Become irrationally jealous when girlfriend hangs with guys?

[Theseus_Black]

So whenever my girlfriend goes and hangs out with other guys on her own, I get VERY jealous/insecure about it, and it shows up visibly in my behavior and the way I treat her. We go to college together, but it's summer break right now, and we live in differet states. Tonight, she hung out with some guy we both know from school (I don't know him as well as she does, and I also think he's quite attractive ) and his friends. They went "geocaching" or something, and they were out till after midnight. This is just the most recent example - but virtually EVERY time she goes out with another guy, especially one whom I perceive as a threat (that is, if he's attractive, funny, smart, artsy, etc.), I get jealous and paranoid to the point where she can tell I am acting differently. She even noticed tonight when we talked on the phone, though I just told her I was tired.

 

But the weird thing is, I do strongly believe that she has every right to hang out with anyone she wants to. It's her life, and I have no right to try to interfere. She's never given me any reason to distrust her, and I actually felt worse before when I thought she wasn't hanging out with certain people in some part because of me. So that's why I haven't told her about this yet. But I was wondering if you guys had any advice on how I can try to overcome this? I want to try to avoid directly telling her, because I honestly DON'T want to restrict her friendships or anything. I just can't help but get extremely jealous and paranoid to the point of her being able to notice a difference in my behavior, and I do NOT want this type of behavior of mine to negatively affect our relationship. I feel like it will if I continue this pattern, so please, do you guys have any advice for me?

[bananaboat11]

I'm the same way, but I'm TRYING to learn that TRUST HER until she gives you reason not to. EVERY relationship.. platonic or more is a RISK.

 

Run with it.

 

Try to love... risk it all. If you get hurt, yeah it sucks, but you'll eventually bounce back. MOST everyone does. I'm sure you will. Stronger too. And more confident than ever. Just be positive and be yourself.

 

I'm right now going through a thing where I've told my NOW ex girlfriend how uncomfortable I am when she's hanging out with her RECENT ex as much as she does, but I say I am not threatened and value their relationship/friendship. I respect what they HAD, but I'd appreciate it if she could see him less while we try to establish a new foundation to our relationship. She was not ok with this, but the majority of my friends and my therapist told me I was not out of line for asking. This girl came with a lot of emotional baggage...

 

I was threatened by her ex... but as far as other guys go... nope. Why? I gave her the benefit of the doubt... I trusted her until she gave me reason not to. Hanging out so much with a recent ex.... to me, was valid reason not to trust her. It had been less than a month between his sexual year relationship with her... and her and me establishing boundaries so I don't become her rebound (we talked that one out... oh fun)

 

clearly I became too good... but not needy. I kept a healthy distance and she understood that. because of her incessant need for breaking down b/c of her 'problems'... it was her and she couldn't develop a healthy foundation with me now. I still like/care about her and WANTED To give her a friendship, but that hurts me. I'm severing the friendship today b/c I don't trust a girl whom I care about.. who cares about me, but still cares for her ex and wants to 'explore'. She told me it wasn't me. It wasn't us. It was her past. And I asked her if she'd be open to explore a future with me down the road and she liked that idea, a lot. I need to take it 1 day at a time....

 

...I'm still not 100% sure if I want to burn this friendship or not... to cut my losses and move on with my life... or keep her around and see if this works out.

 

Trust until there's reason not to. It hurts, but it's the best way.

 

I think it was Leonardo Da Vinci that said, "The greatest risk of all time is not taking any."

[Bangle]

Think like this "she is with me and that's all that matters". Trust her until she gives you reason not to.

[RedRussian]

"she is with me and that's all that matters".

 

YEs keep telling yourself that wile she bangs her male "friends" behind your back.

 

 

In a relationship I say assume the best but prepare for the worst, meaning don't invest emotionally to much too soon, let her earn your respect and trsut. Don't just give it to her from the get go. Put some value on it.

[Morals]

Trust is not something for which must be asked. Where it is deserved, it is given freely and without question.

 

And honestly RR? I doubt she is "banging his male friends" behind his back. If she still talks to him on the nights that she is out "geocaching" or whatever, that means she is thinking about him (i.e. not thinking about the guy friends). Honestly, the paranoia people induce...

[Els]

That's one of the hardest parts of LDRs, even temporary ones. Your SO will definitely be going out with friends, often of mixed or opposite genders, and you aren't able to join them. I would actually mention it to her if you feel uncomfortable, without insisting that she stop - she may empathize and do what she can to reassure you if you talk to her about it. Maybe call you sometimes when she's out (although not like every 5 minutes ).

[stace79]

My bf lives seven hours from me. He doesn't go anywhere alone with only females. He does see mixed groups of friends out for dinner or drinks or bowling or a movie or the beach. But never just him with another girl or girls. I've agreed to the same for him. I wouldn't go to dinner with just one guy friend, but I've had dinner with couples or a mixed group of people.

 

It's not trying to control who he's friends with. It's that he has enough respect for me to agree to a compromise that makes me comfortable. It's also that he can still keep these friendship without being alone with the girls.

 

We each choose our priorities. If you're truly committed to someone, then where should your priorities lie?

[Els]

My bf lives seven hours from me. He doesn't go anywhere alone with only females. He does see mixed groups of friends out for dinner or drinks or bowling or a movie or the beach. But never just him with another girl or girls. I've agreed to the same for him. I wouldn't go to dinner with just one guy friend, but I've had dinner with couples or a mixed group of people.

 

It's not trying to control who he's friends with. It's that he has enough respect for me to agree to a compromise that makes me comfortable. It's also that he can still keep these friendship without being alone with the girls.

 

We each choose our priorities. If you're truly committed to someone, then where should your priorities lie?

 

Each R is different, and rightly so. Only the OP and his girl can decide for themselves which approach works for them - for both to exclude themselves from outings with people of the opposite sex, or for both to have free rein to do so as long as they do their best to be transparent about it.

[BS76]

So whenever my girlfriend goes and hangs out with other guys on her own, I get VERY jealous/insecure about it, and it shows up visibly in my behavior and the way I treat her. We go to college together, but it's summer break right now, and we live in differet states. Tonight, she hung out with some guy we both know from school (I don't know him as well as she does, and I also think he's quite attractive ) and his friends. They went "geocaching" or something, and they were out till after midnight. This is just the most recent example - but virtually EVERY time she goes out with another guy, especially one whom I perceive as a threat (that is, if he's attractive, funny, smart, artsy, etc.), I get jealous and paranoid to the point where she can tell I am acting differently. She even noticed tonight when we talked on the phone, though I just told her I was tired.

 

But the weird thing is, I do strongly believe that she has every right to hang out with anyone she wants to. It's her life, and I have no right to try to interfere. She's never given me any reason to distrust her, and I actually felt worse before when I thought she wasn't hanging out with certain people in some part because of me. So that's why I haven't told her about this yet. But I was wondering if you guys had any advice on how I can try to overcome this? I want to try to avoid directly telling her, because I honestly DON'T want to restrict her friendships or anything. I just can't help but get extremely jealous and paranoid to the point of her being able to notice a difference in my behavior, and I do NOT want this type of behavior of mine to negatively affect our relationship. I feel like it will if I continue this pattern, so please, do you guys have any advice for me?

 

Jealousy is nature's way of saying something is up and you need to pay attention. Our bodies and behavior gives off subtle queues that our brains pick up, but don't consciously recognize. If you're feeling jealous then your SO did something to cause it whether you or they realize it or not. It's amazing how our instincts are tuned into nature if you can shut off your brain for a while.

 

A few years ago there was an infidelity study done on couples that were in counseling because the men had really bad jealousy issues. Turns out when they allowed the women to anonymously self-report their loyalties, they found it was either 70 or 80% that had actually cheated, thereby validating the jealousy their SO's experienced!

 

Anyway, the core problem here is that she's hanging out with other guys and you're not around to keep tabs on what's going on. This is generally a red flag. Doubly so if they're out drinking and massively so if they're out all night. My best advice I can give is to trust, but verify. If this means having a 3rd party friend you know and trust tagging along with them, then so be it.

 

What it comes right down to is you both need to discuss what's acceptable and unacceptable behavior. See how she would feel if you were romping around alone with an attractive woman in the middle of nowhere. I bet should wouldn't take too kindly to that sort of thing. Why then should she expect you to be just fine with it? If she pulls the trust card and attempts to excuse her behavior instead of acknowledging it, then right there is a clear indication of one of two things (or possibly both): She doesn't care about your feelings OR She is banging the guy and doesn't want to give up having her cake and eating it too.

Edited June 10, 2010 by BS76

[Gentlemen_shadow]

Well from the sound of it you need to realize she's with you even though sounds like she's known this guy for a while. Even maybe sometime see if you can go with take an interest in what she likes. It will score you points for caring and give you a first hand view of their behavior

[samspade]

But the weird thing is, I do strongly believe that she has every right to hang out with anyone she wants to. It's her life, and I have no right to try to interfere.

 

This is your problem, buddy.

 

Fact is, you have every right to complain about behavior you find unacceptable. You can't make her change, but you can call her out and let her know that either she stops or you're out. Do you honestly believe that her hanging out with guy "friends" (especially at night) without you is acceptable?

 

People can rationalize or call you paranoid all they want, but if it doesn't sit well with you, then make it known. If she protests, then tell her you'll be going out tomorrow night with 3-4 cute girls and see if she minds.

 

I just got off another thread where a guy said his GF complained about his incessant porn viewing. People are debating the merits of porn (irrelevant) but the bottom line is that his GF finds it unacceptable and disrespectful. The guy's going to have to make a choice. Same deal here - but you need to speak up first and test her respect for you.

[stillafool]

If I were you I would start hanging out with some female friends.

[Green]

haha Whats the point of having a GF if she hangs out with other guys. You might as well start a thread about how you want to be cool with your gf dating other guys.

 

Seriously the only way I would be cool with my gf hanging out with other men is if 1) I was around 2) It was at a party 3) Its work related 4) Close family member like Brother or Dad ect.

 

I would never be cool with my gf telling me about how she had a great night with John or Jim and how she went out and shot pool or watched movie or at dinner with some guy.

 

You should should be jealous, seriously I only think its irational if it effects the girls job... unless the job is like stripping and then I would not be cool with that either.

 

As long as you arn't retro activly jeleous I say TELL HER... I DON"T WANT YOU HANGING OUT WITH THESE GUYS... Oh and I wouldn't let her hang out with unattractive guys either... but the fact that your YOUNG COLLEGE AGED GF is hanging out with attractive guys... hmmm you have every reason to be jelouse. Oh and you should follow the same rules. You have no reason to be calling your friend Jenny up and having long conversations and meeting for dinner and a movie ect.