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Leave the room or leave the house?


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Old 8th August 2012, 8:35 PM   #1
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Leave the room or leave the house?

When dealing with common relationship issues, I rarely find in necessary to leave the house. I would rather acknowledge that there is an issue and decide whether it's a good time to talk about it or whether it needs to be postponed. Either way, I wouldn't want to leave or have my partner leave to "take space and think". I'd rather go in a different room and not speak, because at least there is still a sense of togetherness, the relationship still feels intact. And, I believe keeping the communication lines open, even if minimally, is very important. I don't think even one day of silence should go by because it breeds sadness and worry. Even if days normally go by without speaking, an effort should be made to stay connected.

Maybe I am naive, but I would want to say "we really need to discuss and figure this out" and then still go to sleep next to one another. So, I guess I just don't understand why people run away from someone they love. I feel that it makes things harder and can turn a situation into something worse than it originally was. Thoughts?
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Old 9th August 2012, 9:47 PM   #2
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From experience, people leave the room because they're afraid that they will do or say something that they will regret. Plus, they need time and space away from the heightened emotions to think clearly. I've found that some people do this and work out the issues within themselves and so that they're "over it." However, what they might not realise is that the partner they walked away from might still be stewing over the issues and needs to talk to get some closure.

I think it's important that both partners know each other's styles and that even if one partner needs to walk away to clear their head, they don't love the other person any less and will always come back to talk about it.
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Old 9th August 2012, 10:08 PM   #3
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I definitely understand the need for space and time to think, it's the leaving the house part that gets me. Just leave the room and agree to not talk for a while, even all day. Or, if it's during the day, maybe just leave to do errands or go get coffee and take a moment to relax. But, IME, I've dated a couple guys that would leave and not come back until the next day. That just seems wrong to me. In my current relationship there have been a couple times when he needed to walk away, and did go home (we don't live together), but it wasn't dramatic or all that upsetting. I suppose the stability of the relationship has a lot to do with it.
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Old 9th August 2012, 10:26 PM   #4
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Some people need more space, more time, or both to cool off. I agree they should discuss the issue in a timely manner, but I think you sound a bit selfish and demanding on this issue. I know when I get really mad at someone, I don't want to be around them, near them, or 'together' with them. Being around them, even in the next room, just makes me angrier. This situation is always funny to me..you want the freedom to piss someone off to the point they want to leave, then you want to make them stay with you. Controlling.

What do you do to piss these guys off so much they don't want to be around you? Do you nag? I've only left the house on a girlfriend once, and it was for excessive nagging. Seems like a fairly frequent occurrence for you though.

Last edited by InJest; 9th August 2012 at 10:29 PM..
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Old 9th August 2012, 10:39 PM   #5
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Originally Posted by InJest View Post
Some people need more space, more time, or both to cool off. I agree they should discuss the issue in a timely manner, but I think you sound a bit selfish and demanding on this issue. I know when I get really mad at someone, I don't want to be around them, near them, or 'together' with them. Being around them, even in the next room, just makes me angrier. This situation is always funny to me..you want the freedom to piss someone off to the point they want to leave, then you want to make them stay with you. Controlling.

What do you do to piss these guys off so much they don't want to be around you? Do you nag? I've only left the house on a girlfriend once, and it was for excessive nagging. Seems like a fairly frequent occurrence for you though.
Yikes!
Well I suppose you answered my question, being too angry to stay in the same house is why people leave. I find it funny that you seemed angry in your response too. You immediately accuse me of doing something to make the man want to leave (and don't consider that maybe he did something but can't face it). Also, you say I want to make them stay with me and call me "controlling" even though I stated that my current bf has gone home a couple times to think and it has not been a big deal. It's not about telling someone what they can or cannot do during a time of emotional upset, it's about both people being respectful and taking time apart the right way.

The only thing that I think is wrong is storming out of the house and not coming back until the next day.

Last edited by ScienceGal; 9th August 2012 at 10:42 PM..
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Old 10th August 2012, 12:14 PM   #6
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I was annoyed in my response, because I thought what I was saying was just common knowledge. It sounds like a fairly frequent occurrence, so I thought it was something that you were doing. You didn't give an actual example so I still can't judge, but I just figured it's probably something you do, or the way you do something that gets under people's skin.

I think storming out of the house and not coming back until the next day is just fine, if you need to. Like I said, I've only done it once, and that was because I wanted to just strangle her. I think leaving and not strangling her was respectful and handling it "in the right way".

So, I'm interested. What are the reasons guys have stormed out on you?
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Old 10th August 2012, 12:46 PM   #7
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Originally Posted by january2011 View Post
From experience, people leave the room because they're afraid that they will do or say something that they will regret. Plus, they need time and space away from the heightened emotions to think clearly.
this is 100% correct. I'm a very passionate guy, that can be super nice, but I can also verbally slice & dice someone when they really piss me off. I've probably walked away from a fight a half dozen times or so, so I can cool off before I say something harsh.
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Old 10th August 2012, 12:55 PM   #8
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Sometimes the bf goes outdoors to clear his head. I wouldn't read too much into it, unless it was prolonged or very frequent. In such cases he's usually back in a few hours (usually with something to make up, lol), and we're both much calmer after.
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Old 10th August 2012, 1:57 PM   #9
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Hi..
well my ex was very emotional with confrontation.
\she would do exactly that, and sit alone away from me, and not talk for hours.
i found this a complete nightmare, as i'm the kind who likes to resolve issues, rather than drag out a bad vibe...

i think i messed up, because i used to pounce on the situation to get resolution straight away.
but of course sometimes, this makes the situation worse, i never could find that balance with her, and ultimately it was this that destroyed things.
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Old 10th August 2012, 3:38 PM   #10
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Quote:
Originally Posted by InJest View Post
I was annoyed in my response, because I thought what I was saying was just common knowledge. It sounds like a fairly frequent occurrence, so I thought it was something that you were doing. You didn't give an actual example so I still can't judge, but I just figured it's probably something you do, or the way you do something that gets under people's skin.

I think storming out of the house and not coming back until the next day is just fine, if you need to. Like I said, I've only done it once, and that was because I wanted to just strangle her. I think leaving and not strangling her was respectful and handling it "in the right way".

So, I'm interested. What are the reasons guys have stormed out on you?
It's not a frequent occurrence. I've had two boyfriends take the "storm out" approach. One was 5 years ago and he was an alcoholic that would pick fights and then leave because he had a quick temper, or he would get very upset if I asked him about where he had been. The other guy was a couple years ago and he had a hot temper too. He had a huge ego and refused to take blame for anything. I will bear some of the blame for that situation though because, as weallfalldown wrote, I used to want immediate resolution. I've learned from that, through trying my best to avoid arguments that are likely to escalate.

My other relationships were not like that, and neither is my current one. I think it's exactly what January wrote, you have to know each other's styles and be ok with it. The yelling and storming out approach just doesn't go over well with me.

I was actually asking because my good friend is dating someone that gets irritated with the most common questions such as "what time do you expect to arrive?" So while you might think the one being walked out on is at fault, that isn't always the case. I was with her when she was on the phone with him once and he literally started going off for no good reason when she asked a simple question. They've been together for over a year and he has always been like this, even before her.
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Old 13th August 2012, 8:25 PM   #11
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Quote:
but I think you sound a bit selfish and demanding on this issue.
Quote:
This situation is always funny to me..you want the freedom to piss someone off to the point they want to leave, then you want to make them stay with you. Controlling.
Quote:
What do you do to piss these guys off so much they don't want to be around you? Do you nag? I've only left the house on a girlfriend once, and it was for excessive nagging. Seems like a fairly frequent occurrence for you though.
In my opinion, OP did and said absolutely nothing that would justify calling her selfish, demanding, or controlling, even if you are "annoyed," as you say in a later post. I also see nothing suggesting that she is a nag, or that people frequently storm out on her.

Quote:
I think storming out of the house and not coming back until the next day is just fine, if you need to. Like I said, I've only done it once, and that was because I wanted to just strangle her. I think leaving and not strangling her was respectful and handling it "in the right way".
I don't know if you actually mean that, but I would be very, very afraid of a guy whose temper ever got so out of control that he literally wanted to strangle me over anything I said--or acted like he was being respectful just by not doing so.

I rarely comment on LS anymore, but your comments on this thread and the way you tore into OP unprovoked, and instead of apologizing justified yourself by saying you were "annoyed," and the way you talked about wanting to strangle a woman because she nagged you, were just...scary. They gave me a really bad vibe.

I hope this was a one-off and doesn't reflect how you are RL.
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