tells you about every conversation in general. If he's not doing anything wrong, he shouldn't have a problem doing that.

[InJest]

I agree with the way Cammy handled it. Break up with him, so that you're not issuing an ultimatum. If he wants to cut her out, on his own, then reconsider but not a minute before.