what does he want from me???

[purelydreamt]

I met this guy through work he was in a different department and he was so into me at least I think so based on his flirting and behavior. One day I was asked by upper management to transfer to the same department as him and we were both happy about it. But once it was official his communication wasn't the same anymore. Spent most of his time around other male coworkers from other departments when he never did before and it amazed me how wed never talk about departmental projects when normally colleagues would.

 

It saddened me to be neglected in a way but I did ask him calmly about us needing to plan meetings because we should be talking about projects but he's always to be found assisting other departments other than the one he belongs too. He was shocked but to summarize he claimed that he and I "do talk" (we really didn't).

 

This eventually led to many arguments between him and I over a several month period either to which he started or I started and it was always about the weirdest emotional things I.e. he claimed I never said hi/bye or how other males in other depts bugged me a lot and my arguments were usually we don't communicate or plan things he checks in with everyone but me etc.

 

Despite the arguments when things were not argumentative he would invite me to lunch or events he was involved in (rarely but he did still ask) and if I couldn't go he'd bug me to go..and when id go. Id either get third wheel'd or he'd not acknowledge me unless I was talking to another male or he realized I was leaving for the night..frankly why bug me to go if you aren't gona say anything to me???

 

One day it was 45 minutes later after id normally be at work I was getting work done on my car (it was an emergency/last minute thing) and I couldn't call because my cell battery was low and I couldn't call anyone cause I was saving it for a tow. When I got to the mechanic I checked my phone he called twice emailed once and got two other people to contact me. According to a close work friend of mine he spazzed out. Was apparently so worried he was pacing around and couldn't sit still etc. I couldn't believe it.the guy who didn't give me the time of day was actually worried about me? Anyway it backfired when we ended up arguing about that situation too.

 

Anyway here we are. Some how we are at the point where I finally got him talking to me about work projects now and socialization here and there. But I get a he's giving me space as if he thinks I hate him sort of behavior. Whenever he'd grab coffee with the guys he'd ask me if I wanted any (and even pays) for me. Now he doesn't even ask me....he doesn't even hide the fact that they are going...cause whenever he goes he says "ill be right back going to grab coffee" everytime he goes. And he even sees that I have to even ask whoever he's with to grab me one so he knows I like coffee. Sometimes if he sees ppl buy me one he'll insist on paying for mine -- I don't know if he pays for theirs too.

 

I guess my question is... I don't know if he thinks I hate him and want him to leave me alone. He does go out of his way to say hi/bye to me and does communicate more work wise and socially but u can see that he acts in a "don't wanna bug her" or "she hates me" sorta distance.

 

I still totally adore him and would like to progress things starting with a friendship we used to have.

 

I don't get wht he's thinking....can anyone decipher this?

 

Two how do I get things close to where it used to be?

[JoeyArnold]

He sounds like a jerk. I doubt he really knows what he wants or how to treat a lady. He doesn't sound like he is actually interested in you, at least not interested in long-term. He seems to be more interested in having power & control over you.

[purelydreamt]

That's the thing he's not a jerk. He's well mannered kind and etc. and we get along fine now on a basic level but for whatever reason he finds it hard to talk to me about whatever he's thinking. Like the other day I got locked out at work and he came to my rescue but was quiet the whole time or if he compliments me he never does it in person but easily does it through email.

 

He's never had a hard time before.

[darkmoon]

he probably doesn't even know he's driving u to LS, so stay ok with what he offers, life's long and time will tell what happens

 

perhaps he has lately found he likes emailng you - an intended surprise that you are not sure of, so wait to know him better before u jump to conclusions specially as u are being made unhappy by who u find likeable

 

have faith

[purelydreamt]

That's not what I meant. We used to be close and now for whatever reason he finds it hard to talk to me unless its about work. Its not a dislike thing but at the same time if you ask him about it he'll claim things are fine.

 

But if you keep 3rd wheeling me at lunch y invite me in the first place.

[JoeyArnold]

Sounds like he is lacking confidence or is scared of something or has a problem with something or somebody.

[purelydreamt]

I don't know what it is, he will either invite me to an event or lunch sometimes but always 3rd wheels me. What I mean is let's say he invites me to lunch with another colleague, he will spend the whole time talking to them, sitting next to them, and even looking at them. Doesn't matter who it is, male or female...and it'll always be a topic about ppl they know or subjects i know nothing about and he nor they bother explaining anything.

 

I feel like why invite me if you are going to always do that. Even when he joins a conversation or lunch I am in. He will always talk to them only. Even if im in a convo with someone he hates, he will still talk to them and not talk to me. But when he does talk to me it isn't as if he hates me. He does joke sometimes...but I don't know how we got to this point. I don't know if I'll ever get an answer because he acts like we do "talk" when we really don't.

 

So how do i fix things. I want things back the way they used to be between us. When it wasn't awkward.

[JoeyArnold]

Have you told him you feel lost & ignored during those kinds of situations?

[purelydreamt]

I have and he's like "Wtf we do talk?" And that's all he ever says. When you can see a clear difference between how he talks to everyone else even people he hates he still will talk to them way more than me.

 

At first I figured it was becuase I kinda had this "busy doing work" kinda vibe but even when we're alone or at an event he'll do the same thing.

 

It never used to be this way. I don't know how it got to this point?

[purelydreamt]

Despite the lack of advice I got here I thought long and hard about this since my original post but last night I finally spoke to him yet again about it. What got me to talk to him about it was yesterday he went to lunch with other people who he hardly ever goes with because his usual people weren't available but never bothered asking me..

 

And then when he got back from his lunch I decided to take mine and when I walked into the caf there he was with one of his male work buddies while they were at their lunch eating in the break room. I knew his buddy was in there and although his work buddy is kind of a douche I was willing to eat with him anyway. But since my coworker (the one who the op is about) was there too I realized id have to eat lunch in my office.

 

My coworker noticed my subtle face reaction and made a jokey comment and then said that I should sit next to him (probably cause he doesn't want me to sit next with his work buddy). I said "no thank you id rather not" and I walked out.

 

I figure why should i: a) he didn't invite me to lunch originally b)even if I sat down he'd 3rd wheel me anyway

 

And plus I was annoyed that he was slackin off for another hour and he just came back from lunch!

 

So after work I called him into my office I shut the door and I asked him one simple question:

 

Does anything I do matter to you?

 

Which led to the discussion we had for an hour. Ill spare the details but the gist is:

 

 

I let him know if I have value to him then he needs to stop 3rd wheeling me at social situations and work related events...if he's annoyed with me he needs to talk to me about it or don't give me attitude if he can't talk about it I don't wanna hear about it from someone else...and definitely don't talk to people like you're happy to see them and only give me a "hey".

 

And throughout the conversation he basically said that he didn't say much anymore because I don't say much to him or look at him and to which I said because of the aforementioned and that if he noticed all that..ask me what's wrong it may be about something tragic in my personal life that maybe talking about would help.

 

He said he's learned along time ago to just let ppl alone so they can eventually move on from it and I said I'm not the same as what you're used to...I actually need to talk and solve the problem for me to be able to move on.

 

And then near the end of the hour long convo I basically said that I don't want him to feel like he's forced to act a certain way but that I hope he understands that if I have value to him like he says I do then treat me like it because I really really do not wanna have this conversation everrrrr again.

 

He said he understood what my point was and made a few jokes and such and that was it.

 

So yay we finally had a convo where he wasn't angry or I was yelling at him or I was tearing up out of frustration.

 

So we will see what happens.

[PinkInTheLimo]

It could be that this guy liked the flirting as long as you did not became a direct colleague because if you are good at your job he might feel threatened.

 

Why do you put this under Dating anyway? You never went on an actual date with him did you?

 

I would try to look at it in a rational way from a business point of view. I think your emotions get a bit in the way because of the earlier flirting. Forget about that. This guy is not really nice to you. You cannot force him to be nice to you but you can demand from him that he treats you OK from a work point of view. If he leaves you out for meetings and information, he prevents you and the team to perform in an optimal way. Take that up with him in a formal, business-like way. If it continues, inform your hierarchy.

 

Keep a distance and send out a message in your attitude that the flirting is something of the past and that you want a good constructive professional relationship.

 

Keep in mind that there are a lot of male professionals who feel very threatened by female peers at work. It's jealousy plus they have trouble getting used to a female acting just businesslike around them without trying to please them.

[JoeyArnold]

So after work I called him into my office I shut the door and I asked him one simple question: Does anything I do matter to you? Which led to the discussion we had for an hour. Ill spare the details but the gist is: I actually need to talk and solve the problem for me to be able to move on.

Girls are from Venus, men are from Mars. Guys usually talk to solve a problem right away while girls might be more interested in just sharing first. A guy just want to cut to the chase & come up with a solution so that he can get back to the game.

 

I think what you did was really good & strait forward. It took guts but I really hope he can learn how to better communicate with you & be there for you & things like that. I just know that most men are bad at communication & they struggle with talking to women for those very reasons.

[purelydreamt]

@pinkinthelimo

 

Basically back in the day and even now I've always adored him and in a lot of ways it was mutual but the bottom line issue is I know he cares professionally/emotionally and that's great but his actions both professionally and personally contradict it.

 

If he wanted to stop personal contact and keep it all business that's fine but when he sees me talking to male colleagues I see that it affects him. He always interrupts or he keeps saying they bug me.

 

So that's why its been a constant frustration...either he admits he cares show it..or leave me alone and stop getting upset if ppl socialize with me.

 

@joeyarnold

 

Thanks I appreciate the compliment. I'm like a guy in that sense. I like to get to the point solve the problem and move on. I do hope he truly understands my point. I mean he is a very spontaneous on the fly sorta thinker. He even reacts on t he fly and then moves on just as quickly.

 

So today he was more communicative both professionally and personally. Though when I was talking to another male colleague he did the interupting thing but the one positive thing he did was actually include me in the conversation.

 

 

But its not just him that has to work at this. Its me too:

 

To do list for him: needs to include everyone present into the convo..needs to show appreciation equally...needs to be more open and communicative

 

 

To do list for me:

 

1. Be independent - focus not so much on what he doesn't do but appreciate him for what he does right...

 

2. Be more attentive - be more communicative and approachable

 

3. Embrace humor - allow him to be as goofy as he is and laugh at his jokes. Don't be so serious all the time

 

4. Promote mr. Fixit - he loves helping me and being needed....don't turn him down.

 

 

It wasn't just his fault but mine as well. I need to basically appreciate him too and let him be the doofus he is.

[JoeyArnold]

Appreciating humor is vital. I liked that you mentioned that part.

[NXS]

Despite the lack of advice I got here I thought long and hard about this since my original post but last night I finally spoke to him yet again about it. What got me to talk to him about it was yesterday he went to lunch with other people who he hardly ever goes with because his usual people weren't available but never bothered asking me..

 

And then when he got back from his lunch I decided to take mine and when I walked into the caf there he was with one of his male work buddies while they were at their lunch eating in the break room. I knew his buddy was in there and although his work buddy is kind of a douche I was willing to eat with him anyway. But since my coworker (the one who the op is about) was there too I realized id have to eat lunch in my office.

 

My coworker noticed my subtle face reaction and made a jokey comment and then said that I should sit next to him (probably cause he doesn't want me to sit next with his work buddy). I said "no thank you id rather not" and I walked out.

 

I figure why should i: a) he didn't invite me to lunch originally b)even if I sat down he'd 3rd wheel me anyway

 

And plus I was annoyed that he was slackin off for another hour and he just came back from lunch!

 

So after work I called him into my office I shut the door and I asked him one simple question:

 

Does anything I do matter to you?

 

Which led to the discussion we had for an hour. Ill spare the details but the gist is:

 

 

I let him know if I have value to him then he needs to stop 3rd wheeling me at social situations and work related events...if he's annoyed with me he needs to talk to me about it or don't give me attitude if he can't talk about it I don't wanna hear about it from someone else...and definitely don't talk to people like you're happy to see them and only give me a "hey".

 

And throughout the conversation he basically said that he didn't say much anymore because I don't say much to him or look at him and to which I said because of the aforementioned and that if he noticed all that..ask me what's wrong it may be about something tragic in my personal life that maybe talking about would help.

 

He said he's learned along time ago to just let ppl alone so they can eventually move on from it and I said I'm not the same as what you're used to...I actually need to talk and solve the problem for me to be able to move on.

 

And then near the end of the hour long convo I basically said that I don't want him to feel like he's forced to act a certain way but that I hope he understands that if I have value to him like he says I do then treat me like it because I really really do not wanna have this conversation everrrrr again.

 

He said he understood what my point was and made a few jokes and such and that was it.

 

So yay we finally had a convo where he wasn't angry or I was yelling at him or I was tearing up out of frustration.

 

So we will see what happens.

 

It's hard to understand from the OP what's going on here but there's a couple of possibilities.

 

Altough he seemed excited about you moving into his section he was probably secretly dreading it. It's one thing flirting with a co-worker when they are in another section and he could go in and out but it's a different scenario when you're both working in the same section every day. It's too much like mixing business and pleasure, people often have completely different personalities when in work and when out socializing. They can be very serious in work and lighten up a lot outside, so he may be having difficulty trying to balance the two.

 

Is he socially awkward? He may come across as confident but beneath be very shy, especially with women.

 

I think you need more clearly defined boundaries around work and socializing. Having the conversation was a good start, so during work hours be pleasant and work-like. If he's having lunch with his male friends then back off, maybe have lunch with other females in the company or go out to eat. Again try and make clear distinctions between work and flirting.

 

If he's socially awkward then be clear about communication, which you've started with your conversation. Let him know what you expect from him and allow him to do likewise.

[purelydreamt]

Hi nxs thanks for the feedback. To answer your post there is/was several problems.

 

* when I was in a diff dept we were work friends heading towards personal friends. When I got transfered to his dept I got completely neglected. Not only that he always took off to socialize in other departments leaving me alone for hours in our dept. But whenever I was socialized with others for a few minutes he only seemed to have an issue if it was men. So ibarely got to talk to anyone cause he'd always ruin it.

 

So I was upset at him cause if he wasn't neglecting me in the office he was at work events or after work get togethers. He would talk to everyone but me. So I started ignoring him back which he also hated.

 

Anwyay...our talk a few days ago seems to be working unlike previous talks. He's been socializing a lot less and working a lot more. Communication is a lot easier work and personally.

 

The only thing that probably still needs to be worked on is he still doesn't ask me about anything personal... he does with anyone but if our talk is proof of anything its probably cause I don't ask him anything personal anymore.

[NXS]

Hi nxs thanks for the feedback. To answer your post there is/was several problems.

 

* when I was in a diff dept we were work friends heading towards personal friends. When I got transfered to his dept I got completely neglected. Not only that he always took off to socialize in other departments leaving me alone for hours in our dept. But whenever I was socialized with others for a few minutes he only seemed to have an issue if it was men. So ibarely got to talk to anyone cause he'd always ruin it.

 

So I was upset at him cause if he wasn't neglecting me in the office he was at work events or after work get togethers. He would talk to everyone but me. So I started ignoring him back which he also hated.

 

Anwyay...our talk a few days ago seems to be working unlike previous talks. He's been socializing a lot less and working a lot more. Communication is a lot easier work and personally.

 

The only thing that probably still needs to be worked on is he still doesn't ask me about anything personal... he does with anyone but if our talk is proof of anything its probably cause I don't ask him anything personal anymore.

 

Again, your respective roles are all over the place and your posts highlight this. On the one hand you're complaining about his long lunch hours/spending too much time out of the section/lack of work-related communication while on the other hand your complaining about lack of personal time/ignoring you in work-related social events/ignoring you in the canteen.

 

It's not clear if you are potential bf/gf or work colleagues or senior/junior employees. btw who is the more senior employee?

 

Personally, as a man, I wouldn't like to be in the same job as my gf/wife, it would be too much. In a way it would be easier if we started as colleagues and then it organically moved into bf/gf but to be just thrown in together when we were previously bf/gf it would be much more difficult.

 

I think it was a mistake moving into his dept., prior to that you were just potential bf/gf.

[purelydreamt]

I've been there longer but he's more senior responsibility wise. I agree with you the conflict is we have our offices 2 feet from each other. What I pretty much don't get is...we work closely with each other you'd think we'd be around each other more than we are and bond more than we are. If you go to any other department and the people with the biggest bonds are the ones that work closelytogether. Yet it doesn't show in our dept.

 

Like I said..the one thing that is missing is how we used to socialize on a non work level. He doesn't even ask me how my weekend was but he asks others...o

[JoeyArnold]

I'd love to have the same job as a potential GF.

[purelydreamt]

@joeyarnold sarcasm?? LOL

[JoeyArnold]

@joeyarnold sarcasm?? LOL

Not actually sarcasm. I choose to look at things differently. I want to serve my wife. We will be partners. I don't have to have a better job than her. It wouldn't be the end of the world if I married my boss.

[purelydreamt]

people get so hung up on dating a coworker or boss sometimes. Sure there's risks...either you get in trouble for asking someone out or you ask someone out and you two start dating and it doesn't work you fight at work and you both get in trouble.

 

But then there are some of us who have the ability to keep the two "worlds" seperate and if by human nature personal feelings creep into work situations and they argue...some have the ability to discuss it in an adult mature way.

 

With my situation (we aren't dating) though we do argue as if we were I guess for whatever reason but we've always argued after hours after poeple left or in a room with the door shut where you can't really be heard, for all they can see if you and the other person having a meeting.

 

It never affected the way i treated him in front of people, or the way i treated others, or even affected our ability to finish our work on time. If we were mad at each other the way it probably would show was the fact we wouldn't socialize with each other and kept the work talk to a minimum. Not that anyone else would notice it becuase there are so many people in our building who socialize with him or I alot (even when they are supposed to be WORKING) that people wouldn't notice either way.

 

==========================

But so far it's been a week since our talk. Things are great. He communicates well about work topics. When he comes into my office instead of asking a question and then walking away quickly after he gets his answer, he comes in and sits down and talks. He probably also doesn't feel uncomfortable/dread everytime i say we need to talk or we need to have a meeting.

 

With me, I sleep better at night. I don't feel akward approaching him about anything. Things are overall better.

 

Only thing that's missing is the old goofiness that we used to have and I still have this habit of not realizing when he's trying to joke with me until later. I think i've been so used to things being "blah"...that i dont recognize it anymore.

[JoeyArnold]

people get so hung up on dating a coworker or boss sometimes. But then there are some of us who have the ability to keep the two "worlds" separate..........

 

this reminds you of romeo and juliet?