Single and lost

[harkkam]

Guys about 5 months ago my ex broke up with me. The story is on LS and I dont think its important to what I need help with. We were together for a year

 

Sitting here in my parents house (I live with them), Im about to graduate college I am 24 years old.

 

Not to be dramatic but this relationship destroyed me to the core. Its left me pretty down about life.

 

But I'm strong enough to know that pity can be a endless pit, that you could keep feeling sorry for yourself until you just decide its time to grab yourself by your bootstraps and do what you have to do.

 

Thats when I feel my spirit inside becoming strong,

 

But then I step outside of my house and I drive to college and then this mental movie of her sitting next to me laughing almost like if she was right there starts to play in my head. Then my mind takes me on this whirlwind of trip through all the memories that we had together.

 

Then about ten minutes later Im feeling like sh*t, walking on campus seeing all the young girls just wanting to say and meet someone new but not being able to bring myself to say hi because I feel this anxiety well up inside me.

 

I had social anxiety to an extreme degree when I was younger, couldnt get on a bus without feeling panic. Im okay now, but still very self conscience.

 

I start thinking about all the things we did and then I look around me and I realize that within me how difficult it will be to get myself to approach another woman.

 

In the end I just want to cut to the chase and get rid of all the intermediate stuff and get to that phase where we are just comfortable and sleeping next to each other.

 

Everybody who looses a SO has to start from scratch to meet somebody at some point otherwise they're going to stay lonely forever.

 

What am I supposed to do I feel trapped.

 

Starts like this, I wake up -> (random memory of her) -> feel sad -> then tell myself I need to be strong and talk to new people and get back into the game -> I msg a girl on facebook and wants to hangout -> I get nervous and back down -> I stay home and watch TV.

 

Or I wake up -> Something reminds me of my ex -> feel sad -> try to be strong and just want to hold an attractive woman in my arms -> force myself to sit next to a girl in class -> I only get about three or four words out and thats the end of that.

 

Then I drive home thinking about my ex because I havent found another woman to replace her. I wish I had an abundance of women in my life it would make this so much easier.

 

My ex was an 8 she was very skinny and basically had a model body and when she would dress up she would wear these heels and these flowing thin colorful dresses that you could see the curves. She was with a group of friends that I had known at the time, I dont know what got into me that day, I just started talking to her and even kissed her within an hour of meeting her.

 

Now when I see girls who are just as attractive as her my voice just gets dry and I cant summon the courage to talk to them. Then I drive home just upset thinking im screwed.

 

I feel trapped anyone can relate?

[Surrealist]

Yes there are aspects of your post I can relate. Ideally would be good to heed the advice of someone who has experienced similar social anxiety and learn what they did to overcome it. Best of luck mate.

[EyeAlone]

I can relate to a whole lot of that. I also think that one of the worst parts of breaking up is starting from scratch all over again with meeting people, getting to know each other, blah blah blah. Wouldn't it be nice if we could just fast forward past all that? I guess some people enjoy that, but whatever.

 

Anyway, back to your social anxiety. I had really bad social anxiety during my teenage and early college years. In middle school, people called me "mute" because I was never spoke. I was at the point where I was even too anxious to ask to go to the bathroom. I would start feeling like I was going to faint when I spoke to people. Oh gosh, let's not even talk about speaking in front of a group of people. There were days in college were I could get by with not speaking to anyone, which was pretty easy for me since I didn't have a roommate. But now I have a "happy ending" because I was able to ask 2 of my boyfriends out in person and in medical school I have to speak to tons of strangers every day and I'm perfectly fine with it! No more anxiety! You, too, can become comfortable enough to do these sort of things.

 

I went to counseling and was put on medication for my anxiety during my first year of college. For me, it didn't help much. I'm not saying that it won't work for you, but I'm just giving you my experience. It's an option for you to consider. But what really, really, really, REALLY helped me and what I recommend is forcing yourself in situations where you have to speak with people. I signed up at the university to be a peer group tutor for various chemistry courses. Basically, I had to stand up in front of at least 5 students with a white board and review/reteach the weekly course material. There was no effing way that I could avoid talking to people. The spotlight was only on me and there was nothing I could do about it. It was extremely uncomfortable at first but over time, I became more confident in myself and speaking with people my age that were complete strangers. It just took a lot of practice. My boss even remarked to me that she saw a drastic change from a meek, timid girl to one that is much more confident and assertive.

 

You need to put yourself in situations where you are required to interact with people. Find a club, job, a volunteer role, anything where you will not have the option of sitting in the corner hiding from everyone. It will be awkward in the beginning but you will become much more comfortable with people and confident in yourself. The confidence will carry over into your dating life and you'll feel less anxious speaking to girls.

 

Good luck, harkkam! I know you can do it!

[EricaH329]

This is the perfect opportunity for you to focus on yourself. Don't worry about going out and meeting new people right now. You need to better yourself, focus on yourself. You said you feel better when you tell yourself that everything will be ok, and that's very true. Everything will be ok.

 

The first step is your mentality. The more you think about her, the more upset you will be. I know it's hard to not think about her sometimes, but when you do I would try to quickly think about something else. Anything else. School, work, family, etc.

 

Once you get into the habit of focusing solely on yourself and what pertains to your life right now, you'll be surprised at how easy it will be to feel better.

 

The more you do things that upset you, or make you sad, the more negative energy you are allowing into your life. You need to surround yourself with positive energy right now. Do/think things that make you happy.

 

Once you have accomplished that, you can then worry about things that you want to improve outside of yourself (making friends, etc.). This should be the time that you re-invent yourself. Make yourself a better person. The person that you ultimately strive to be.

 

Good luck!

[Titania22]

You just need to relax and not think about dating for a while. Give yourself time to heal.

[Something_Awesome]

You just need to relax and not think about dating for a while. Give yourself time to heal.

 

Unfortunately the holiday season doesn't make coping any easier

 

For what its worth man, the first time I asked some random girl out was some time after I broke up with an ex that had me down a bit. Anyway, I got rejected and I felt fantastic afterward. I was real nervous during, even started to experience blurry vision... but for some reason man I felt good. Forgot about the ex ever since (was my first ex).

 

Just give it a shot. Don't worry about crashing and burning, you will feel better afterward knowing that you now have the guts to do it again! Its real non-chalant for me now.

[Knittress]

Yeah. I can relate. I was absolutely useless for a good year and a half. In fact, I think it took me a good two months to go grocery shopping simply because I couldn't cope with the fact that I was doing it alone. It was like I was trying to constantly reconstruct the memories of what it was like to be a functioning non-coupled human being and failing. For example - I knew how to make a sandwich intellectually, but I just couldn't connect the dots. It was bad. BAD.

 

And um... now? ::looks around:: Well, don't look for advice on mental health from me. But I think the main reason I didn't kill myself (besides a strange feeling of optimism), is that I really enjoyed volunteering with refugees. These were folks who'd been through way more **** than i had, and yet they were going about their lives having retained some amount of faith in humanity. Somehow being able to rechannel the feelings of love inside from relationship-focused into helping others brought about a lot of healing and as well as a deeper ability to connect with humanity and feel at peace with the future.

 

So! I'd suggest putting aside the idea of finding someone to fill the emotional hole (that's not gonna work and it'll only make everyone feel like crap), and find some way to get involved in the folks around you and feel like you're making a difference in the world. It'll give you a sense of worthiness even when you feel like you must be the lamest person on earth.

Edited October 19, 2010 by Knittress

[Titania22]

Unfortunately the holiday season doesn't make coping any easier

 

For what its worth man, the first time I asked some random girl out was some time after I broke up with an ex that had me down a bit. Anyway, I got rejected and I felt fantastic afterward. I was real nervous during, even started to experience blurry vision... but for some reason man I felt good. Forgot about the ex ever since (was my first ex).

 

Just give it a shot. Don't worry about crashing and burning, you will feel better afterward knowing that you now have the guts to do it again! Its real non-chalant for me now.

 

Hey what holiday season is it where you are?

 

And I know exactly what you mean. I hit on a guy I really liked a few weeks ago and it turned out he was a committed relationship (so it was a rejection), but I have felt so alive since then.