How do I stop being so socially awkward?

[kahn2154]

I have SAD and don't have any friends and have just gone to my third party in my life, and like all three have been in the last 6 months and it was socially awkward once again.

 

Its just like I don't know what to do, I'd think after a bit I'd get the hang of it but nowhere close. I suck at approaching people and small talk so that is really awkard for me, once I'm on a topic I have no problem though, and years ago I'd have anxiety talking to people but that is gone now. Usually I approach people already in conversation and act as third wheel who doesn't say anything. I don't drink so it it is hard to just loosen up like that, but I'm just so boring and awkward. I thought with some practice I'd get used to it but I'm not, its worse with huge amounts of people at party, when there are less people there I feel more comfortable. But usually just don't know what to say.

[florence of suburbia]

Ask people questions about themselves. Then you don't have to say much.

[kahn2154]

That only worked for me when person in convo said something about them self I could think of questions to ask about. But just going up to random people you know nothing about and I"m clueless.

[BubbleFreak]

I have SAD and don't have any friends and have just gone to my third party in my life, and like all three have been in the last 6 months and it was socially awkward once again.

 

Its just like I don't know what to do, I'd think after a bit I'd get the hang of it but nowhere close. I suck at approaching people and small talk so that is really awkard for me, once I'm on a topic I have no problem though, and years ago I'd have anxiety talking to people but that is gone now. Usually I approach people already in conversation and act as third wheel who doesn't say anything. I don't drink so it it is hard to just loosen up like that, but I'm just so boring and awkward. I thought with some practice I'd get used to it but I'm not, its worse with huge amounts of people at party, when there are less people there I feel more comfortable. But usually just don't know what to say.

 

Just clarifying, SAD is social anxiety disorder yes?

 

It's great that you are no longer actually afraid of talking to people, and you just want to focus on what to actually talk about. Well, what are you interested in? I find that when people talk about topics they are passionate about, their demeanour and body language really draw me in. Do you really think you are boring? Nah, there's gonna be someone in that big crowd who will find what you say interesting. They will find you interesting. Just make sure you are not saying stuff just because you think it will impress other people, be true to yourself.

 

If in the end you find that being yourself in certain kinds of social situations just isn't working, or you simply don't like them anymore, maybe you could focus on doing other things and people who share the same interests may naturally come into your life.

[BubbleFreak]

Not everyone digs the social butterfly.

[BubbleFreak]

I know this probably sounds silly, but I think the first step is to stop thinking things like you're boring and awkward. Stop believing you suck at conversation. I know that doesn't solve it all, but positive thinking and belief in yourself is the first step to making a positive change.

 

I totally agree with this. Confidence in yourself and positive attitude are attractive. It's the foundation for anything else you do/say.

 

Oh, I might add that talking to people on MSN really helped me with my own social awkwardness. Less pressure.

[nocode]

I'm somewhat social awkward myself and I found that joining a Meetup group has helped because you meet new people to interact with who you most likely have at least one thing in common with that you can talk about. I would see if there are any groups in your area that interest you and go to some events.

[harmfulsweetz]

I'm socially awkward too. I tend to loosen up when I know people after a while, but I really struggle making conversations,and small talk.

 

I don't think it's something that stops, I think it's something that you learn to live with and get better at. I would probably suggest watching how other people interact with each other, I know when someone asks me 'you alright?' I don't have a clue about the appropriate response and just answer with 'hiya.' I have watched others responses to the same question, and working on imitating that somewhat. Fake it til you make it right?

 

I think the idea of joining a group thing of something you're interested in is a good place to start.

 

Sadintexas, has it exactly right. If you think you're boring/suck at conversation etc, then you will never be able to approach people or make conversation. First things first, you have to think you're interesting. Every person is, just because not everyone will find you interesting, does not mean you aren't. You need to find those that do find you interesting. A person who actively participates in their interests is by default more interesting and fun to talk with than someone who doesn't which is why it's a double bonus to join a group.

[kahn2154]

Yes SAD is Social anxiety disorder.

 

I mean, I'm fine once I get on topic, my problem is getting to that point. I mean going up to someone saying hi, engaging in some small talk and somehow arriving on some topic to talk about is what I have trouble with, once we get on that topic I'm fine. Most people probably think I'm boring because I can't get form point a to b so they don't bother with me too much.

 

Not enough confidence to pay compliments for some reason, its really hard for me

 

I was looking at meetup groups once but couldn't find anything around me that interested me.

[that girl]

The easiest way to get comfortable talking to people is just to talk to people. Take the pressure off yourself and start talking to random people who aren't really potential dates or friends. The 60 year old librarian helping you to find a book, the father of two behind you in line at the supermarket, your parents' friends, etc. Sure, sometimes they'll think you're weird, but you'll likely never see them again, so who cares?

 

It is easier to talk to one person than to join and existing conversation. Find another loner at a party (or loner hop).

 

Asking people about themselves is always good. That doesn't just mean things like where are you from? It is also stuff like so, what did you think of the bio homework? what do you think of the dj?

 

Join a group or two, doing something with a group is an automatic conversation starter.

[BubbleFreak]

Most people probably think I'm boring because I can't get form point a to b so they don't bother with me too much.

 

How do you know that? Do they tell you you're boring, do they make an excuse to get away from you mid conversation, do they have this glazed eyes brain dead look? If yes then maybe they are simply the wrong people to be talking to. But honestly, some people might be happy you are talking to them but just don't know how to carry on the conversation because they are also socially awkward.

 

I had this person come up to me, and first thing he ever said to me was "I like apple." I'm like wtf and lolled, but in a good way.

[BubbleFreak]

I have similar problems. People do all of this except tell me that I'm boring.

 

I know that sometimes I talk about random crap and people must think I'm high when I'm not because of the strange things I say. But, if I notice the glazed look etc I do ask them if they are bored. If they say no then I continue my random topic. They had their chance to leave.

 

If they do leave, then I guess yes I was boring to them. lawl. Same time, they had their chance to say something interesting too. If I am boring, they are too.

 

Justification!

[Sivok]

If you truly believe you have SAD, then I know exactly what you feel.

 

I had SAD bad my first two years of college and I'm not afraid to admit it. I commuted, no one from my HS went to my college, and I literally made no friends in college at that point. I sucked at small talk and I couldn't hold a conversation for the life of me. Each time I engaged in conversation I'd try and find the quickest way to get out because I kept thinking that I'd **** up. This wasn't just towards girls, it was EVERYONE - boss, classmates, coworkers, family, everyone. It'd make me extremely self conscious about myself in every aspect - socially, physically, and intellectually. I just felt like I didn't compare to others

 

How did I overcome it? Therapy, and a massive Eurotrip. I joined a CBT group completely dedicated towards social anxiety - there were six of us who all had the same symptoms. Through the exercises they made us do, it truly made us all change our mindsets over that period of 4 months. They basically gave us one hour of lectures, and an hour of 'exposures'. During these exposures, they'd make us do things that would make us EXTREMELY anxious normally - even to people without SAD.

 

Examples:

- Lecture sex ed even if you know nothing about it; provided with posters and condom + a cucumber to um... demonstrate with. Oh, to people you've never seen before too.

- Karaoke to songs you've never heard of in front of people you've never seen before.

- Approaching different people in a market until you had atleast 10 3 minute conversations.

- Speed dating

- Returning embarrassing foods in a store, including stuff like extra small condoms and adult diapers.

- Surveying random people on the train with fairly embarrassing questions.

 

The idea was to get your anxiety up and keep you there until your body naturally gets to a more relaxed state - it cant keep up the fight or flight response forever. The more it's placed in this sort of setting, the more your mind begins to realize 'it's not that bad' and get used to it. By the end of the 4 months - being consistent with the exercises, homework, and exposures - not only did I become socially competent, but I did so many things that normal people don't do that I actually became socially superior. Right afterwords, a friend and I went on a Eurotrip and they were literally the best weeks of my life.

 

Trust me, it helps.

Edited June 21, 2010 by Sivok

[BubbleFreak]

Wow Sivok, even I wouldn't do most of those things. I imagine many people without SAD would also not want to do those things. Scary.

[BubbleFreak]

I say expose your self to some old ladies at the beach for practice, the rest will take care of it self, and you might score as a bonus with a nice old lady of mass experience. Just don't forget to bring defibrillator

 

Lawl, or you could mind ***** them. Just remember to bring a condom, their minds could be very dirty. Haha that's from Get Him to the Greek, love that movie.

[BubbleFreak]

Get Him to the Greek sucked. You have bad taste lady.

 

Thanks. You have bad lady breath and taste funky.

[harmfulsweetz]

Sivok, that's pretty amazing stuff. I think that shows that it's all about going outside of your boundaries, I know I set up little boundaries and won't leave them, which makes it impossible to get rid of the anxiety. You don't necessarily have to go on one of these courses, but every day, put yourself outside of the little box, and give yourself a task that you must do each day. Be it start a conversation with the check out clerk at the supermarket, or whatever it is. Push yourself that little bit further each day, stepping further out of your boundaries. You may feel stupid at first, and you may not like doing it, but the more you do something, the more you get used to it, and your mind will adapt.

 

I think two posters on LS gave the best advice to me in regards to this issue of self image and self perception, and the perception of others towards you. You cannot control what other people think of you, they are liable to think that way regardless to what you say or do, and there's nothing you can do to change that, or control it. If someone views you as boring, chances are, they're not someone you want to bother with anyway.

[stuck with eharmony]

Dang Sivok, that is quite a list. I'll have to try some of those... someday.

 

To the OP, it sounds to me like you have low esteem since you don't think there is anything interesting about yourself. I would go into a book store and buy the book self esteem. It will really help your confidence and get you more socially active. Good luck

[Sivok]

not only did I become socially competent, but I did so many things that normal people don't do that I actually became socially superior

 

Yes master, your socially skills of pinning for a strange girl for 8 months are indeed superior. What was her name? "a girl i would marry" she has a BF who she said she will leave in 3 months ahem... she will not leave of course for such a sap as yourself but... Keep that up!

 

Tell us when's the wedding day oh socially superior master !

Your social fallacies amuse me, know your facts before you vomit all over other people's business with senseless dribble, 'oh inferior one'.

 

Exactly, harmfulsweetz. It's a cliche statement, but it really is all about facing your fears. 90% of fear truly is irrational - especially social ones. I just tend to look at the worst case scenarios and chuckle, as they are either extremely unrealistic or unable to cause any true harm.