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i feel more like a convenience girlfriend than special


Dating Dating, courting, or going steady? Things not working out the way you had hoped? Stand up on your soap box and let us know what's going on!

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Old 15th July 2012, 8:15 PM   #1
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i feel more like a convenience girlfriend than special

I've been with my boyfriend for five months. To give a super brief background, we met freshmen year of college and became great friends. Then we started dating late winter of sophomore year, and things since then have been generally great. He's my first relationship, and personality wise, he is the perfect person for me. I feel like I can tell him anything and will never be judged and he is just an absolutely sensational person who makes me so happy.

The problem happened a few days ago when I finally got the courage to tell him that I love him. He lives about two hours away, and right before I left, I told him. Honestly, I wasn't expecting to hear it back, I just wanted him to know, and I wanted to tell him because I really truly do. He didn't say it, and you could that though he was smiling, he was kind of uncomfortable. So basically I regretted it instantly, and later on when I got home, he tells me 2 things. 1, he doesn't believe in love, and 2, he thinks we're too young to know what love it. I was incredibly disappointed, especially because I kind of felt like he might feel the same way, and wasn't expecting anything less than a "well I'm not just there yet".

But basically, this got us talking about a whole bunch of other things. We kind of just put everything out there for each other so we aren't surprised in the future. To sum things up quickly, he said that he thought we were both on the same page, that it just seems like I'm more committed than he is, and that he cares about me and likes me more than anyone he's ever liked before, and loves to spend time with me and talk to me, and that he's not looking for anything more or anything less in a relationship than what we have and just wants to stay "in this comfortable zone". Which I kind of saw immediately as a huge red flag. So I kind of stated what I felt a relationship means to me, how I think it's when you care so much about someone you just want to do anything to make them happy and be with them and be the reason that they smile, and that a relationship is constantly progressing, that's the point of a relationship, and a relationship is a commitment! He didn't seem to agree really at all.

We also talked about other things, kissing being one of them. The only time we ever kiss is when it's time to say goodnight/goodbye, and he says that that's just kind of the person that he is, that he'd rather actually watch a movie with me and enjoy my company rather than make out, which is basically all he did with his other gfs, because he genuinely likes me. Among this and other things, such as him not being too upset when I left him after visiting only for two and a half days and being kind of glad to be able to do his own thing again, he really doesn't make me feel special, either. I'm beginning to feel like a convenience girlfriend, honestly. At school, he only spends time with me usually when I initiate it or when he's not busy with somebody else. He doesn't show me any affection other than kissing me goodnight, and I really don't feel any different than any other one of his friends - he cares about me and likes me a lot and enjoys my company. I'm just one that he kisses every once in a while so that he can call it a relationship. But it's just...everyone wants to feel important, I'd like to think. And I might be naive because this is my first relationship, but I always thought that when you're in a relationship with someone, they become one of the most important people in your life. Personally, I feel like he's just going through the motions of what he thinks is supposed to happen when you're in a relationship with someone, if you will. (Like the first time we made out, it was again, right before he said goodnight one night, and later on said that "it seemed like a opportune time", like he just wanted to do it to get it over with, to check if off the list.)

I feel like i'll just put up with this because I know how he is. And like, it's hard to explain, but he's not a "normal" guy. He thinks pet names are weird, doesn't like the word sexy, and just doesn't seem as interested in being physical as I thought a boyfriend should be or as I want him to be. I just want to be first for someone, like that's what I was looking forward going into a relationship, you know? But I don't feel like I am. He has so many friends, and he just feels like he needs to please everyone, which doesn't help.

So basically, I'm just really torn. As I said, obviously I'm in love with him, and I care about him so much and feel as if I'm always trying to adjust my actions so that he's comfortable and happy, but he never does the same so he doesn't step out of this comfort zone, and I really just don't feel special. Personally, I feel like he should want to kiss me and hug me and be with me a lot, at least much much more than he does right now, and want to make me feel special. But I don't. And it just hurts because I WANT him to be the person who makes me feel that way because I love everything about him except for this, which is probably the most important. I just don't know what to do. I'm willing to give it time because I don't want to be without him but I'm just longing for so much more than I think he has to give me, and I don't know if he's ever going to be different.

Thanks so much for reading if you've read all this!
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Old 15th July 2012, 8:17 PM   #2
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in a nutshell: if he's not giving you what you want, break up with him and find someone who will. there are so many people out there, so many guys who would love a chance with you, to make you feel special, why waste time with a prick who doesn't believe in love. which is absolute utter bullsh** by the way. he's a douche and you need to dump him asap. u can do better, i promise u
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Old 15th July 2012, 8:22 PM   #3
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I wish it were that easy, you know? He's far from that. I don't want anyone else but him. Not right now. And I feel like I'll be just as miserable without him. I just don't know if there's a way I can explain this to him to better get my point across or anything else I can do.

But unfortunately, if things don't change, I think I'm going to have to do just that.
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Old 15th July 2012, 8:26 PM   #4
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sprry sweetie.. but unless he wants to change, there's no changing him. Looks to me he's pretty dead set in his ways.

Quote:
Originally Posted by inmyshoes View Post
I wish it were that easy, you know? He's far from that. I don't want anyone else but him. Not right now. And I feel like I'll be just as miserable without him. I just don't know if there's a way I can explain this to him to better get my point across or anything else I can do.

But unfortunately, if things don't change, I think I'm going to have to do just that.
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Old 16th July 2012, 11:24 AM   #5
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a) you're not great friends. if you were you wouldn't be posting all that.
b) his mind is not likely to change
c) he doesn't make you feel happy. having a boyfriend makes you feel happy. but you don't have one.
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Old 16th July 2012, 11:35 AM   #6
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never waste your precious time with people who dont LOVE you, and refuse to commit to you.

especially if you give those things, you have the right expect them back, and if they dont reciprocate, just leave even if its painful, dont be a doormat.
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Old 16th July 2012, 2:55 PM   #7
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Most guys at that age would be having sex with you even if they didn't like you that much. I wonder if he is gay.
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Old 16th July 2012, 3:11 PM   #8
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Quote:
Originally Posted by FitChick View Post
Most guys at that age would be having sex with you even if they didn't like you that much. I wonder if he is gay.
I'll admit that the thought crossed my mind, too.
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Old 16th July 2012, 3:30 PM   #9
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Quote:
Originally Posted by inmyshoes View Post
I wish it were that easy, you know? He's far from that. I don't want anyone else but him. Not right now. And I feel like I'll be just as miserable without him. I just don't know if there's a way I can explain this to him to better get my point across or anything else I can do.

But unfortunately, if things don't change, I think I'm going to have to do just that.
I hate to say this, but he's not the guy you want. Even though you think he is, he's not. He can't give you what you're looking for, and as for your statement of "if things don't change..." things AREN'T going to change. He made it perfectly clear to you what his expectations for this are. He made it perfectly clear what he's looking for, what his intentions are, and how he plans to behave in this relationship.

He's always going to be one step ahead of you, and at arms distance. You're never going to have that loving, affectionate, emotionally open individual you're looking for. You can't change him, your love won't suddenly open his eyes to a whole new world.

It's terrible you fell in love with him but it's been 5 months. Please don't waste anymore of your time, only to look back a year, or two years from now STILL unhappy and still hoping for change.

He's NOT your perfect person because he doesn't give you what you want! There IS someone perfect out there for you. A guy who will kiss you when you want, who will give you that physical love, the emotional connection. Instead of saying, "I don't believe in love" he will be saying, "I love you too."
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