LoveShack.org Community Forums

Reload this Page LoveShack.org Community Forums > Romantic > Dating

Unaffectionate, Unemotional Men


Dating Dating, courting, or going steady? Things not working out the way you had hoped? Stand up on your soap box and let us know what's going on!

Like Tree1Likes
 
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 24th May 2012, 11:42 AM   #1
Established Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 2,564
Unaffectionate, Unemotional Men

Has anyone dealt with unaffectionate, unemotional men in relationships? Care to discuss your experiences? Did the relationship last?

My ex was not affectionate or emotionally expressive, and it was the main element missing from our relationship for me. We would often sit on opposite ends of the couch and he never told me verbally how he felt about me (he said I should know since he had chosen to be with me). He also wasn’t considerate. If I was carrying heavy bags he wouldn’t offer to carry them (though he would take them if I asked). The last guy I dated was always concerned about how I felt. He would always do simple things like ask if I was hot and if I needed the air turned up. These simple gestures mean a lot to me and my ex didn’t do these.

Can someone learn to be affectionate, emotionally expressive, and considerate? Can someone learn to WANT to do these things?

My fear is that he could “learn,” but it would be done without feeling. It would be a deliberate decision, like he would think to himself, “Iris would like it if I put my arm around her, so I guess I should do it.” He wouldn’t, however, actually feel the desire to touch me.

My ex often felt like I was being critical of him when I tried to bring up this topic (ironic because he’s very critical). How should this subject be approached?
iris219 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 24th May 2012, 11:46 AM   #2
Established Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: North Texas
Posts: 238
So, why did you dump the guy who was considerate of your feelings?
TheSingleGuy is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 24th May 2012, 11:48 AM   #3
Established Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 1,864
Some people are the way they are unfortunately i dont think you can change them..I could never date someone whos unaffectionate and doesnt like to show or closeness and bond together physically..

The unemotional part could come form some men being afraid t oshow their emotions and soft sensitive side in fear that some women dont want to see that side of Men..
AD1980 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 24th May 2012, 11:48 AM   #4
Established Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Male, 55, in Sunny Cali
Posts: 34,790
Journal Entries: 38
Quote:
How should this subject be approached?
With open-ended questions, accepting the answers or the silence as the person's truth.

If such is apparently incompatible and irreconcilable, accept that as well and act upon that information. If reconcilable, seek compromise.

I can say that divorce and my mom's death changed me emotionally. I'm far more closed now than historically in my life, probably closer to the level of most of my male friends. Not as 'girlie'. Interesting journey.
carhill is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 24th May 2012, 11:48 AM   #5
Established Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 3,071
Why are you with Mr Unemotive? What's the payoff ?
Balzac is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 24th May 2012, 11:51 AM   #6
Established Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 2,564
Quote:
Originally Posted by TheSingleGuy View Post
So, why did you dump the guy who was considerate of your feelings?
He was completely unable to get himself or his life together. He had a drug problem, very little income, was in his 30s and lived like a frat boy.

He also didn't seem like he wanted to be in a committed relationship anyway (possibly because he knew he was a mess).
iris219 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 24th May 2012, 11:51 AM   #7
Established Member
 
TigerCub's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Canada
Posts: 3,573
I've never been with someone that didn't show affection is SOME way.

My current bf isn't totally verbal (like a lot of other guys I've been with), but he sure as hell shows that he cares with his actions and with the way he treats me.

Sorry, but I've never been with someone that didn't show it in any way.

Some guys are more expressive verbally, and more timid physically, or more hesitant with their actions.

Some show it mostly through actions and physical connection but aren't so verbally expressive.

It threw me off a little bit at first, the way my current boyfriend is because I was normally used to a lot of verbal expression, but honestly, I'd rather have actions that just words.
__________________
"These are wasted days without affection
I'm not that foolish anymore
Well you're out of time, I'm letting go... "
~ Older - George Michael
TigerCub is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 24th May 2012, 11:57 AM   #8
Established Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 5,720
Well the guy you are speaking of sounds like a total freakin mess and a major loser. I'm baffled you stayed with him at all.

I have never been with a guy who was unaffectionate and whatnot. I would view that as a sign of incompatibility and leave, early.
veggirl is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 24th May 2012, 11:57 AM   #9
Established Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 2,564
Quote:
Originally Posted by carhill View Post
With open-ended questions, accepting the answers or the silence as the person's truth.

If such is apparently incompatible and irreconcilable, accept that as well and act upon that information. If reconcilable, seek compromise.

I can say that divorce and my mom's death changed me emotionally. I'm far more closed now than historically in my life, probably closer to the level of most of my male friends. Not as 'girlie'. Interesting journey.
What kind of questions should be asked?

I used to try to avoid any "You do or you don't do" kind of statements. I'd begin with "I need more...." It didn't go over well. It typically led to an argument or him shutting down.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Balzac View Post
Why are you with Mr Unemotive? What's the payoff ?
I'm not with him, but I think he'd like to be back together.

The payoff was he was brilliant, creative, and we always had good conversation. He always made me think. He was devoted to the relationship in his own way. I completely trusted him. And, of course, I was attracted to him.
iris219 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 24th May 2012, 11:58 AM   #10
Established Member
 
Elswyth's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2007
Posts: 18,334
Well, different people have different ways of expressing emotion and affection/love, IMO. Take my granddad, for example. Traditional stoic Asian guy, never a word of verbal affection towards his wife or his children. But when he'd started courting my grandmother, it was considered a luxury in their village to have a water pipe attached to your house, instead of having to queue up at the village pipe to haul heavy buckets back to your house. His house had no pipe and he had only money for one, and he installed it for her. That's definitely love, and she retells that story to this day.

That being said, if someone finds themselves incompatible with their partner's method of showing affection, it may be worth finding a compromise (one partner tries to show it in another way more often, and the other partner tries to appreciate their partner's natural methods more) if both people really want to. If both find themselves perpetually unhappy despite having tried, then perhaps they may consider parting ways.

If the person does not seem to express love/affection/emotion in any way at all, I don't see a point in being in a R with them.
__________________
~Perfection is about accepting that we cannot control everything and letting go of some of our preconceived notions.~ -Spiritofnow-
Elswyth is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 24th May 2012, 12:04 PM   #11
Established Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 2,564
Quote:
Originally Posted by Elswyth View Post
Well, different people have different ways of expressing emotion and affection/love, IMO. Take my granddad, for example. Traditional stoic Asian guy, never a word of verbal affection towards his wife or his children. But when he'd started courting my grandmother, it was considered a luxury in their village to have a water pipe attached to your house, instead of having to queue up at the village pipe to haul heavy buckets back to your house. His house had no pipe and he had only money for one, and he installed it for her. That's definitely love, and she retells that story to this day.

That being said, if someone finds themselves incompatible with their partner's method of showing affection, it may be worth finding a compromise (one partner tries to show it in another way more often, and the other partner tries to appreciate their partner's natural methods more) if both people really want to. If both find themselves perpetually unhappy despite having tried, then perhaps they may consider parting ways.

If the person does not seem to express love/affection/emotion in any way at all, I don't see a point in being in a R with them.
Cute story. I agree that people show love in different ways.

I also agree with the bolded, but do you think a person can change?
iris219 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 24th May 2012, 12:08 PM   #12
Established Member
 
Elswyth's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2007
Posts: 18,334
If they are not showing love in any way at all, I don't think they can, tbh, or at least it will not be a process worth enduring. What are we in relationships for, if not love? (I know the trolls are going to come in and say sex, but meh ) I can live in a R knowing that we express our love in different ways and that we will need time to fully appreciate each others'. I can't live in an R not seeing a shred of evidence of love/affection at all.
Elswyth is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 24th May 2012, 12:27 PM   #13
Established Member
 
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 11,579
Anyone can change if they are motivated. Wait until after they've changed to date them.
__________________
Nothing will change unless you do.
FitChick is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 24th May 2012, 1:02 PM   #14
Established Member
 
threebyfate's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,246
iris, your two exes sound like polar extremes where most guys fall somewhere in between. Give it some time and instead of looking to change guys or waiting for them to change, forget potential and look to the now when dating. If he's not what you need now, he's not the right fit for you.

As far as people being able to change, most can but won't.
threebyfate is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 24th May 2012, 1:57 PM   #15
Established Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 458
The question is will he WANT to change? You can never change another person's behavior unless they want it! It looks like you guys are not compatible, you want affection and he don't even want to a little affection?
I say most people are capable of change for the better. But they just got to be try.
mtber75 is offline   Reply With Quote
 

Bookmarks

Thread Tools
Display Modes

 

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Being emotional on an unemotional person. How so? ruggy Dating 9 2nd March 2009 5:58 AM
Unaffectionate, Unappreciative? - Long thread sorry. misery.junkyard Marriage & Life Partnerships 14 7th December 2008 10:46 AM
Why are some men unattached, and unemotional? Cliche23 Dating 11 11th August 2006 1:05 PM
Cold unemotional wife wants divorce !!! oscaroc Separation and Divorce 11 27th May 2004 4:40 PM
unaffectionate Michael Archive 4 11th April 2000 5:28 PM

 

All times are GMT -4. The time now is 7:45 AM.

Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.


Copyright © 1997-2013 LoveShack.org. All Rights Reserved.