Children or no children - that is the question?

[bwidger]

I've always thought people 30 and up have children. Out of curiosity I did a search for 60+ year old single women (haha, no not trying to date them!) and to my surprise almost all of them have no kids!? What!?

 

Is it just me or is it an oddity you see many people not having any children at all? I can see up to late twenties not having children, but 30 and beyond with no kids?

 

I still think the majority of people do end up having children at some point in their lives, or is this just a fallacy in my head? Is it really that common that people don't have children at all? Realistically, what would you say the percentage of people not having children are?

 

I realize these are a lot of questions to answer... any comments are welcome on the subject...

[You'reasian]

I've always thought people 30 and up have children. Out of curiosity I did a search for 60+ year old single women (haha, no not trying to date them!) and to my surprise almost all of them have no kids!? What!?

 

Is it just me or is it an oddity you see many people not having any children at all? I can see up to late twenties not having children, but 30 and beyond with no kids?

 

I still think the majority of people do end up having children at some point in their lives, or is this just a fallacy in my head? Is it really that common that people don't have children at all? Realistically, what would you say the percentage of people not having children are?

 

I realize these are a lot of questions to answer... any comments are welcome on the subject...

 

People spend more time developing their education and careers these days, especially women who now have more opportunities than before. This leaves people with less time to work on starting and maintaining a family.

 

Family seems to be a slightly lower priority than in past generations too.

 

Older cultures still emphasize the family unit over the individual.

[bwidger]

People spend more time developing their education and careers these days, especially women who now have more opportunities than before. This leaves people with less time to work on starting and maintaining a family.

 

Family seems to be a slightly lower priority than in past generations too.

 

Older cultures still emphasize the family unit over the individual.

 

Well, I for one definitely want a family some day. I think it adds a whole new element to life, whether bad or good, and I also think there is only so much you can experience without developing a family, if you know what I mean.

[You'reasian]

Well, I for one definitely want a family some day. I think it adds a whole new element to life, whether bad or good, and I also think there is only so much you can experience without developing a family, if you know what I mean.

 

I agree with what you say. From what I can see, starting a family is a lot of work and strain, but joy too. I think you have to go into the family making business with a partner whom you absolutely adore and love to the core...

[boogieboy]

Well, I for one definitely want a family some day. I think it adds a whole new element to life, whether bad or good, and I also think there is only so much you can experience without developing a family, if you know what I mean.

 

It does add a new development to life. No sleep, cant travel much, kid fun (ugh!) kids grow up and hate you, they get jailed, steal your money, Woman pays too much attention to the kids so the man finds sex elsewhere, then you divorce because you cant stand your spouse after a while. No thanks.

 

Theres SO much more to experience without kids in the way.

[sb129]

No sleep, cant travel much, kid fun (ugh!) kids grow up and hate you, they get jailed, steal your money, Woman pays too much attention to the kids so the man finds sex elsewhere, then you divorce because you cant stand your spouse after a while.

 

Oh damn!

Anyone want to buy a 2.5month old baby?

 

Kidding, kidding.

[CrestfallenNoMore]

I would guess many of those 60+ DID have children at some point. It's likely their children are now grown adults, hence they didn't need to select "yes" that they had children as it woudn't be potentially impactful to a date.

[CarrieT]

I still think the majority of people do end up having children at some point in their lives, or is this just a fallacy in my head? Is it really that common that people don't have children at all?

 

Total fallacy.

 

I'm 45 and NEVER wanted children. I relish being a business owner, traveling internationally several times a year, and having absolute freedom.

 

And when I date -- I find it hard to find men in my age bracket who are childless. Because most are the product of a divorce, they end up being weekend Dads or are widowers who are looking for Mothers for their children. And there is no way I want to be someone's Stepmother.

[bwidger]

I would guess many of those 60+ DID have children at some point. It's likely their children are now grown adults, hence they didn't need to select "yes" that they had children as it woudn't be potentially impactful to a date.

 

Good point, but I don't see the majority doing that... or maybe the majority IS doing that? crap, idk...

[bwidger]

Total fallacy.

 

I'm 45 and NEVER wanted children. I relish being a business owner, traveling internationally several times a year, and having absolute freedom.

 

And when I date -- I find it hard to find men in my age bracket who are childless. Because most are the product of a divorce, they end up being weekend Dads or are widowers who are looking for Mothers for their children. And there is no way I want to be someone's Stepmother.

 

Does it naturally usually of end up that way; becoming the stepparent of the person your dating? Can't you just be like screw you kids I'm doing my own thing?

[CarrieT]

Does it naturally usually of end up that way; becoming the stepparent of the person your dating? Can't you just be like screw you kids I'm doing my own thing?

 

 

Not if I want a long-term relationship. Dating is one thing, but I see no reason to bother dating a guy with kids; what if we fall hopelessly in love and want to get married? At that point there is the chance that his kids would be over every other weekend, or some-sort-of-bullsh*t that I just don't want in my life.

 

My exception are those gentlemen who had children early and whose progeny are already on their own, in college, and living their own lives. I can reason with and relate to another adult (even one in their twenties). But an adolescent? No frigg'n way.

[dnm]

I am 35 and don't want kids. I always felt this way.

I have been running my own business for the past few years. Had I wanted to have kids, I would have possibly gone for a less demanding career, or at the very least, wouldn't have left my previous job to become self employed.

 

I still think the majority of people do end up having children at some point in their lives, or is this just a fallacy in my head?

No, that's true.

[thirdgirl]

I am 26, don't want children.

Everyone keeps saying I'll change my mind, but I don't think so.

[b52s]

People spend more time developing their education and careers these days, especially women who now have more opportunities than before. This leaves people with less time to work on starting and maintaining a family.

 

Family seems to be a slightly lower priority than in past generations too.

 

Older cultures still emphasize the family unit over the individual.

 

Right, people are more focused on selfish desires these days.

[b52s]

Total fallacy.

 

I'm 45 and NEVER wanted children. I relish being a business owner, traveling internationally several times a year, and having absolute freedom.

 

And when I date -- I find it hard to find men in my age bracket who are childless. Because most are the product of a divorce, they end up being weekend Dads or are widowers who are looking for Mothers for their children. And there is no way I want to be someone's Stepmother.

 

 

Yeah, that's the only draw back, having to deal with other people from previous marriages constantly in their lives.

 

And dealing with having to schedule around their kids weblos or 100+ extra-curricular activities.

 

I knew of one guy that had no kids, that was dating a single mother with a young child that got fed up when she wasn't able to spend time with him.

 

Not only she was spending too much time with her kid, BUT was "ferrying" around (in her car) OTHER Parent's kids as well. So she was involved with her own kid, as well her her kids friends, too.

 

He made some off hand remark about it, and she ended it right there.

 

 

My question is now...though, if the kids are grown and out of the house...OR if they area grown enough (to when they have their OWN Highschool sweet heart and can kinda fend for themselves...) would you date them?

 

And you can forget about dating a single mom with "little" tykes (like kindergarten aged)....they can never be left alone.

Edited January 2, 2010 by b52s

[thirdgirl]

Not wanting babies doesn't mean you're selfish.

[harmfulsweetz]

There appears to be a social stigma with women who do not desire to have children. Instantly, they are labelled selfish, an oddity, something must be wrong with them or their past...who could possibly not want children? Me. I don't want them, never have, don't think I will either.

 

The thing is, on a majority scale, it's easier to find those who DO want children, than those who don't. Because the majority of women do.

 

For me, I don't feel like that towards children. I don't have any desire for them in my life. It's not about furthering my career or anything like that. It's just a personal thing.

[CarrieT]

Right, people are more focused on selfish desires these days.

 

You are making a pretty blanket statement of why someone does not have children -- nor would want them.

 

Although ultimately being childless allowed me the freedom to pursue desires that would not have been possible with children, my reasons were, I believe, far from selfish ones.

 

I was raised in a family that was rife with chronic alcoholism, dementia, and suicidal tendencies. Those experiences soured me on our society in general to making the decision to not bring a child into this world to possibly suffer those injustices and traumas that I had to go through. No child should have to see and experience what I was subjected to and knowing there was no way I could protect my child from possibly inheriting some of these traits, I chose to not procreate.

[harmfulsweetz]

It's not remotely selfish to not want children. It's far more selfish to have a child simply to fulfill a societal norm, a child that realistically, they don't want.

 

Women nowadays have the choice to have children or not. Take it or leave it. The ability to have a child is always there and it's always presumed that that biological attribute we all should be popping out babies, but it's not the case.

 

There are many selfish reasons to have children, and many people have children for these reasons:

 

1) further their gene pool

2) to feel complete, and loved by something

3)fulfill a societal norm

 

There are more, many more, and they are a blanket list, not exhaustive at all, but so many people do have children for the wrong reasons. For reasons which centre around themselves, yes, there are those that do not have children for selfish reasons, but then, they are only being selfish in their life right? It's not like they are subjecting a kid to those selfish choices.

 

I think the funniest thing is that people who have or want children, judge those that don't and do not want children like it's some great slap in the face to them. Yet, if someone was to turn around and judge their choices, they would be 'wrong.' But these people are so right because they are biologically programmed so Spare me.

[b52s]

Although ultimately being childless allowed me the freedom to pursue desires that would not have been possible with children, my reasons were, I believe, far from selfish ones.

 

Just simply stating a fact. Everyone is selfish to a certain extent. The fact you want the freedom to do what you want is involving yourself exclusively.

 

Thus it's a selfish act. Like I said, just stating a fact. You are thinking of yourself.

 

Being selfish is not necessarily a bad thing.

 

For instance, you have a gun pointed to your head and this person is threatening your life to take up a gun and kill an innocent, if you kill that innocent in the interest of SELF preservation.

 

You just committed a selfish act.

 

But, there are some selfish acts we can live with, and others we cannot.

[b52s]

It's not remotely selfish to not want children. It's far more selfish to have a child simply to fulfill a societal norm, a child that realistically, they don't want.

Right, it is selfish to have a child to fulfill a societal norm, but it's also selfish because you want to pursue things (career, traveling, etc), so you avoid having a child to do those things.

 

It all depends on what your intentions and motives are in your acts.

 

You can do the things for the wrong reason, or do things for the right reasons.

 

If you're reason for NOT having children is just so you can pursue your own desires, then that's an act of selfishness

 

If you're reason FOR having children because you're feeling the burden of society pressuring you to have kids, that TOO is also a selfish act (and not acting in the best interest of the children)

 

So they're BOTH selfish acts, because the motives are BOTH selfish in their intentions.

 

Kind of like when a public figure donates 10K to a non-profit organization, did he do it for the votes or to gain approval from the masses (a selfish act)

 

OR....did he actually donate his money because he really and genuinely wanted to donate money to said cause to help out such a cause?

[b52s]

Carrie T -

 

First in a previous post you said this:

 

 

I'm 45 and NEVER wanted children. I relish being a business owner, traveling internationally several times a year, and having absolute freedom.

 

Since you brought this to our attention as your first response as to why you don't have children, I go off the first response.

 

Then you said this

 

I was raised in a family that was rife with chronic alcoholism, dementia, and suicidal tendencies. Those experiences soured me on our society in general to making the decision to not bring a child into this world to possibly suffer those injustices and traumas that I had to go through. No child should have to see and experience what I was subjected to and knowing there was no way I could protect my child from possibly inheriting some of these traits, I chose to not procreate.

 

Now, this is a selfish act.

 

"I don't want kids, because I'm afraid that my kids/family might wind up the same way"

 

Kind of like throwing the baby out with the bath water.

 

Of course, one doesn't have a crystal ball, but I figured that if you didn't want you child to go through the same thing, you'd make the effort to avoid such an experience once you had a child. That you would take action during child rearing and

 

Kind of like when someone grew up with their father beating them (when child abuse wasn't illegal), and wind up not doing the same thing to their own child.

 

But you stating how you "relish" your experiences as you say, career, business, traveling....but then come back with this answer, makes me blurs your motives. Though, you might have had already had an answer set up just in case someone questioned your selfishness.

 

Now, seriously Carrie T I'm not judging you...BUT....EVERYONE is selfish, sometimes not intentionally, but as human beings that we are like that.

 

I can be selfish as well. I guess it's a double edged sword. Sometimes we are put in positions where we have to be selfish?

 

Sometimes it can be a tough call.

 

I used to have a business owner that was married, but didn't have kids, and he told me he didn't want to bring a child into this horrid society that we currently have.

 

OR, was it just the selfish pursuit of traveling, the freedom to do what you want as a couple without being "tied down" by pesky children.

[carhill]

Like Carrie mentioned, some people choose not to have children. Others, like myself and my stbx, were unable to conceive biologically. Others might have children but choose not to disclose that on a dating site. Others may be estranged from their adult children (not uncommon). Etc, etc.

 

So, at 50, when I check the 'no' box for 'has children' and/or 'wants children', what is that saying? In reality, sure, I'd love to have children, but, realistically, is there any woman in my age range who'd feel likewise?

[sb129]

There are more, many more, and they are a blanket list, not exhaustive at all, but so many people do have children for the wrong reasons.

 

I think the funniest thing is that people who have or want children, judge those that don't and do not want children like it's some great slap in the face to them. Yet, if someone was to turn around and judge their choices, they would be 'wrong.' But these people are so right because they are biologically programmed so Spare me.

 

Agreed that many people have children for the wrong reasons.

I personally would hate to be the child of a celeb- sure they have lots of money but one wonders if being subjected to the paparazzi, carted around the globe, and cared for by a team of nannies rather than your parents is that healthy for kids.

 

I have a baby. I don't judge people who don't want kids at all. Its a huge life change and its one that you can't back out of once you are in the thick of it.

My baby is still young and caring for her is a full time job at the moment. The rewards are great but don't always match the effort IYKWIM.

I love her to pieces, but I do get a little wistful thinking of all the things H and I used to do together that we now can't.

 

No judgement here. Live your life as you see fit- its a privilege to live in a society where we can make choices about marriage and children rather than live in one where we can't.