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How do I tell him I can't do this anymore?


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Old 2nd June 2011, 4:49 PM   #1
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How do I tell him I can't do this anymore?

I met this guy. Everything was wonderful, he was great with me. Nothing that could possibly go wrong, did go wrong. Then he dropped the bomb on me, he was fresh out of a four-year relationship. Still in contact with his ex.
He said he wanted to be fair and tell me. He also said he was in love with me but noticed that he wasn't ready to dive into a new relationship just yet. Basically he asked for time and space. I agreed.
Now we see each other casually. About once a week. He takes me to special places like his favourite place, watching sunset at the beach. He holds my hand. He holds me close and says stuff like he wished everything could be easier for us. Plans things we could do in the future. I enjoy being with him, our conversation flow greatly, I have a lot of fun with him. He says the same for himself.
But I figured that I can't do this anymore. I hate waiting around for him to be ready. I like him very, very much. But I can't take being somewhere in between a relationship and casual dating anymore. It hurts me but I think I have to walk away now.

Now I don't really know how to approach this. I'm so torn inside because I know it will hurt both of us to break off what we have. He's understanding and cares very much about how I feel and what's best for me. So he'll probably not try to pressure me into anything.

I want to stand firm by my decision and not change my mind when I talk to him. How do I do that?
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Old 2nd June 2011, 4:57 PM   #2
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Brava for you being smart about this and not just waiting around. He's just out of a longterm relationship and has told you that he isn't ready yet. He has given you everything you need to know. He needs time and space - so give it to him. Really, give him time and space and agree not to see or talk to him. Seeing each other once a week is not giving it time and space. I can understand how he could be confused and how he wouldn't want to miss a great opportunity but he just has to deal with it and so do you.

Tell him that you really like him but also kindly tell him that you aren't comfortable waiting and need to move on. If it's meant to be and you want to come back together eventually then do so. But this guy needs a cooling off period of at least a few months.
No contact.
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Old 2nd June 2011, 5:28 PM   #3
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Look, the rational side of me has this straight. BUt there's still this hopelessly romantic side of me that tells me, maybe if the timing isn't right but the person is, you just have to wait it out.
Walking away is not what my heart wants, so it's damn hard to stand by it.
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Old 2nd June 2011, 5:38 PM   #4
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Life is hard but he has clearly told you he wants time and you must give him this time. He has not fully healed from his past relationship but at least he was honest in telling you this.

"He's understanding and cares very much about how I feel and what's best for me." Nah he doesn't care what's best for you or he wouldn't be leading you on like he is. You're his fall back girl because he's not over his ex. Heck they may even get back together if you don't work out. Don't be that girl. Get out now. REEEEEEEEEDDDDDDDDDDD FLAG!

You now must disappear with No Contact at all. You will get over this but this relationship would have never worked out since he has a lot of healing and "finding himself" to do. Don't wait or be strung along. Learn from your mistakes and don't fall in love with a guy so fast. This is a learning experience for you. This guy was dishonest to you at first and now decides to come clean with you. Makes you wonder what else? Just get out by saying what you mean and mean what you say. It's over. Move on in your life.

Good luck!

Last edited by FrostFire; 2nd June 2011 at 5:42 PM..
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Old 2nd June 2011, 7:31 PM   #5
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My input:

Dating works if both people are at the same level and want the same things. If you both wanted something casual then great!
When one person wants something casual and the other wants something more, it's no longer compatible and results in at least one person not getting their needs met anymore. Not getting what they're actually there for. That's not reasonable at all.

Suggestion for what to tell him:
I really understand your situation and respect that you've been clear with me about your needs. We need different things right now and they're not compatible/we can't meet each other's needs. The timing is off for us and I have to stop dating you right now. (this may not be perfect wording, but maybe a place to start)

Suggestions for how to make sure you do it and stick with it:
Make sure you're not just doing this to get him to come closer. If you think that might be the case, write a letter to yourself as though you're your own best friend about why you must to end it. Set a date/time limit and put it in writing. Talk to friends and hash it over with them until you know consciously that you need to end it, however promise yourself that you will end it regardless if the situation is still the same by the time limit.
Tell one or more people who are close to you that you are ending it and about the time limit. Make yourself accountable to your friends and to yourself. If you have to, write down what you're going to say and go to a friend's house to make the call. This way you can't back out, you can go into another room, end it, and then you know you have the support of your friend(s), as well as a bottle of wine and some ice cream waiting for you when you come out.
After the break up, no contact is best. If you can't handle the idea right now of cutting him out forever, just give yourself a time period of no contact. If he wants to be friends, make the time period clear to him. If he calls or emails, stick to your word and don't answer, as that would be a boundary violation. Again make yourself accountable to your friends and to yourself by telling someone about this time period and putting it in writing.

Hope some of this helps. Good luck!
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Old 2nd June 2011, 7:36 PM   #6
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FrostFire got it right. He knows what you want, knows he can't give it to you, but is sticking around anyway. How is that fair to you?

I think the initial pain of breaking things off will be much easier to deal with than the continual pain of staying with him knowing that he's not ready to fully be with you. Rip off the band-aid. It will get better.
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Old 2nd June 2011, 10:08 PM   #7
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Make it easy on yourself... Text him...

  • "It's over... good bye and NC!!"
  • Put his phone number ring tone on silent..
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"The best engine in the world is the vagina, it takes any size piston, its self lubricating, starts with 1 finger, and every 4 weeks does an oil change. It's a pity the ECU is so damn temperamental." My 2011 online dating experience http://www.loveshack.org/forums/show...92#post3427992
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Old 2nd June 2011, 10:50 PM   #8
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Oh dear, my view of this is not good ...

"I met this guy. Everything was wonderful, he was great with me. Nothing that could possibly go wrong, did go wrong. Then he dropped the bomb on me, he was fresh out of a four-year relationship."

And why didn't he tell you this from the start? Hmm ...

"Still in contact with his ex."

Sounds likely that she dumped him and he's not over it. Be very wary.

"He also said he was in love with me but noticed that he wasn't ready to dive into a new relationship just yet. Basically he asked for time and space."

He's in love with you? How long has he known you? If he was in love with you, there'd be no question about a relationship - he'd want you all to himself.

"Now we see each other casually. About once a week. He takes me to special places like his favourite place, watching sunset at the beach. He holds my hand. He holds me close and says stuff like he wished everything could be easier for us. Plans things we could do in the future. I enjoy being with him, our conversation flow greatly, I have a lot of fun with him. He says the same for himself."

Are you sleeping with the guy? It sounds like you might not be and he's hoping you will. He probably wishes you were more willing to sleep with him without commitment.

"But I figured that I can't do this anymore. I hate waiting around for him to be ready. I like him very, very much. But I can't take being somewhere in between a relationship and casual dating anymore. It hurts me but I think I have to walk away now."

He's not offering you anything, just sweet nothings about being in love. Guys who are serious about being in love don't usually say it too soon and they are usually very careful about declaring it - mainly because it matters a heck of a lot to them whether you feel the same way.

"Now I don't really know how to approach this. I'm so torn inside because I know it will hurt both of us to break off what we have. He's understanding and cares very much about how I feel and what's best for me. So he'll probably not try to pressure me into anything."

He's still hoping you'll give him what he wants without commitment. He's saying he's a poor thing who can't offer you more but still wants something. I wouldn't recommend accepting this half-hearted offering, it's not enough and you would be selling yourself short.

"I want to stand firm by my decision and not change my mind when I talk to him. How do I do that?"

By being certain that you deserve someone wholehearted. Draw a boundary and say this is not enough for me. Even if you are one your own for a while after, your self-esteem will rise because you'll know you respected your self. Your needs matter.
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Old 3rd June 2011, 4:22 AM   #9
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Quote:
Originally Posted by spiderowl View Post

"I met this guy. Everything was wonderful, he was great with me. Nothing that could possibly go wrong, did go wrong. Then he dropped the bomb on me, he was fresh out of a four-year relationship."

And why didn't he tell you this from the start? Hmm ...
His answer to this question was that if he told me right from the start, I wouldn't have wanted to get to know him. I told him how selfish that was. He said he knew but that he didn't want to miss out on the opportunity to get to know me.

Quote:
"Still in contact with his ex."

Sounds likely that she dumped him and he's not over it. Be very wary.
He says it was a mutual decision. Granted he could be lying to me.

Quote:
"He also said he was in love with me but noticed that he wasn't ready to dive into a new relationship just yet. Basically he asked for time and space."

He's in love with you? How long has he known you? If he was in love with you, there'd be no question about a relationship - he'd want you all to himself.
He's known me for 4 months. We have this thing going on for about 2 months.

Quote:
"Now we see each other casually. About once a week. He takes me to special places like his favourite place, watching sunset at the beach. He holds my hand. He holds me close and says stuff like he wished everything could be easier for us. Plans things we could do in the future. I enjoy being with him, our conversation flow greatly, I have a lot of fun with him. He says the same for himself."

Are you sleeping with the guy? It sounds like you might not be and he's hoping you will. He probably wishes you were more willing to sleep with him without commitment.
No I'm not sleeping with him. And I won't, unless there would be commitment. But he never even tried to get me in a situation where that would be an option. We don't meet up at each other's apartments.

Quote:
"But I figured that I can't do this anymore. I hate waiting around for him to be ready. I like him very, very much. But I can't take being somewhere in between a relationship and casual dating anymore. It hurts me but I think I have to walk away now."

He's not offering you anything, just sweet nothings about being in love. Guys who are serious about being in love don't usually say it too soon and they are usually very careful about declaring it - mainly because it matters a heck of a lot to them whether you feel the same way.
Well, he said it once and not so directly. The situation was weird we were discussing what was next for us after he told me about his ex. And he said something like this: "You know, I think I'm already a little bit in love with you. And it scares me." I replied with: "That doesn't help me at all in this situation." That probably was a bit rude but I really didn't feel like telling him how I feel about him which, thinking about it, I've never directly done.

Quote:
"Now I don't really know how to approach this. I'm so torn inside because I know it will hurt both of us to break off what we have. He's understanding and cares very much about how I feel and what's best for me. So he'll probably not try to pressure me into anything."

He's still hoping you'll give him what he wants without commitment. He's saying he's a poor thing who can't offer you more but still wants something. I wouldn't recommend accepting this half-hearted offering, it's not enough and you would be selling yourself short.
He says he doesn't want more until the situation has changed. I said I wouldn't be willing to give more. He said thas was ok.

Quote:
"I want to stand firm by my decision and not change my mind when I talk to him. How do I do that?"

By being certain that you deserve someone wholehearted. Draw a boundary and say this is not enough for me. Even if you are one your own for a while after, your self-esteem will rise because you'll know you respected your self. Your needs matter.
Though above I've made some excuses for him, I know I still have to get out of this situation. But it's hard for me. I want to tell him in person, I won't do it over phone/text, I give myself 10 days to be done with this.
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Old 3rd June 2011, 4:36 AM   #10
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Let me ask you something, has he alluded to the fact that eventually this could turn into a relationship? You haven't been seeing him that long, he is fresh out of a relationship, and the two of you aren't sleeping together so I don't see why you couldn't give him a bit more time unless you just don't think this is going anywhere.
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Old 3rd June 2011, 4:51 AM   #11
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Quote:
Originally Posted by heartshaped View Post
Let me ask you something, has he alluded to the fact that eventually this could turn into a relationship? You haven't been seeing him that long, he is fresh out of a relationship, and the two of you aren't sleeping together so I don't see why you couldn't give him a bit more time unless you just don't think this is going anywhere.
He hasn't alluded to it. He has told me straightforward that a relationship is what he eventually would want with me. He says he can imagine the two of us would work very well. But that he feels it's not fair to start a new relationship with his issues still mostly unresolved.

It's just that being somewhere in between a relationship and just casual dating is hard on me. I'm an overthinker, so it's almost constantly on my mind. I don't know if I can take this anymore without it influencing other aspects of my life. This is where I'm coming from when thinking about not seeing him anymore.
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Old 3rd June 2011, 5:11 AM   #12
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Hmm..this seems almost like an impossible situation. Obviously, if this is starting to influence other areas of your life you have to break things off, but in a situation like this, you might find yourself wondering what if somewhere down the road.
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Old 3rd June 2011, 10:35 AM   #13
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If he doesn't want a R with you, then he isn't in love with you.

Tell him that you would like to see him again if he can commit to you only. Then delete his FB, delete his tp# and do not contact him.
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Old 3rd June 2011, 3:45 PM   #14
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Originally Posted by Lucky_One View Post
If he doesn't want a R with you, then he isn't in love with you.
If that's the one and only truth. And it's really that easy. Then how do I get that into my mind?
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Old 3rd June 2011, 10:27 PM   #15
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If a guy says he thinks he's a "little bit in love with you and it scares him" ... I'd say utter drivel! If he had strong feelings for you, you would know it. He would be trying to get a commitment from you and showing signs of wanting to stake his claim when others were around. The only reason it scares him is that he knows he's not in love with you but he likes you and knows he needs to form some kind of relationship with you to get sex. That's scary when you're not feeling attached to someone. He's still attached to his ex (so he says) and is hanging around hoping you'll change your mind about sex without commitment. Don't you deserve a guy who's really a lot in love with you and wants you to know you are his priority?
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