Girlfriend is extremely back and forth

[bigsby2010]

So here's my story, I'll try to keep it relatively short and I thank in advance everyone who takes the time to read this and give their input.

 

I've been dating my girlfriend for almost 9 months now, we're both in our early 20's and we recently got back from a trip to Italy for 2 weeks as part of a larger group of our friends. We basically did everything together while on the trip, but also gave each other some breathing space when needed. It was definitely the best trip of my life. We both agreed that the trip pulled us closer together and we learned a lot more about each other while being on the trip (all good things). She said she couldn't wait to live with me someday.

 

We get back home and she has a week before going away to school for 5 weeks where she is forced to speak another language the whole time she's there. It's a 10 hour drive from where we live and she tells me in advance that we won't be able to talk frequently because of the tight schedule she'll be under and the language constraints, but that she will text in english when she can "hide" and will call once a week in english.

 

So far I'm 2 weeks in, and I feel like I've been on a roller coaster ride with her since she's left. Usually I get a text once a day or every couple of days and it mostly has to do with how much fun she's having and how much she's been drinking. I don't really look forward to her phone calls because her tone is a lot different than I'm used to and she usually just tells me things I don't want to hear. Her latest call she said she's hoping to extend her stay for 3 more weeks after the 5 are done and that it depresses her when she thinks about having to come home because "nobody is around anymore".

 

I have a family reunion this summer which means a lot to me, and I was really looking forward to her attending because she hasn't met most of my family yet, and we had a lot of camping and other things planned. Now, she's saying she probably won't be able to come because she wants to stay over there instead. This really pissed me off but I didn't know if I should have lashed out on the phone because I only hear from her once a week, so I didn't. I held it in. I told her I need to know soon because I was counting on her to come.

 

I had also planned on going across the country to work for the summer, but in the end I stayed in town so that when the 5 weeks were up I could have more time with her, and she had previously discouraged me from going across the country to work in the first place. Now on our latest phone call she's saying I should have just went and that she doesn't care if I go anymore which is contradictory to what she was like 2 weeks ago.

 

So, while I've been trying to keep busy during these days, I can't help but think about what the hell is going through her head sometimes. She used to want me to make the 10 hour drive to see her, and now she doesn't want me to anymore and then tells me she's extending her stay.

 

There are a few things on my mind that are really bothering me:

1) Maybe this is my own problem/insecurities but I have not ONCE heard her say anything positive about me/to me since she's been gone. Not even a simple text of "I miss you" has come through yet. I've said it to her a couple of times and felt rejected because she did not say it back. Sometimes the "I love you" doesn't even get returned. I haven't heard those words from her in about a week now when I'm used to hearing it everyday.

 

2) She drinks alcohol probably 4 times a week and she drinks to get drunk, not a casual drink. I'll get drunk texts from her saying how drunk she is and how messy she is right now and stuff. It kind of makes me feel crappy because she doesn't have many boundaries when drinking, and she's hooked up with guys in the past (before we dated) and couldn't remember doing so.

 

3) I want her to come for the reunion. I don't know why working there for 3 weeks is more important to her than this. She has the mentality of "I'm gonna do whatever I want when I want, I put myself first always" and never really comes to any kind of compromise with me which sucks. She knows how much this means to me.. and if the roles were reversed I'd be home for her reunion.

She said she'd like to get home for a week and then go back for three. Her reasons were to see her family and a graduation and did not mention me at all.

 

So basically, I'm in a rut here. I don't know what to say to her. I don't know if I'm picking things apart and being too needy. It's hard when I only get a text a day and one phone call a week and it's always about getting drunk and how much she doesn't miss me, basically. I feel single, I feel like I'm talking to a completely different person when she calls me on the phone. I don't know why her behaviors and opinions go haywire all of the time. I'd like to just sit back and ignore her but I know that's not the right way to go about it.

If she doesn't miss me and she only wants to talk about pointless things to me I'd rather her not call or text.

 

I need your guys help.

Thanks and sorry for the length of this post, it went longer than I expected.

Edited May 27, 2010 by bigsby2010

[MyNameIsJane]

I don't want to throw a negative comment in here right off the bat - but it could be possible that being away has made her feel differently about the relationship. I am not saying she has been seeing anyone else, but maybe she is feeling tied down now... a single reason among many why distance is hard on a relationship.

 

I have done the exact same things as she has (and at the same 9 month point) in my own relationships that I no longer wanted to be in. What happens is the person, despite not even being in the same place as you, feels smothered by you because they are committed/"tied down"... and thus any text from you is going to seem like further smothering - which is probably why you aren't getting the responses you want.

 

If this is the case, you aren't doing anything wrong, it is just a mental thing she is feeling - but based on what you are saying... it sounds like she is taking this time away as an opportunity to break away from the relationship. Again, I don't necessarily mean she is cheating - but just using the time to not have to communicate with you regularly/answer you back... It sounds like she has checked out.

 

Just one opinion though. I'm sorry

[crimsonmike]

Dude, that really sucks. I'm sorry, but it sounds like it's over to me. I'd call her and lay it on the line, though. Make her decide. Just be prepared for the decision to not go your way.

[bigsby2010]

Thanks for your reply and I appreciate you reading my post. Everything you said makes a lot of sense. I also have feelings of her being broken off from the relationship as well. I just don't know the best way to deal with this. I was doing really well for the first few days but my anxiety has shot right up lately, realizing that she does not miss me. It is also nice to know though that you have been through the same thing so you can relate.

 

I'm worried about breaking it off right now though, because when she does come home I think I'm going to feel it a lot more than I do right now. Why didn't she break it off already? Why does she continue to call/text me? I don't get that part. I've rarely initiated texts lately and I have never initiated a call because she has a calling card.

[bigsby2010]

Crimsonmike thanks for your reply, the problem is I can't call her as I've said in the above post. I have done a lot for her, and we've been through a lot together so I'm really eff'ing let down and disappointed right now. I'm worried about breaking it off over the phone because I KNOW she's gonna find a way to turn it on me and I'm gonna be stuck in a big rut when I get off. Are my concerns reasonable though to bring up to her?

[crimsonmike]

Crimsonmike thanks for your reply, the problem is I can't call her as I've said in the above post. I have done a lot for her, and we've been through a lot together so I'm really eff'ing let down and disappointed right now. I'm worried about breaking it off over the phone because I KNOW she's gonna find a way to turn it on me and I'm gonna be stuck in a big rut when I get off. Are my concerns reasonable though to bring up to her?

 

Sorry, did not read close enough. Just lay it down next time you talk. You really want to keep going like this? Dude, you know your concerns are reasonable. You know what's up. I've been there. It suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuucks. You're prolly just doing like I did and tryin to get somebody to tell you everything is fine when you know it ain't. Only you can make the call, though. Easy for me to type this stuff. Not so easy for you to do it.

[MyNameIsJane]

Thanks for your reply and I appreciate you reading my post. Everything you said makes a lot of sense. I also have feelings of her being broken off from the relationship as well. I just don't know the best way to deal with this. I was doing really well for the first few days but my anxiety has shot right up lately, realizing that she does not miss me. It is also nice to know though that you have been through the same thing so you can relate.

 

I'm worried about breaking it off right now though, because when she does come home I think I'm going to feel it a lot more than I do right now. Why didn't she break it off already? Why does she continue to call/text me? I don't get that part. I've rarely initiated texts lately and I have never initiated a call because she has a calling card.

 

When she does come back you are going to have a lot of emotions running through you again - kind of like when you run into a recent ex and all you can remember are the good things... instead of how you became exs in the first place.

 

She calls you/texts you in some cases because she is drunk... and you know how your mind gets when you get tipsy/buzzed/drunk... you want attention - it's also a form of her calling to your attention how much fun she is having...without you.

 

When you do initiate a text, or she does call you - I think you need to have a calm discussion about how you are feeling and see where her head and heart are at. It is better for you to know the truth about how she feels now - if it is bad - because it gives you a head start on moving on.

[bigsby2010]

Useful advice once again! I feel both of you can relate here to my situation which makes it that much better for me. Jane, she texts me usually mid afternoon too, just saying plain old "Hi" and I'm tempted to ignore it but I know that will lead to an even bigger mess. Given the circumstances, am I able to ask her where her head and heart is at over text? I'm pretty bad at doing this in a calm way. Usually she just lashes/freaks out if I ever ask her anything serious. But I don't know.

[crimsonmike]

Useful advice once again! I feel both of you can relate here to my situation which makes it that much better for me. Jane, she texts me usually mid afternoon too, just saying plain old "Hi" and I'm tempted to ignore it but I know that will lead to an even bigger mess. Given the circumstances, am I able to ask her where her head and heart is at over text? I'm pretty bad at doing this in a calm way. Usually she just lashes/freaks out if I ever ask her anything serious. But I don't know.

 

Looks to me like you have 2 choices:

 

1. Call her on it and let the chips fall where they may. If she freaks, she freaks.

 

2. Let her string you along and live in misery and most likely delay the inevitable.

 

JMO.

[Mimolicious]

Bigs- I have few words of advice for you: DO YOU!!!!

 

Can you still go cross country and work for the summer? If so, DO IT!

 

Don't cut yourself short and stop doing things that are of your interest for someone like this, because in reality she is NOT! Nothing stopping her! Nothing should stop you!

 

Follow your instincts! If you don't feel like she is treating you the same, it is because she is not feeling the same.

 

Keep focused, do your thing and drop the GF. She is not thinking about you or your interests.

 

Meeting your family should be a privilege, she doesn't sound worthy of the chance.

 

Good luck!

[reservoirdog1]

This is you right now:

 

I have done a lot for her, and we've been through a lot together so I'm really eff'ing let down and disappointed right now.

 

This is how you're worrying you'll be feeling after breaking it off:

 

I'm worried about breaking it off over the phone because I KNOW she's gonna find a way to turn it on me and I'm gonna be stuck in a big rut when I get off. Are my concerns reasonable though to bring up to her?

 

The difference is that, by breaking it off, you'll at least be free to live your own life, move to another city if you want, date other women, and NOT agonize constantly about the state of your relationship. You'll have certainty and finality. Sure, you'll be down about the relationship. But you're already down about the relationship, only right now you're stuck in it.

 

I agree with the others, it doesn't look like she's invested in the relationship anymore. The most obvious indicators of this are that, as you describe, she's discouraging you from coming to see her, and wants to stay away longer. Coupled with the lack of I-love-you or I-miss-you? Pretty clear to me.

 

The way to retain some dignity in this situation is to be proactive. You needn't be nasty about it; just tell her that the two of you are clearly in very different places in your lives right now, that she seems to have minimal interest in your relationship, and that you think it's time to part ways. It won't be a picnic, and it will hurt, but at least you'll have gotten some closure on your own terms, without dragging out the continual disappointment and rejection.

[MyNameIsJane]

Freaking out or overreacting every time you ask a serious questions is a HUGE red flag. You should be able to communicate any feelings/concerns you have with your partner and a partner should be attentive to those issues and be willing to talk it out with you/figure out a solution. That is how a relationship works. If you have a tendency of having trouble remaining calm when something is upsetting you, then perhaps texting IS the best way for you to alert her of how you feel - that way you have time to read and reread your message to her before you send it and make sure it sounds calm and isn't too accusatory.

 

If you are calm and explain how you feel... there is no reason she shouldn't be receptive and be able to explain her side calmly. She might not even realize she is making you feel bad! If she freaks out immediately... I truly believe you might be mismatched.

 

People freak out when they are accused of something straight up. But if you are calm and she freaks out... there is usually a reason for the defense.. there is usually something being hidden

[CLC2008]

Freaking out or overreacting every time you ask a serious questions is a HUGE red flag. You should be able to communicate any feelings/concerns you have with your partner and a partner should be attentive to those issues and be willing to talk it out with you/figure out a solution. That is how a relationship works. If you have a tendency of having trouble remaining calm when something is upsetting you, then perhaps texting IS the best way for you to alert her of how you feel - that way you have time to read and reread your message to her before you send it and make sure it sounds calm and isn't too accusatory.

 

If you are calm and explain how you feel... there is no reason she shouldn't be receptive and be able to explain her side calmly. She might not even realize she is making you feel bad! If she freaks out immediately... I truly believe you might be mismatched.

 

People freak out when they are accused of something straight up. But if you are calm and she freaks out... there is usually a reason for the defense.. there is usually something being hidden

 

I've emphazied the comments in bold, right on the mark.

 

From what you've written - it sounds like you've put forth an extreme amount of effort and she should have no reason to freak out or lash out at you over your desire to talk about the relationship, your needs and your feelings.

 

Now, if you're accusing her of something else, which you haven't indicated herein, then that's entirely different.

[bigsby2010]

Well, I just contacted her. I asked her what was up.

 

Firstly, she wouldn't let me do it over the phone, it had to be over text. So I told her my issues. I said I didn't understand why she'd want to stay longer, why she doesn't encourage me to visit her when she knows I can, and why my family reunion isn't important to her. Why, when she mentions coming home for a week, that it has no mention of spending any time with me.

 

Her response initially was "WTF would you think something is wrong for".

 

She said she misses me and that she's sorry it isn't "visible" and that her friends and family haven't had any kind of issue about it so why should I.

 

She said she's having the time of her life and is really happy. The best she's ever been in her life she says.

 

I don't know.. she couldn't go a couple days before without missing me and now she's saying "8 weeks isn't a big deal anyway".

 

Well it is to me. Especially when my family reunion is IMPORTANT which I keep stressing to her. She ignored that several times when I brought it up. Then finally said "Oh yeah, that too."

 

 

So here I am again, confused as crap. What the hell is that? Her response to me saying 'you haven't encouraged me to come see you when you know I can' was "You know you can come, if you want to come, then come."

So it's always my fault. Blow $2,000 to go visit some girl who says "you can come, if you want".

 

 

She ends off saying she loves me but that I have to stop being "presumptuous, needy, and insecure".

 

Is this my problem? Am I supposed to sit here feeling rejected for 8 weeks? Am I too needy and insecure? I barely hear from her and when I do, like I said, it's all about how much she's been partying and never anything positive toward me.

 

She was the one who was super needy in the beginning of the relationship. I don't know what to think of this. I don't expect our relationship to drop dead for 8 weeks and then pick it up all of a sudden.. what's so needy about that.

[CLC2008]

I agree with your points. Her response to that was basically "well it's not like we hung out those few times and that's it" type of response.

 

I'm sorry.

[bigsby2010]

Yes, her responses were pretty odd, I found. I told her to tell me if she had anything on her mind, or if she found that we weren't on the same page about our relationship but she said neither.

 

Does anyone elses opinion change based on her responses? I think I was left even more confused than I first was. If you care/miss someone, shouldn't it be the slightest bit visible?