About, 3 weeks ago I posted a thread here regarding my feelings towards my roommates.
In a nutshell, we moved in together (I am a 27 y/o male, she's a little younger) about a year ago with another girl who went to my school. We both interned together a few years back but didn't really keep in contact until we both needed a roommate.
I found out that we have a whole lot in common and we basically instantly clicked, but in a way far superior than anything else. While for the longest time I was seeing other girls and she was also out and about, in the last two months I realized that I am interested in her more than anyone else. Just to clarify, on a daily basis we walk to work together, chat all day, come back home and then hang out.
I was really hesitant about making a move because I wasn't sure it's the right thing to do, her being my roommate and all, but I just couldn't bare not telling her.
3 weeks ago I went on a 10-day vacation, and even then we talked all the time.
So I got back and again, we both continued to be very close. On New Years Eve we all got pretty drunk and at about 4am when we all got home, we were hanging out in the living room and when a mutual friend of ours went to the bathroom, I got up and kissed her. She kissed me back. It lasted a few seconds because our friend got out of the bathroom and that was that.
We didn't really talk about it after, but I knew she remembered, I just tried to figure out what to do next. On Wednesday night, my other roommate was gone, and we cooked dinner together. We ended up talking from about 8pm until 1am, and finished 3 bottles of wine (oops).
We decided to watch a movie together, and i wrapped my arm around her, and she kind of hugged me back but then freaked out a little, said she has to go to bed and went to her room. I decided it's now or never for me, and went to her room.
I got in, sat on her bed and asked her if she remembers NYE. She said yes. I asked her if she remembers me kissing her on NYE. She said yes. I told her that I wasn't that drunk, and that I don't take it back, I only kinda had to be drunk to have the guts to do it. She smiled and I kissed her again. We made out for a little bit but I tried to hold myself, the whole situation just seemed surreal (still does). At one point we side tracked and talked about other stuff, I ended up staying in her bed until about 6 am (we fell asleep), then went to my room.
The following day was kinda business as-usual for us. Still no reference to what happened the night before. Last night we were both alone at home, and once again spent it talking (only with one bottle of wine this time).
I decided to address the night before and said "about last night," to which she said "I'm not sure I can make a decision right now." I told her that I never asked her to make a decision nor do I want her to. But I did ask her out on a real date next week (she has a family emergency and had to go home for the weekend). She smiled and agreed.
Now I need to figure out how I take my roommate on a real date. I don't even know where to start.
In addition, she still seems hesitant about the whole thing. She only gives me hugs and not trying to kiss, and gets really startled when we talk about it. So I have to deal with hoping she's not playing along because she feels sorry for me or something.
But at least I know I did something, which absolutely had to happened.
If you have any insights I'm glad to read!
I'm not sure how old you are but your lack of assertiveness and sentimentality to all of this could have her worried about taking steps with you. I didn't read your former post but as a man you need to retain some aggressiveness, abrasiveness and a little indifference to everything that is happening.
You're coming off too easy to read and a little too much of an open book. Be more confident in yourself and in your moves, stop looking for reassurance and confirmation that you're making the right steps, that's not the kind of guy you want to be, women don't like that insecurity.
Don't be overtly attentive or interested, she probably doesn't want to end up in a situation where you are all over her...needy and clingy, emotionally wrapped into her.
You should have already made a move before this, and remained confident and poised. Don't exhibit gestures that imply a lack of confidence, go on with your life, remain busy or unaffected, don't be mushy and clingy...now is the time to remain distanced so that she doesn't feel too smothered and then when it's your time to act or be aggressive you should.
Surprise her with your actions, maybe surprise her with a date at home...trick her or show her there's some competence to you that you know how to treat her or be unpredictable, don't be such a straight shooter and think outside the box. Take her somewhere she isn't expecting for a date otherwise.
The way I see it is that she probably really doesn't want a relationship right now but is finding you're presence in her life challenging. If she were really into it with you, you guys would have make out like crazy and balled. But she's ambivalent--she likes you enough to get close and not want to hurt your feelings by rejecting you outright which is a decent thing for your ego that says you're not a turn off, but her signs of giving into to physical affection are retrained and just very "human" in that it's great to be touched or held (if not more) at some point. She holds all the cards though and she's betting with pennies instead of dollars. If you can continue with that and keep yourself from losing your marbles and insisting on a statement of commitment, she might ease into a relationship as she challenges her own long term goals and beliefs and measures what you might mean. I hope the date goes well for you but keep your expectations low and just hope for the best. I think the date should be pretty telling. PS: If she comes up with an excuse to bail out, take that as your answer that she thinks a relationship with you is a complication she doesn't want to steer her off the path she has set for herself. Good luck.
A. It seems like you're overanalyzing stuff with her with the "About last night" type of talks. I think in this case, a little less conversation about what's happening would be preferable. Actions will speak louder than words.
B. Even though she's kissed you and allowed you in somewhat, her reaction suggests she's on the fence about things rather than 100 percent on board. Whether she's anxious about losing the friendship, or she's scared of what this might mean for her living situation...or she's just not into you in that way... you will have to find out. Again, overtalking things is not going to be the way to determine that. You'll see pretty soon through the date and her behavior around you how she really feels. If she's cagey and reluctant, you're going to have to back off.
Here are some updates, in case you were wondering:
It's been about 3 weeks since the first time we kissed and while things are going really slow, they are constantly on a move upward.
I started taking her out on dates and we spend almost all day and all night talking. We end the night with a kiss and that's it for now.
A few nights ago I spent the night in her bed and we were making out but I feel like it is still very delicate so we haven't done much more than that, though we could have. I am really trying to make her feel like she can trust me to not take advantage of her or anything like that.
It hasn't been easy mostly because it generally is being kept a secret. Our other roommate knows because she caught us but we haven't addressed that or talked to her about it the two of us.
I thought about opening the subject because I wasn't sure, but I really feel like right now just letting things go the way they are is the right move, and if something changes then we'll see.
I know she has feelings for me too, as a good friend of hers told me. I know that this situation in limbo can't remain like that forever, but I am happy for now, and I think she is too.
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