ichooseme Posted August 30, 2011 Share Posted August 30, 2011 Hi everyone. I appreciate you reading this, i'll try to keep it short. I'm currently dating this amazing girl for a month or so. She is kind, caring, very beautiful etc. Anyway, we've been talking about us as our "last shots" so to speak. She is looking for a serious relationship and possible marriage (she's 22 and i'm 26). We haven't had sex and it's fine, she wants to wait and i respect her wishes, because I consider this as her being serious with me and not wanting to screw things up this time around. However, she told me in one of our conversations that she used the pill with her exes (there were 3) and not condoms. she had a 2 yr relationship, a 5 months one and 3 months one. Now, my ex, who broke up with me about half a year ago, was a virgin and this girl is not. I'm kind of having trouble with that fact. I thought i will be a little more open minded and not mind, since I've dated girls who weren't virgins. It's just this girl and that bothers me. What's happening? I kinda talked to her about it and it seemed to help somehow, but sometimes it still haunts me or something. I feel as if this might become an even bigger issue in the future if we were to be much more serious. Help.. Link to post Share on other sites
Cypress25 Posted August 30, 2011 Share Posted August 30, 2011 Are you a virgin? Link to post Share on other sites
veggirl Posted August 30, 2011 Share Posted August 30, 2011 How long does she want to wait? Til marriage? You have a problem with her not being a virgin at 22? Why? Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby Slippers Posted August 30, 2011 Share Posted August 30, 2011 "Retroactive jealousy" is the term. This doesn't have to be a problem unless you let it be one. Link to post Share on other sites
rafallus Posted August 30, 2011 Share Posted August 30, 2011 (edited) Wait, She's not a virgin, yet wants to wait? Weird change of heart. Odds are, it won't work out. Edited August 30, 2011 by rafallus Link to post Share on other sites
denise_xo Posted August 30, 2011 Share Posted August 30, 2011 Are you a virgin? I am wondering about this, too. If you are not, I think you should relieve this girl of your double standards. If you are a virgin, you just need to make a decision whether meeting a woman who is also a virgin is more important to you than whatever benefits you get from your current relationship. Wait, She's not a virgin, yet wants to wait? Weird change of heart. Odds are, it won't work out. Depending on how she approached her previous relationships, it's not necessarily a change of heart at all. According to the OP, they have been together for a month. Her shortest previous relationship lasted three months. For all we know, she could have slept with that man after two months. In which case, there is no change of heart. Only the OP can enlighten us about this, but based on the information we have now it's too early to jump to the conclusion in bold. The fact that a women isn't a virgin, doesn't necessarily imply that she wants to have sex during the first month or two of a relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
betterdeal Posted August 30, 2011 Share Posted August 30, 2011 You've fallen for her big time and you're afraid you won't perform as well as her previous lovers. First, she's with you, not them, so they can't have been *that* good. Second, it's not a league or competition. Sex with love is a great combination. The context in which you have sex is important to how great that sex makes you feel. Don't worry too much. When the time comes, if you are a bit worried, say you're a bit nervous as it's been a while, and you really like her, and laugh it off. Being humble about your own frailties is a good thing. Link to post Share on other sites
Cypress25 Posted August 30, 2011 Share Posted August 30, 2011 She's not a virgin, yet wants to wait? Weird change of heart. I agree with denise_xo. Just because a woman is not a virgin doesn't mean she'll jump into bed with a guy she barely knows. I'm not a virgin but I won't have sex unless I'm in a committed relationship. Which means I usually date a guy for at least 2-3 months before we have sex. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ichooseme Posted September 3, 2011 Author Share Posted September 3, 2011 I am wondering about this, too. If you are not, I think you should relieve this girl of your double standards. If you are a virgin, you just need to make a decision whether meeting a woman who is also a virgin is more important to you than whatever benefits you get from your current relationship. Depending on how she approached her previous relationships, it's not necessarily a change of heart at all. According to the OP, they have been together for a month. Her shortest previous relationship lasted three months. For all we know, she could have slept with that man after two months. In which case, there is no change of heart. Only the OP can enlighten us about this, but based on the information we have now it's too early to jump to the conclusion in bold. The fact that a women isn't a virgin, doesn't necessarily imply that she wants to have sex during the first month or two of a relationship. Thank you everyone for your replies and I apologize for taking so long to answer, have been a little busy with my work. Anyways, no, i'm not a virgin and I don't mind her not being a virgin. It seems i have trouble with the pill and condom. I sound stupid to myself too, but it's like with the pill there was no layer between them or something, am I making any sense? And i'm not worried about my performance, I usually have a laid back approach about the whole thing and surely won't have a problem laughing it off if anything goes wrong. @ruby: could you elaborate more on that term you mentioned, retroactive jealousy? or i suppose i could google it, but perhaps you can explain it better. But i can see how this might appear as me having a problem with her not being a virgin, but i doubt that's the case. I think i wouldn't have this problem if she did it while using a condom rather than the pill... Link to post Share on other sites
Yellow_Duck'y Posted September 3, 2011 Share Posted September 3, 2011 http://www.retroactivejealousy.co.uk/ You might find the above link helpful. I was in a long term relationship with someone who had it and it destroyed our relationship. You don't want that to happen or it to become a regular occurrence so try to nip it in the butt as best you can. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Cypress25 Posted September 4, 2011 Share Posted September 4, 2011 What difference does it make if she used the pill instead of a condom? If you're worried about STD's, ask her to get tested. And use a condom when you have sex with her. It's great that you're pro-condom because doubling up on methods (pill + condom) is the best way to prevent pregnancy. Link to post Share on other sites
Mme. Chaucer Posted September 4, 2011 Share Posted September 4, 2011 Wait, She's not a virgin, yet wants to wait? Weird change of heart. Odds are, it won't work out. When I was dating, but was no longer a virgin, I still waited quite a while before deciding that I was ready to have sex. These two have only been dating for a month! OP - do you think you will be happier if you marry a virgin? Link to post Share on other sites
Author ichooseme Posted September 10, 2011 Author Share Posted September 10, 2011 When I was dating, but was no longer a virgin, I still waited quite a while before deciding that I was ready to have sex. These two have only been dating for a month! OP - do you think you will be happier if you marry a virgin? no, i don't think i will be happier if i marry a virgin, it makes no difference. But I don't understand why i can't let go of her using the pill for the first 3 exes, but with me i have to use a condom, because she doesn't want to use the pill since it's "not good for you" in case you want to have children. Am I being a jerk by thinking that the first 3 exes had it "good" and got to "feel" her better? I mean i read the "retroactive jealousy" article suggested by yellow ducky. But it's not helping me a whole lot in dealing with it. This is frustrating and talking to her about it hurts and I mostly would prefer not to know about it. She could have protected herself by condoms AND pills, but she says they sometimes used condoms and sometimes didn't, and it was fine with her. But with me she is somehow "refusing" to use the pill, even though she knew way before me that the pill might have a negative effect on pregnancy and so on. Why the decision NOW to stop using it? I don't want this to eat me from inside and destroy what I have with her. Link to post Share on other sites
Cypress25 Posted September 11, 2011 Share Posted September 11, 2011 I don't know where she's getting her information, but the pill does not affect future fertility at all. She should talk to her doctor about her concerns so she can get the facts. I'm guessing the real reason she went off the pill is because she started experiencing side effects. Or it got too expensive. There's also the possibility that she recently found out she has an STD but doesn't want to tell you. If she wasn't using condoms with 3 other guys, then it's likely she has an STD. In which case, using a condom is for your own protection. Link to post Share on other sites
spiderowl Posted September 11, 2011 Share Posted September 11, 2011 So is she saying she wants to wait a while for sex and then when she does it, you will have to use a condom? It sounds like you think you are getting a lesser deal than the other guys. You need to speak to her about why this has changed. Sex without a condom is more intimate somehow, I'd agree, so it's understandable you might feel she's keeping you at bay more than the other guys. Ask her about it. Link to post Share on other sites
Cypress25 Posted September 11, 2011 Share Posted September 11, 2011 Sex without a condom is more intimate somehow, I'd agree, so it's understandable you might feel she's keeping you at bay more than the other guys. It sounds to me like she's grown up over the past few years and now she realizes it's safer to use condoms. Maybe she thinks it was a mistake to have sex without condoms in the past, and she doesn't want to make that mistake anymore. It doesn't mean the other guys got a better deal. It just means she's being more responsible now than she was in the past. She's not punishing you, she's taking care of herself. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ichooseme Posted September 13, 2011 Author Share Posted September 13, 2011 So is she saying she wants to wait a while for sex and then when she does it, you will have to use a condom? It sounds like you think you are getting a lesser deal than the other guys. You need to speak to her about why this has changed. Sex without a condom is more intimate somehow, I'd agree, so it's understandable you might feel she's keeping you at bay more than the other guys. Ask her about it. yes, that's basically it, she's waiting for a while till we have sex, which could be up to a year or smth, don't know how it will work out. I gotta prove myself to her first, which doesn't help the situation at all. But i can do it, i know i can. she got herself checked last week and she is waiting on the results if she has an STD or not. I hope not. You're right, Spiderowl, that's pretty much how it makes me feel, like i'm getting a lesser deal, like i have to do more and all that, i know it's wrong and when i finally told her about it 2 days ago, it was very emotional and she cried cuz she felt like i judged her and she regretted those other 3 times and thought she can be more comfortable with me since I'm more special to her. But anyways, it was pretty intense and I kind of got over it i think, not sure yet. I just don't want to make her cry or make her feel like she's some sex object. It's not that she had any side effects, and no, it's not expensive really, insurance covers it. The reason she said she quit was purely for health reasons. She just heard more and more from friends that it's not good for her or whatever, so she just listened and stopped in fear that she might not get the kid as fast as she might want in the future or something. But i hope, cypress, you're right. She might have simply become more responsible and wise. Although her last bf was about 2 months ago, and her first bf was about 1.5 years ago, so how much wiser can you really get in that period of time? I should stop overanalysing really and be happy i think. I mean she makes me happy and I might be overthinking this. I trust her~ Link to post Share on other sites
Cypress25 Posted September 13, 2011 Share Posted September 13, 2011 She might have simply become more responsible and wise. Although her last bf was about 2 months ago, and her first bf was about 1.5 years ago, so how much wiser can you really get in that period of time? You can gain a lot of wisdom in 1.5 years. You can gain a lot of wisdom in 1 day, if you have an epiphany. Besides, you don't have to be a wise Jedi master to know that condoms are safer. Everyone learns from their mistakes (hopefully) and people are allowed to change. Just because she had risky sex in the past doesn't mean she has to continue down that road. But if she wants to be really wise, she should stop listening to her dumbass friends about the pill and talk to an actual doctor. Millions of women have used the BC pill since 1960 and the human race isn't going extinct because of it. Think about all the women who have accidentally gotten pregnant while on the pill. They take the pill for years and then they forget it one day and BAM, they're pregnant. Yet another great reason to use condoms too! Link to post Share on other sites
Author ichooseme Posted September 21, 2011 Author Share Posted September 21, 2011 You can gain a lot of wisdom in 1.5 years. You can gain a lot of wisdom in 1 day, if you have an epiphany. Besides, you don't have to be a wise Jedi master to know that condoms are safer. Everyone learns from their mistakes (hopefully) and people are allowed to change. Just because she had risky sex in the past doesn't mean she has to continue down that road. But if she wants to be really wise, she should stop listening to her dumbass friends about the pill and talk to an actual doctor. Millions of women have used the BC pill since 1960 and the human race isn't going extinct because of it. Think about all the women who have accidentally gotten pregnant while on the pill. They take the pill for years and then they forget it one day and BAM, they're pregnant. Yet another great reason to use condoms too! thank you Cypress and everyone who answered, appreciate it. I am over it, it doesn't bother me any more thanks to this thread. This topic is now closed Link to post Share on other sites
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