Does financial security make a difference in dating?

[Mr_Knox]

I'm not talking about ammounts of money. What I mean is what does a woman think about a man (Whom she has just met or begun to date) who is, because of his financial ineptitude, constantly in dire straights and struggling just to keep up... Financially? What kind of impression does this make on a potential mate? Assuming everything else is in his favor character, charm, attraction and chemistry, etc. The question is not about money but about financial management.

[moimeme]

I have taken up with two fellows who were penniless because they had poor financial management skills. I'm not going to do it again no matter how otherwise nice the person is. My rule now is that the fellow must have at least two of house, job, or car. If he can't manage two of the three, there are likely pretty serious reasons why which will cause problems in other areas of the relationship.

 

If I weren't so soft-hearted (soft-headed?), I'd be a wealthier woman now. Sigh.

[yes]

moimeme, doesn't it depend on the guy's age?? if he's a student, that explains it - or just recently graduated. i think as long as the guy has good plans of getting his finances straightened out, it's fine.

 

my 2c,

-yes

[moimeme]

yes - I'm not likely to go out with any students anymore

[Mr_Knox]

I agree. If you have good reason for being broke, ie. student loans, then that's undestandable. Allthough, I am not a student and I'm 27 years old. well of the age that I should be able to handle my own finances, but I'm terrible at it. I have a good carrer and a healthy income but am currently renting a room from a friend because I wasn't able to manage my money wisely enough. I'm not saying I lost everything, but I am a little embarassed about my situation because I should not have to be here. Allthough, this is only temporary and I do have a plan to get back on my feet. I just wonder if that lessens my chances when I'm dating by making me look irresponsible.

[EnigmaXOXO]

Financial stability never made a difference to me when it came to 'dating,' but I do consider it important when it comes to a potential long-term mate.

 

While I actually enjoy picking up the check every now and then, I don't want to become financially responsible for a man any more than he would want me to become dependent upon him. Particularly when it comes to co-habitation. I'd like to know that the man I'm settling down with could at least meet me half way.

[Frodo]

Mr Knox,

 

One thing you have to watch out for are golddiggers. These are women that aren't really capable of love, but they just want money. Sadly, there are women raised this way. If you see someone who asks you about your job up front, or gives a requirement list like Moimeme just did, walk away.

 

I actually am sucessful. I'm capable of generating income and have some of these things. But there's no way in hell I'd knowingly let a woman use me as a sugar daddy. You have to have standards.

 

Protect yourself, because you really do have a choice.

[moimeme]

or gives a requirement list like Moimeme just did, walk away.

 

 

Honey, I'm not a golddigger. I wound up $20,000 in debt after the first broke guy through helping him out and I'm not a hell of a lot richer after taking on the second - AND his four kids. I just want to be sure the next one can stand on his own two bloody feet and that he won't drain off what I have left.

[EnigmaXOXO]

I just want to be sure the next one can stand on his own two bloody feet and that he won't drain off what I have left.

 

How times have changed, eh Moimeme!?

 

I think many of us financially independent women can finally sympathize with what men have been dealing with for years. I would never think less of a man who required a prenup, and I would ALWAYS recommend that a couple keep their bank account and credit cards separate when feasible.

 

I was brought up to believe that it was 'rude' to discuss money outside of the immediate family, so I would never question someone about how much they made or what they owned. And whenever a guy bragged about having this and that, it was an immediate turn off for me.

 

I'd much rather ask someone what their 'passion' is rather than 'what they do for a living,' unless their work is their passion. And when I met my current partner, I was PROUD to sit beside him in that rusty Cavalier and never once complained when I had to get out and push!!

[moimeme]

I'd much rather ask someone what their 'passion' is rather than 'what they do for a living,' unless their work is their passion.

 

Problem with that is that if their work isn't their passion, it may spill over into other areas of life if they're dissatisfied.

 

Remember, I just said:

If he can't manage two of the three, there are likely pretty serious reasons why which will cause problems in other areas of the relationship.

 

The first was penniless because he was alcoholic and the second because he had serious disorders. That a person can't manage to have job, house, and/or car shoots up a BIG red flag to me that there are serious underlying issues.

[HokeyReligions]

If I were in my 20's and dating I would probably look more at potential. It sounds like maybe a money-management / time-management course would benefit you. Someone who works hard but lacks the disciplin to look ahead and make reasonable, attainable goals can learn and improve themselves. I wouldn't marry someone until they were able to do that. Knowing that about yourself is the first step in making a plan and once a financial plan is in place, executing it comes next. Prove to yourself that you can do it, and maintain it for YOU. I would (& have) dated men who showed some responsibility for themselves, even if they didn't have any money at the time.

 

If I were to start dating now, financial security and money-management would be at the top of my list. If the guy hasn't been able to save some money, invest it wisely (in a house for example, not in stereo equipment! LOL) and who understands the long-term responsibility and is prepared for it wouldn't make it past the first date.

 

And no, I'm not looking for a sugar-daddy. I've worked hard all my life, I support my husband and my mother. If I found myself single now my whole priority list would be totally different from what it was 20+ years ago. I would put up with a lot of personality traits, etc. now that I would never have considered before, for a man with financial stability and who has proven that he can handle money and finances responsibly.

[Frodo]

I don't have a house because I've invested my money in a business. I actually have more potential to earn money than say, a corporate accountant who's going to make the same amount every year. But I also have the chance of earning much less. But I manage my finances and have little debt and excellent credit. If this doesn't work, I can rebuild, I've done it before. Someone applying a stock formula to me, however, might not be able to see past the "standards".

 

The whole golddigging thing is sort of personal for me because on one side, if a woman can't deal with the higher level of risk I take in my life, it's not going to work. On the other side, If I do become highly successful, I know I'll have to deal with a bunch of sudden friends and acquaintences who won't have my best interest at heart. So I don't really want to see a woman talk too much about money, at least initially. Long-term, I understand.

 

I agree with you Moimeme, that you have to be careful of losers. It may be that you're saying the a similiar thing to what I'm saying, that you need to avoid the male golddiggers who can cause as much damage as the traditional ones.

 

Frodo

[moimeme]

you need to avoid the male golddiggers who can cause as much damage as the traditional ones

 

Exactly. Golddigging isn't restricted to females, after all.

[Frodo]

Knox,

 

Let me reiterate my point, don't mess with golddiggers. The career chicks probably won't mess with you while you're financially weak anyway, because they tend to box themselves into a "my hustbnd has to be more successful than me" trap. Kin dof sad.

 

that leaves poor women who aren't golddiggers. Some have jobs that will never make money like art. Try them, and you may have more luck.

[CaterpillarGirl]

Originally posted by Frodo

The career chicks probably won't mess with you while you're financially weak anyway, because they tend to box themselves into a "my hustbnd has to be more successful than me" trap. Kin dof sad.

.

 

Ehhh. Wrong again. What is this crap?! That is such a stereotype! I know many career women who make more money than their spouses or SOs (my own mother being one). I know of two whose husbands work inside the home. And, yes, of course, there are those who are married to equally financially favored men. There are many factors that people consider when evaluating a potential mate, and financial stability is just one of these, and may not even be an important one to some peope.

[Frodo]

Caterpillar, it is so true.

 

Women that get very successful have trouble getting married because they refuse to accept a man who makes less than them, or has proportional power. Then they bitch and whine because 'there aren't any good men who can deal with it'.

 

The men never had that problem, they did.

 

And even if they accept a man who doesn't make as much, they certainly won't accept a house husband.

 

This is reality.

[moimeme]

Women that get very successful have trouble getting married because they refuse to accept a man who makes less than them, or has proportional power. Then they bitch and whine because 'there aren't any good men who can deal with it'.

 

This is what we call a 'broad generalization'. This is different from information gleaned from a scientific study. Let's not confuse the two. Just because you have run into some women like this does not mean all women are like this.

[Frodo]

All women aren't successful. Only the ones that get that far exhibit this behavior.

 

Or maybe Joan Rivers is going to marry an accountant next. LOL.

[cdn]

My take is: yes. Once a guy is out of school he should show signs of being able to take care of himself and to live life as an independent adult. This includes both life and financial management skills.

 

This has nothing to do with gold-digging, by the way. I have out-earned several bf's and even my husband when we first met. How much money a person makes is influenced by many factors but is unrelated to financial responsibility. I have known people with a lot of money that they managed badly and others (myself included, early in my adult life) with little money they managed well. The reverse can also be true.

 

In your case, it sounds as though you made some mistakes and have learned from them. As long as you don't repeat the mistakes that landed you in your current situation, I would think that you'd be a great dating candidate.

[EnigmaXOXO]

And even if they accept a man who doesn't make as much, they certainly won't accept a house husband.

 

 

I WOULD! --- If I were independently wealthy, that is! Especially if there were children at home. Much better that they be raised by a caring, responsible parent than to be shuffled off into a daycare.

 

However, it doesn't matter who gets to stay home, so long as each partner puts in their fair share of the work. I wouldn't want to come home to a lazy partner who has done nothing around the house all day while I was stuck paying all the bills! On this point, I can certainly sympathize with men who have been complaining about their ungrateful wives for years.

 

Afterall, fair is fair!