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Boyfriend says he wants to marry me


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Old 24th May 2011, 12:31 AM   #1
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Boyfriend says he wants to marry me

My boyfriend of only 6 months has not asked me but told me that he wants to marry me someday and that I'm the girl for him. We're both in our late twenties and while I think he's amazing and often picture what it would be like to be married to him I couldn't say the same thing back to him tonight. He tried to hide it but I could tell he was a little disappointed in my seemingly guarded attitude.

I feel that I would be comfortable dating someone a year before even moving in with them and at only 6 months, talking about marriage seems like it's going so fast. I see the divorce rates now a days and I'm obsessed with taking things slow and making the right choices based on the right reasons. Sometimes I don't know if I'm stupidly over cautious or just being smart.

He's very understanding and I doubt this will cause much turbulence but I don't know what to say. He left my place looking extremely down. Before he told me he wanted to marry me he had some hesitation and said that what he was about to tell me might make me feel uneasy...and for some reason - it did. I don't understand because I do love him, can picture us together and I wanted to say it back but I just got uncomfortable. Something flashed in my head saying that this talk was too soon.

All he was doing was being honest, making sure I knew how much he cared for me and I'm mad at myself for being scared of it. It's what everyone wants. In my last relationship all I wanted was this kind of commitment and profession from the guy and now it all feels so soon.

Do I let this go or do I talk about this with him again? He seems to be put off by some of the guidelines I have about waiting at least a year to move in. I'm not really willing to budge as they are my boundaries and it's my comfort level I'm dealing with but....what should I do? let this go or talk about it more with him?
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Old 24th May 2011, 12:38 AM   #2
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You are a wise person. Stick to your boundaries, if he really walks the walk he talks, he will happily wait for you as long as he feels he isn't being strung along, and nothing in your post suggests that he has grounds to feel that way. The cliche is that in every relationship, there is a balance of power with one weaker party and one stronger. Be the stronger, who do you trust with the power more, you or him? YOU of course! Machiavellian yes, but generally the way to go.
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Old 24th May 2011, 1:59 AM   #3
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Yes in 6 months you really don't know someone well enough to get married to them.

The way my father puts it at least a year of dating before getting engaged and a year of engagement before getting married. That gives enough time to really get to know someone once there's no more shine on the penny.
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Old 24th May 2011, 3:15 AM   #4
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wait for a year, he might change his tune
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Old 24th May 2011, 8:50 AM   #5
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Originally Posted by Mrlonelyone View Post
Yes in 6 months you really don't know someone well enough to get married to them.

The way my father puts it at least a year of dating before getting engaged and a year of engagement before getting married. That gives enough time to really get to know someone once there's no more shine on the penny.
My mother said the same thing to me when I was younger. She and my father met and married within one calendar year and she said it was too soon and that you should wait at least a year. I told him this and though he was respectful he talked about him not believing in social rules and everything.

Well maybe so but I do believe in statistics and my boundaries. I guess my approach to it is sucking the romance out of everything.

I guess my red flag is that he isn't really willing to consider when we fall out of this honeymoon stage. I told him that we will eventually and we both need to see how we handle each other when times get tough and we arent so lovey dovey - he just says that we won't let ourselves fall out of it. It just sounds king of immature and as if he's in denial about how relationships work.

I don't know. Anyone had this? I feel like when the fire does die down between us he will freak out and not understand it's part of the natural rhythm of things
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Old 24th May 2011, 9:01 AM   #6
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You should let him go so he can find someone without commitment anxiety/phobia. With your last relationship you were transferring your own hesitation on to your bf when it was you with the issue. Now that you have the guy who wants commitment you are a panic attack away from a stroke. It has finally come home to roost. You don't want to be in a lasting partnership. Time to deal. This doesn't mean you get to hold on to him until you get over yourself. You'll never get over it. It is a deep-seated, indelible personality flaw. You should already be feeling like your clock is running down but you don't. Not even the fear of age will get you to sprint for the marriage bed. You need to give him his walking papers. It isn't right to monopolize him in order to satisfy your ego.
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Old 24th May 2011, 9:04 AM   #7
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Yup stick to your guns, I was in a simlar spot with my last ex. Six months in we moved in together after much pressure from her, then the marriage talk started, at this point I was getting out of the "honeymoon" phase with her, and while I still loved her I looked at her and knew there were going to be alot of hurdles if this was ever going to work long term. 1 year later she relised that too and didn't want to work anymore and cheated on me, which was the push I needed to move on so actually was releaved she did that as wierd as it sounds.
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Old 24th May 2011, 9:08 AM   #8
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Originally Posted by skirt swoosh View Post
You should let him go so he can find someone without commitment anxiety/phobia. With your last relationship you were transferring your own hesitation on to your bf when it was you with the issue. Now that you have the guy who wants commitment you are a panic attack away from a stroke. It has finally come home to roost. You don't want to be in a lasting partnership. Time to deal. This doesn't mean you get to hold on to him until you get over yourself. You'll never get over it. It is a deep-seated, indelible personality flaw. You should already be feeling like your clock is running down but you don't. Not even the fear of age will get you to sprint for the marriage bed. You need to give him his walking papers. It isn't right to monopolize him in order to satisfy your ego.
You have GOT to be kidding me. What a waste of a post.
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Old 24th May 2011, 9:10 AM   #9
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I don't think you should let it go, because if you do it'll come back up in a negative light, or he'll be too scared of being hurt to express his feelings to you. Just tell him what you told us, something along the lines of, "I'm sorry if I came off a bit harsh the other day when I didn't say I wanted to marry you, too, but I do love you very much and can imagine us being married...I just feel that way may be rushing things a little if we already start talking about marriage."

That's what I would do.

Last edited by Gentalmanly; 24th May 2011 at 9:13 AM..
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Old 24th May 2011, 9:14 AM   #10
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Originally Posted by Gentalmanly View Post
I don't think you should let it go, because if it does it'll come back up in a negative light, or he'll be too scared of being hurt to express his feelings to you. Just tell him what you told us, something along the lines of, "I'm sorry if I came off a bit harsh the other day when I didn't say I wanted to marry you, too, but I do love you very much and can imagine us being married...I just feel that way may be rushing things a little if we already start talking about marriage."

That's what I would do.
Thanks - I suppose in a way I did say "I don't want to marry you" when I was saying "I don't know if now is the time to talk about it so seriously just yet."
I so much appreciate why he told me, because he wanted me to know how he feels and I, in turn, told him how I honestly felt. I think I have a need to repeat myself quite a bit so I'm eager to talk about this again but I meant what I said last night and he heard me. I think it will be ok - we will see what I say this weekend.
Thanks for advice.
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Old 24th May 2011, 9:15 AM   #11
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You have GOT to be kidding me. What a waste of a post.
You've got to be kidding me that you are so spoiled and selfish you can't see the common denominator in the farce that is your life has always been you.
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Old 24th May 2011, 9:21 AM   #12
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Skir
t - where exactly did you get the vital piece of information that I'm a commitment phobe? Reread what I said - I'm in a committed relationship. And where exactly in my post did you see me having a panic attack? Sounds like you are transferring some of your own issues onto this post. It's clear you're just trying to get a rise out of me on all of this.

Don't bother posting as I'll just see your skirt icon and just skip over what you say since it's based on god knows what and you're just trying to rile people up.
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Old 24th May 2011, 9:30 AM   #13
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I dunno know if you did or not, but I think you should tell him exactly what you told us.

"I think you're amazing and often picture what it would be like to be married to you, but I feel that I would be comfortable dating someone a year before even moving in with them and at only 6 months, talking about marriage seems like it's going so fast." Then something like "I want us to last"

That would be your true feeling (I assume, lol, this is what you're telling us), and it doesn't change your stance on the situation.

Just saying "I don't know if now is the time to talk about it so seriously just yet." only tips the ice berg.
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Old 24th May 2011, 9:34 AM   #14
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Originally Posted by Gentalmanly View Post
I dunno know if you did or not, but I think you should tell him exactly what you told us.

"I think you're amazing and often picture what it would be like to be married to you, but I feel that I would be comfortable dating someone a year before even moving in with them and at only 6 months, talking about marriage seems like it's going so fast." Then something like "I want us to last"

That would be your true feeling (I assume, lol, this is what you're telling us), and it doesn't change your stance on the situation.

Just saying "I don't know if now is the time to talk about it so seriously just yet." only tips the ice berg.
I agree - I actually did tell him almost word-for-word what you suggested - that I was 100% committed to him and I am so looking forward to our future together - but something in his face made him look like he was very disappointed. I wasn't sure what he was looking for. Perhaps my initial facial expression didn't look like what he was expecting?
Our communication is good I just am unsure if I reiterate these points again and seemingly beat a dead horse or let it go and show him through my actions how much I love him and how much I love being in this relationship with him.
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Old 24th May 2011, 9:41 AM   #15
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I agree - I actually did tell him almost word-for-word what you suggested - that I was 100% committed to him and I am so looking forward to our future together - but something in his face made him look like he was very disappointed. I wasn't sure what he was looking for. Perhaps my initial facial expression didn't look like what he was expecting?
Our communication is good I just am unsure if I reiterate these points again and seemingly beat a dead horse or let it go and show him through my actions how much I love him and how much I love being in this relationship with him.
Ok since you said something similar you should probably let it go. He should understand your sentiments. It's expected that he'd look disappointed, but he should (should as in "most likely" not "needs to") get over it in no time.

Hope all goes well.
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