tkgirl Posted September 3, 2009 Share Posted September 3, 2009 so two different situations have come up with guys in my life recently that have made me realize this... that guys can't or just don't want to be friends with girls... or maybe it's just me? guy #1 - my neighbor who I have gone out with "as friends" and have had a lot of fun with and some good talks with etc... well, he has sort of made it known in the past that he is attracted to me... but also knew that there was another guy (#2) that I have had a hard time getting over and that I really just want him (#1) for my friend. He seemed like he was cool with it, but then the last few times we have made plans to hang out he has either called me to cancel at the last minute or blown me off completely! The last time was when HE asked me to get together that evening to go have a beer etc and said he'd call me that night.... well he never did and that was over a week ago now.. no call to say he's sorry or anything! I'm pretty much like F him then but it still hurts.... guy #2 - is my sort of "ex" that I can't seem to shake... in my defense he would often pop back into my life and say he missed me too... so I know he cares about me and all that. So this last round we decided to hang out as "friends" and it was awkward, yes.. but nice too... and we got together a few times. The last time we hung out we had a lot of fun, and we ended the night with a big hug and he said he'd "call me soon" and well.. no call yet and it's been even longer... like 3 weeks! I give up.. I like having guys as friends... sometimes even more than girls because they are a little more reckless and fun... most girls are too worried about breaking a nail or something! but it seems like it's getting harder to do that... to be "just friends" with guys. anyways... guess I wanted to hear from some of the guys on here... what's your take on being friends with girls... have you been able to do it without it turning "weird"? Link to post Share on other sites
BCCA Posted September 3, 2009 Share Posted September 3, 2009 The only girls I can be friends with are girls that I have absolutely no attraction to. It doesnt mean they have to be ugly, but if Ive known a couple female friends for over a decade, and they just dont give me those vibes. anyways... guess I wanted to hear from some of the guys on here... what's your take on being friends with girls... have you been able to do it without it turning "weird"? Honestly, I feel as a guy, its more like 'why?' than anything else. If Im attracted to you, but you dont feel the same way, why do I really want to be hanging out with you? That seems like unneccesary pain for me. I know people say they want to be friends, but what else are they supposed to say? Ex's are a whole other breed. Like Ive said before, guys only want ex's as 'friends' for sex or to get back together. At most, they check in on you every six months to a year, see if youre single, but its not a real friendship. So to answer your question, no, I do not talk to women with the hopes that they'll be my friend. I mean, I dont want to make enemies, but if I approach a woman and find her attractive, I want to date her. If we amicably decide we dont want to date, fine we can be friends, but if a girl doesnt want to date me, I dont want to hang out with you. Its just not really doing anything for me at that point, sorry to say. Link to post Share on other sites
Untouchable_Fire Posted September 3, 2009 Share Posted September 3, 2009 so two different situations have come up with guys in my life recently that have made me realize this... that guys can't or just don't want to be friends with girls... or maybe it's just me? Not many guys want to be platonic... unless your unattractive. However, I have a female friend that I swear makes the best wingman ever! Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted September 3, 2009 Share Posted September 3, 2009 Oh this is utter crap! of course guys can be friends! I have two guy friends who are the best ever! We have a laugh and can talk about anything - soccer, sex, cooking, cars.... Of course, the fact that they're gay might make the difference..... Link to post Share on other sites
likeORIGAMI Posted September 3, 2009 Share Posted September 3, 2009 A man can never be friends with a woman if he finds her attractive. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted September 3, 2009 Share Posted September 3, 2009 That's bull. A man can be friends with a woman if he finds her attractive, providing he has a hold of civility, dignity, respect and boundaries. If a man can't tell the difference between what is appropriate and possible, and inapporpriate and impossible - then he has no right to even having a girlfriend, let alone a friend, who's a woman. Link to post Share on other sites
WTRanger Posted September 3, 2009 Share Posted September 3, 2009 That's bull. A man can be friends with a woman if he finds her attractive, providing he has a hold of civility, dignity, respect and boundaries. If a man can't tell the difference between what is appropriate and possible, and inapporpriate and impossible - then he has no right to even having a girlfriend, let alone a friend, who's a woman. I agree, to a certain extent. If the guy or gal finds their friend attractive and develops feelings for this person, then the friendship is tossed upside down. It's almost impossible to be around someone you are falling for and that person doesn't see you on the same level. It's unnecessary pain as BCCA stated. Your feelings and your thoughts inside your head do not respect boundaries. Your actions can, but inside you'll be hurting. The few actual female friends I have, I find attractive but I'm not sexually attracted to them nor do I have romantic feelings for them. Therefore I'm able to be around them if they start talking about the other guys in their life. When I've been around girls who I have had feelings for and if I see them or hear them talk about other guys, it's painful. We've all experienced this too, so why continue to repeat it? Link to post Share on other sites
espec10001 Posted September 3, 2009 Share Posted September 3, 2009 so two different situations have come up with guys in my life recently that have made me realize this... that guys can't or just don't want to be friends with girls... or maybe it's just me? guy #1 - my neighbor who I have gone out with "as friends" and have had a lot of fun with and some good talks with etc... well, he has sort of made it known in the past that he is attracted to me... but also knew that there was another guy (#2) that I have had a hard time getting over and that I really just want him (#1) for my friend. He seemed like he was cool with it, but then the last few times we have made plans to hang out he has either called me to cancel at the last minute or blown me off completely! The last time was when HE asked me to get together that evening to go have a beer etc and said he'd call me that night.... well he never did and that was over a week ago now.. no call to say he's sorry or anything! I'm pretty much like F him then but it still hurts.... guy #2 - is my sort of "ex" that I can't seem to shake... in my defense he would often pop back into my life and say he missed me too... so I know he cares about me and all that. So this last round we decided to hang out as "friends" and it was awkward, yes.. but nice too... and we got together a few times. The last time we hung out we had a lot of fun, and we ended the night with a big hug and he said he'd "call me soon" and well.. no call yet and it's been even longer... like 3 weeks! I give up.. I like having guys as friends... sometimes even more than girls because they are a little more reckless and fun... most girls are too worried about breaking a nail or something! but it seems like it's getting harder to do that... to be "just friends" with guys. anyways... guess I wanted to hear from some of the guys on here... what's your take on being friends with girls... have you been able to do it without it turning "weird"? Maybe if American women started dressing like they want to be respected for their minds and personalities instead of their bodies then guys would be more friendly towards them and not sexual. Why females don't get this yet I don't understand. Link to post Share on other sites
WTRanger Posted September 3, 2009 Share Posted September 3, 2009 Oh this is utter crap! of course guys can be friends! I have two guy friends who are the best ever! We have a laugh and can talk about anything - soccer, sex, cooking, cars.... Of course, the fact that they're gay might make the difference..... That makes a HUGE difference. The sexual tension isn't there which is the key to guys and girls trying to be friends but it getting weird. Link to post Share on other sites
dreamergrl Posted September 3, 2009 Share Posted September 3, 2009 I think male and females can be friends, but there has to be no desire on either part to be more then friends. Link to post Share on other sites
monkey00 Posted September 3, 2009 Share Posted September 3, 2009 I think in order for a guy and woman to be friends there has to be some sexual/romantic/intellectual attraction from either party. Yes I said it, either one of the parties wants to get into your pants. It's very well possible to be friends with the opposite sex. But as others said they just don't want to invest physical and emotional time with someone if it isn't going to develop into something more. Link to post Share on other sites
caramel c Posted September 3, 2009 Share Posted September 3, 2009 If they are one of my friend's boyfriends or husbands, then yes. Otherwise, it's not very likely at all. I have never, ever became friends with a guy who didn't end up wanting more. Maybe some people can; I have never had this experience. I have never had a successful friendship with a guy that didn't end abruptly or drift away slowly because he wanted me. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted September 3, 2009 Share Posted September 3, 2009 OP, welcome to the world of how men are. No expectations, no concern. I've been dealing with it for years with male 'friends' (and I'm male). If you're spending time with them doing mutual interests, then you're maybe friends. If you're 'hanging out', they just are going about getting laid in a bad way. For example, I've had female friends I cycle with, volunteer with, be in car clubs with, etc. We came together as friends over our interests. The other dynamic is mutual care. If you both proactively show care and interest, then friendship is possible. If it's one-sided, it's just a Hoover (either him wanting to get laid or you wanting a tampon). Expect it to fail. Link to post Share on other sites
CaliGuy Posted September 3, 2009 Share Posted September 3, 2009 TK, google the "ladder theory" and you'll have your answer. Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted September 3, 2009 Share Posted September 3, 2009 I have a hard time believing that a guy would single a girl out and pursue her if he was interested in only 'friends'. I think friendships can happen through chance, but I don't think that is the motivation when a man seeks out a woman. If the man is pursuing for any reason, 'friends' ain't on the agenda so to speak. Link to post Share on other sites
WTRanger Posted September 3, 2009 Share Posted September 3, 2009 It's just really simple biology. Men and women aren't designed to be friends. Despite what Oprah or Dr. Phil might say, we still have animal instincts. One of the core instincts is to mate for the good of our species. I know that sounds dumb in today's world, but you need to think about the primal human self that dwells within us all. Yes we are civilized now, but just like a dog or a cat, if you throw us out into nature we can revert back to our primal selves quickly. Yes men and women can be friends. But to be a friend with someone you have to get to know them, you find things out about them. You have common interests and goals, likes and dislikes, favorite movies, foods, colors, etc. Doesn't this sound a lot like the early stages of dating someone? So what are our base instincts supposed to think? Friends? Lovers? Our cheap brains are not that sophisticated to understand a concept like male and female friends. Our brains are better suited to figure out easier concepts, like time travel. Link to post Share on other sites
loveslife Posted September 3, 2009 Share Posted September 3, 2009 I've lost a slew of guy friends because the issues of sex and romance came between us. Most often it was them wanting more with me, but a couple of times it was me wanting more with them. Currently, my best friend is a guy. He's an ex. It's platonic now. He's married and lives thousands of miles away. We've been through so much together at this point and know each other so deeply - and had a great sex life when we were together - that I suspect if we were both single we might get together. HOWEVER, I doubt either of us thinks our relationship is second rate because we're "just" friends. It's an incredibly fulfilling relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
caramel c Posted September 3, 2009 Share Posted September 3, 2009 It's just really simple biology. Men and women aren't designed to be friends. Despite what Oprah or Dr. Phil might say, we still have animal instincts. One of the core instincts is to mate for the good of our species. I know that sounds dumb in today's world, but you need to think about the primal human self that dwells within us all. Yes we are civilized now, but just like a dog or a cat, if you throw us out into nature we can revert back to our primal selves quickly. Yes men and women can be friends. But to be a friend with someone you have to get to know them, you find things out about them. You have common interests and goals, likes and dislikes, favorite movies, foods, colors, etc. Doesn't this sound a lot like the early stages of dating someone? So what are our base instincts supposed to think? Friends? Lovers? Our cheap brains are not that sophisticated to understand a concept like male and female friends. Our brains are better suited to figure out easier concepts, like time travel. That is very interesting, thank you. Link to post Share on other sites
loveslife Posted September 3, 2009 Share Posted September 3, 2009 Our brains are better suited to figure out easier concepts, like time travel. I'm fascinated by the concept of time travel. I think it's possible. Link to post Share on other sites
caramel c Posted September 3, 2009 Share Posted September 3, 2009 1.21 jiggawatts!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
WTRanger Posted September 3, 2009 Share Posted September 3, 2009 I'm fascinated by the concept of time travel. I think it's possible. See!!!!! We can agree on a concept so far out there as traveling through time, yet we can't agree if men and women can actually be friends! How F'd up is that!!!!!! Just like the DeLorean's aluminum frame made time travel possible, our human make ups make opposite sex friendships almost impossible in the beginning until the feelings get sorted out. Link to post Share on other sites
loveslife Posted September 3, 2009 Share Posted September 3, 2009 See!!!!! We can agree on a concept so far out there as traveling through time, yet we can't agree if men and women can actually be friends! How F'd up is that!!!!!! Just like the DeLorean's aluminum frame made time travel possible, our human make ups make opposite sex friendships almost impossible in the beginning until the feelings get sorted out. I wonder why we can't figure out this men/women/friends/lovers thing better. Hmmmmm maybe if we went back in time and asked Freud, he would know! Honestly, I've gone back and forth on the idea of men as friends. I love having men as friends but it can be extremely complicated. Even when two couples are friends you often hear about two of them pairing off for an affair or leaving the other two to be together. Maybe it's because of our carnal nature? Link to post Share on other sites
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