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emotionally abusive relationship?! !


DinoFace

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this is going to be a very long story, very short.

so, me and my boyfriend have been having some problems lately, but i thought we'd get through them..

but today we were both upset and sad and stuff.. and i finally just got everything off my chest.. which usually is hard because i find that my problems dont usually get fixed.. or they cause more problems. so i got everything off my chest and it was so hard and i was crying and crying

ANYWAYS

he broke down saying how horrible he is to me.. and he knows i'm right about all of what i was saying.. and he's so sorry that he treats me like that and he won't keep denying it.. then he said he thought we were in an emotionally abusive relationship! and i was like "you mean im abusive?!" and hes like "no.. me" and i just didnt see it.. or think about it ever or anything.. and he would say something and he told me "you don't have to be scared if you want to agree.. im not going to get mad.. i want you to be comfortable.. i want you to be happy" (he was crying the whole time btw) and he kept saying "i have problems, im mental.. i cant change it and im sorry"

and he keeps saying like how i could do so much better and be with someone successful and stuff and saying he's not going to go anywhere in life.. but i know he is.. i know he will.. WE will, we've talked about it before.. and we were made for each other.. and he still thinks i'm his one, but he's not my one.. even though i know he is..

and idk.. whether its an abusive relationship or not.. i dont want to leave him and i'm not going to.. idk.. im just so stuck..

we got off the phone so i could have some time to think.. but i dont want to leave him, i know i dont. and im so sure we can get through this.. but idk what to do someone please help

 

sorry its so long i tried to keep it as short as possible

and sorry about any typos and such i'm just in a hurry typing this.. i need help and soon.. D:

oh, and i will be on this.. so any questions for more details or anything and i'll answer them right away (:

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paddington bear

you have to post some details about what specifically he says or does if you want the answer to whether you're in an emotionally abusive relationship. Does he control you? Get angry with you at the drop of a hat? Is he nice to you most of the time but then get regularly angry, so that you spend your time when he's not angry dreading his next outburst?

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i read a huge list on a website.. these are the things (copied and pasted):

 

[FONT=arial, verdana]Is your mate irritated, upset, or angry with you often, sometimes several times a week or more? Are they upset with you even though you had no intention of upsetting them? Are you often times surprised by their anger or sudden outburst? Is their anger directed at 'you' or something they say 'you' did or didn't do? Does he deny to you his being angry or upset? Do you find yourself questioning everything you do as you do it, lest it angers him? [/FONT]

 

[FONT=arial, verdana]Do you feel that the issues that arise are never resolved? Do you feel uneasy, unhappy, depressed, or edgy because of these unresolved issues? (my issues.. his usually get resolved.. mine do sometimes)

 

[/FONT][FONT=arial, verdana]Does he frequently misunderstand your intentions? Do you end up feeling perplexed and frustrated at his misconstruing your every action?

 

[/FONT][FONT=arial, verdana]Do you sometimes feel like there is something wrong with 'you'? Do you sometimes feel bad and can't figure out why? [/FONT][FONT=arial, verdana]

 

Does your mate get angry if you approach him to discuss an issue? Do you bite your tongue and hold things in? [/FONT]

 

[FONT=arial, verdana]Does he quickly and easily admit when he's wrong? Can he apologize for his own behaviors? Does he make excuses for his behavior and blame it on someone or something else? Does he point the finger at you and make you feel like you are the reason for his upsets or to fault for his mistakes? (this is only about half the time or less)

 

so it's not so bad.. it's not ALWAYS either.. it's just like when i have a concern or problem or issue i bring up.., or when we fight or something.. or when i bring something up then it turns into a fight.. D:

 

 

[/FONT][FONT=arial, verdana]

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DF,

One way to go about it is to accept at face value what he believes about himself. Encourage him to consult with his family doctor about his emotional/mental problems (he may be calling them "mental problems" when they are, in fact, "emotional" ones.) Suggest to him the truth: that there most likely is a therapy or combination of therapies that CAN help him feel better, and behave better if he feels badly about his behaviour.

 

If you really do feel that you want to remain in a love relationship with him, and support him through whatever he is dealing with, assure and reassure him of your love, care and concern. But let him know that part of your commitment to him is that he must seek professional help and commit to whatever health and healing strategies are suggested. If you don't set a boundary along these lines, it can deplete and exhaust you without things ever actually improving.

 

At some point, you may want to go to a doctor's or therapist's meeting with him, with the goal of learning how you can best support him and, equally importantly, how you can take proper care of your own emotional, mental and physical needs...instead of just losing yourself to his problems and healing process.

 

Best of luck to both of you.

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thanks for the answer...

anyone else who answers, i thought i might add these details up:

 

theres so many great things about him i love.. and i dont want to leave him and i cant.. its not even that bad.. really. i never even though of it till he brought it up.. and i still dont know if i think it or not.. leaning more towards the no side. :/

i want to help with him.. where can i get him help?

if i stay with him.. and get him help..

 

i can't be friends with him if we break up.. it will be and feel so wrong.. and i won't be able to be in a relationship again with anyone but him..

i gave him my body.. in every way.. and he did for me.. and we both take that veryvery seriously. it's a big thing for both of us, me especially..

i can't break up with him..

because i know a lot of people will suggest that. ):

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