FrustratedStandards Posted January 30, 2012 Share Posted January 30, 2012 (edited) I have been dating this guy for several months now. Lately, however, he has gained a considerable amount of weight. He began hinting that we haven't been having as much sex lately, and the truth is because I am less attracted to him now that he has gained weight. I give hints by offering healthy foods, and I cook him good meals whenever he is over. He often buys tons of crap food, and although I have mentioned that it will only add to his weight and hurt his health, he doesn't listen. (I also don't give him oral sex anymore, because his poor diet has affected his smell. I would love going down on him, and did so very often, but I don't anymore because the smell is just so awful.) Now he has a big belly and I am having trouble sleeping with him. It's a turn off big time. I cant help it. I confessed to him today that the weight he has gained has turned me off. I was gentle with him of course, because I understand that it's a sensitive topic. He was hurt and told me i'm not perfect either. This is true, but when we met he was in good shape. I haven't changed physically since we've met, but he has. Now he has let go. I don't want him to think that im only with him for the physical traits, because it isn't true. He is a wonderful person, and I could write a book about how great he is... I just can't have sex with him anymore. I am becoming repulsed. I don't want to be shallow, but listen, if he's fat then he's fat. And if i'm not attracted to him anymore, then i'm not attracted to him anymore. Is this a bad reason to leave him? I mean, it's not a good one, but what's a relationship without sex or physical chemistry? Edited January 30, 2012 by FrustratedStandards Link to post Share on other sites
Buttercup84 Posted January 30, 2012 Share Posted January 30, 2012 If you want a future with him then I say leave . While being attracted to their personality is very inportant , you have to find them desirable . He will get older and change physically so your love for who he is has to be stronger . There's nothing wrong with how you feel , buy it looks like he does not want to change . Link to post Share on other sites
gaius Posted January 30, 2012 Share Posted January 30, 2012 Leaving your partner because you want to throw up at the thought of having sex with them is never bad. He doesn't seem that interested in bringing himself back in line with his former standards and he'll probably just interpret anymore conversation about it as unhelpful nagging so what else can you really do? He might even use getting dumped as inspiration to get back in shape. You could even get back together again at some point down the road when he's returned to his sexy self. Link to post Share on other sites
Author FrustratedStandards Posted January 30, 2012 Author Share Posted January 30, 2012 I suppose that's true. But I shouldn't have to dump him for him to get back in shape. He should want to stay in relative shape the entire time to avoid this problem to begin with. And it's not just about me. He doesn't like the lack of sex and blow jobs, so it's affecting him indirectly as well. Link to post Share on other sites
kaylan Posted January 30, 2012 Share Posted January 30, 2012 (edited) I have been dating this guy for several months now. Lately, however, he has gained a considerable amount of weight. He began hinting that we haven't been having as much sex lately, and the truth is because I am less attracted to him now that he has gained weight. I give hints by offering healthy foods, and I cook him good meals whenever he is over. He often buys tons of crap food, and although I have mentioned that it will only add to his weight and hurt his health, he doesn't listen. (I also don't give him oral sex anymore, because his poor diet has affected his smell. I would love going down on him, and did so very often, but I don't anymore because the smell is just so awful.) Im surprised at how some people let themselves go when they have been with someone for a while. I never got it. Relationships take work, so why not work on oneself too? Its understandable for someone to be less attracted to the person they are dating when the person they are dating simply changes who they are. Especially when they change in unattractive ways. Weight gain, poor eating habits, and smell are not unreasonable turn offs. Its good you at least tried to politely hint things to him at first. Now he has a big belly and I am having trouble sleeping with him. It's a turn off big time. I cant help it. I confessed to him today that the weight he has gained has turned me off. I was gentle with him of course, because I understand that it's a sensitive topic. He was hurt and told me i'm not perfect either. This is true, but when we met he was in good shape. I haven't changed physically since we've met, but he has. Now he has let go. Yes no one is perfect, but when we date someone, we fall for the person we met. We fall for their emotions, appearance, and their mind. The total package. If someone up and changes dramatically in any of those areas, then itll create a problem. You need to explain to him that emotional, mental, and physical chemistry are all important. If I was dating someone and all of a sudden she became closed off emotionally to me, or we stopped being able to talk to one another, then I would doubt we could last in a relationship. Its no different then if I lost physical attraction to her. All components are important. I don't want him to think that im only with him for the physical traits, because it isn't true. He is a wonderful person, and I could write a book about how great he is... I just can't have sex with him anymore. I am becoming repulsed. I don't want to be shallow, but listen, if he's fat then he's fat. And if i'm not attracted to him anymore, then i'm not attracted to him anymore. Is this a bad reason to leave him? I mean, it's not a good one, but what's a relationship without sex or physical chemistry? You are right. It isnt shallow. As I said above, you need emotional, mental, and physical chemistry to have a happy relationship. We fall for the person we met when dating began, and drastic changes to any of those areas can affect attraction. You need to explain that to him. Its not much different from my ex and I. We had great physical chemistry, and a great mental connection as we could talk about anything, but we fought all the time. That took a strain on our emotional connection and changed the relationship a lot. Sit down and have a talk with him. Offer to hit the gym together. Just be honest. Good Luck Edited January 30, 2012 by kaylan Link to post Share on other sites
Ninjainpajamas Posted January 30, 2012 Share Posted January 30, 2012 Finally, a woman who understands this and just doesn't make it a "male" chauvinist trait. I'm tired of people wanting to get as fat as they possibly can or want in a relationship and then thinking that it's supposed to change nothing. I hate that when people are single they try to be skinny only to get into a relationship and plump up. This isn't ok by me and shouldn't be by you, If you want someone who isn't completely comfortable in rolls and a big sack of a bag like they're going hitchhiking then that's your prerogative. I think furthermore it says something about that person, that they are less in control of their bodies and don't have the self-control to stop themselves from their addiction with food...they'd rather shove their face and expect you to be fine with that If you "love them", it's a such a con and incompatibility. So I more than support your decision to leave this person If it causes that much disgust for you, I don't think it's anyone's responsibility in life to stick around due to principle...not in the capacity of a relationship anyway because that is affecting your life too. Link to post Share on other sites
betterdeal Posted January 30, 2012 Share Posted January 30, 2012 Have you told him, rather than given hints, that if he lost weight you'd be much more sexually attracted to him again? Might be worth a try. Not throwing the baby out with the bathwater and all that... Link to post Share on other sites
bigmomma1974 Posted January 30, 2012 Share Posted January 30, 2012 Just sit him down and tell him what you just typed here. THen go from there. I myself has gained alot of weight since my hubby and I got together but mineis health issues and meds. If you cant be honest with him and tell him straight up, then end it and move on. Talk to him, maybe something is going wrong and eating junk food is helping him. Link to post Share on other sites
gaius Posted January 30, 2012 Share Posted January 30, 2012 I suppose that's true. But I shouldn't have to dump him for him to get back in shape. He should want to stay in relative shape the entire time to avoid this problem to begin with. And it's not just about me. He doesn't like the lack of sex and blow jobs, so it's affecting him indirectly as well. Indeed he should. I don't know, maybe once he gets over the sting of you bringing it up to his face he'll realize he's in the wrong and change his diet. His actions so far don't seem hopeful though. Link to post Share on other sites
ascendotum Posted January 30, 2012 Share Posted January 30, 2012 (edited) No I don't think you are a bad person to want to leave him over weight gain...assuming he has entered fatty land and is not just chubby...and as long as you have laid it on the line to him what you have said here and not just given subtle hints by dishing up meals with lots of veges or by skipping the BJs. I have had overweight GFs and my desire to want to jump them diminished with the added kgs, but I never thought this...'I am becoming repulsed' while also thinking this 'I could write a book about how great he is'. I understand where you are coming from but gee talk about a contrast, especially within just a few months. As a few others have said, sit him down and clue him up. I'm surprised it didn't become a topic kicked off by him, when the BJs disappeared off the menu. Its likely going to be a sensitive topic to discuss, and he'll get defensive and may even try to guilt you into accepting him being overweight if he makes some token effort to cut down on the junk food, but ultimately a bunch of words are not going to overturn our innate turn-ons/offs. There may be a contributing factor for the junk food & over eating, like work stress which may not be ongoing, but I would have thought he would have highlighted this if he was at all self concious of his physique. But I shouldn't have to dump him for him to get back in shape Absolutley not. It shouldn't come down to that, because odds are this situation will repeat down the track. I hate that when people are single they try to be skinny only to get into a relationship and plump up. It happens a fair bit. With some pretty much just after the relationship goes from casual to commited, mission accomplished, you now love me for who I am. Edited January 30, 2012 by ascendotum Link to post Share on other sites
EnigmaticClarity Posted January 30, 2012 Share Posted January 30, 2012 Now he has a big belly and I am having trouble sleeping with him. It's a turn off big time. I cant help it. I confessed to him today that the weight he has gained has turned me off. I was gentle with him of course, because I understand that it's a sensitive topic. He was hurt and told me i'm not perfect either. This is true, but when we met he was in good shape. I haven't changed physically since we've met, but he has. Now he has let go. You've only been dating him a few months...how much weight has he put on in such a short period of time? He must have already been minorly obese or close to it. He hinted that you're "not perfect"--what does that mean? What were your relative sizes to each other when you met, as in how overweight were you both? Link to post Share on other sites
zengirl Posted January 30, 2012 Share Posted January 30, 2012 You have only been dating a few months, so I don't think it's any big deal to break up with someone for any reason, including this one. However, I find it odd that the amount of weight someone could put on in a few months would turn you off. Something to consider when finding a partner, maybe, or perhaps this guy just wasn't really truly attractive enough to begin with. I don't get how he went from 'good shape' to gross in a few months. I can imagine a guy getting a beer belly or something in that time, but if the attraction was truly there -- and more than ONLY physical -- I don't think that'd be huge issue. I just couldn't imagine stopping sex with hubby because he gained 10-20 lbs. Maybe 100 or something would put a problem in our sex life, but you cannot gain 100 lbs in a few months or even a year unless something is REALLY wrong. I suggest not considering a relationship serious unless you know you are willing to deal with some physical changes over time; otherwise, you're set up for disappointment. But that's no reason to stay in this one! Link to post Share on other sites
maybealone Posted January 30, 2012 Share Posted January 30, 2012 I'd think about whether or not there is more to this than just the weight gain. My guess is that you take care of yourself, and so you expect the person you are with to take care of himself too. In that case, it's more than just "He gained weight." It's about being compatible in how you feel about yourselves and about wanting to be healthy. For example, I think it can be difficult for someone who exercises regularly and eats healthy to have a LTR with someone who watches TV all day and only gets up to refill the chip and dip bowls and grab another beer, no matter how great that guy might be otherwise. Link to post Share on other sites
EnigmaticClarity Posted January 30, 2012 Share Posted January 30, 2012 My guess is that you take care of yourself, and so you expect the person you are with to take care of himself too. Maybe, but we can't tell because of his "you're not perfect, either" comment that she agreed with. I can't tell if she was bigger than him when they first met and is alarmed he's gotten up to her size--which would be hypocritical--or she's significantly smaller than him and she's just being humble or hypercritical in referring to her "imperfection." If he has ALWAYS been bigger than her, then that "you're not perfect" comment was really a dick thing for him to say. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted January 30, 2012 Share Posted January 30, 2012 If reading this thread is indicative of the general perspective of the OP, I would suggest to politely end this apparently unhealthy dynamic now. Link to post Share on other sites
Dust Posted January 30, 2012 Share Posted January 30, 2012 I could see myself still being attracted to a girl who I started dating at one weight and then she got fat. But... if I lost attraction I would have to end the relationship eventually. He should just want to be healthy. The world we live in promotes sedentary life style and the consumption of fatty, salty, sweet highly processed foods. He's losing the battle. No need to blame him or get mad at him. Just leave him if this doesn't change. You've done everything you could including talk to him. Not suprising it isn't working. Don't feel bad if you have to leave him. Link to post Share on other sites
maybealone Posted January 30, 2012 Share Posted January 30, 2012 Maybe, but we can't tell because of his "you're not perfect, either" comment that she agreed with. I can't tell if she was bigger than him when they first met and is alarmed he's gotten up to her size--which would be hypocritical--or she's significantly smaller than him and she's just being humble or hypercritical in referring to her "imperfection." If he has ALWAYS been bigger than her, then that "you're not perfect" comment was really a dick thing for him to say. She did say that she hasn't changed physically since they met. The "you're not perfect" comment struck me as more of a, "I gained weight, but you leave dirty dishes lying around, so we're even" kind of a thing. If reading this thread is indicative of the general perspective of the OP, I would suggest to politely end this apparently unhealthy dynamic now. That does sound like my original thought might be right -- she takes care of herself and wants someone who takes care of himself. Nothing wrong with that, in my opinion. Also, sexy is very subjective. There are men that I find incredibly sexy that a lot of women think are just average looking. Link to post Share on other sites
Jane2011 Posted January 30, 2012 Share Posted January 30, 2012 If I had been dating him for about three months and liked him a lot, I'd probably give it about a month (with conversations about it, offers to hit the gym together, etc.) and see if he changes or indicates willingness to change. At that point, if he still seems like he's not going to work on himself, I might say I want to see other people. I work out a lot, myself, and practice portion control. I also tend to be more mindful about exercise, controlled eating, and looks...when I'm dating someone or in a relationship, not less so. I want my partner to feel like he has something good (in all ways, but including the physical). Link to post Share on other sites
USMCHokie Posted January 30, 2012 Share Posted January 30, 2012 If I had been dating him for about three months and liked him a lot, I'd probably give it about a month (with conversations about it, offers to hit the gym together, etc.) and see if he changes or indicates willingness to change. At that point, if he still seems like he's not going to work on himself, I might say I want to see other people. I don't think I would have even let it get that far... Link to post Share on other sites
ffw Posted January 30, 2012 Share Posted January 30, 2012 OP, I remember you from your previous threads. Since looks & financial stability matters to you a lot, probably leaving will be the best choice for you & him. Why don't you date some one from sports & other fields that maintain their physique as well as earn good money? Link to post Share on other sites
azsinglegal Posted January 30, 2012 Share Posted January 30, 2012 How much weight gain are we talking here? 20lbs? 30lbs? 50lbs? For me, it would depend. I can handle a little bit as I know folks get comfortable. But a significant amount of weight gain would be a huge turn off for me. Especially if it got in the way of sex. I dated a guy before who put on 60lbs and his belly was so in the way we could only have sex doggy style. For me, that was a deal breaker. To the OP, do you work out? Could you maybe start a routine together? If you want it to work, you need to talk to him and work something out together. Not address it as "you've put on weight and that's why I don't want to have sex with you". Men are VERY sensitive about not being attractive and have their egos hurt easily. Why is he gaining weight? Did something change? Is he depressed? Is he more stressed? Eating worse? Lots of reasons folks put on weight. I know if my current BF quit working out and put on weight it would be a deal breaker for me. But mostly because it's the #1 thing we have in common together. Our love of fitness and muscle building holds us together. It drives us to be bigger and stronger. We push each other like no one else does. If we lost that, our relationship would be totally out of balance. Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted January 30, 2012 Share Posted January 30, 2012 You have only been dating a few months, so I don't think it's any big deal to break up with someone for any reason, including this one. However, I find it odd that the amount of weight someone could put on in a few months would turn you off. Something to consider when finding a partner, maybe, or perhaps this guy just wasn't really truly attractive enough to begin with. I don't get how he went from 'good shape' to gross in a few months. I can imagine a guy getting a beer belly or something in that time, but if the attraction was truly there -- and more than ONLY physical -- I don't think that'd be huge issue. I just couldn't imagine stopping sex with hubby because he gained 10-20 lbs. Maybe 100 or something would put a problem in our sex life, but you cannot gain 100 lbs in a few months or even a year unless something is REALLY wrong. I suggest not considering a relationship serious unless you know you are willing to deal with some physical changes over time; otherwise, you're set up for disappointment. But that's no reason to stay in this one! Second this. But given her thread that carhill linked to, I'm frankly not terribly surprised. Link to post Share on other sites
azsinglegal Posted January 30, 2012 Share Posted January 30, 2012 Second this. But given her thread that carhill linked to, I'm frankly not terribly surprised. I know, I forgot she was the gold digger. Link to post Share on other sites
Mme. Chaucer Posted January 30, 2012 Share Posted January 30, 2012 Is he a competitive eater or something? It's amazing that a man could go from almost perfect to revoltingly fat in 3 short months; not to mention completely turning around all of his eating habits. Anyway, it's time for you to move on towards the man you really deserve. Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted January 30, 2012 Share Posted January 30, 2012 I know, I forgot she was the gold digger. ROFL. I would not call her a gold-digger, but if I were a man I would be avoiding her ilk like the plague. ...I already do as a woman, but fortunately I'm not lesbian. Link to post Share on other sites
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