How would you feel about this situation?

[chocha_mocha]

I had an argument with my boyfriend this evening about issues surrounding his assertiveness and other women. My boyfriend finds it difficult to be assertive in certain situations, like many people I guess, but especially when it comes to other people making moves on him/coming on to him.

 

This has got to the point on the past where people thought a girl he worked with was actually his girlfriend because of how touchy feely she was with him. She used to be very over to top, playing with/stroking his hair etc. I can't say I was too pleased to hear about this. I've recently brought the topic up with him and things didn't go too well. He got quite defensive and said that I shouldn't have any issues with such things because it’s not like he wanted her to be all over him or to be touching him etc. Basically, I need to accept his issues with assertiveness and trust that he isn't sat there enjoying what happens. In the past, he has also had a women phone him up and masturbate to him because he wasn't able to set appropriate boundaries. He says he’s not a flirt, but I’m not sure. Plus a waitress came onto him in a restaurant while eating with a previous girlfriend. She sat down next to him and she put her hand on his leg. He just sat there and didn't say anything. Ok, I could understand he would be embarrassed, but I just couldn't imagine letting someone to that to me in front of my partner and let them get away with it.

 

I don’t know, I guess I feel a little hurt by his comments. I don't understand why I shouldn't have an issue with another women being physically affectionate to the point where people think she is his girlfriend. The way I see it, accepting a hug from a colleague is ok, but not intimate affection like letting someone run their fingers though your hair. I guess if someone was invading my personal space like that then I would have an issue about it and out of respect for myself and my partner, tell them they shouldn't be doing that. Maybe I'm naive, but I would have thought that was expected in a relationship.

 

I do trust that he isn't always sat there wanting the attention, but then at the same time I find it difficult to accept. Am I wrong for being upset?

[AverageJoe]

Am I wrong for being upset?

 

Well, that depends on whether you knew his behavior when you met him. If you did, you have no reason to be upset at him.

[chocha_mocha]

No, I didn't know about any of this until we had been together for a while.

[AverageJoe]

In that case, if you find that behavior unacceptable, break up with him and find someone more compatible.

[chocha_mocha]

Well, I guess thats the ultimate option. I'm trying to figure out at the moment if its just me being insecure/highly strung without reason or if I have a just reason to be feeling so. According to him, most people would act the way he does, so he sees me as being untrusting when I should be. I'm not so sure.

[AverageJoe]

Unless you are trying to change his behavior, it is your only option. People dont change unless they want to change.

 

Otherwise you need to sit down and have a conversation with yourself in regards to whether this behavior is acceptable to you. Regardless of what he might say. Is it acceptable to YOU? If not, then you know what needs to be done.

[xpaperxcutx]

I'm sorry, but I have never heard or seen a guy in a relationship allowing himself to be as " assertive" as your boyfriend. I've seen confident men, but never ones who stoop to such a level as to disrespect their SOs.

 

Reverse psychology, would he be as lenient if you switched positions with him and you're the one allowing other men to throw themselves at you?

 

I completely disagree with the fact that he's not flirting; him condoning such behaviour automatically screams a flirt. I expect you to have a talk with him and even if he gets on the defensive, you're not going to step down on this issue.

 

A good SO never conducts themselves thus or place themselves in such a position.

 

If he doesn't have the decency to start drawing boundaries with his co worker and other girls, you have a right to walk away.

[BobSacamento]

It is plain and simple - he wants that woman touching him. He's trying to play the victim and it's total garbage.

 

You know what men do with the women they don't want touching them? Totally ignore them unless spoken to. At least that's what I do.

[that girl]

Have you tried:

 

"How would you feel if I had some male co-worker who was always stroking my hair and acting like my boyfriend? What would you want me to do in that situation?"

 

Your boyfriend got defensive and he really might not know how to handle it. But if you turn the situation around, he might lower his defenses and be willing to talk about it.

[chocha_mocha]

Have you tried:

 

"How would you feel if I had some male co-worker who was always stroking my hair and acting like my boyfriend? What would you want me to do in that situation?"

 

Your boyfriend got defensive and he really might not know how to handle it. But if you turn the situation around, he might lower his defenses and be willing to talk about it.

 

Tried talking to him about it this way but he says that he doesn't care. A bunch of guys could be all over me with their cocks out and it still wouldn't bother him, as long as I didn't want anything to happen. That kinda hurts me really, to think he wouldn't care. Personally, I think its bs.

 

This has really started to make me feel insecure in the relationship. Not only did he start off when we first got together talking about women, what he likes to look at, which actresses he wouldn't mind f**king etc, now I can't be secure in knowing he isn't getting himself into bad situations. According to him I'm the one with the problem, you know, jealous and all. I just think its cos I've got an ounce of self respect!

[Rorschach]

Reading this website for so long has given me a much better idea of what the perfect dating scenario should look like, and it goes something like this.

 

Two people meet, two people date, person A has a problem with person B for some reason.

 

Person A approaches person B and communicates the problem

 

Person B chooses to 1. accept change and work on the problem, or 2. reject change.

 

If 1, continue dating

 

If 2, person A has a choice you can 2a. accept that person B won't change and get over it, AND never complain about it again OR 2b break up.

 

If 2a continue dating

 

If 2b find somebody new

 

This is pretty much as simple as it gets. When you date somebody you have every right to give them your opinion and ask if they would be willing to work on something for you. Then they have every right to say no if they so choose, they don't have to change for you if they don't want and there is nothing wrong with that.

 

Alot of problems happen when people refuse to change and the other person refuses to accept it AND refuses to leave, so they stick around getting more and more upset about what is bothering them and the other person is getting resentful that somebody is forcing them to change. This is a poison relationship.

 

If you can't accept some behavior, and they don't want to change that behavior you have only one option. Leave. You have no right to demand change from people, it will do nothing but cause trouble.

[New Again]

What Rorschach said.

 

I personally think that you're right, but being right doesn't get you anywhere.

[make me believe]

It is plain and simple - he wants that woman touching him. He's trying to play the victim and it's total garbage.

 

You know what men do with the women they don't want touching them? Totally ignore them unless spoken to. At least that's what I do.

 

Absolutely! This situation is insane. I am not by any means an assertive person, but I certainly don't have co-workers calling me up & masturbating to me on the phone, running their fingers through my hair, etc. That is NOT something that somebody does unless they were invited or encouraged to do it. It has NOTHING to do with your bf not being assertive, and EVERYTHING to do with him enjoying and encouraging the attention. I guarantee you no woman is going to do sh*t like that to her co-worker unless she KNOWS her actions are welcome. You need to have a serious talk with your bf and if he isn't willing to stop this behavior immediately, I would end the relationship. Actually, I probably would have already ended it because it doesn't sound like he has much respect for you at all.

[jamesum]

Your boyfriend must be really hot. I wanna see his picture.

 

Anyway, I think your boyfriend is an attention hore. He probably doesnt like the women who hit on him but he likes the attention.

[welikeincrowds]

Reading this website for so long has given me a much better idea of what the perfect dating scenario should look like, and it goes something like this.

 

Two people meet, two people date, person A has a problem with person B for some reason.

 

Person A approaches person B and communicates the problem

 

Person B chooses to 1. accept change and work on the problem, or 2. reject change.

 

If 1, continue dating

 

If 2, person A has a choice you can 2a. accept that person B won't change and get over it, AND never complain about it again OR 2b break up.

 

If 2a continue dating

 

If 2b find somebody new

 

This is pretty much as simple as it gets. When you date somebody you have every right to give them your opinion and ask if they would be willing to work on something for you. Then they have every right to say no if they so choose, they don't have to change for you if they don't want and there is nothing wrong with that.

 

Alot of problems happen when people refuse to change and the other person refuses to accept it AND refuses to leave, so they stick around getting more and more upset about what is bothering them and the other person is getting resentful that somebody is forcing them to change. This is a poison relationship.

 

If you can't accept some behavior, and they don't want to change that behavior you have only one option. Leave. You have no right to demand change from people, it will do nothing but cause trouble.

 

This is really good, man. I think there can be something said for attempting to resolve the issue within yourself before bringing it up with the other person. But I made sure to reread it a few times, due to how simply you had put what should be a very simple thing, but is often needlessly complicated.

[Rorschach]

This is really good, man. I think there can be something said for attempting to resolve the issue within yourself before bringing it up with the other person. But I made sure to reread it a few times, due to how simply you had put what should be a very simple thing, but is often needlessly complicated.

 

I could make a flow chart if it would help

[Knittress]

Really? Your guy couldn't have hung up the phone? Pft. He likes the attention. Not only that but he's TELLING you about this - why? It seems like he's trying to make you feel insecure on purpose - which is a total d-bag move. And why do you put up with this... oh right, because he must be incredibly hot. Gotcha. Can I see a pic?

[Viking]

I've had that sort of thing happen to me before. I was at a bday party for a friend/co-worker and one of the girls I work with has had a crush on me for a while. I was recently single but pursuing another girl and this girl came up and wouldn't keep her hands off me except when I left. It made me really uncomfortable to be there. I did not want it and I removed myself from the situation.

 

Fast forward a few weeks, my GF and I had gotten back together and I'm going to another bday party for a different friend/co-worker and the same girl comes up to me. I had my shirt unbuttoned and no undershirt, so I was bare chested except for the shirt around my back. She comes up and rubs her hands over my chest and this again, made me really uncomfortable. I removed myself from the situation and buttoned my shirt back up and left the area where she was. But she kept following me. She's a nice girl, but I either wasn't attracted to her or I was back together with my GF each time she did this.

 

There isn't any reason your BF couldn't have removed himself from the situation like I did. Even if it makes him uncomfortable or uneasy, it is easier to walk away and not be around them than to stand there with this weird look on your face. I told my GF about it because I didn't want her to find out on her own. If your BF doesn't want the attention he will make it known that it isn't OK, especially if he has you as his GF. His co-workers/friends should know that he has a GF. You shouldn't be kept as a secret. I was treated that way and it bugged the hell out of me. After my GF and I got back together, that changed and her friends and co-workers began to see me and get to know me and realize that my GF is taken.

 

Mark your territory. Maybe bring him lunch at work or hide something of his that he needs and then bring it to him after he has left work, but search him out in the office and personally give it to him and maybe ask where your BF is, "Have you seen XYZ? He's my BF and he forgot this at home this morning..."