Dating Differences: Europe vs. North America

[waynesworld]

There's a good chance I'll soon be moving to Europe for a couple of years for work. Is dating there much different than it is in North America? I've been told that the European attitude and approach to dating is a lot different: there are far fewer "rules" and games, and multi-dating is rare. Is this true? For any of you who have lived and dated on both continents, is there any advice you can share?

[wuggle]

I think there are differences, certainly in US it seems acceptable to 'multi-date' whereas in most European countries there is an assumed commitment to one person when you start dating, dating multiple people is a no go, which has benefits, if you are just dating one person and you are a couple from the off then it's possible to get closer sooner and there is less scope for misunderstandings.

[Rose T]

Hi waynesworld!

 

I'd agree with wuggle on the multi-dating thing, particularly in the Uk - apart from in the very very early stages of dating, seeing more than one person isn't really tolerated. The idea is that you would at least drop the rest if you find a good connection with one.

 

You might want to specify where you're moving to though as Europe is a huge place! I've lived in the Uk and am now in Italy, and boy, the dating style is very different. I guess this is partly due to cultural differences but there are a lot of variances across the continent. Good luck!

[East7]

Very interesting Topic !

 

I confirm british posters said, in France, Spain and Italy, multi-dating is a deal-breaker. There is a assumed/unspoken rule than when you start to date you become exclusive.

 

Also in Europe, women don't expect guys to pay for the dates, in general "daters" split the bill or each of them offers politely to pay.

 

Eastern Europe is different though, guys are almost always supposed to pay, lots of awesome women but lots of gold-diggers too

 

As for the rest I don't see any major differences...

[East7]

I've lived in the Uk and am now in Italy, and boy, the dating style is very different. I guess this is partly due to cultural differences but there are a lot of variances across the continent.

 

Sorry for T/J...just curious to know what is different in Italy ?

[Taramere]

Very interesting Topic !

 

I confirm british posters said, in France, Spain and Italy, multi-dating is a deal-breaker. There is a assumed/unspoken rule than when you start to date you become exclusive.

 

Yep. There are times I've gone out with a guy, had a connection with him and then he's indicated that he's seeing other women. Some men do seem to think that as long as they present a sense of confidence that you should be fine with that, you will be fine with it.

 

I'm not fine with it. I wouldn't fall out with a guy over it, or get angry with him, but I'd end any romantic connection. A couple of times when I've indicated that I didn't want to date a guy again on the basis that he had other women on the go, I received a reaction which I thought was pretty disingenuous in its surprise and disappointment.

[waynesworld]

Hi everyone, and thanks for your responses. You're confirming what I've been told by colleagues.

 

It looks like I'll be moving to France or Switzerland... and probably gaining weight as a result.

 

I also hear that the whole flirting dynamic is different too. There's more touching apparently, and initial dates are less formal, with the woman paying her own way.

[january2011]

Also in Europe, women don't expect guys to pay for the dates, in general "daters" split the bill or each of them offers politely to pay.

 

I'm in the UK and this has not been my experience. I think that if you date within certain more traditional cultures within the UK, the guy still mainly pays - at least at the beginning.

 

Otherwise, my experience regarding multi-dating has been similar in that it's a no-no. Though, I thought it was a generational difference rather than a geographical difference.

[musemaj11]

Britain, France, Spain, Italy and Eastern European countries are not much less traditional than the US, although the difference is that in those countries the women also abide to their own traditional 'responsibilities' unlike here where women want men to be 'men' while they believe they themselves on the other hand can choose to do whatever they want.

 

If you want a more egalitarian society, go to Central or Northern Europe. Go to the Netherlands, Germany, Sweden, Norway, etc.

 

But then again, you can go to any other country and the women there will still be better than American women. LOL

Edited March 14, 2011 by musemaj11

[musemaj11]

I'm Swedish, yep things are less traditional and it's not always the man who has to pay.

 

But here's the thing.

 

Swedish women are mostly feminists, and it has really gone too far over here with all that gender equality bs.

 

They want for example that children should wear "unisex" clothing, some are so extreme that they'll dress up their small boys in pink dresses just to "protest" against gender roles. It might sound like I'm kidding... But the sad thing is, I'm not.

 

Evereything that is seen as manly and masculine is seen as bad basicly.

If you think thats bad, then come to America. Here women want men who are everything so they dont have to do anything.

 

Ill trade places with you happily.

[aztattooedsean]

If you think thats bad, then come to America. Here women want men who are everything so they dont have to do anything.

 

Ill trade places with you happily.

 

 

Women don't have to do anything over here in the US? I haven't seen that and there are many generalizations going on as no one is the same in any country.

[East7]

Hi everyone, and thanks for your responses. You're confirming what I've been told by colleagues.

 

It looks like I'll be moving to France or Switzerland... and probably gaining weight as a result.

 

I also hear that the whole flirting dynamic is different too. There's more touching apparently, and initial dates are less formal, with the woman paying her own way.

 

I live in France and I think we flirt less than in US (just my opinion). Here people don't really flirt unless they are really interested. I find US women much more flirty even when they are not necessarily interested, it is like a kind of game for them to have attention. Here it means that the women is really interested if she complements you and say nice words.

 

Also here women don't play games. If she is interested she accepts easily to go out with you. Here it is not considered dating until you have passed the stage of kissing her and holding hands. Until it hasn't gone physical it is just hanging out.

 

As for the touching, I don't know if it is so different... What's typical is that you NEVER shake hands with women in France unless it is your boss or a client. You always kiss her on the cheeks even if they are co-workers. You don't hug a woman here unless you are really familiar or close friend with her. Sounds weird, I know, you can kiss her but no hugging.

 

Also dating is less formal which means that you are distracted without making it very 'ceremonial' and necessarily paying an expensive dinner. I have never seen guys here pull chairs and open the car door, that is considered too much.

[musemaj11]

I live in France and I think we flirt less than in US (just my opinion). Here people don't really flirt unless they are really interested. I find US women much more flirty even when they are not necessarily interested, it is like a kind of game for them to have attention. Here it means that the women is really interested if she complements you and say nice words.

 

Also here women don't play games. If she is interested she accepts easily to go out with you. Here it is not considered dating until you have passed the stage of kissing her and holding hands. Until it hasn't gone physical it is just hanging out.

 

As for the touching, I don't know if it is so different... What's typical is that you NEVER shake hands with women in France unless it is your boss or a client. You always kiss her on the cheeks even if they are co-workers. You don't hug a woman here unless you are really familiar or close friend with her. Sounds weird, I know, you can kiss her but no hugging.

 

Also dating is less formal which means that you are distracted without making it very 'ceremonial' and necessarily paying an expensive dinner. I have never seen guys here pull chairs and open the car door, that is considered too much.

It does sound like anywhere is better than America.

 

I cant wait to finish my school and probably continue my education elsewhere. Maybe the Netherlands because I have some relatives there.

[fishtaco]

I live in France and I think we flirt less than in US (just my opinion). Here people don't really flirt unless they are really interested. I find US women much more flirty even when they are not necessarily interested, it is like a kind of game for them to have attention. Here it means that the women is really interested if she complements you and say nice words.

 

Don't have first hand experience, except with US women, where you are absolutely right. But I have heard similar things from my foreign friends. So I believe you are right.

 

The problem with games, is that the defense to many of these games, is multi dating. Because everyone is faking and playing. So I, and I'm sure many people in the US, multi date, because the defensive property of it makes it an attractive choice.

 

So I would gladly trade multi dating for European dating culture, at least from what I've heard. But I'm not in Europe. So I have to do what I have to do.

[Taramere]

I live in France and I think we flirt less than in US

 

I can't believe it! Anytime I've been in France, I've found the men very flirtatious....rivalled only by Greek and Australian men. Certainly far more flirtatious than men in the UK. In the US...I haven't spent much time there, but I didn't find American men particularly flirtatious. I'd say the pressure is on, on American men, to appear manly and in charge, at the expense of having that flirtatious vibe. There's something almost Germanic about the American male approach, I think.

 

French men....flirtation seems to come so naturally to you guys that you maybe don't even realise you're doing it. I remember years ago visiting a Parisian friend. We were both smokers at the time, and she offered me a cigarette in the metro station. "We can't smoke here" I said. "It's against the law!". She shrugged, pointed to all the other smokers and we both lit up.

 

A couple of gendarmes approached. "Ah mademoiselles!" There was lots of flirtatious finger wagging and grinning and tut-tutting....definitely not the firm lecture you'd get from a Brit policeman, and I bet it's not how a policeman in the US would be likely to act either. If they let you off at all over there, it would probably be accompanied by a cold "don't do it again, ma'am."

[musemaj11]

I heard Frenchmen are the most womanly men. LOL

[EmmaLou]

I'm from the UK and always smile reading the threads about rules, leagues, game playing.. here if we like someone, we'll just go with it.. no wondering when is the right time to text/call, is she/he a 10 or a 5.. I'd get exhausted with it all!

[musemaj11]

Seriously I really wonder why American dating life sucks so much? Is it Hollywood or what? It seems to me that no where else on this planet that people are as frustrated with their love life as we Americans.

[Rose T]

Sorry for T/J...just curious to know what is different in Italy ?

 

 

Well, I haven't been in the UK for ten years so I don't want to do a disservice to British men who I'm sure can be very gentlemanly and romantic, but I've been impressed with the dating style in Italy (although sometimes it's a whirlwind that soons blows itself out!)

 

Here I've always been picked up and taken home, in London this didn't always happen (probably for logistical reasons), men always pay at least for the initial "courting" dates (many will also open doors, some even kiss your hand and it's actually not as cheesy as it sounds!) although the paying thing tends to even out after something becomes steadier.

 

I'm reluctant to sound stereotypical but this is a very friendly society, bordering on the flirtatious, in which it's quite normal for your bus driver, barista, butcher and baker to have a twinkle in their eye. The further south you go, the more staring in the street you encounter and "che bella!" comments. I have to say, it's a fun country for boosting your self-esteem if you're a girl or a woman because you often encounter admiring glances when you go out in the morning which are more a recognition that you are a member of the opposite sex rather than being sleazy or intimidating.

 

I'll stop now before anyone gets mad as I don't want this post to sound stereotypical or racist. I have heard that guys also have to be more persistent here as the local girls won't say yes for a long time but I think this dynamic is changing - we're all the MTV generation now so pop culture is also altering the way that Italian boys and men treat their girlfriends, I guess, and the women are also enjoying more emancipation and a more international style of behaviour, if that means anything.

[Emilia]

I live in France and I think we flirt less than in US (just my opinion). Here people don't really flirt unless they are really interested. I find US women much more flirty even when they are not necessarily interested, it is like a kind of game for them to have attention. Here it means that the women is really interested if she complements you and say nice words.

 

Also here women don't play games. If she is interested she accepts easily to go out with you. Here it is not considered dating until you have passed the stage of kissing her and holding hands. Until it hasn't gone physical it is just hanging out.

 

 

I live in the UK and dating seems much less formal than in the US. I think it's because we don't view it as a 'sport' or some other recreational activity. You start hanging out with the guy you like and when you start getting physical it is considered dating, you are already meant to be exclusive otherwise you are cheating.

 

We don't have conversations about where it's going until at least 6 months into it. Women that expect men to pay for the dates are seen as gold diggers or not independent enough, in Northern Europe we are less conservative and we believe in equality.

 

the same goes for sex, in London it's not a big deal, making a guy wait for it is considered old fashioned and prudish. We don't view it as 'giving in'

 

From what I've seen on this board I'd say dating in the UK by and large is much more relaxed. We are a secular society so dating purely for marriage or not having sex before marriage is viewed as conservative and old fashioned as it tends to be for those with religious backgrounds.

[Taramere]

I heard Frenchmen are the most womanly men. LOL

 

Well, what does that mean? Does being womanly mean being charming, and having good social skills? Is a culture where passions for good food, art and literature are common a more effeminate culture? Or is this all part and parcel of a culture being a very civilised place to live in or spend time in?

 

A man isn't "womanly" just because he doesn't fit in, and has no interest in fitting in, to some John Wayne stereotype. Just like the US, France has its own unique culture and notions of manliness....and the fact that those notions don't always correspond with American notions doesn't mean that French men are in some way more womanly.

[East7]

I heard Frenchmen are the most womanly men. LOL

 

I don't know what do you mean acting womanly. It depends of the personality of each person. There are plenty of macho boys here too.

 

You start hanging out with the guy you like and when you start getting physical it is considered dating, you are already meant to be exclusive otherwise you are cheating.

 

We don't have conversations about where it's going until at least 6 months into it. Women that expect men to pay for the dates are seen as gold diggers or not independent enough, in Northern Europe we are less conservative and we believe in equality.

 

the same goes for sex, in London it's not a big deal, making a guy wait for it is considered old fashioned and prudish. We don't view it as 'giving in'

 

The same in FR. Dating is when it goes physical but then if you start to see someone else it is considered cheating an no one accepts it.

 

The same for sex : no woman makes you wait if she is interested. If she likes you, she will go for it.

 

The no-sex before marriage almost doesn't exist and that would almost chock people here taking you for a weirdo or a religious extremist.

 

I'm reluctant to sound stereotypical but this is a very friendly society, bordering on the flirtatious, in which it's quite normal for your bus driver, barista, butcher and baker to have a twinkle in their eye. The further south you go, the more staring in the street you encounter and "che bella!" comments. I have to say, it's a fun country for boosting your self-esteem if you're a girl or a woman because you often encounter admiring glances when you go out in the morning which are more a recognition that you are a member of the opposite sex rather than being sleazy or intimidating.

 

Funny..that's so typical in Italy and Spain, women are always kind of admired and told they are beautiful. It is cultural.

 

I have heard that guys also have to be more persistent here as the local girls won't say yes for a long time but I think this dynamic is changing

Because they don't want to look too easy if they say 'yes' very soon

 

It is not true in France though. If they are interested no need for extended courtship.

Edited March 14, 2011 by East7

[Trojan John]

Hi everyone, and thanks for your responses. You're confirming what I've been told by colleagues.

 

It looks like I'll be moving to France or Switzerland... and probably gaining weight as a result.

 

I also hear that the whole flirting dynamic is different too. There's more touching apparently, and initial dates are less formal, with the woman paying her own way.

 

It sounds as if you're going to end up working here in Genève. If that's the case, you will most likely be exposed to ex-pats from numerous countries, all with differing dating preferences.

 

Still, the comments above generally apply as people tend to be much more straight-forward about dating.

 

Good luck!

[musemaj11]

Well, I haven't been in the UK for ten years so I don't want to do a disservice to British men who I'm sure can be very gentlemanly and romantic, but I've been impressed with the dating style in Italy (although sometimes it's a whirlwind that soons blows itself out!)

 

Here I've always been picked up and taken home, in London this didn't always happen (probably for logistical reasons), men always pay at least for the initial "courting" dates (many will also open doors, some even kiss your hand and it's actually not as cheesy as it sounds!) although the paying thing tends to even out after something becomes steadier.

 

I'm reluctant to sound stereotypical but this is a very friendly society, bordering on the flirtatious, in which it's quite normal for your bus driver, barista, butcher and baker to have a twinkle in their eye. The further south you go, the more staring in the street you encounter and "che bella!" comments. I have to say, it's a fun country for boosting your self-esteem if you're a girl or a woman because you often encounter admiring glances when you go out in the morning which are more a recognition that you are a member of the opposite sex rather than being sleazy or intimidating.

 

I'll stop now before anyone gets mad as I don't want this post to sound stereotypical or racist. I have heard that guys also have to be more persistent here as the local girls won't say yes for a long time but I think this dynamic is changing - we're all the MTV generation now so pop culture is also altering the way that Italian boys and men treat their girlfriends, I guess, and the women are also enjoying more emancipation and a more international style of behaviour, if that means anything.

I lived in italy for a few months and an aunt of mine married an italian.

 

Italian men are very romantic and gentlemanly. But its all just an act. They are just natural players. Its like they get off on acting like don juan and charming as many women as they can. Its that latin culture. Perhaps that's why italian women are always have their guard up because they know unlike some naive foreign women who think that they are living a fantasy. Also wait until you marry them. Italian men are middle eastern men-lite. My aunts husband for example grew up in the us but he is still very domineering.

Edited March 14, 2011 by musemaj11

[musemaj11]

Well, what does that mean? Does being womanly mean being charming, and having good social skills? Is a culture where passions for good food, art and literature are common a more effeminate culture? Or is this all part and parcel of a culture being a very civilised place to live in or spend time in?

 

A man isn't "womanly" just because he doesn't fit in, and has no interest in fitting in, to some John Wayne stereotype. Just like the US, France has its own unique culture and notions of manliness....and the fact that those notions don't always correspond with American notions doesn't mean that French men are in some way more womanly.

I was just kidding! Hahaha.

 

You know I actually think that if all men in this world are more like frenchmen and less of a tough guy, the world would be a more peaceful place.