No emotion, but still happy?

[Nemoralis]

I am a little confused right now. I have been dating a great guy for about 4 months now. He is absolutely gorgeous, successful, sweet, caring, etc. We get along great, enjoy similar activities, and have the exact same idea as to how a relationship should work (and it's rare to find someone who thinks the way we do around here).

 

I could definitely see myself spending the rest of my life with him. We have talked about where we want to live in a few years, where our lives (together) are heading, how many kids we'd want and when, and about moving in together next spring.

 

Now the confusing part - I don't really feel any emotion for him right now. I was hurt pretty bad in my last relationship (though it certainly wasn't the end of the world) and I think I may just be numb right now. I love spending time with him and I'm extremely attracted to him so the sex is great, but I just don't feel the "infatuation" of a new relationship.

 

In a way I kind of like it, because it allows me to think clearly. And I know HE is infatuated right now, so at least one of us needs a clear head! I also don't feel so bummed out when we have to cancel plans or I have to go a day without seeing him. It's sort of nice.

 

But is this normal?

[neowulf]

Now the confusing part - I don't really feel any emotion for him right now. I was hurt pretty bad in my last relationship (though it certainly wasn't the end of the world) and I think I may just be numb right now. I love spending time with him and I'm extremely attracted to him so the sex is great, but I just don't feel the "infatuation" of a new relationship.

 

But is this normal?

 

I can relate to this, mainly because I'm going through it myself.

 

I can't speak for you, but that "numbness" is a sign that I'm *not* ready to give my heart to someone else.

 

I met a girl very much like the guy you described above. She was amazing wife material.

 

Yet in the end it all fell apart the moment she said "I love you" and I knew in my heart I couldn't say those words without lying to her.

 

I wasn't "In love" with her. I liked her, I respected her and I really appreciated everything she brought to the relationship.. but none of these things is a substitute for "love".

 

After things ended, I realised that I was emotionally unavailable and unwilling to let myself be vulnerable again.

 

My advice, don't lead this guy on waiting for your feelings to develop. If you're not feeling it, then let him know and move on. Otherwise you'll only end up hurting him.

[Sam Spade]

In such threads, there are always two camps: "break up now, immediately, it's the right thing to" do etc., etc., etc., vs. "are you insane to throw a good relationship away".

 

I'm always amused (but mostly irritated) by the extremism of *either* of the view points (though I understand the sense of moral superiority people could get by throwing clear-cut prescriptions around ).

 

The point is, that between the extremes, there is a grey area called reality, and only you cen discern - possibly slowly and over time - what exactly is going on. This is the conclusion I've reached after being in a similar situation. I would say that one mistake that many people make in relationships is to overthink (i'm one of them). It's pretty hard to navigate, but eventually you get to make a choice (and live with the rewards and the consequences), but nobody can do the thinking (and the feeling) for you.

[neowulf]

In such threads, there are always two camps: "break up now, immediately, it's the right thing to" do etc., etc., etc., vs. "are you insane to throw a good relationship away".

 

I'm always amused (but mostly irritated) by the extremism of *either* of the view points (though I understand the sense of moral superiority people could get by throwing clear-cut prescriptions around ).

 

The point is, that between the extremes, there is a grey area called reality, and only you cen discern - possibly slowly and over time - what exactly is going on. This is the conclusion I've reached after being in a similar situation. I would say that one mistake that many people make in relationships is to overthink (i'm one of them). It's pretty hard to navigate, but eventually you get to make a choice (and live with the rewards and the consequences), but nobody can do the thinking (and the feeling) for you.

 

Well, forums are about opinions and "figure it out for yourself" doesn't seem like overly helpful advice (although perhaps most apt).

 

In my case (which is all I can really comment on), I really ended up hurting the girl who had real feelings for me while I was busying trying to figure out what my feelings were.

 

Sure, she knew where she stood, but ultimately it was a selfish thing to do to her. I got all of the benefits with none of the emotional risks or heart ache she had to deal with.

 

I regretted that. I'm simply passing on that experience. As you say though, each to their own.

[Sam Spade]

Well, forums are about opinions and "figure it out for yourself" doesn't seem like overly helpful advice (although perhaps most apt).

 

In my case (which is all I can really comment on), I really ended up hurting the girl who had real feelings for me while I was busying trying to figure out what my feelings were.

 

Sure, she knew where she stood, but ultimately it was a selfish thing to do to her. I got all of the benefits with none of the emotional risks or heart ache she had to deal with.

 

I regretted that. I'm simply passing on that experience. As you say though, each to their own.

 

Of course - other's experiences (and interpretations) is what's helpful to use as a raw material in figuring yourself out, and that's what I meant; not to be confused with 'rules'/judgmentalistm that often show up...

As far as your specific situation is concerned, it sounds similar to mine, except that I developed feelings for the girl in question, so that's why I'm saying that there is nothing inherently wrong in figuring yourse;f (out as long as you reach a conclusion in a reasonable time and don't drag things along just out of convenience etc.)