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How can you reach out to a man that has been hurt in the past???


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Old 7th August 2009, 4:04 PM   #1
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Unhappy How can you reach out to a man that has been hurt in the past???

Its kind of a complicated situation. I met this guy on this online website. We really hit it off. Neither of us were ready for a relationship so kind of took things slow. Then we had a talk about where it was going and agreed. However, we were both still on the website. I finally decided to delete it. I kept having conflicting feelings about him, and some guys messaged me and although i know it was wrong, i responded because i was just so unsure about this guy. I never ever had intentions of meeting him. So, i just stopped responding to any messages after that. Then, i confronted him about his profile, and he admitted that one person emailed him and he did respond but didnt meet them, then he asked well, are you talking to any guys? I didnt admit i was and i know it wasnt fair. I kept deleting and recreating my profile about 5 times and he has had the same one all along. Well, i guess he decided to teach me a lesson because he put an updated picture on there last week. He did it for that exact reason because i got furious about his profile, but here i was with a new one. So, i guess he has the same feelings as i do which is unsure about me. Now, he says he thinks he trusts me but doesnt know if i am talking to other guys. So, i promised to delete my profile and never go on that website ever again.

My only problem is i feel i cant reach him. He has some pain from a past relationship that he tolerated for a long time, and it clearly did some real damage. I try hard to get him to open up, and he has opened up Alot better than 6 months ago. I have no problem being patient because i know he is a great guy inside, just looking for some advice as to what i can do. He doesnt communicate well. He gets frustrated, and sighs, and then doesnt want to talk about it anymore, but i have to talk him through it very calmly. Any ideas???
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Old 7th August 2009, 5:45 PM   #2
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Well to answer the question in your title, you can't fix him.

But your post has nothing to do with him, his past, or how that affects you, so I don't really understand what the problem is. Maybe you could clarify.

Unless you're implying that he has a troubled past, and the fact that he can't monitor your profile means he doesn't trust you? In which case, still not your problem.
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Old 7th August 2009, 5:49 PM   #3
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So, you've changed your profile a bunch of times, have emailed guys and you're upset about him changing his picture?
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Old 7th August 2009, 6:36 PM   #4
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Originally Posted by justagirl09 View Post
Its kind of a complicated situation. I met this guy on this online website. We really hit it off. Neither of us were ready for a relationship so kind of took things slow. Then we had a talk about where it was going and agreed. However, we were both still on the website. I finally decided to delete it. I kept having conflicting feelings about him, and some guys messaged me and although i know it was wrong, i responded because i was just so unsure about this guy. I never ever had intentions of meeting him. So, i just stopped responding to any messages after that. Then, i confronted him about his profile, and he admitted that one person emailed him and he did respond but didnt meet them, then he asked well, are you talking to any guys? I didnt admit i was and i know it wasnt fair. I kept deleting and recreating my profile about 5 times and he has had the same one all along. Well, i guess he decided to teach me a lesson because he put an updated picture on there last week. He did it for that exact reason because i got furious about his profile, but here i was with a new one. So, i guess he has the same feelings as i do which is unsure about me. Now, he says he thinks he trusts me but doesnt know if i am talking to other guys. So, i promised to delete my profile and never go on that website ever again.

My only problem is i feel i cant reach him. He has some pain from a past relationship that he tolerated for a long time, and it clearly did some real damage. I try hard to get him to open up, and he has opened up Alot better than 6 months ago. I have no problem being patient because i know he is a great guy inside, just looking for some advice as to what i can do. He doesnt communicate well. He gets frustrated, and sighs, and then doesnt want to talk about it anymore, but i have to talk him through it very calmly. Any ideas???

Firstly, you shouldn't be trying to reach him. You are kind of all over the place with yourself right now, and the last thing someone who is hurting needs is a relationship in their life, let alone one with a person who is unsure of themselves and doesn't have a stable footing on things. Why are you questioning him about his profiles, and then lying about yours? Why are you making agreements with him; but never planned to meet him? Or did I read that wrong? Did you mean to say, you never planned to meet the guy who messaged you? If so, ok. Either way; making 5 different profiles? Here's the deal, you need to fix yourself nstead of projecting it onto another person (this guy). Honestly, I don't think this guy trusts you too much and he doesn't have a reason to either.
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Old 7th August 2009, 6:42 PM   #5
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Originally Posted by hoping2heal View Post
Firstly, you shouldn't be trying to reach him. You are kind of all over the place with yourself right now, and the last thing someone who is hurting needs is a relationship in their life, let alone one with a person who is unsure of themselves and doesn't have a stable footing on things. Why are you questioning him about his profiles, and then lying about yours? Why are you making agreements with him; but never planned to meet him? Or did I read that wrong? Did you mean to say, you never planned to meet the guy who messaged you? If so, ok. Either way; making 5 different profiles? Here's the deal, you need to fix yourself nstead of projecting it onto another person (this guy). Honestly, I don't think this guy trusts you too much and he doesn't have a reason to either.
Agreed. I'm in a similar situation to your guy, I got hurt badly after 7 years together, although I really want another relationship and miss the companionship, I need to be able to be happy with me first, and to get to a stage that I am happy without my past affecting my present. Your guy needs to deal with his issues, it sounds like he's still on the rebound...

You on the other hand, need to STOP, and I mean S T O P being so hypocritical when you've been replying to other guys and even changing your profile to conceal yourself! What are you doing?! If you're serious about this man, sort yourself out, and let him do the same before you try to take things 'slow' again.
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Old 7th August 2009, 6:51 PM   #6
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You feel guilty cause you lied to a guy you talked to online about other men online? Seriously too much drama over a website. Stop worrying about him, you've never met him before and what he says about his self while chatting with you doesn't mean that they're true.

Like they say: The internetz, serious business lol.
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Old 7th August 2009, 6:59 PM   #7
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If you never plan to meet him, what would be the point of all this drama?

For that matter, if for some strange reason, the two of you end up getting together, imagine how bad the drama will escalate....
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Old 7th August 2009, 8:52 PM   #8
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No offense

But people like you and him are why I don't online date. Seriously. Both aren't ready for a relationship because of baggage, and both are online dating sites. Why are you looking for someone when you don't want a relationship? Online sites are primarily for people who want to meet other people to date and build relationships with.

In addition, the passive aggressive profile up/down, new picture thing is annoying. Tell him what you want, if he doesn't want it. MOVE ON.

This is not rocket science, it's not overall complicated. But you and he CHOOSE to make it complicated.

The whole, is he too "hurt" for a relationship and analyzing is a waste of your time. He is either ready or not. If he is ready, then he is. If you are, then you are. Again, making complications out of things that can be weeded out the first contact.
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Old 8th August 2009, 12:29 AM   #9
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Originally Posted by zicke View Post
But people like you and him are why I don't online date. Seriously. Both aren't ready for a relationship because of baggage, and both are online dating sites. Why are you looking for someone when you don't want a relationship? Online sites are primarily for people who want to meet other people to date and build relationships with.

In addition, the passive aggressive profile up/down, new picture thing is annoying. Tell him what you want, if he doesn't want it. MOVE ON.

This is not rocket science, it's not overall complicated. But you and he CHOOSE to make it complicated.

The whole, is he too "hurt" for a relationship and analyzing is a waste of your time. He is either ready or not. If he is ready, then he is. If you are, then you are. Again, making complications out of things that can be weeded out the first contact.
I agree with everything you've said. I don't do online dating either - it forces you to oversell yourself; I'd rather meet someone face to face, more slowly so I can get to know them, then have 30 profiles of people who supposedly want to meet me, each whom have 30 profiles of people who want to meet them...lol its just too damned complicated.
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Old 8th August 2009, 12:33 AM   #10
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Originally Posted by justagirl09 View Post
He has some pain from a past relationship that he tolerated for a long time, and it clearly did some real damage.
Every guy has been hurt.. every guy you will meet will carry baggage from that hurt so don't make excuses for the guy or make this into a fixing mission when it isn't.

You are both clearly not each others love of their life..

Time for you both to move on and date others.. say goodbye to him and say hello to a new guy.
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Old 8th August 2009, 12:57 AM   #11
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As I've learned tonight, and had already learned before but had conveniently forgotten because they suck you in:

YOU CAN'T REACH OUT TO A MAN WHO'S HOLDING ONTO HURT FROM THE PAST. HE'S DAMAGED GOODS AND WILL ONLY BRING YOU PAIN. Find a guy who was mature/mentally healthy enough to deal with his baggage, or has none.

A, I WISH I'D NEVER MET YOU.
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Old 8th August 2009, 11:11 AM   #12
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Originally Posted by Birdy View Post
YOU CAN'T REACH OUT TO A MAN WHO'S HOLDING ONTO HURT FROM THE PAST. HE'S DAMAGED GOODS AND WILL ONLY BRING YOU PAIN. Find a guy who was mature/mentally healthy enough to deal with his baggage, or has none.

A, I WISH I'D NEVER MET YOU.
I think it makes sense to reach out to someone is emotionally available, congruent in terms of relationship interest and committed.

That's alot to ask for these days, a little old fashioned and uncool but it'll save you heartache, right?
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