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My boyfriend's friend put down what I was wearing


GG3

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One of the many issues my boyfriend and I have had in the last 5 years is that his friends don't respect me. You could say they don't respect very many people that is not in their little clique. And my boyfriend doesn't stand up for me or ever validate my feelings. Most outsiders think they are a selfish little group. We went to dinner with them tonight, my boyfriend and I and two other couples. The two other couples were on their way to a Christmas party. Everyone was wearing jeans. The other two women were wearing sparkly shirts. The guys wore very casual shirts. I had on a black shirt. I had actually planned to wear a long sleaved nicer shirt, but mistakenly didn't pack it. I live an hour away and packed a bag to stay with my boyfriend for the weekend. My makeup and hair looked nice.

 

Towards the end of the gathering, one of the guys said, "That's like saying (my name) looks good tonight." The entire table got quiet. One of the women's mouths dropped. Of course I asked, "Did you really mean that?" He said, "This group says things like that to each other." I said, "So my feelings don't matter?" Both of of the women said they would be upset if anyone said that to them. The women asked that we all go to the bathroom together. The guy's wife told me, "Sometimes he puts his foot in his mouth. Don't let it bother you." The other wife told me "We would both be upset if anyone said that to us, don't get us wrong. But sometimes you are a little sensitive." I told her that was enough and walked out.

 

I came back outside. My boyfriend could tell I wasn't happy and we left. Of course he took their side. He said I should have taken it with a grain of salt. He says I don't even try to get along with his friends. This isn't true. I have taken this kind of treatment from his friends for years. I feel that if he had simply told his friends to please not say rude things like that to me, his friends would eventually respect me more. I do not think they would be mad at him or take it badly. But he never does, and they never seem to gain respect for me. When we got home, I was asked to sleep on the couch. No empathy. No "that was kind of sh*tty." No consideration for my feelings. And no I did not blow up or say anything rude to his friends. What I typed here is what was said.

 

I gathered my things and left. Some of their comments in the past have been calling me dumb or not as smart. (I am an engineer by the way) I am the youngest amongst them, I do not know if that has anything to do with this issue. Or the fact that I tend to be considered "very nice." Perhaps I am just a doormat to them.

 

On my way home, the guy that made the comment texted me that he was very sorry and "this groups disses on each other like that." I appreciate the apology and care, but I really don't think anyone should be justifying their behavior. It's not acceptable and it's not how I wish to be treated. And I feel they need to start respecting that.

 

Does anyone else read this and think "Gosh what a bunch of A-holes?"

 

Also, one of the wives will write me I am sure. I have an opportunity to say something here and try to make them understand that I need to be respected and that it is not okay with me to just say whatever insulting thing you feel like and brush it off. (This is not a one time incident. It has happened a lot over the years.) Anyone have any suggestions?

 

And man do I feel crappy now. I wonder, "Did I really look bad?" Wow. I feel really paranoid about how I dress now and wonder if I really look like crap.

 

As for me and my boyfriend, I am willing to not see him anymore over this. I at least expect my boyfriend to be a friend to me and say something to his friends, or at least in private validate my feelings. I'm tired of this sort of thing.

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You have every right to feel very upset about it!! They are a bunch of jerks! :mad: :mad: :mad: :mad:

 

And your boyfriend is more than lame!! :mad: :mad:

 

There are certainly people who know each other so well, that they make jokes that can sound pretty rough to someone on the outside, but since these people are good friends and there's lot of trust, it's ok. You never do that with people who are not your best buddies though or with people who are a bit on the sensitive side.

 

Having said all that, that kind of comment that the guy made the other night, was just unacceptable. I've seen guys talk like that when they were having fun and talking nonsense, but it's always very clear that it was just a game and they were playing it rough. I've never seen a guy say something like that to a girl in jest. I think they instinctively know that even if she is a great buddy, she is still a woman and you just don't say stuff like that to her.

 

The reaction of the wives also clearly indicated that the guy's behavior could not be considered as joking anymore. Your boyfriend knew that as well, but he was too much of a coward to stand up for you. I'd move on. A guy who does not stand up for his girlfriend, is not worth having around. In a boyfriend, I'd consider this a very serious character flaw and a dealbreaker. No buts and ifs.

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You have every right to feel very upset about it!! They are a bunch of jerks! :mad: :mad: :mad: :mad:

 

And your boyfriend is more than lame!! :mad: :mad:

 

There are certainly people who know each other so well, that they make jokes that can sound pretty rough to someone on the outside, but since these people are good friends and there's lot of trust, it's ok. You never do that with people who are not your best buddies though or with people who are a bit on the sensitive side.

 

Having said all that, that kind of comment that the guy made the other night, was just unacceptable. I've seen guys talk like that when they were having fun and talking nonsense, but it's always very clear that it was just a game and they were playing it rough. I've never seen a guy say something like that to a girl in jest. I think they instinctively know that even if she is a great buddy, she is still a woman and you just don't say stuff like that to her.

 

The reaction of the wives also clearly indicated that the guy's behavior could not be considered as joking anymore. Your boyfriend knew that as well, but he was too much of a coward to stand up for you. I'd move on. A guy who does not stand up for his girlfriend, is not worth having around. In a boyfriend, I'd consider this a very serious character flaw and a dealbreaker. No buts and ifs.

 

Thank you. I completely agree. I really wanted to hear what this sounded like to someone on the outside.

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Thank you. I completely agree. I really wanted to hear what this sounded like to someone on the outside.

Seriously, it was cruel what he said. And he knew he had crossed a line and that's why he apologized (doesn't matter that it might have been his wife who pushed him to do it). The really bad thing is, is that you boyfriend doesn't see it like that. The jerk recognizes that he behaved like a jerk, but your boyfriend is unable to see it. My other theory is, he actually knew he acted like a coward, felt embarrassed about it and then put the blame on you (telling you to sleep on the couch). I have seen men do that a couple of times.

 

If this has been going on for years, it's time to leave. Be nice to yourself and leave these negative people who gnaw on your self-esteem. There are much nicer people out there. :)

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I am so sorry this happened to you. You really seem like a genuine, nice person and definitely don't deserve it. My advice to you would be to leave your boyfriend. Don't take his calls or even speak to him. Let him realize that you are not a doormat.

 

In the meantime, sometimes mean comments can have some truth to them? I am not saying you didn't look nice. I am sure you did but perhaps, you can step it up a little or revamp a few things in your wardrobe- for you, not for anyone else. If that's not the case, and they were genuinely being mean, then more reason to never be around them again.

 

I would never put myself in that situation where people would make me uncomfortable.

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I came back outside. My boyfriend could tell I wasn't happy and we left. Of course he took their side. He said I should have taken it with a grain of salt. He says I don't even try to get along with his friends. This isn't true. I have taken this kind of treatment from his friends for years. I feel that if he had simply told his friends to please not say rude things like that to me, his friends would eventually respect me more. I do not think they would be mad at him or take it badly. But he never does, and they never seem to gain respect for me.

 

Some of their comments in the past have been calling me dumb or not as smart. (I am an engineer by the way) I am the youngest amongst them, I do not know if that has anything to do with this issue. Or the fact that I tend to be considered "very nice." Perhaps I am just a doormat to them.

This guy's "friends" not only don't respect you...they clearly don't respect him either. Otherwise, the wouldn't be insulting his girlfriend right in front of him. Moreover, this guy is a doormat to them as much as you are a doormat to him. Apparently, fitting in with this group is very important to your BF. Your best course of action would be to remove yourself from this toxic environment completely.

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Disenchantedly Yours

You're boyfriend let you be insulted while he stood by. I would have been really upset too. It sounds like some of the women where trying to smooth things over like some of the guys. They were trying to quite you while they should have been saying something to the smarta$$. This has been going on for years. If you stay with this man, be prepared for it to continue.

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On my way home, the guy that made the comment texted me that he was very sorry and "this groups disses on each other like that." I appreciate the apology and care, but I really don't think anyone should be justifying their behavior. It's not acceptable and it's not how I wish to be treated. And I feel they need to start respecting that.

 

If that is really the way the group is, then they'd probably LOVE it if you would bust on the guy right back. That can be a fun :D "That would be like saying [his name] has a big ****" ;)

 

But it doesn't sound like that's you, and that's ok.

 

Also, one of the wives will write me I am sure. I have an opportunity to say something here and try to make them understand that I need to be respected and that it is not okay with me to just say whatever insulting thing you feel like and brush it off. (This is not a one time incident. It has happened a lot over the years.) Anyone have any suggestions?.

 

You don't have to explain anything to the wife. She didn't say it. I'd just say that this is between you and bf, and leave it at that.

 

It is unexcusable for your bf to leave you hanging like that. He should have dissed the guy back--hard--if you aren't the type to do it on your own. It is his group of friends, and he should make the boundaries clear.

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If that is really the way the group is, then they'd probably LOVE it if you would bust on the guy right back. That can be a fun :D "That would be like saying [his name] has a big ****" ;)

 

But it doesn't sound like that's you, and that's ok.

 

I wish I were quick enough! I was too busy being stunned to be clever!

 

By the way, this guy a lot more serious in his comment. It wasn't a playful jab and he said it to the women in conversation - not directly at me.

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This guy's "friends" not only don't respect you...they clearly don't respect him either. Otherwise, the wouldn't be insulting his girlfriend right in front of him. Moreover, this guy is a doormat to them as much as you are a doormat to him. Apparently, fitting in with this group is very important to your BF. Your best course of action would be to remove yourself from this toxic environment completely.

 

When we got home I did get the "I don't have a lot of friends" speech and "these are my friends and you don't even try to get along" speech.

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I am so sorry this happened to you. You really seem like a genuine, nice person and definitely don't deserve it. My advice to you would be to leave your boyfriend. Don't take his calls or even speak to him. Let him realize that you are not a doormat.

 

In the meantime, sometimes mean comments can have some truth to them? I am not saying you didn't look nice. I am sure you did but perhaps, you can step it up a little or revamp a few things in your wardrobe- for you, not for anyone else. If that's not the case, and they were genuinely being mean, then more reason to never be around them again.

 

I would never put myself in that situation where people would make me uncomfortable.

 

Thanks.

 

Oh and I did take it that way. Keep in mind though I mispacked, I had intended to wear a nicer shirt. I was an hour away from my house. I do dress conservative, so my clothes are not super showy but I am clean and neat. My boyfriend had on a old yellow polo shirt, hardly anything dressy.

 

Of course, I can't imagine being comfortable hanging out with them again after this without worrying about how I'm dressed. I think that's pretty crappy.

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You have every right to feel very upset about it!! They are a bunch of jerks! :mad: :mad: :mad: :mad:

 

And your boyfriend is more than lame!! :mad: :mad:

 

There are certainly people who know each other so well, that they make jokes that can sound pretty rough to someone on the outside, but since these people are good friends and there's lot of trust, it's ok. You never do that with people who are not your best buddies though or with people who are a bit on the sensitive side.

 

Having said all that, that kind of comment that the guy made the other night, was just unacceptable. I've seen guys talk like that when they were having fun and talking nonsense, but it's always very clear that it was just a game and they were playing it rough. I've never seen a guy say something like that to a girl in jest. I think they instinctively know that even if she is a great buddy, she is still a woman and you just don't say stuff like that to her.

 

The reaction of the wives also clearly indicated that the guy's behavior could not be considered as joking anymore. Your boyfriend knew that as well, but he was too much of a coward to stand up for you. I'd move on. A guy who does not stand up for his girlfriend, is not worth having around. In a boyfriend, I'd consider this a very serious character flaw and a dealbreaker. No buts and ifs.

 

I completely agree with plumprincess. I would leave too if I was with someone who didn't defend me to his friends. Good for you for defendng yourself and walking away....NO ONE has the right to abuse anyone!!! And more importantly, you don't have to stay around and accept that sub-par treatment. There are plenty of nice guys out there who will respect you for who you are and treat you nicely. Don't settle for "ABUSIVE" treatment!

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How do you spend 5 yrs with someone like that?

 

It hasn't been easy. When I look back on some things that happened in the beginning I am baffled that I put up with certain things. But I guess I was blinded by being in love.

 

He tried to go to counseling for the second time a few weeks ago...and once again quit after one session. He was going because he has issues with being self-centered and unempathetic, impulse control issues, etc. I really don't see a point to us staying together if he isn't going to put in effort to work on his issues.

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One of the many issues my boyfriend and I have had in the last 5 years is that his friends don't respect me. You could say they don't respect very many people that is not in their little clique. And my boyfriend doesn't stand up for me or ever validate my feelings. Most outsiders think they are a selfish little group. We went to dinner with them tonight, my boyfriend and I and two other couples. The two other couples were on their way to a Christmas party. Everyone was wearing jeans. The other two women were wearing sparkly shirts. The guys wore very casual shirts. I had on a black shirt. I had actually planned to wear a long sleaved nicer shirt, but mistakenly didn't pack it. I live an hour away and packed a bag to stay with my boyfriend for the weekend. My makeup and hair looked nice.

 

Towards the end of the gathering, one of the guys said, "That's like saying (my name) looks good tonight." The entire table got quiet. One of the women's mouths dropped. Of course I asked, "Did you really mean that?" He said, "This group says things like that to each other." I said, "So my feelings don't matter?" Both of of the women said they would be upset if anyone said that to them. The women asked that we all go to the bathroom together. The guy's wife told me, "Sometimes he puts his foot in his mouth. Don't let it bother you." The other wife told me "We would both be upset if anyone said that to us, don't get us wrong. But sometimes you are a little sensitive." I told her that was enough and walked out.

 

I came back outside. My boyfriend could tell I wasn't happy and we left. Of course he took their side. He said I should have taken it with a grain of salt. He says I don't even try to get along with his friends. This isn't true. I have taken this kind of treatment from his friends for years. I feel that if he had simply told his friends to please not say rude things like that to me, his friends would eventually respect me more. I do not think they would be mad at him or take it badly. But he never does, and they never seem to gain respect for me. When we got home, I was asked to sleep on the couch. No empathy. No "that was kind of sh*tty." No consideration for my feelings. And no I did not blow up or say anything rude to his friends. What I typed here is what was said.

 

I gathered my things and left. Some of their comments in the past have been calling me dumb or not as smart. (I am an engineer by the way) I am the youngest amongst them, I do not know if that has anything to do with this issue. Or the fact that I tend to be considered "very nice." Perhaps I am just a doormat to them.

 

On my way home, the guy that made the comment texted me that he was very sorry and "this groups disses on each other like that." I appreciate the apology and care, but I really don't think anyone should be justifying their behavior. It's not acceptable and it's not how I wish to be treated. And I feel they need to start respecting that.

 

Does anyone else read this and think "Gosh what a bunch of A-holes?"

 

Also, one of the wives will write me I am sure. I have an opportunity to say something here and try to make them understand that I need to be respected and that it is not okay with me to just say whatever insulting thing you feel like and brush it off. (This is not a one time incident. It has happened a lot over the years.) Anyone have any suggestions?

 

And man do I feel crappy now. I wonder, "Did I really look bad?" Wow. I feel really paranoid about how I dress now and wonder if I really look like crap.

 

As for me and my boyfriend, I am willing to not see him anymore over this. I at least expect my boyfriend to be a friend to me and say something to his friends, or at least in private validate my feelings. I'm tired of this sort of thing.

Yeah I think the guy was a dick for saying that. I'd be beyond pissed and I would expect my man to stick up for me. No questions asked. If he didn't, he'd get my wrath. There was absolutely no need for that guy to say what he did. Personally, I wouldn't hang out with these friends of his. That's how I would react. I'd say "I'm done hanging out with your douche bag friends." "They put me down and you don't say sh*t." And your boyfriend needs to grow a pair of balls and stand up for you. You need to address that issue with him in depth. I hate men like that. I once had a boyfriend stand by while his brother yelled at me. The brother was drunk and belligerent and had no right or reason at all to get in my face. My guy didn't say sh*t to him. He just stood there with his thumb up his ass. To me that was a deal breaker. I ended up dumping him shortly there after. Not just because of that, but that was one of the reasons. I need a man who will stand up for me. I can stand up for myself pretty well, but a man should protect his lady. Nothing says "pussy" more to me then a guy that doesn't stick up for his girl.

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make me believe

Wow! I'm shocked at what he said. That is so rude and mean. I hate it when people think they can say mean things to others and then claim they were joking or "that's just how we talk to each other." If their creepy little clique (that you're still an "outsider" to after dating your bf for FIVE years?!) talks to each other that way, then fine, but since they and your bf have made it clear that you're NOT part of the "in-group" then they don't need to be talking to YOU that way.

 

The big problem here is your boyfriend though. What kind of guy lets his friends talk to his girlfriend that way? He does not respect you or your relationship. And you've been putting up with this for years?? WHY? I'm sure your boyfriend has some good qualities, but basic respect should be a non-negotiable in a relationship. How can you be with somebody who shows such blatant disrespect for you? Your bf obviously isn't going to change. You need to dump him.

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they're just insecure/immature/etc.

 

take off the engineering ring. Are you good looking? You may want to dial down the looks if so.

 

With the email, its probably just best to say you don't appreciate the rude comments, and you don't care how they go about justifying it.

 

Continue to not put up with their bull****. Breakup with the bf if you have to.

 

Also they do have a point. Grow a set. ;). But again, I've had abusive friends, and I would say do away with them if that's how they act.

 

fyi: I'm an engineer (altho still in school and not employed).

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ChessPieceFace

Your BF can't control what his friends say. He CAN control who his friends are, but sometimes breaking off friendships isn't easy.

 

Personally, I am an introverted person who DOES care about whether his friends reflect his own beliefs. I am uncomfortable having friends who don't see things my way, or would act in ways that I wouldn't act, because I feel that reflects badly on me, as it reflects badly on your BF in your example. That's actually one of the reasons I don't hang out with a lot of people.

 

Don't take my advice as 100% objective, because I have a very low tolerance for the kinds of statements in question. Maybe even less tolerance than you. If someone insulted me like that, or especially my GF like that, the person would be lucky to have it not become a violent incident, and I would probably never want to see that person again. EVER. Yes, I would break off a friendship based on that one incident, because something like that reflects who someone really is. I've actually done so. If they want to be friends with me again, they can feel free to apologize. Until then, they will not be friends with me.

 

As for your BF, none of us know him so we can only speculate. I would speculate that he is similar to the a-hole that made the comment, "birds of a feather", and that he has a very casual attitude toward making fun of people. I would not break it off with him because of someone else's comment, nor even necessarily because of how he reacted to that comment, since he MAY not have read your mind or known how badly it hurt you. I would simply take this incident as an example, and use it to determine who your boyfriend really is, and whether he's really the kind of person you want to be with. Only you can answer that.

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This isn't an issue about the boyfriend. This is an issue about the lack of self esteem of ther poster. Until she said she was an engineer I thought she was 16 years old. Stop playing the victim.

 

I totally agree. She needs therapy. I recommend The Lefkoe Method to eliminate her belief that she isn't good enough. I'm sure there are more but that is a good place to start.

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