Help! He's "too nice" for me.........

[WuNdErBuG]

Looking back, my past relationships pretty much always ended up with me dating a guy who "seemed" really nice and sincere and genuine in the beginning, but as time passed, they were pretty much all "bad guys"..in the sense that they either: were caught lying about things, didn't treat me with respect, cheated, misrepresented themselves/what they really wanted, etc. I guess all of them had a bit of an 'edge'....not your stereotypical "bad boy"....but guys who were overly charming in the beginning (so much so that at times you questioned the sincerity/motivation) but ended up be phoney baloneys.

 

I've recently met what seems to be a really nice guy. He's very successful and hard working, very humble (but the right amount of confidence), a great sense of humor and he's likely the most "gentlemanly" guy I've ever dated. His niceness is very sincere, it just seems to be "the kind of guy he is, deep down"....versus some guy who's being nice only because he wants sex or that kind of thing.

 

He's a little shorter than me (well, I'm 5;8 and he's 5'7)....it feels a little awkward, almost makes me feel like the man cuz I'm taller, you know?

 

There's not a whole lot of physical chemistry there, yet....well, on my part (me feeling physically attracted to him). This concerns me a little bit but the common sense side of me says I should just spend more time getting to know him, that good guys are hard to find and that a real intense attraction doesn't *have* to be there from the beginning..that it can develop over time, as you get to really know the person. Do you think?

 

We've been out a few times now, and I just can't bring myself to kiss him goodnight, we just hug. It's not that I'm prudish, but I am a little shy and I feel that if I were to kiss him goodnight, that's suddenly going to 'change things'..sort of like take it to a higher level, if you know what I mean. Right now, I'm just enjoying getting to know each other.....without any 'physical stuff' (kissing, etc) getting in the way. I want to take things slowly...but I'm not sure how long a guy is going to wait to kiss. Will he think I'm just not attracted to him? I don't really want to start a big deep discussion about it......but maybe he thinks I'm not all that interested?

 

He's so thoughtful, just little things....but it's almost like he's too nice....not in a phoney way, but it's like I"m not used to having someone be so sincerely nice, it almost feels like there's no challenge there. There would have been a time in the past that I would have just written the guy off by now, because he's too nice and because there's really not a lot of attraction there (he's not ugly or anything).....but as I get older and learn that looks and such aren't what's most important (personality, a person's heart, work ethic, morals, etc), that part of me is telling me to stick this out and just continue getting to know him. Does this sound silly to you? Does it sound like I'm possibly just leading him on?

 

I think in the past, when I met someone I clicked with, we both "fell" too fast for each other.......things moved so quickly. That's not happening with this guy..and I"m not sure if it's because I subconsciously realize that taking it slow and getting to know each other as friends first is the way to go, or is it because there's not enough attraction there, and this is all a waste of time and that maybe I just can't be attracted to such a nice guy?

 

How does a woman get over the "aversion to nice guys" thing? Heck, this is the first guy I've dated in a long time that took me out for dinner and didn't make me feel badly that he was spending money on me. See, it doesn't take much at all to make me happy. Maybe part of me feels I don't deserve this? Just a tiny part, any way.

 

Nice guys are so hard to find......I don't want to do something rash and dump him, just because things feel a little strange.....I want to give it a chance....but how long do you give it?

 

Should I explain to him that I just want to take things slowly and focus more on becoming very good friends first, without the pressure of the whole "serious relationship" thing confusing things....or should I just say nothing and see how it goes?

 

It just feels weird to date someone and not have that nervous urge to want to kiss them goodnight, at the end of the date. Is that a big warning sign that this is all pointless?

 

I think that part of me feels that once you kiss, then things have moved to a much closer level, and that before long, the whole sex thing is next (or the guy would expect it).....and for once, I want to just take things very slowly. For once, I'd really like to become best friends (or at least, very very good friends) with a guy, and THEN have it progress to 'lovers'....versus things moving so quickly and jumping into bed before you both really know the other person.

 

What do you think? Has anyone here ever been in this situation? Did you just give it time for your feelings to develop (attraction, etc) or did you just throw in the towel?

 

Thank you for reading.

[bunnybop]

Whenever I go out with a 'potential' bf, I usually imagine them naked.

 

If I laugh, or go urghh I know its never going to work.

 

If I go hmm...or mmm, I know I'm on the right track-for at least one aspect.

 

Relationships need a bit of everything. There has to be some attraction. It might not be all looks, it might be their eyes, the way someone smiles or laughs or talks. But there has to be a 'click'.

 

After all, you will be unwrapping them at some point. Don't be so hard on yourself.

[The Truth]

Dear wunderbug,

As I read your post I couldn't help but laugh. You see, it appears that you believe so negatively in your own ability's to evaluate love and relationship quandary's that you didn't even realize you were answering your own questions. You (whether you choose to believe it or not) have done a first rate job at dissecting the situation, and have exceeded in effectively accessing it. The only thing I feel I can offer you is a repeat of what was already said (in your post:))...You already understand that since your used to being w/jerks who've shown through many means that they are insincere, unreliable, immature etc...you have diluted yourself into believing that these are the only men out there, and you aren't good enough to expect more... So know you've been confronted w/this fine gentleman who appears to be that 'special' kinda guy. He as managed to position himself into a prime candidate role, and although the attraction isn't has high as you have come to expect you already realize that this is minuscule in the grand scheme of things, and that with time & patience, your love and attraction WILL heighten. Now that we've summed up the great advice you've (subconsciously) given yourself, you need to continue with your same methodology (of thinking). Continue to take things slow, anyone who knows anything will tell you that some of the greatest love stories ever told were formed by those who were patient and started out as friends first...

In closing... keep your head up, know that your on the right track, and have greater faith in your own decision making ability (even though I understand sometimes you need to hear it from someone else in order to truly believe yourself).

 

Be strong, be brave

good luck

-The Truth

[quankanne]

it seems to me that you're overly worrying about what could end up to be a genuine friendship that may or may not end up in something more. Enjoy his friendship and just take things slowly. Maybe you two will fall in love, maybe you won't, but either ways, you end up with a friend, and that can be something good.

[wUnDeRbUg]

First to Quankanne, while it's still fresh in my mind...yes, it may seem like I'm overworrying and overanalyzing but I feel that in fairness to him, I need to. He's been pretty clear (tho hasn't shoved it in my face) that he's looking for someone to have a serious, long-term relationship with...not just a "good friend"....so maybe I feel a little pressured to figure out where this feels like it's going for me, so that if I realize I'm just not "into it" (in terms of a relationship), that i let him know, so as not to waste his time.

 

It's obvious that he's very interested, and I guess I feel a little bad or uncomfortable that I'm not feeling the same, or to that degree. Example: we'd spoken on Saturday night that we'd maybe get together on Sunday, to do some shopping (I had wanted to go to a gardening store to get some bedding plants, etc). It was nothing definite planned. When Sunday arrived, I would have been content to just stay home and do my own thing (or do my shopping on my own)...but I could tell that he really wanted to get together and do this stuff (for me) so I agreed we would, and we did. In the past if I'd met someone I was starting to "see", I'd be so excited to spend time with them on the weekend...there'd be a nervous anticipation and excitement...not me having to talk myself into wanting to. So is this need to have to coax myself into wanting to get together with him simply because I'm subconsciously not wanting to rush things..or is it that subconsciously, I'm really not interested? This is the dilemma.

 

From our discussions on relationships in general, he's voiced a fair bit of disappointment in most of his past relationships....and I can tell he's frustrated (maybe moreso than me) with not being able to find someone he really clicks with/someone he can have a good, healthy relationship with. So maybe I'm feeling a little pressured here, not to disappoint?

 

He's phoned twice today, I've been busy doing things around the house and such.....and I've yet to call him back. I'm betting that he wants to get together.....and if I don't return his call, then he can't ask, and then I won't be put into the situation where I have to decide (or feel obligated to do something I don't want to do). This isn't like me. I can't really remember a time where I met a guy and didn't want to get together....I never had to talk myself into it. I couldn't wait !

 

So what are these feelings telling me? That there's just not going to be "enough there" for me to ever feel differently, and this is my red flag to that......or is it that I should just stick it out and see how I feel, a week or two from now? (but what if I am leading him on?)

 

It's just that these feelings, and the 'lack of substantial attraction' are all knew to me......and it all feels uncomfortable......and if it was just 'me' in the equation, I'd just go with the flow and not worry......but he's in the picture, too...and I surely don't want to waste his time or lead him on or hurt him.

 

As for as his niceness/gentleman-ness goes....it's sort of weird to me and feels awkward. Part of it could be due to the fact that I'm used to dating schmucks....but an equally large part could be that I'm just a very independent person and having someone be so thoughtful and catering, it almost makes me feel like they think I'm weak and fragile.....and that kind of bothers me.

 

For example.....when we were out yesterday at the bedding plant/garden center place.....we ended up needing a cart for the plants i was buying. He quickly offered to walk a fair distance to get me one. Then he was the one to push the cart all over the place. I felt like some old married couple where the hubby is the "head of the house" and the woman is the fragile little sidekick, who shouldn't do something manly like push a cart. It especially felt odd, considering we haven't known each other all that long. I know he meant nothing by these things, it's just him.....he's just a nice guy who likes to help.....and there are women out there who'd give their eye tooth for a thoughtful guy like that, but I guess I'm just so used to being independent and fending for myself that it makes me feel a little dependent; i don't like that feeling.

 

On our way home, he was thoughtful enough to ask if I needed anything from the store (milk, bread, etc).....how sweet....but it almost felt, again, like some old married couple.

 

He's offered to help me do many things around my home (it's the kind of work he does for a living, and does a great job at).....and i'm flattered that he's so generous and wanting to help me....but it feels strange, I suppose because no guy before would have done this..they were all mostly lazy as a post. Well, maybe this goes back to the "he's so nice and i'm not used to that".....

 

But I think for women who have a hard time with "nice guys", for them it's often because they feel they don't DESERVE a nice guy/being treated nicely.......for me, it's likely that on a subconscious level, but also, it goes back to that independence thing.....where I maybe feel that they think they need to help/rescue me, because they think they are stronger and "the man" and I am just the lil' woman who needs a man to survive.

 

Another example: last night we were watching a video. Since I moved into this home a couple months ago, I've never watched a video so had no idea that something wasn't wired right.....so we couldn't get the VCR to work. I've wired my stereo (receiver), TV and VCR for years (most guys I dated didn't have a clue what to do)..and I've never had any problems....but this time, something wasn't right. So he was figuring out what was wrong and fixing some of the connections, etc...and he laughed and told me that I had a lot of stuff mixed up. I didn't show it, but that pissed me off.....sort of like he was laughing cause I'm a "girl" and how expected it is, for a "girl" not to know how to deal with electronics. I found myself continuing to assure him that up until this occasion, I'd always had things working fine...and that I must have just been tired when I connected it all a couple months ago.........I found myself trying to reassure him that I wasn't some "dumb girl" and I resented that. So of course, he fixed it all (after 30 minutes)....and likely felt very proud of himself, that he could ......and I guess it bothered me. Does anyone know what I mean here?

 

Sorry this is long. Guess it just helps to get this all off my chest, whether anyone reads it or not. I'm sure most of makes little sense.

[Stuck]

Well, I read the whole thing. I enjoyed it.

 

You are just looking for that level of attraction and excitement that you feel when you are with a guy who you're not entirely certain of - does he like me or doesn't he? I think it's largely the guy's fault that you're not feeling that way. He's putting himself out there too soon, and you don't have to do any work. It's not that you're attracted to jerks or creeps, but this guy is making it too easy for you.

 

There's nothing wrong with pulling back at the beginning of the relationship and making the other person want you. Look, I bet you're pulling back an awful lot, and he's LOVING it. He's totally attracted to you. And you've probably made him nervous enough that he's now too shy to kiss you. He's a bit of a "wuss" (for lack of a better word), which makes him a great guy in the long run, but you're missing that edgy attraction. To make you more attracted to him, he's being even nicer to you, which you're starting to find annoying because you don't feel you've earned it.

 

Tell the guy in a straightforward way, I like you, and I like getting to know you, but I need some space. I did this once (EXACTLY the same situation), and I didn't hear anything from him for three days - and I felt that nervous anticipation thinking, "Oh my gosh, now what have I done? He was the greatest thing I'd met in a long time." Then when he finally did call, and we met up, I did have that feeling of excitement and anticipation.

 

Try it. Let him know where he stands, but make it clear you need some time alone.

[quankanne]

Thanks for explaining it again for me, Mondays really screw up my thought processes.

 

Reading over your posts, I think maybe you know deep down that at this time, all this guy can be is friend material. Stuck has a point, though -- because he's being really nice by doing all these things to help you, he's trying too hard. Maybe "the talk" will set things clear -- that you enjoy his friendship but you don't see him as dating material, yadda yadda. Hopefully, he'll see that it's much better to have a good friend in hand than to completely squander away a relationship by pursuing something that just doesn't exist.

 

Good luck!

[questionaire]

WuNdErBuG

 

being nice with you is not his or everybody's responsiblity.

 

if you question his "nice", the problem is not within him but within you.

 

being too nice with somebody can cause a lot of trouble but HEY

 

if he is not nice with you, he is a bad guy heh?

 

LET ME SAY THIS

 

if you are suspicious of his kindness and warm heart, tell him that you want to be friend with him

 

 

REMEMBER THIS

 

everybody is different. If your EX BOYFRIEND didn't treat you right, that doesn't mean that this guy will not treat you right

 

 

USE YOUR HEAD and not to TRUST your EMOTION

 

IMPORTANT thing you need to UNDERSTAND

 

YOU ARE THE ONE WHO MAKES THE DECISION ABOUT DATING THAT GUY NOT EVERYBODY HERE

 

YOU CAN ASK US A LOT OF QUESTIONS BUT WE ARE NOT THE ONE WHO ARE WITH HIM ALL THE TIME.

 

YOU ARE!!!!!!!!

 

SOON OR LATER, YOU WILL HAVE TO MAKE THE DECISION FOR YOURSELF

 

AND DON'T FORGET THIS

 

THERE IS ALWAYS CONSEQUENCE FOR EVERY ACTION WE TAKE WHETHER WE TAKE IT LIGHTLY OR SERIOUSLY.

[wunderbug]

You obviously missed the point of my entire post(s) here. It's a no-brainer that I am ultimately the one who has to make the decision. That goes for everyone who posts on forums like these...but sometimes people seek the insight and input of others, if they're having a little trouble being unbiased and objective.

 

Hopefully this reply to you wasn't too "long or wordy."

[questionaire]

Originally posted by wunderbug

You obviously missed the point of my entire post(s) here. It's a no-brainer that I am ultimately the one who has to make the decision. That goes for everyone who posts on forums like these...but sometimes people seek the insight and input of others, if they're having a little trouble being unbiased and objective.

 

Hopefully this reply to you wasn't too "long or wordy."

 

you did an excellence job this time. Concise . very good. it's easy to understand that way

 

you still remember "long and wordy"??? don't have to remember it long. You know

 

[JustaGuy]

Ok, here's what's happening, I think, from a different angle. I remember hearing on a radio talk show an analysis of "the nice guy." The problem with the "nice guy" is that although a guy might be "nice," a "nice guy" is just an actor. Someone trying to be something, like a character. And because they are trying so hard to be this character, you never really get to know what's inside them, what makes them tick, and who they really are. That's not to say he isn't really nice, just that he's wearing it as a sort of hard shell candy coating that makes it hard to see what's underneath.

 

The guy is just trying too hard. And it's creating this thick veneer that is keeping you from getting to know him.

 

I'm sure he has good intentions--he probably is quite smitten with you and wants to do everything right.

 

He'll figure it all out one day (we all do...) but sad to say, it probably won't work out with the two of you. He may really be a nice guy underneath it all, but it will take some time for him to give up the pretense and learn to be himself. In the meantime, it may drive you crazy, and he'll be frustrated, too.

 

Here's an idea though. Why don't you do both of yourselves a favor. Why don't you sit him down, and gently, kindly, and with compassion tell him that you feel he is trying too hard, and that this makes it hard for others to feel connected to him. By telling him this, you can get it out in the open, and maybe (just maybe) he will try being himself for once (and then you might like what you finally get to see) If not, you've given him a clue that maybe one day he will pick up on and use to better himself.

 

But the bottom line is--being a nice is normal, but being a "nice guy" is more often than not, some well-intended acting. People don't fall in love with actors, they fall in love with people.

 

Good luck.