saintfrancis Posted March 20, 2004 Share Posted March 20, 2004 Ok, I'm talking to a girlfriend earlier tonight and we start chatting about previous relationships. We have a difference of opinion. So, if anyone would mind giving their opinion on this "gray area" I'd be much obliged. Say you have gotten to know, and are seriously considering entering into a relationship with a man. He says he loves you and he thinks he wants to spend the rest of his life with you (this is after a period of coming to know you). He has spent a lot of time pursuing you. Then later on you find out he is, or rather, has slept with someone else on two or three occasions, pretty close to the point in time when he told you he loves you, etc. He claims it is just a fling, just sex, whatever. You (being the woman) are not dating him YET, but have expressed the same feelings of love and desire for a future with him that he has expressed toward you. Upon learning about the banging activites on the side, do you: a) Feel he has lied to you and is no good! b) Realize that sex does not equal love, and since he isn't in a relationship with you at this point it's none of your business, and hope/believe that if/when you do get into a relationship with him, the casual sex with the other girl with end c) Realize that sex does not equal love, but feel that given his professions of love and desire for a future with YOU, his banging girl #2 makes him a liar and a hypocrite and therefore you tell him goodbye d) <insert your own reaction here> All serious input welcome! Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted March 20, 2004 Share Posted March 20, 2004 This is a chronological puzzle you decide you want to spend your lives together and say that you love each other before you ever date? Link to post Share on other sites
Fedup&givingup Posted March 20, 2004 Share Posted March 20, 2004 E-Need more information about the intensity of the pursuing, etc. Link to post Share on other sites
carla Posted March 20, 2004 Share Posted March 20, 2004 d) Turn your back and walk away this loser is just lookn' to get a laid. If he was serious about wanting a relationship he wouldn't be bangn' some other broad, he'd be doing what he can to start a relationship with you. If this guy is doin any girl that happens to be around at the time and is not in a relationship with them..........HELLO what does that tell you? This guy sounds like a peatree (sp) dish for an STD experiment. Link to post Share on other sites
Fedup&givingup Posted March 20, 2004 Share Posted March 20, 2004 ROTFLMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
clia Posted March 20, 2004 Share Posted March 20, 2004 b) If you weren't exclusively dating, he can bang whoever he wants to bang. Link to post Share on other sites
Author saintfrancis Posted March 20, 2004 Author Share Posted March 20, 2004 Sorry about any confusion! Let's see, for the most part, the two parties involved have only gone out on a few dates, but have known each other as close friends for about a year and 1/2. During that time they have dated other people but always had some feelings for each other. At the point where I pose the above question, they each had not been dating anyone else for several months (minus the sex in question), and have come to feel that they are really good together, compatible, attracted to each other, etc. So they do go on a few dates at this point, but yes, the feelings have already developed before then. This is during a younger time in life mind you, so perhaps each party doesn't realize there is more to finding you love someone, but yes, this is the way it happens. The pursuing comes in the form of email notes, IM chats, phone converstions in which the guy tells the girl about his feelings, that he wants to date her etc., that he thinks she's very cool, sends cards, says he thinks that they could have a future together, a lifetime future. These things go on for at least a couple of months before the two have a few dates (but no sex yet). I hope that makes it more clear...? Link to post Share on other sites
Author saintfrancis Posted March 20, 2004 Author Share Posted March 20, 2004 further clarification: When I originally posted that they were not dating each other YET, I meant they had not yet reached a point of agreeing to be with only each other, bf/gf, it just had not yet evolved to the point of being a full-blown romance, which it probably would have very quickly, given the feelings involved, were it not for the discovery of the casual sex on the side. Link to post Share on other sites
EnigmaXOXO Posted March 20, 2004 Share Posted March 20, 2004 c) Realize that sex does not equal love, but feel that given his professions of love and desire for a future with YOU, his banging girl #2. . . d.) May just mean he is lonely, desperate and confused. Perhaps his interpretation of ‘love’ and what defines a ‘committed relationship’ for him is wholly different than yours. For me (and I’ve been in this situation before), I would feel differently if this girl was just a one-night stand. But given the fact they had developed a friendship in addition to a sexual relationship, there was a little more going on than just ‘sex.’ Even if it didn’t escalate into a full-blown romance, the fact that the friendship still exists would signal me that there hasn’t been absolute closure between the two of them, yet. As long as his romantic safety net is still in place (a.k.a. Sex buddy), he isn’t ready to invest himself into a relationship with you whole-heartedly. And personally, for me, anyone who can separate love and sex so easily could present a real relationship RISK later on. Given all that, I would have a hard time lending any merit to his sudden professions of “love”... even if in his heart he thinks he means it. I would have to give it time --- LOTS of time --- before making any commitments to someone who still seems to be in romantic limbo. However, if somewhere down the road he was willing to end his friendships with past lovers, WITHOUT asking for any promises from you in return, than I’d be more willing to trust his motives and intentions. But the longer it takes for him to grow and mature in regard to relationships and love, the more at risk he is to loosing you to a better man. Link to post Share on other sites
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