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Guys - what behaviors do you consider needy / clingy?


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Old 16th December 2011, 12:29 AM   #1
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Guys - what behaviors do you consider needy / clingy?

I'm in a new thing with a sweet man - it's been about 6 weeks now that we've been seeing each other regularly, although I've known him since last May. Last week we had a misunderstanding in which I didn't communicate things clearly (and I honestly thought it was over), but we talked and reconciled and things are much better now. Things have developed physically a lot faster than I would have liked, but I do think it can work out. We have great chemistry, a similar sense of humor, and just seem to "get" each other generally.

We are both in our 30's and single parents with demanding jobs and unusual personal issues. Ideally, we'd both like to just get together a couple times a week and keep things light and fun, as there are circumstances in our lives that make giving a lot emotionally to another person very difficult - at least for now.

I only really know where my own head is, as I don't like to pry too much, but I think he and I struggle with similar issues. His oldest son died less than two years ago at the age of 17 in a car accident. He seems to have taken positive measures to grieve in a healthy manner. That said, I'm sure he struggles with depression and fear. I was severely abused as a child and also struggle with depression and fears of abandonment. I've been in therapy for a while now and have made a lot of progress.

Sorry for the long back story. Here's the main issue: I tend to be needy and demanding in relationships because I am afraid of being abandoned. I like to be reassured that things are going well. These days I know I need to focus more on improving my self-esteem and not crossing boundaries because I feel insecure - things like contacting / texting too much, etc, in order to have a healthy relationship.

My question for the guys out there is what sort of "red flags" indicate that a girl is needy / clingy / demanding? What behaviors are inappropriate and freak you out or make you feel smothered?
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Old 16th December 2011, 1:37 AM   #2
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I think the first thing you should do is stop worrying and be yourself.

For me, it becomes clingy when the girl starts creating drama out of nothing.

For example, it's Friday night and you've spent everyday with your SO and your buddies want to go out and have a guys night. So, you call your GF like most good men do, let her know you're thinking of her and tell her your plans for the night.

Now, most girls would be cool with their BF going out, but the clingy ones will start an argument. My EX would say things like "you don't spent enough time with me", or "you don't love me anymore".

So, instead of respecting my space, she would become clingy and push me away with her irrational arguments. That is CLINGY. It proved she couldn't be alone, and was insecure. And MEN notice this.

In my humble opinion, GUYS love ATTENTION. We want all your attention, so don't hold back in that regard.

Last thing I would add, would be the obvious clingy girls who call constantly
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Old 16th December 2011, 3:11 AM   #3
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Red flags of a clingy women include, but are not limited to:

--calling constantly.
--starting arguments for no reason.
--getting hostile toward any woman who is friendly toward me.
--always want me to reassure her I have feelings for her.
--wanting to communicate every day.
--obsessive-compulsive behavior.
--never is satisfied with her looks.
--going through my private things to make sure I'm faithful.
--always wanting to chit-chat even when I'm busy and getting mad when I say I'm too busy to chit-chat.
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Old 16th December 2011, 5:23 AM   #4
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Quote:
Originally Posted by makelemonade1974 View Post
I'm in a new thing with a sweet man - it's been about 6 weeks now that we've been seeing each other regularly, although I've known him since last May. Last week we had a misunderstanding in which I didn't communicate things clearly (and I honestly thought it was over), but we talked and reconciled and things are much better now. Things have developed physically a lot faster than I would have liked, but I do think it can work out. We have great chemistry, a similar sense of humor, and just seem to "get" each other generally.

We are both in our 30's and single parents with demanding jobs and unusual personal issues. Ideally, we'd both like to just get together a couple times a week and keep things light and fun, as there are circumstances in our lives that make giving a lot emotionally to another person very difficult - at least for now.

I only really know where my own head is, as I don't like to pry too much, but I think he and I struggle with similar issues. His oldest son died less than two years ago at the age of 17 in a car accident. He seems to have taken positive measures to grieve in a healthy manner. That said, I'm sure he struggles with depression and fear. I was severely abused as a child and also struggle with depression and fears of abandonment. I've been in therapy for a while now and have made a lot of progress.

Sorry for the long back story. Here's the main issue: I tend to be needy and demanding in relationships because I am afraid of being abandoned. I like to be reassured that things are going well. These days I know I need to focus more on improving my self-esteem and not crossing boundaries because I feel insecure - things like contacting / texting too much, etc, in order to have a healthy relationship.

My question for the guys out there is what sort of "red flags" indicate that a girl is needy / clingy / demanding? What behaviors are inappropriate and freak you out or make you feel smothered?
Hey makelemonade1974,

Things that I find clingy/demanding:

calling or texting me all the time
asking where I am every now and then why girls already know
getting asked to go home when I'm out with buddies
when the girl makes me tag along and watch her shop all day long
doubting me when I'm having a conversation with a long-time female friend
asking who I'm texting or who I'm calling

You need to let the guy know how you feel. You also have to learn to develop trust and give a little breathing room for him.

Max
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Old 16th December 2011, 6:21 AM   #5
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Oxy Moronovich View Post
Red flags of a clingy women include, but are not limited to:

--calling constantly.
--starting arguments for no reason.
--getting hostile toward any woman who is friendly toward me.
--always want me to reassure her I have feelings for her.
--wanting to communicate every day.
--obsessive-compulsive behavior.
--never is satisfied with her looks.
--going through my private things to make sure I'm faithful.
--always wanting to chit-chat even when I'm busy and getting mad when I say I'm too busy to chit-chat.
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Originally Posted by YaOldBuckaroo View Post
--calling or texting me all the time
--asking where I am every now and then why girls already know
--getting asked to go home when I'm out with buddies
--when the girl makes me tag along and watch her shop all day long
--doubting me when I'm having a conversation with a long-time female friend
--asking who I'm texting or who I'm calling
--seeking other men to have a (flirty ?) conversation with, when the boyfriend is unavailable, just to gain reassurance.

--pushing the blame onto others, or diverting away blame from herself, or ignoring being truly at fault for relationship problems, due to low self esteem.

--pretending to possess admirable and desired traits, qualities in a relationship.

--could be quite or very defensive about various issues about herself.

Last edited by LZ2000; 16th December 2011 at 6:24 AM..
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Old 16th December 2011, 12:50 PM   #6
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Originally Posted by Lowib View Post

For example, it's Friday night and you've spent everyday with your SO and your buddies want to go out and have a guys night. So, you call your GF like most good men do, let her know you're thinking of her and tell her your plans for the night.

Now, most girls would be cool with their BF going out, but the clingy ones will start an argument. My EX would say things like "you don't spent enough time with me", or "you don't love me anymore".
This is the perfect example and the first thing that came to mind. I went through similar head games although they were more subtle; when I had plans to do things my children for instance it was "I want you to have time with them, go enjoy yourself!"

But the time would come around and I would get these little passive aggressive messages like "Guess I will just sit here by myself" or get these barrages of texts when she knew I was trying to spend time with them, then getting upset when I didnt respond right away.

The bottom line is, if you trust him and really want him to have some space then follow that up with action. Or in some cases, no action at all; let him have his time without guilt trips or pestering. And of course expect the same in return.
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Old 16th December 2011, 2:06 PM   #7
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Here are some from my experience:

Insisting on regimented contact, gets upset if she doesn't get a morning/evening call every day.

Too much texting, gets upset if I don't return her texts quickly, even when working.

Constantly trying to assess whether I am "into her" enough or not, especially when I am being attentive, passionate, giving little gifts, taking her out regularly, etc.

Having an obvious agenda of exactly how and when the relationship should progress, gets upset if things don't progress exactly as she wants, doesn't give a single thought to my feelings on the matter.

Resenting my friends, family, hobbies, work, social life generally. Expects the relationship to be my entire life as opposed to a healthy part of it.

Drops absurd, unwarranted, fishing "bombs" like "You aren't just using me for sex are you?" "You seem distant lately," " after significant time of my being a good, attentive, exclusive BF. Needs constant reaffirmation of my feelings and attempts to get affirmation in a manipulative way.

Gets upset and pouty if left alone longer than a half hour in social situations where we both know the people and are both comfortable in the environment.

Gets upset and pouty if not complimented enough.

Those are most of the main ones I don't like off the top of my head. Good luck with your new relationship!
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Old 16th December 2011, 2:23 PM   #8
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Yay! Lemonade is back!

It's like an early Christmas present.
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Old 16th December 2011, 4:57 PM   #9
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The kiss of death is when the women tends to draw her own conclusions (always negative) instead of keeping an open mind and communicating directly to find out what she needs to know. KISS OF DEATH. Some women think "I shouldn't have to ask" but the fact is that each person is a unique individual and does not get the universal playbook of perfect responsiveness imprinted into their minds. They need to be learned and discovered and given some faith and asked. Then it starts to settle in what to expect and what is normal for this person. Most decent people try to be communicative and responsive but there are bound to be differences. If the woman has a history of avoiding direct communication and expecting that to be uncomfortable, that's when negative conclusions start and conflicts ensue. It gets very tiresome to a man to have to try to keep undoing a negative perception that treats him other than what and who he really is. I've seen this in every relationship I've been in and I have a limited tolerance level for it. I'm not every man including their father who has done them wrong--I can only answer for myself.
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Old 16th December 2011, 5:56 PM   #10
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- Calling too much
- Getting mad if I don't call enough
- Not having friends of your her own
- Getting mad if I spend time with my friends instead of her
- Wanting to tag along when it is just guys
- Making dinner plans without asking if I am free
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Old 17th December 2011, 11:08 AM   #11
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Originally Posted by EasyHeart View Post
Yay! Lemonade is back!

It's like an early Christmas present.
Merry Christmas!
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Old 17th December 2011, 11:21 AM   #12
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Originally Posted by Feelin Frisky View Post
The kiss of death is when the women tends to draw her own conclusions (always negative) instead of keeping an open mind and communicating directly to find out what she needs to know. KISS OF DEATH. Some women think "I shouldn't have to ask" but the fact is that each person is a unique individual and does not get the universal playbook of perfect responsiveness imprinted into their minds. They need to be learned and discovered and given some faith and asked. Then it starts to settle in what to expect and what is normal for this person. Most decent people try to be communicative and responsive but there are bound to be differences. If the woman has a history of avoiding direct communication and expecting that to be uncomfortable, that's when negative conclusions start and conflicts ensue. It gets very tiresome to a man to have to try to keep undoing a negative perception that treats him other than what and who he really is. I've seen this in every relationship I've been in and I have a limited tolerance level for it. I'm not every man including their father who has done them wrong--I can only answer for myself.
This is an informative post. But if you know this has happened in every relationship, have you figured out the things to show the woman you're with that might prompt her to more direct communication? Just curious since you're aware enough to see that women do this.
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Old 17th December 2011, 11:53 AM   #13
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Clingy is flipping out when the guy doesn't call you for a few hours; having a fit when he wants to see his family or guy friends; wanting to text, talk on the phone and hear from your SO 24/7; Getting Jealous of every friend he has; wanting to see him everyday; not giving space or respecting his space, etc.
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Old 17th December 2011, 12:24 PM   #14
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Originally Posted by Feelin Frisky View Post
If the woman has a history of avoiding direct communication and expecting that to be uncomfortable, that's when negative conclusions start and conflicts ensue.
Quite true. I love these sentences of yours. Exactly worded out my suspicions.
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Old 17th December 2011, 1:54 PM   #15
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This is an informative post. But if you know this has happened in every relationship, have you figured out the things to show the woman you're with that might prompt her to more direct communication? Just curious since you're aware enough to see that women do this.
Yes. To disengage completely from contentiousness whenever it starts so that she's left realizing the problem began and ends with her (if she's not a hopeless emotional wreck). It's a mine field trying to not be manipulated into appearing an aggressor with some women, so defending myself when I wasn't wrong in the first place just makes me sound aggressive and tends to confirm that I'm just the offender she assumed me to be. I will not be the one to take us needlessly into negativity and doubt. I don't think one can intellectualize this and negotiate it. It has to be proven in action with my own emotional control. There's only hope if she's the learning type that will question herself.

Last edited by Feelin Frisky; 17th December 2011 at 2:06 PM..
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