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Old 6th October 2003, 8:09 AM   #1
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Relationship doubts....

Hello Everybody,

I am currently in somewhat of an uncertain situation. I have been together with my partner for 1 and 1/2 years now, and we have had some turbulent times. Recently I have been starting to have doubts about my feelings and am unsure as to our compatibility. She is 1 year older than me and we are in our early twenties. My temperment is far more docile and placid while she has a very strong and at times very aggresive personality. There have been some very bad arguments, and at times pretty violent. We have made up plenty of times, but I am starting to question if this is really right for me. I feel pressurised by her into a paticular way of life that does not really represent who i am. I have always been more of a guy who appreciates time to himself, while my partner is very much a family person. She goes over to see her mother everyday and if I do not come she often feels hurt and feels that I dont want to be with her. I have no problem with visiting her family but I need to see my friends and family to and rarely get to see them. I think if i were more assertive this may solve some of this, but this is not the case. I do know she loves me and we have had some very good times together. However there is things I am scared to do for fear of upsetting her.( Going for a walk on my own, playing a game, etc )On the otherhand I am scared of making the wrong decision....maybe she is right for me ? ... I know if I do end it, it will break her heart, and it will put me into a very tough situation...we have taken a loan out togehter to pay some debts, but its all in my name, and doubt that she would be willing to repay her have if I end it. I know at the end of the day if its my and her happiness that is at stake, money should not really come into it, and it will be a very valuable and expensive lesson that I will have learned. However I cant help having this funny feeling that somewhere out there there is someone who is more compatible with my personality ?
I am sure plenty of you have been in this situation.....any advice ?

Regards,

W.
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Old 6th October 2003, 8:57 AM   #2
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YOU WROTE: " I feel pressurised by her into a paticular way of life that does not really represent who i am."

That's all you had to say. Get out of it. You didn't have many positive things to say about the relationship. It's very wrong. I can't understand why you borrowed money counting on her to help you pay it back if you clearly saw the relationship was wrong...but you must have needed the money real bad. Cut your losses. If you can pay the money back alone, great. If not, refinance or otherwise stretch out the payments. But get out of this relationship now. There is nothing to be gained by remaining with the wrong person.

I'm sure this will hurt you and you will miss her. You love her for sure. But love falls way short in its ability to keep two incompatible people together. You are not happy and you are very right, there's somebody else out there who will make a much more acceptable life partner for you.

I'm just wondering why you stayed in this relationship so long. The two of you are not on the same page, not on the same chapter and I wonder if you're working off the same book.
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Old 6th October 2003, 9:19 AM   #3
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Hi Tony,

We both split the loan in half and she pays me her half back every month. Why have we been together so long ? I dont know - i think on my behalve it may have something to do with a fear of being alone - without a partner, not really sure. The point is that we have had some good and fun times but we have had some frequent and very bad arguments. I think we have both felt that we cannot just be ourselves with each other. I have to make an effort to see her family and she has to do the same. Previously I was in another relationship for 1 year and this did not work out either. I just want to make sure its not my hormones going wild wanting other women. I want to make sure it is genuinly my feelings and that it is my own personal happiness that is at stake here.

I am attracted to her and do love a side to her, but I feel I am asking her to change - to be nicer to me, more gentle, to shout less, to give me my own space, to show her happiness and appreciation at the small things i do ( breakfast in bed, cuddles, etc ) - it feels like if I dont buy her a 6 bedroom mansion, I would risk losing her at times - I can only do my best - and at times it feels that i am giving 110 % but am not getting the type of love I want in return - this not being loads of sex, or me being able to treat her like a doormat, no , all I want to see is that she is genuinly and truelly happy - but alot of the time all I get to hear is when I do something wrong, forget something like, forget to put the bin out ( - after probably cleaning the house from top - to bottom - but this seems to go unnotticed ) - And this certainly does not motivate me to continue to make an effort, and this is why I have started to have doubts.

But the otherside of the coin says that sometimes things have to be discussed and can be worked out. Often its a lack of communication that damages relationships, but is this something more fundamental ?

Regards,

W
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Old 6th October 2003, 9:37 AM   #4
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Quote:
But the otherside of the coin says that sometimes things have to be discussed and can be worked out. Often its a lack of communication that damages relationships, but is this something more fundamental ?
You have done such an articulate job of expressing your feelings so eloquently here. Have you also tried to do so with your partner? Is there any chance of finding some compromise, and working on better methods of communicating with each other if you just sit down and tell her the same things you stated here?

...Or have you already tried?
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Old 6th October 2003, 9:54 AM   #5
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I have tried....we have tried... it also has to be said that we both come from differing backgrounds....which in essence should make no difference when it comes to love....but I feel lost and just dont feel as appreciated as I could be and I feel unable to be myself.

However ultimately I fear that if she allows me to be myself and allows me more time to myself and my friends and my family, that deep down I may just be trying to escape from the relationship, but am to scared to admit the truth to myself and more importantly, to admit the truth to my partner.....

And to be honest she gets angry and upset when I discuss both my feelings and hers and...our feelings for each other.....why ? I dont know...maybe she is insecure....I am not sure......

What is the best way to tackle this ?

At the end of the day I know no matter what decision I take, no matter what road I follow, it will not be without tears and pain, no decision is perfect and potentially will have both postive and negative consequences for those involved with that decision...........

W
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Old 6th October 2003, 10:14 AM   #6
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Quote:
And to be honest she gets angry and upset when I discuss both my feelings and hers and...our feelings for each other.....why ?
Being in a relationship where you are not free to express your feelings and be yourself is a torture worse than any I can imagine. Sometimes couples learn in time how to communicate more effectively, sometimes it takes professional help, and sometimes it just never evolves at all. And more important than learning how to "talk," is learning how to "listen" to what your partner is saying.

It can be even more difficult when one partner is passive, while the other is aggressive. While opposites often attract, it is so important that a couple be on level playing fields when it comes to communication, basic principles, and how they define their roles within a committed relationship. It is after all, a "partnership" and not a competition.

And as far as learning "expensive lessons," many people, including myself, have paid that price not once...but MANY times. It's money you won't get back, but the invaluable lesson within is worth every single penny!
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Old 6th October 2003, 10:27 AM   #7
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You are very right - I will see how it goes and i will need to do alot of thinking...... thanks.....
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Old 6th October 2003, 12:35 PM   #8
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I think we have both felt that we cannot just be ourselves with each other.
I am not all that fond of everything Dr. Phil has to say, but he does have some very good advice on occasion. One of his sayings is that your relationship should be your 'soft place to land'. By this, he means your relationship should be the place you feel most accepted, understood, and comfortable. It should be your refuge, not your battleground.

Settle for no less.
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Old 7th October 2003, 4:04 AM   #9
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I do feel it is starting to get more and more difficult. If I end this relationship it will mean that she will end up very hurt and I will loose alot of friends that I hav made through her. There would be no way that I would be able to see them again. My partner will be very very heart broken, and this is something I really dont want to do to her, but I cant help feeling that I can and should be treated differently.

I dont see why she should really have to change the person who she is, this may mean that she ends up unhappy. We both have to be able to be ourselves and be able to support ourselves in a relationship and we should not have to constantly fight to defend ourselves and the persons who we are.

I am worried that if I stay in the relationship that the only reason I will be staying in it is to keep the friends I have made and for pure convenience - which I dont think are the right reasons. I have also gotten very close to one of the little kids in my partners family ( 3 years old ) - who I would really really miss....

Are these just consequences and facts that I would need to live up to ? Bite the bullet as such ?

.................

W.
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Old 7th October 2003, 5:55 AM   #10
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'Relationship doubts' says it all.

If you were happy and its exactly what you wanted you would have no doubts.

I have been in a relationship with a very agressive person who wanted his own way all the time, wanted to hang out with HIS family and friends most of the time and not much with mine.

Whenever he brought up a subject it was ok but when I brought up a subject or tried to voice something he would overreact and basically couldn't handle it.

I felt I had to walk on eggshells, I was scared to say that I was going out with a friend or that I didn't feel like going out with his or that I would like him to come to my friends party.

But I felt suffocated, unhappy and most importantly I felt I couldn't be myself and really I was angry at why I couldn't be myself.

I wanted us to be eachothers 'soft place to fall' but I felt like I was the enemy in his eyes everytime I disagreed or did my own thing.

And one day he did me a favour and dumped me. Why? Because I started to say no and I started to voice what I didn't like more often. Not long after that he said we were similar but different and that I was too set in my ways

More like I did not obey him anymore. He dumped me so fast I didn't even get the chance to tell him my needs were important too which was next on my list of claiming my rights in the relationship.

Needy aggressive men are much better in this case. You don't do what they want they dump you. Its swift and fast.

Now, in your case you will not get dumped because you are the passive man and the woman is needy and aggressive. Even if you voice your needs you will probably get all the crying, guilt trips and all that stuff that needy, aggressive, demanding girls do.

They will hang onto the relationship for dear life and still try to guilt you into feeling you are wrong, and how much they love you.

So you will have to do the dumping swift and fast. No contact and all that.

I would have dumped my guy too eventually. If I had voiced my needs and saw he didn't respect them or care about them I would have concluded he was selfish, inconsiderate and uncaring towards my needs and thats not love is it?

You deserve better. Every relationship should be a soft place to fall...for both people.
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Old 7th October 2003, 6:07 AM   #11
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Quote:
I wanted us to be eachothers 'soft place to fall' but I felt like I was the enemy in his eyes everytime I disagreed or did my own thing.
This really does hit the spot with how I feel at times.....even when I really do try to make an effort or go beyond the call of duty, something little will not be right and I will be made feel like if I am Satans Brother.

However recently I feel she knows that I am not happy and I can see she is trying to make more of an effort to be nicer. Maybe the best way to find out is for me to just be myself and see if she accepts this, and if not then well the truth will be clear for both of us ?

Regards,

W
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Old 7th October 2003, 6:57 AM   #12
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My bf tried to make some effort at some point but really he was going against his essence and couldn't keep it up. Really they cannot change because their actions are some kind of protective/defensive behaviours that stem from protective thoughts that stem from inner insecurities and fears.

Until they realize this about themselves and become more secure in themselves and develop trust they will never truly change.

Its like they are trying to enforce some kind of loyalty from you by being aggressive and when you comply its some kind of assurance to them that you love them but its never ever enough.

But you can always try, at least you will know you tried everything and then you will have no regrets.

Sometimes I wish I had the chance to try, maybe I could have got through to him but he didn't give me that chance.

Now I don't think it wouldn't have made a difference because people like this need counselling. The fears and insecurities run very deep in controlling/aggressive/very insecure people.
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Old 7th October 2003, 7:01 AM   #13
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Correcting a spelling mistake

would have not wouldn't have

'Now I don't think it would have made a difference because people like this need counselling. The fears and insecurities run very deep in controlling/aggressive/very insecure people.'
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Old 7th October 2003, 7:57 AM   #14
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You are very right. Somehow there is something in me that wants to try and make it work but I feel i would be forcing it to work. I am definetly the passive one in this relationship...I have had my share of insecurities to, but I just shutdown and become a closet case,( not necessarily good or healthy either ) while my partner sure knows how to express her feelings, unfortunatly in not the most pleasant or caring way.

I know I have a certain insecurity, a fear of being alone, but I dont think I should be feeding this fear by staying in a relationship that I do not feel happy in. (Knowing your weaknesses is one thing but actually fighting them and overcoming them is another.. )

And I have proven to myself in the past that their is ladies out there who are interested in me and who have been affectionate to me.... ( why I left them, i do not know at times ) ... at least there is ladies out there who I know will be happy, and I will be able to see that they are happy.

And at the end of the day we dont have that much in common....

Cheers,

W.
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Old 7th October 2003, 8:22 AM   #15
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We are pretty much the same

But we have REALIZED we shut down and become closet cases and next time round we will try not to do that.

Being passive is unhealthy too. Relationships also teach you a lot about yourself if you dare to look at your part in it all.

Everybody is insecure and has fears but not everybody has the same level of them nor does it affect people in the same way.

Its better to find someone on similar levels who is also _aware_ that they have them and how they make them react or behave. And most importantly are also willing to improve on them for their own sake and for a better relationship.

I do also have to mention that I was made to feel like the daughter of satan. Your Satans brother comment just stuck in my head cos it hit the nail right on the head. Does that make you my uncle?

Good luck with your path to self-improvement and quest for a more balanced, healthy and happy relationship.
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