my female friend thinks I play on women's emotions?

[KOH]

when I broke up with one of my GFs last night, a female friend started rambling about how I play on women's emotions.

 

the problem is, I never lead them on, I never tell any of the women I date that I'm looking for a serious relationship, I may withhold certain information, but even people looking for serious relationships withhold some information early in any relationship, so I don't think I'm being unfair here.

 

the problem is, she helps me break up with hard women, when one is too attached & I try not to hurt her feelings, she plays the ex, or when I'm in a horrible date, she plays the sister that shows up, so that is a bit hypocritical, don't you think? & no, I don't think doing that is wrong, because I'm breaking up with them anyway, & I try to do it the easy way, so I'm actually trying not to hurt their feelings.

 

& save the "you pig" kind of answers, I'm looking for a real opinion, I never EVER told any women that I'm looking for a serious relationship, I may say "I like you" or "I love you" in certain cases (without lying), but I never lead them on.

 

anyway, she actually tries hard pointing out their flaws, I actually think she doesn't want me to date because I'd be spending less time with her (in a platonic way of course).

[KOH]

It's been awhile since I've been out there dating, but you don't owe anyone any kind of gut spilling disclosure when thinking about dating or having sex these days other than an STD. People who want a relationship should get that out there on the front end before hopping in the sack or they deserve any disappointment they get.

 

THANK YOU, that's exactly my point.

[StoneCold]

Its up to them to decide what they do. They are big girlsthey need to be responible for their decisions and actions.

[rafallus]

when I broke up with one of my GFs last night, a female friend started rambling about how I play on women's emotions.

That means you're doing something right. In fact, I think you are supposed to play on women's emotions, otherwise she won't be romantically interested in you - I've never ever as little as heard of case proving otherwise, and every single case of interaction with a female in my life goes with that point.

 

Playing on emotions isn't inherently evil, it depends on your intentions. It's a manipulation, but if your girl says sth in a really nice and sweet voice to get you to do something, it's a manipulation too, but it needn't always be evil.

[KOH]

That means you're doing something right. In fact, I think you are supposed to play on women's emotions, otherwise she won't be romantically interested in you - I've never ever as little as heard of case proving otherwise, and every single case of interaction with a female in my life goes with that point.

 

Playing on emotions isn't inherently evil, it depends on your intentions. It's a manipulation, but if your girl says sth in a really nice and sweet voice to get you to do something, it's a manipulation too, but it needn't always be evil.

 

good points, my intentions are simple, its not just sex but companionship as well, I'm just not looking for a serious relationship, & its not my fault that a woman assumed otherwise.

[shayla]

Maybe I am reading wrong, but that seems like game playing and manipulation to me. Seems like things a teen would do. Also, you say the breakups are easy, but they are probably easy for you and not the one that you are breaking up with.

 

Just easier to be up front at the beginning, and give them the option instead of playing games.

 

Take that for what it's worth.

[iris219]

good points, my intentions are simple, its not just sex but companionship as well, I'm just not looking for a serious relationship, & its not my fault that a woman assumed otherwise.

 

If you don't say to these women, "I'm not looking for a serious relationship" it IS your fault. And it's not nice.

[iris219]

Maybe 50 years ago, not today, sorry. If someone wants a relationship, it's up to them to say today with all the random hooking up going on.

 

So it's up to the woman to say she wants a relationship, but not up to the OP to say he doesn't want one?

 

There are certain things you don't do morally because it's hurtful to people. I don't pretend to be interested in men I'm not interested in. Who says I love you to people they don't want to be in a relationship with, other than the OP? He sounds cruel and I think he's knows it.

[iris219]

Dating and sex used to be all about relationships in the past but aren't today.

 

For most women, dating is all about finding a long term relationship.

 

The OP isn't being entirely honest with women because honesty won't get him the desired result as often. If you have to not be completely honest with someone to get what you want from them, you are doing something unfair. By leaving out important facts, like not wanting a relationship but implying through his actions he does, these women are not able to make the best decision for themselves because they are operating under a different reality.

[StoneCold]

If you don't say to these women, "I'm not looking for a serious relationship" it IS your fault. And it's not nice.

 

Its not his responsibility to go out of his way to assume what their needs and wants are and address them.

 

They are big girls they should be responsible enough to clarify for themselves what they want.

[iJester]

KOH, I follow the same line of thought, but again, you are being a pussy and trying to delude yourself. Again, I do the same thing, so I know exactly what you're doing. You mislead intentionally with your actions and affections, and implying there's a future without directly saying you want a relationship. It's a pattern for a reason. Again, own your actions, pussy.

[StoneCold]

So it's up to the woman to say she wants a relationship, but not up to the OP to say he doesn't want one?

 

 

Its up to BOTH people to say what they want...period.

 

He doesnt have to say what he wants because hes getting it the way their friendship is currently...nothing serious. Its like saying I want a hamburger while eating a hamburger.

 

If you want something different from what you currently have its up to you to vocalize it....these days just because you go out on dates and have sex doesnt necessarily mean anything to both men or women. And I know many MANY women who arent affraid to make it clear about what they want and anything that happens before that point holds no weight with them....

Edited June 30, 2011 by StoneCold

[thatone]

For most women, dating is all about finding a long term relationship.

 

The OP isn't being entirely honest with women because honesty won't get him the desired result as often. If you have to not be completely honest with someone to get what you want from them, you are doing something unfair. By leaving out important facts, like not wanting a relationship but implying through his actions he does, these women are not able to make the best decision for themselves because they are operating under a different reality.

 

most is not all, therefore most cannot be applied to any individual by assumption.

 

i've had exactly one woman that i've met over the past year tell me exactly what she wanted. the rest are just as vague as the OP is, for exactly the same reasons (if they were honest they wouldn't get what they want, in many cases even if they were honest they wouldn't get what they want).

 

there are no free passes.

 

and there is only one reality, choosing not to participate in it due to a preference for a false reality is not an excuse that is worthy of someone else's guilt.

[iris219]

.

the rest are just as vague as the OP is

 

 

The OP isn't vague. He's specifically telling women what they want to hear in order to sleep with them. Saying "I love you" to someone you aren't seriously interested in is messed up!

[carhill]

OP, please describe 'certain information' and also your perspective on how sexual intimacy and consistent companionship is different from a 'serious relationship'.

 

Have you ever had a LTR or been married?

 

I've been mind-fµcked enough in life by women to have a certain amount of empathy for you; however, habits you form can come back to bite you later in life. Whether this 'situational disclosure' is one of them, IDK. I can say that being mind-fµcked, and the resultant feelings, has disinclined me to behaving in a similar fashion. YMMV.

[StoneCold]

most is not all, therefore most cannot be applied to any individual by assumption.

 

i've had exactly one woman that i've met over the past year tell me exactly what she wanted. the rest are just as vague as the OP is, for exactly the same reasons (if they were honest they wouldn't get what they want, in many cases even if they were honest they wouldn't get what they want).

 

there are no free passes.

 

and there is only one reality, choosing not to participate in it due to a preference for a false reality is not an excuse that is worthy of someone else's guilt.

 

As they say...all is fair in love and war....

 

Yeah there is a certain degree of playing/misleading going on... BOTH sides do it...and it happens all the time or else that much less people will be hooking up. Its a game to both sides.....its up to you and you only to...

 

1) ensure that your mandate and expectations are clear

2) ensure that the relationship/friendship remains beneficial according to what your definition of "beneficial" is.

3) decide to take actions to address problems as you see them, stay or leave

 

 

You cant put this on others

[Andy_K]

I have to agree with iris on this. Really, it is pretty easy to tell if a girl is looking more something a little more meaningful than a roll in the hay.

 

And if you pick up on these clues and it's not what you're looking for, you should talk to the girl about it rather than continue to screw with her feelings. If you have a conscience and some integrity.

 

Be a decent person and make the world a better place...

[StoneCold]

Oh please, I've had dozens of women say ILY to me who weren't seriously interested in me for a relationship but who were interested in some NSA. It's like a handshake these days. People need to avoid hopping into bed with or getting emotionally involved with people they don't know well if they are likely to get their feellings hurt. Even if OP had said "I want to date you exclusively and love you forever and ever" he has the right to change his mind the very next day, women certainly reserve the right to change their minds about someone at the drop of a hat. What if the sex wasn't compatible or he had a tiny penis or he had chronic bad breath or she snored too loudly or had a screechy laugh? People have the right to move on whenever they want, even if their reasons seem silly, until a ring is on the finger, and women certainly take advantage of this right as much as if not more than men.

 

aye to that

[shayla]

Its not his responsibility to go out of his way to assume what their needs and wants are and address them.

 

They are big girls they should be responsible enough to clarify for themselves what they want.

 

 

As a MAN approaching these woman, yes. It is his responsibility to make it clear what he is approaching them for. Then everyone is clear and a decision can be made from there. I cannot imagine a grown man playing these kinds of games.

[shayla]

Oh please, I've had dozens of women say ILY to me who weren't seriously interested in me for a relationship but who were interested in some NSA. It's like a handshake these days. People need to avoid hopping into bed with or getting emotionally involved with people they don't know well if they are likely to get their feellings hurt. Even if OP had said "I want to date you exclusively and love you forever and ever" he has the right to change his mind the very next day, women certainly reserve the right to change their minds about someone at the drop of a hat. What if the sex wasn't compatible or he had a tiny penis or he had chronic bad breath or she snored too loudly or had a screechy laugh? People have the right to move on whenever they want, even if their reasons seem silly, until a ring is on the finger, and women certainly take advantage of this right as much as if not more than men.

 

There is a difference between changing your mind and purposely lying and manipulating to get what you want. And using a girl friend to play act to make it easy break up with a girl that's been manipulated is high school. Sorry.

[Eddie Edirol]

when I broke up with one of my GFs last night, a female friend started rambling about how I play on women's emotions.

 

the problem is, I never lead them on, I never tell any of the women I date that I'm looking for a serious relationship, I may withhold certain information, but even people looking for serious relationships withhold some information early in any relationship, so I don't think I'm being unfair here.

 

the problem is, she helps me break up with hard women, when one is too attached & I try not to hurt her feelings, she plays the ex, or when I'm in a horrible date, she plays the sister that shows up, so that is a bit hypocritical, don't you think? & no, I don't think doing that is wrong, because I'm breaking up with them anyway, & I try to do it the easy way, so I'm actually trying not to hurt their feelings.

 

& save the "you pig" kind of answers, I'm looking for a real opinion, I never EVER told any women that I'm looking for a serious relationship, I may say "I like you" or "I love you" in certain cases (without lying), but I never lead them on.

 

anyway, she actually tries hard pointing out their flaws, I actually think she doesn't want me to date because I'd be spending less time with her (in a platonic way of course).

 

If youre hanging out with them, treating them like a girlfriend, they are going to think you want to be a boyfriend. Especially if you dont say different, that is leading them on.

 

If youre withholding information to keep the women from dropping you when they know they wont get a relationship from you, THAT is manipulation, it IS leading them on, it IS unfair, because you know they are hoping for it. You know they arent talking about it to keep from turning you off to them, to keep from being pushy, and you take advantage of this.

 

And you dont care about these womens feelings, you just dont want to deal with breaking up with them the manly way, and deal with the situation that YOU caused.

 

If you get with these women just to have sex with them, just admit it. You dont tell them youre not looking for a relationship so you can fool them into hoping so you can get laid.

 

Its extremely immature, but if you enjoy doing it, you dont have to care that youre being unfair to them.

[StoneCold]

As a MAN approaching these woman, yes. It is his responsibility to make it clear what he is approaching them for. Then everyone is clear and a decision can be made from there. I cannot imagine a grown man playing these kinds of games.

 

So what are you implying? that women are either too damn lazy or out right incapable of communicating what they want? Its THEIR wants, why cant they be responsible for that?

 

If a man approaches a woman it would be foolish to assume that it will blossom into a relationship right away. At that point all he is doing is approaching her to get to know her better and take baby steps from there...and as men we are quite clear about that.

 

If he didnt say anything about a relationship why would you assume it? I cannot imagine a grown woman being this foolish...

 

"Initiative" is like a 4 letter word to some women eh? some women need to stop going off with this idea that the opposite sex owes them something

Edited June 30, 2011 by StoneCold

[KOH]

OP, please describe 'certain information' and also your perspective on how sexual intimacy and consistent companionship is different from a 'serious relationship'.

 

Have you ever had a LTR or been married?

 

I've been mind-fµcked enough in life by women to have a certain amount of empathy for you; however, habits you form can come back to bite you later in life. Whether this 'situational disclosure' is one of them, IDK. I can say that being mind-fµcked, and the resultant feelings, has disinclined me to behaving in a similar fashion. YMMV.

 

certain information like how many partners I've had in the past...etc.

 

as for the second question, the last LTR I've had was when I was a teenager, I've actually had three GFs, & yes I admit I mislead them back then & promised marriage...etc, but that's in the past & I was a silly teenager, but now, I never promise LTRs, & its not my fault if a woman assumed that I'm looking for one.

[Woggle]

Women can't shout their right to have casual sex from the rooftops while at the same time acting like the poor victim when they get it. Women are not fragile little flowers.

[KOH]

How is what OP does one bit different than a woman who "lies and manipulates" by acting like she is happy with things casual in hopes of keeping a guy interested hoping he will come around one day when she really wanted a relationship from the get-go but was afraid to say so and chase him off? It's not really, and few would fault the girl for that other than that she is being naive. But how it's really different is that men won't try to lay blame on a woman like that after the fact to make theselves feel better. And I'm not agreeing that OP has lied to or manipulated anyone without more info. I don't see how OP has been this big liar to these women, and don't care who he play acts breakups with.

 

People are responsible for stating their own wishes and not presuming things based on unrelated behavior. In 2011 a sexual approach, pass or even asking out on a date is not necessarily related to an invitation to a relationship and if someone thinks otherwise it's on them to say so.

 

I've dated someone exactly like that last year, she knew that I'm not looking for any kind of serious relationship, & when I broke up with her, she started crying & telling me how I played her & how I'm like "all other men"...excuse me, but you already knew that I'm not looking for a serious relationship, some of the women I've dated assumed that they were my GFs (even though I never told them we're in a serious relationship), but in this case, she knew exactly how our relationship was.

 

so how did I play her?