Maharet Posted July 4, 2011 Share Posted July 4, 2011 Hello. I have been dating a 28-year-old guy for almost 3 years (I'm 24). We both still live at home with our parents. We live about an hour from each other and this seems to be the main problem in our relationship. I admit, up until a few months ago, I did spoil him by ALWAYS meeting him halfway for dates or going over and spending the night at his parents' house. He's came over to my parents' house maybe 5 times in the past 3 years. My parents do not mind him hanging out over here at all, so that's not the issue. Getting him to come visit me or take me out over here is like pulling teeth. He does work quite a bit, Monday through Friday, and his excuse is that he doesn't have enough time. But this weekend, he had most of Saturday off, all of today (Sunday) and tomorrow off, so that's not true. There has been many times where I've had to be at work at 6 AM an hour from his house, I'd stay up late hanging out with him and I'd get up extra early and go to work from his house. I know he'd never do that for me and I guess that's where my resentment lies. Whenever I ask him to drive out to me and take me out on my own turf, he always has an excuse, whether he has to do errands for his parents or do something work-related. I know that if I didn't make the drive to see him, we'd never see each other. I'm a lady, and I'd like to be actually picked up at my house and taken on a date once in a while. Am I being unreasonable here? I don't think I am, and I'm about ready to call it quits between us. I feel kind of low on his list of priorities. I know he has a lot going on in his life, but I feel like he could MAKE time if he REALLY desired to see me. Link to post Share on other sites
Damien Posted July 4, 2011 Share Posted July 4, 2011 No, you're not being unreasonable at all! When I first dated my ex, I had to book a plane ticket and fly over just to see her, he's only 1 hour away from you so he should really have no excuse. I understand that he works Monday to Friday but so do most people nowadays yet they're all able to make time for other people. Have you two had a chance to sit down and talk about this properly? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Maharet Posted July 4, 2011 Author Share Posted July 4, 2011 Have you two had a chance to sit down and talk about this properly? I've tried, but he just says he doesn't have the time to come over here very often due to his job. The thing is, soon I will be starting a new job and going back to school to get my RN license, so I'm not going to have much time to come out to see him either - he will HAVE to come and see me some if he wants to see me at all. I brought this up to him and he said it didn't bother him to only meet me halfway once a week or whatever. And that would be fine if we were just starting to date - but we are THREE years into this relationship; I'd like to see him more than spending an hour together at dinner once a week. I'm sorry, that's NOT enough for me. I kind of hoped that we would be further along by now, maybe engaged to be married or something.. but right now our future together just seems vague. I did want to move in with him this year but that idea kind of went bust.. he's not really able to afford to move out on his own (mostly due to poor financial/purchasing decisions on his part...). Link to post Share on other sites
Damien Posted July 4, 2011 Share Posted July 4, 2011 I just fail to see how he doesn't have time for you in the weekends / holidays at all :S. As it is, it seems to me that you've put in much more effort into the relationship than he has. I think you should really give him an ultimatum, make it clear you cannot and will not keep this up for much longer. If he really likes you and wants to treasure the relationship he will meet up with you more often, if not then I honestly think you'll have dodged a bullet. You're clearly moving up with your life, new job, RN license etc whereas he's still at home with bad spending habits. Link to post Share on other sites
nothappyjan Posted July 4, 2011 Share Posted July 4, 2011 omg your bf is even worse than my ex! I used to drive the hour every week to spend the weekend with him and he came to my house 3 times in a year. He wouldnt even come to me on my birthday. Then surprise surprise he breaks up with my cause he just 'wasnt that into me' I should have figured it out on my own. Plus he refused to move near where i loved and he wasnt even from my city and knew no one but me!!! yet he refused to go places near where i lived. He sounds selfish and like he has no investment in your r/ship. My guy was happy to just see me once a week too and i wanted a real s/ship. He also wasnt ready to move out with me or anything. If i were you i'd start pulling away and just stop contacting and orgainising and if he cant get his act together then you know where you stand. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Maharet Posted July 4, 2011 Author Share Posted July 4, 2011 I don't want to paint him as being a bad guy - he's just bad about this. He seems like he loves me and is happy to see me when I go over to see him or meet him halfway. He has helped me financially and bought me things, taken me on trips, always pays for dinner. However, I know if he weren't living with his folks for free, he probably wouldn't be able to afford those things. And I've probably spent the same amount in gas $ and wear-and-tear on my car seeing him over the years. I'm his first girlfriend ever - he was a kissless virgin at 25, if that means anything. Maybe he just doesn't understand how a relationship is supposed to work? Link to post Share on other sites
nothappyjan Posted July 4, 2011 Share Posted July 4, 2011 I don't want to paint him as being a bad guy - he's just bad about this. He seems like he loves me and is happy to see me when I go over to see him or meet him halfway. He has helped me financially and bought me things, taken me on trips, always pays for dinner. However, I know if he weren't living with his folks for free, he probably wouldn't be able to afford those things. And I've probably spent the same amount in gas $ and wear-and-tear on my car seeing him over the years. I'm his first girlfriend ever - he was a kissless virgin at 25, if that means anything. Maybe he just doesn't understand how a relationship is supposed to work? I made excuses for him too, mine took me to europe, got me flowers, was attentive in other ways etc but at the end of the day. Its that basic going out of your way for others personality trait that you have or dont. You and i both seem the type of people who do go out of our way and he isn't. You just need to decide if the situation is something you can accept or convince him to understand what is required in an adult relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
AlexDP Posted July 4, 2011 Share Posted July 4, 2011 If you're 28 and you have a job, why would you live with your parents? Is he in any kind of trouble financially or saving up for something big (a house, travelling the world, whatever)? Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted July 4, 2011 Share Posted July 4, 2011 Have you actually tried just not going over at all? Might jolt him out of the selfishness. If it doesn't work, you probably have more serious problems on hand. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted July 4, 2011 Share Posted July 4, 2011 I think your instinct to call it quits is healthy and I wish you well in your new job and RN studies. IMO, BF lacks sufficient motivation. Path of least resistance. I remember when I was his age and in his circumstances. I literally sniffed out women I was interested in, along with working 12-14 hours a day and buying a house. Motivated. Good luck Link to post Share on other sites
Eddie Edirol Posted July 4, 2011 Share Posted July 4, 2011 Since youre his first kiss, he might not realize hes taking you for granted. Give him the chance of a choice before just quitting on him. I think you need to tell him that he needs to start meeting you halfway or youre bailing out. Let him sleep on realizing he will lose you if he doesnt step up. But you have to be stern about it. Tell him directly "I want you to start coming to see me, and I want to see you more often. if thats not what you want, we are not going to continue." Link to post Share on other sites
Author Maharet Posted July 4, 2011 Author Share Posted July 4, 2011 If you're 28 and you have a job, why would you live with your parents? Is he in any kind of trouble financially or saving up for something big (a house, travelling the world, whatever)? He can't afford to move out on his own. He has a hefty car payment every month (bought an expensive muscle car a few years ago even though he was deep in debt at the time already). However, he still manages to buy iPhones, brand new computers he doesn't need and other goodies. Have you actually tried just not going over at all? Might jolt him out of the selfishness. If it doesn't work, you probably have more serious problems on hand. Yeah, I haven't been going over lately like I used to. I haven't been over to his house in 2 weeks. He still wouldn't come over here this weekend. The thing is, I never have any idea what's going on in his head because he is very bad with communicating his feelings. To me, it feels like he's lost interest in me. I remember when I was his age and in his circumstances. I literally sniffed out women I was interested in, along with working 12-14 hours a day and buying a house. Motivated. Good luck It's funny you say that. Recently, I've been talking to a guy that lives near me that I used to work with. I hung out with him twice last week - completely platonic, nothing inappropriate occurred. Even after working 15 hours one day, he was still asking me to hang out with him (when he got off work at 11 PM and had to be back up at 6 AM). It seems like this guy I barely know wants to see me worse than my own boyfriend of 3 years. I didn't tell my boyfriend because I knew he'd probably get pissed and accuse me of cheating or something. I guess what hurts is that he doesn't feel like I'm worth the extra drive or a few lost hours of sleep. I'm not asking for it every day, but twice a week would be nice. Not for nothing, I'm a good-looking young woman and it's not like I would have a problem finding someone who would exert the effort for me. Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted July 5, 2011 Share Posted July 5, 2011 Two weeks??? That's absolutely horrible. Only excuse I could even think for that is if he was working 80 hours a week and caring for a terminally ill parent or something. Ugh. Otherwise, you need to seriously reconsider this relationship. Barring extreme circumstances, no one should voluntarily let two weeks go by without seeing their partner if all it took was a one-hour drive. If I were you, I would spill your guts to him. YES, tell him that you feel horrible that a platonic friend would be willing to meet you after work but your own bf hasn't been, for two weeks. Be honest about your fears and feelings. There seems little to lose at this point. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Maharet Posted July 5, 2011 Author Share Posted July 5, 2011 I talked to him last night.. we both decided to call it quits. I told him how I felt.. he was very calm, which surprised me, I at least thought he'd get mad or something. He agreed that it was not fair to me but he just didn't have the time to come out to my house and see me.. and once I start working and going back to school we definitely won't have time. I've been so frustrated with him lately.. I didn't think it would hurt but it still does. I guess part of it is because we've been together so long now.. it just feels weird. And another thing that hurts is that he just kind of gave up, didn't even try to fight for me. I asked him if he had fallen out of love with me or just wasn't as crazy about me anymore - he said he didn't think that was the case. He did cry and seemed very sad. I don't know.. I don't think he is IN love with me. I have no doubt he loves me as a person, a dear friend.. but I don't think he is in love with me anymore. I don't think he knows the difference either. He said that he would rather amicably break it off now than postpone the inevitable and have us end up hating each other. So we are still friends.. but I don't know, won't that be awkward when him and I start dating other people? Especially with us being on Facebook and having tons of mutual friends. :-/ Link to post Share on other sites
Hot Chick Posted July 5, 2011 Share Posted July 5, 2011 I know you're hurting but it sounds like it is for the best. If you are out of his life for a while, and he realizes he can't live without you, he will step it up and not let rain nor high water keep you apart. If it goes, then let it fly. If it doesn't come back, it wasn't meant to be. If it does come back, then he'd better do the real grand gesture. Link to post Share on other sites
thatone Posted July 6, 2011 Share Posted July 6, 2011 honestly i think you're both perfect examples of the selfishness of the next generation. you have no more excuse to be living with your parents than he does. yeah i bet he does have new phones and a new car and other such things while living with his parents, and you stayed with him while watching him do all that stuff, because you're doing the same thing he is by living with your parents until you're 28. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Maharet Posted July 6, 2011 Author Share Posted July 6, 2011 honestly i think you're both perfect examples of the selfishness of the next generation. you have no more excuse to be living with your parents than he does. yeah i bet he does have new phones and a new car and other such things while living with his parents, and you stayed with him while watching him do all that stuff, because you're doing the same thing he is by living with your parents until you're 28. Uh, no, I just graduated from a nursing program - I haven't even got a job yet. If I could afford to be out of my parents' home, I'd move out tomorrow. What the hell is your problem? Link to post Share on other sites
Fondue Posted July 6, 2011 Share Posted July 6, 2011 Uh, no, I just graduated from a nursing program - I haven't even got a job yet. If I could afford to be out of my parents' home, I'd move out tomorrow. What the hell is your problem? Not do derail the thread much, but just wanted to congrats you on your nursing degree. Got mine last year (BSN), been enjoying it ever since . And yes, staying at home (24yo here) is pretty sweet atm. No rent to pay, saving up for a downpayment to get a apartment straight up in NYC . Consider the benefits of having an RN license and giving home living a chance for a bit . Link to post Share on other sites
krz12 Posted July 6, 2011 Share Posted July 6, 2011 How on earth did you become his girlfriend in the first place? Link to post Share on other sites
thatone Posted July 6, 2011 Share Posted July 6, 2011 Uh, no, I just graduated from a nursing program - I haven't even got a job yet. If I could afford to be out of my parents' home, I'd move out tomorrow. What the hell is your problem? at 28? in no way is living at home with your parents at 28 years old normal. you got in a long distance relationship because neither of you can survive without mom and dad. long distance relationships don't work. the end. you came here looking for people on this forum to make you feel better about your situation, but the fact is your situation and the boyfriend's aren't really very different. you both valued your dependence on your parents more than the relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Maharet Posted July 6, 2011 Author Share Posted July 6, 2011 at 28? in no way is living at home with your parents at 28 years old normal. you got in a long distance relationship because neither of you can survive without mom and dad. long distance relationships don't work. the end. you came here looking for people on this forum to make you feel better about your situation, but the fact is your situation and the boyfriend's aren't really very different. you both valued your dependence on your parents more than the relationship. I'm not 28, I'm 24. And who are you to say how much I valued this relationship? I put a lot of time and effort into it. One of the main reasons I decided to pursue nursing is not only because I was interested in the field but because I knew it would enable us to move out together sooner and have a more financially comfortable life. Don't assume **** about me, dude. Link to post Share on other sites
mortensorchid Posted July 6, 2011 Share Posted July 6, 2011 It is best that you ended things. If someone will not come and see you more often than you are seeing them, they are trying to end it. Years ago, when I was in my early twenties and still relatively neive, I was in a long distance relationship with someone in another state. The drive was about three hours, he never once came to see me. However, he seemed to have plenty of time to do other things. It was a horrible blow up via email (not even phone calls), and he accused me of being the crazy one. Barely a year later he met and married another woman. He's still married to her today, but I am better off for a variety of reasons. You will be as well. He doesn't deserve you. Link to post Share on other sites
thatone Posted July 6, 2011 Share Posted July 6, 2011 (edited) I'm not 28, I'm 24. And who are you to say how much I valued this relationship? I put a lot of time and effort into it. One of the main reasons I decided to pursue nursing is not only because I was interested in the field but because I knew it would enable us to move out together sooner and have a more financially comfortable life. Don't assume **** about me, dude. that's even worse if he was the one who was 28. so you were looking to pick up where his parents left off? then you'd be on the hook for his next car payment and his next 2 year phone contract. good thing you broke up with him before then. bad news is you'll probably find another one like him. your problem has nothing to do with distance, your problem has everything to do with the fact that you got into a relationship with a worthless bum, were going to college at least partly to try and support him, and the only thing you see wrong with that is distance. Edited July 6, 2011 by thatone Link to post Share on other sites
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