My boyfriend again isn't getting me anything for christmas

[MaryLovely88]

So my BF and I have been together for about 4 years and we are currently living together, for the the past 4 years he has never really bought me anything. I can literally count with my fingers how many times he has bought me anything. I mean I gave a him a break since he never had a steady job... but now he has a good job and he gets commission checks, but it seems to me like he keeps bringing up bills so he won't have to buy me anything. He just told me last night that he wasn't going to be able to buy me any gifts this year... i just said "whats new"!

 

I'm not mad I'm more hurt. I bought him great gifts this year because I thought It would be special!!

 

He did have money till recently... the reason why i am mad I guess is because I thought it would have been best to save money for Christmas and buy the gifts early... which he didn't do... so now he is broke and all he does is complaint about HIS bills!!!

 

Should I be mad? Or am I over reacting?

 

BTW I have already talked to him about it and all he does is say sorry... but to me it isn't enough.

[2sunny]

So my BF and I have been together for about 4 years and we are currently living together, for the the past 4 years he has never really bought me anything. I can literally count with my fingers how many times he has bought me anything. I mean I gave a him a break since he never had a steady job... but now he has a good job and he gets commission checks, but it seems to me like he keeps bringing up bills so he won't have to buy me anything. He just told me last night that he wasn't going to be able to buy me any gifts this year... i just said "whats new"!

 

I'm not mad I'm more hurt. I bought him great gifts this year because I thought It would be special!!

 

He did have money till recently... the reason why i am mad I guess is because I thought it would have been best to save money for Christmas and buy the gifts early... which he didn't do... so now he is broke and all he does is complaint about HIS bills!!!

 

Should I be mad? Or am I over reacting?

 

BTW I have already talked to him about it and all he does is say sorry... but to me it isn't enough.

 

i'd be mad, not about the no gift thing, but the principle of the fact that he says he's sorry, but his actions say he's not. if you want nothing, stay. if you want more, leave.

 

his words don't match his actions - if he was sorry - he would change things. since it has always been this way - it is nothing new... you keep putting up with nothing as if it is something.

 

is nothing good enough for you? he, obviously, thinks it is.

 

what are you going to do about it?

[New Again]

So my BF and I have been together for about 4 years and we are currently living together, for the the past 4 years he has never really bought me anything. I can literally count with my fingers how many times he has bought me anything. I mean I gave a him a break since he never had a steady job... but now he has a good job and he gets commission checks, but it seems to me like he keeps bringing up bills so he won't have to buy me anything. He just told me last night that he wasn't going to be able to buy me any gifts this year... i just said "whats new"!

 

I'm not mad I'm more hurt. I bought him great gifts this year because I thought It would be special!!

 

He did have money till recently... the reason why i am mad I guess is because I thought it would have been best to save money for Christmas and buy the gifts early... which he didn't do... so now he is broke and all he does is complaint about HIS bills!!!

 

Should I be mad? Or am I over reacting?

 

BTW I have already talked to him about it and all he does is say sorry... but to me it isn't enough.

Why shouldn't he complain about "HIS" bills if he's struggling to pay them or living paycheck to paycheck or something? So he gets a commission check and instead of spending it on wants he pays his bills? And you have a problem with that? Or do you mean he's shopping and buying himself things he doesn't need when he gets some extra money that doesn't go toward bills?

 

I do think he should get you something inexpensive and thoughtful, or make something. Why don't you bring that up to him?

[D-Jam]

I think what bothers me isn't so much the money, but the fact that it seems he hasn't tried to do something to at least make it special.

 

A card? A poem? Inexpensive bouquet of flowers from the grocery store? Cook some food and light candles? A cheap gift under $10?

 

Come on now...if he's not even going to make an effort then what does it say about him in the long run? I'm not saying he's got to run out and spend tons of money on you, but geez...if you love someone then you put forth the effort.

 

His actions more sound like he's trying to avoid gifting and even special days. Like he'll use the money excuse to just avoid holidays and special days altogether.

Edited December 16, 2009 by D-Jam

[boogieboy]

Be happy you have someone to sleep with for xmas.

He's never given you anything before, its because he doesnt like giving gifts.

He doesnt care about xmas like you do. I dont blame him, I dont either.

Leave him alone. Let him pay his bills. Obviously you didnt tell him what you wanted for xmas, because you already know that hints dont work.

Accept him for who he is, he doesnt like giving gifts like you do.

[Lish]

Be happy you have someone to sleep with for xmas.

He's never given you anything before, its because he doesnt like giving gifts.

He doesnt care about xmas like you do. I dont blame him, I dont either.

Leave him alone. Let him pay his bills. Obviously you didnt tell him what you wanted for xmas, because you already know that hints dont work.

Accept him for who he is, he doesnt like giving gifts like you do.

 

I completely agree.

 

If he bought xmas gifts for EVERYONE bar you, then I, perhaps, understand why you feel so left out. However, stop trying to change your boyfriend, he will only resent you.

 

He doesn't like giving gifts and just because you do, you've got your underwear in knots that he wont give you anything. He is his own person, has his own preferences, his own life, so stop trying to make YOURS rub off on him.

 

And really, if you expect a romantic dinner just for xmas, I'd say your relationship is in trouble. Romance doesn't really have a time or place (again, because he doesn't do it when YOU want, you get pissed)... it happens because people want their partner to see what they mean to them ..not because they feel pressured into it or JUST because it's christmas.

 

Look, if you love the guy, just be happy you're with him. So many people are alone at christmas.

YOU are NOT.

Edited December 16, 2009 by Lish

[boogieboy]

WHEW!! I thought I was gonna get flamed for that one. I actually panicked!

 

Mary, gifts is obviously not the way your BF shows love. Maybe its the way you work, but you dont give gifts just to gauge how he feels about you. What you need to do is discuss with him how he shows you love, and ask him to do more of that.

[Lish]

So my BF and I have been together for about 4 years and we are currently living together, for the the past 4 years he has never really bought me anything. I can literally count with my fingers how many times he has bought me anything. I mean I gave a him a break since he never had a steady job... but now he has a good job and he gets commission checks, but it seems to me like he keeps bringing up bills so he won't have to buy me anything. He just told me last night that he wasn't going to be able to buy me any gifts this year... i just said "whats new"!

 

I'm not mad I'm more hurt. I bought him great gifts this year because I thought It would be special!!

 

He did have money till recently... the reason why i am mad I guess is because I thought it would have been best to save money for Christmas and buy the gifts early... which he didn't do... so now he is broke and all he does is complaint about HIS bills!!!

 

Should I be mad? Or am I over reacting?

 

BTW I have already talked to him about it and all he does is say sorry... but to me it isn't enough.

 

A few more things. I'm sorry if I'm coming across as harsh, but you really need to get over yourself.

 

And all YOU do is complain that he isn't giving you christmas presents.

 

And what isn't enough? The fact he doesn't want to give you the material things which you think, are OH SO important in how your boyfriend expresses how he feels about you? WRONG. If you're relying on material items to feel loved, you and your boyfriend are in deep trouble.

[harmfulsweetz]

Boogieboy, Lish see where you are both coming from, but completely disagree. He may not be a 'gift giver' but he happily enough accepts gifts given to him? That makes no sense. It really doesn't. If say he is against the commerciality of christmas, fine, then say to her, look, I don't like gifts at xmas, don't get me anything. It's simply polite to get someone who has got you a gift, something in return. I'm not saying that should be the sole purpose of gift giving, but it's polite, and shows thought. His reasoning was lack of money, excuse me? It costs next to nothing to make a photo collage, burn a few of her fave songs to disc, something thoughtful. The best gifts are sometimes the cheapest, but the most thoughtful.

 

I don't think this is so much about the gift itself, it's more about the entire thoughtlessness of it all. He hadn't once told her just doesn't like giving gifts, he said he was broke. So I really don't think its wise to start assuming things that the OP has not written as such. I think he's just thoughtless, like I said, he should stipulate his views on giving gifts, not expect her to get him something, and find he hasn't bothered.

 

Point: Just because he doesn't like giving gifts, doesn't mean he shouldn't. If he knows someone has went to the trouble to get him something, he should get them something too. It's all about the thought for me.

[2sunny]

take all his gifts back. then buy yourself some things you want and wrap them with a tag from him to you.

 

you get the gifts you want. he gets the gift he always gets for you.

[harmfulsweetz]

A few more things. I'm sorry if I'm coming across as harsh, but you really need to get over yourself.

 

And all YOU do is complain that he isn't giving you christmas presents.

 

And what isn't enough? The fact he doesn't want to give you the material things which you think, are OH SO important in how your boyfriend expresses how he feels about you? WRONG. If you're relying on material items to feel loved, you and your boyfriend are in deep trouble.

 

 

Yet he accepts material gifts? How does that make any shred of sense to you? How is that fair to you? If you happily receive, you should happily give.

[deebeechrisyo]

What's he going to do, deny recieving a gift from someone? That could be considered more hurtful to the giver then not recieiving one in return. Anyway, I'm in line with the thinking that you shouldn't offer a gift with the sole purpose of expecting to recieve one back. I already have to do that with my family and it's stressfull enough

 

If your boyfriends shows his love in other ways, what is the big deal.

[threebyfate]

take all his gifts back. then buy yourself some things you want and wrap them with a tag from him to you.

 

you get the gifts you want. he gets the gift he always gets for you.

Why retag the gifts from him? If you're going to wrap them up, retag them from you to you!

 

Sorry, but this guy's a cheap ass, especially effort-wise. A gift doesn't have to be expensive, just something given from the heart.

[harmfulsweetz]

What's he going to do, deny recieving a gift from someone? That could be considered more hurtful to the giver then not recieiving one in return. Anyway, I'm in line with the thinking that you shouldn't offer a gift with the sole purpose of expecting to recieve one back. I already have to do that with my family and it's stressfull enough

 

If your boyfriends shows his love in other ways, what is the big deal.

My point was, if as Lish and Boogieboy say, he was against giving gifts for some moral, or w/e reason, he should also be against receiving them. Surely, he would feel bad about her putting the effort in when he blatantly just can't be bothered? I would. I don't have any money myself, my presents this year are handmade trinkets and photo albums and things, but I'd sooner have that, than give them nothing. Granted, material things aren't the biggest deal, in fact, they mean nothing. It's the thought though, isn't it? It's nice to get someone something because you think it will make them happy, if he likes receiving gifts, then how does he imagine she'd feel receiving nothing from him for four years?

[Lakeside_runner]

Well, my GF hasn't gotten me anything... but it's our first X-mes together and we're gonna spend it essentially on different continents. I guess she just didn't expect any gift from me either judging from her look when I gave her my gift, so she's excused. You'r BF is not!!!

[threebyfate]

Well, my GF hasn't gotten me anything... but it's our first X-mes together and we're gonna spend it essentially on different continents. I guess she just didn't expect any gift from me either judging from her look when I gave her my gift, so she's excused. You'r BF is not!!!

Sorry, but your g/f doesn't get a free pass. She can at minimum, send you an e-card or e-gift certificate.

[Lish]

Yet he accepts material gifts? How does that make any shred of sense to you? How is that fair to you? If you happily receive, you should happily give.

 

So what you're saying is ...if someone buys me a gift out of their own choice, I'm not allowed to "happily receive" the gift with appreciation unless I go out and "happily give" a gift back?

 

Please, give me a break.

 

What can't people understand about this? I mean, what is so utterly difficult to get?

Buying gifts appears to be how this woman expresses her love & JUST because it's not HIS way of showing his affection, he therefore isn't allowed to accept hers?

[Angel1111]

I think this is total nonsense. If he really just didn't like giving gifts as a rule, then he should say that so that she knows the rules. This is a man who doesn't care. This is the type of situation where he eventually leaves you for someone he really does care about and he'll shower her with gifts.

[Lakeside_runner]

Sorry, but your g/f doesn't get a free pass. She can at minimum, send you an e-card or e-gift certificate.

 

Even though when we took a walk once and I told her I've no mittens or gloves , she gave me a pair next time we saw each other. And I'm not talking cheap Target/Walmart mittens here - I'm talking kick-a** nice mittens! Oh come on - she gets a free-pass!

[harmfulsweetz]

So what you're saying is ...if someone buys me a gift out of their own choice, I'm not allowed to "happily receive" the gift with appreciation unless I go out and "happily give" a gift back?

 

Please, give me a break.

 

What can't people understand about this? I mean, what is so utterly difficult to get?

Buying gifts appears to be how this woman expresses her love & JUST because it's not HIS way of showing his affection, he therefore isn't allowed to accept hers?

OP has never said it was about a stance against giving presents, though did she? She said it was about his lack of money.

 

What is so hard to understand about that?

 

 

I'm sorry, but if I wasn't going to make an effort to get someone even a little something, I would be very embarrassed to receive a present. If its that, then he should say to her that that's the reason. I think it's merely selfish. Oh, I'll take and take and take, but I can't be bothered to give back. Is it really that bloody hard? Write a card, make a cd, a photo collage, buy a cheap necklace whatever, how is it hard? How does it inconvenience him in any way? Ok, he may have to go to the shops, he may have to dig around for loose change, he may have to download songs, but essentially, if it makes her happy, he should be happy to do it for her. I love giving gifts not because I particularly enjoying shopping for other people, but because, I like seeing how happy it makes them.

[Lish]

I think this is total nonsense. If he really just didn't like giving gifts as a rule, then he should say that so that she knows the rules. This is a man who doesn't care. This is the type of situation where he eventually leaves you for someone he really does care about and he'll shower her with gifts.

 

You make the OP sound stupid. She's been with him FOUR years. Surely she gets the "rule" by now?

[torranceshipman]

I agree with Angel...he sounds like he's just not that into you (cringe...sorry, I hate that phrase but it's a good description!). I get what other poster are saying about the guy not being a gift giver BUT when you guys have been together for so long, when he knows what this means to you, when he is happy to accept gifts from you and knows you have spent time and effort choosing them AND doesn't seem to split bills adequately...it all adds up to complete thoughtlessness.

 

I'd have thought that if he had a pathological aversion to gift giving (which incidentally makes him the Grinch!), then he'd have had a respectful conversation with you about it, but no...he just happily swans along taking whatever you give him. At the very least take his gifts back and spend the money you get via refunds on yourself.

 

Just the fact that he'll know how disappointed you'll be on Christmas Day...man, that'd kill some boyfriends! I don't know how he is cool with that. I went in a store today to buy my boyfriend something and the guy in the store said he'd had a sleepless night about his girl's present, as he wasn't sure of her size and really wanted her to like it! (lol, I wish that guy luck if he gets the wrong size, but anyways)...

 

How is everything else in the R? I think it's fine if he's not that demonstrative with gifts normally, but sheesh...once a year at Christmas? He can't even manage that?!

[threebyfate]

Even though when we took a walk once and I told her I've no mittens or gloves , she gave me a pair next time we saw each other. And I'm not talking cheap Target/Walmart mittens here - I'm talking kick-a** nice mittens! Oh come on - she gets a free-pass!

Okay, for this first Christmas, she gets a free pass. Any other special occasion, she'd better make it up to you since the two of you didn't talk about it in advance, hence the assumption that gift-giving is part of the tradition.

 

How can anyone not be cringe-worthy embarrassed with themselves, to receive and not to give, over a 4 year period? That's incredibly self-centric.

[Lakeside_runner]

Totally self-centered! I know that both parties should be equal in a relationship but X-mas is one of the few opportunities to do something sweet for each other just because it's the time of the year. I could not imagine not giving my GF a gift that she'd open on X-mes morning. I'm kinda excited to hear from her after she opens it since it took me a long time to come up with it!

[Lish]

OP has never said it was about a stance against giving presents, though did she? She said it was about his lack of money.

 

What is so hard to understand about that?

 

 

I'm sorry, but if I wasn't going to make an effort to get someone even a little something, I would be very embarrassed to receive a present. If its that, then he should say to her that that's the reason. I think it's merely selfish. Oh, I'll take and take and take, but I can't be bothered to give back. Is it really that bloody hard? Write a card, make a cd, a photo collage, buy a cheap necklace whatever, how is it hard? How does it inconvenience him in any way? Ok, he may have to go to the shops, he may have to dig around for loose change, he may have to download songs, but essentially, if it makes her happy, he should be happy to do it for her. I love giving gifts not because I particularly enjoying shopping for other people, but because, I like seeing how happy it makes them.

 

You just answered your own question. It doesn't cost money to give someone a meaningful gift. You said you don't have alot of money... and neither did/does he, but somehow, you make sure people get gifts. The fact he didn't ensure this implies he just doesn't feel it's an important way for HIM to share his affection?

 

None of us here know what he's like the other 99% of the year, so I guess we're talking about rubbish and assuming things. If the romance is dead after four years... and she therefore wants something material to make her happy, then like I said, then it's big trouble for them. However, if the romance is coming thick and fast from him the rest of the time, then I don't see the problem with two people in a relationship not showing their love in the SAME way?

Edited December 17, 2009 by Lish