Poor hygiene - is this a common "guy thing"?

[moonshadow]

My ex and I spent the day together. Why he's an ex is a total whole other post (volume)....anyway....I've often found myself wondering if it's common for men to have such poor bathroom hygiene? read on.....

 

My ex is 37. The year that we were together (we've been apart for this past year), I came to learn that he doesn't wash his hands after (sorry, I know it's gross but I don't know any other way to explain it) taking a dump. I let it go unsaid for quite a while (though cringed inside) but finally had to say something, and I found myself always ensuring he had liquid handsoap in his bathrooms (yes, I'd even go out and buy it for him). I used to be disgusted when we'd be sitting on the couch in his living room, he'd use the half-bathroom downstairs (right by the living room) and he'd be in there taking a dump, then would come out and not wash his hands. It got to the point, for my own health and sanity, that I'd have to ask him like a child "Did you wash your hands?" or "go wash your hands!". He's roll his eyes and tell me I was a germaphobe and ask me what was the big deal; that it's not like he "gets it on his hands when wiping." (ugh, sorry).

 

I can remember times we'd go camping together and he'd use the stinky gross outhouse in the campground and he'd come back to the campsite and not wash his hands, and then start preparing us a meal. I then had to actually be sitting there outside the trailer waiting for him to return from the outhouse, with antibacterial hand-wash in hand and make him use it. He'd just roll his eyes and making me feel like I was being a nag...but come on, he was touching our burgers and food to prepare it, I really don't want E Coli, thanks.

 

Well anyway today at his house, he didn't even have toilet paper in his half-bathroom downstairs. He made sure to tell me that if I needed toilet paper, to let him know and he'd get a box of kleenex from upstairs because he was out of arse-wipe. I had stepped into the bathroom just to check my hair at one point; noticed there was no handsoap to be found, not even a towel to dry your hands.

 

Later in the day he takes a dump. Obviously he didn't wash his hands (he came out of the bathroom immediately after flushing, didn't (as usual) even hear water running from the tap, he didn't even wash his hands without water. He knew I'd ask him (like I always did) if he washed his hands upon coming out of the bathroom.........so he walks out, shakes his hands at me, laughing....making it known he didn't wash them. I tell him 'that's gross' and he says "oh come on, it's not like I get anything on my hands."

 

An hour later, after drinking a bit too much coffee, I asked him "so you have NO toilet paper or kleenex in your bathroom down here?" and he went on about how he didn't, he's been busy lately and didn't have time to get to the store. I nearly lost my lunch. So not only did he take a dump and not wash his hands, but he didn't even wipe his ass. By the way, this is a guy who goes commando; doesn't wear undies.

 

I didn't even want to touch him or for him to touch me. I remember that as soon as he came out of the bathroom, he went into the kitchen and heated up a piece of pizza in the microwave. Ugh.

 

I didn't say anything. finally I left. I was so grossed out. I couldn't get home to wash my hands fast enough. He is such a slob.

 

He is a very stubborn individual and he'll be the first to admit it. If you tell him to do something, he'll get his back up and purposely NOT do it, just to get your goat or show he's in control and "can't be changed."

 

I am an RN, by the way........and no, I'm not a germaphobe but I did learn as a small child to wash my freaking hands after using the washroom (even if just peeing for crying out loud)....and to me it's just basic hygiene/common sense.

 

How can a grown man be so gross?

 

This is obviously something about him that will never change. It just disgusts me; because he should know better (his mom is an RN, too, and I'm sure she taught him growing up to wash his hands?)......and also because he knows it grosses me out.

 

Is this just a common guy thing?

 

I've explained to him before, ages ago, why it's important to wash your hands after taking a dump; that failing to do so can cause the spread of E Coli, Hepatitis A (obviously only if the person is infected), etc.

 

I would be humiliated and totally embarassed if a partner pointed out something I did or didn't do that was gross. He just doesn't care. He was very complacent in our relationship in general (lazy, no effort, never did anything to "show me" he loved me)......so maybe that's just part of his personality, or his arrogance.

 

Thoughts?

 

Thx

[loveandconfusion]

he's just straight up gross & this is why he's 37 & single

[Tomcat33]

he's just straight up gross & this is why he's 37 & single

 

 

I second that and simply could not put it better myself.

That is absolutely revolting.

 

How did you manage to stay with him after knowing that?

 

And no it is not a common thing, not that I know of at least...

[johan]

Well, it's funny to me, because I'm not involved. But most guys I know wash their hands when using the restroom. Probably 10% don't. I occasionally run across one who doesn't even after going #2, but that's rare.

 

I find it pretty repulsive if they don't. And childish. How a guy could go without wiping, I have no idea.

[Star Gazer]

Um, I'd actually say it's VERY common for people - men AND women - not to wash their hands. There are plenty of times when I see women exit bathroom stalls and just leave. I've even waited for both an old colleague and an old boss to use the restroom (a single-stall/room type bathroom), and realized they BOTH didn't wash their hands (I heard the toilet flush, but the sink didn't turn on, and they immediately exited).

 

I don't understand it, but it IS common...me thinks.

 

The not wiping thing though... My lord!

[johan]

Um, I'd actually say it's VERY common for people - men AND women - not to wash their hands.

 

You sound a little defensive.

[Star Gazer]

You sound a little defensive.

 

Huh? Not at all.

[Gremio]

It's very rare. I have never heard anyone do anything close to what your ex does moonshadow. He is a disgusting, sick person.

 

BTW, I'm a mid 20s male.

[Fierce Grace]

I think its gross but more common than ppl realize.. I'm a certified ppl watcher ..lol...next time ur in a public restroom just take notice of how many women stop and check their hair and exit without washing their hands.. insane i tell u insane

 

but guys i don't know but i've known a couple untidy guys.. i don't find a lot but i've met a couple that have grossed me out and we stopped dating soon there after i think it just says something about their ability to/interest in keeping u...how does he impress u.... be it showering or brushing teeth or washing hands or even tidying up before u come around ..... accepting that behavior means ur not expecting anything better...

[Star Gazer]

It's very rare.

 

Oh really?

http://www.cnn.com/2007/HEALTH/09/17/dirty.hands.ap/index.html

http://www.nytimes.com/2005/09/27/health/27wash.html

 

Like Fierce, I'm a people watcher. Just last week at an NBA game I used the ladies' twice. There's two long, long rows of stalls, but only about 6 sinks. I cannot tell you how many women I observed during those two visits coming out of their stall only to walk straight past me as I washed my hands at the sink - but still fixed their hair and applied LIP GLOSS!!! It's insane, but it happens!

 

And it's my understanding that more men are guilty of this than women, as the studies above suggests.

[Nemo]

The world is full of bacteria, and many of the good ones like to hang out in skid marks. A little smudge of chocolate sauce never hurt nobody.

[Star Gazer]

The world is full of bacteria, and many of the good ones like to hang out in skid marks. A little smudge of chocolate sauce never hurt nobody.

 

I just recently learned what causes pink eye from a friend who teaches kingergarten.

[Star Gazer]

http://www.biology-online.org/articles/30_percent_travelers_wash.html

http://www.encyclopedia.com/doc/1P2-15451680.html

[Nemo]

This guy sounds very healthy, because he has a healthy immune system. Many common problems today could be eliminated if we get back to nature. Just wipe with your "other" hand.

[Tomcat33]

That's funny look at where they conduct one of the studies in that article

 

Atlanta's Turner Field baseball stadium again was the worst. Only 57 percent of guys there washed up, compared to 95 percent of women.

 

As if a guy at a sporting event of any sort is not super rushed back to get back to the game and at all costs to avoid missing a good play. Does that mean he does this all the time or he is just rushed that one time?

 

Anyway I am sure they are out there, pedophiles are out there, it's still not common.

[moonshadow]

 

but guys i don't know but i've known a couple untidy guys.. i don't find a lot but i've met a couple that have grossed me out and we stopped dating soon there after i think it just says something about their ability to/interest in keeping u...how does he impress u.... be it showering or brushing teeth or washing hands or even tidying up before u come around ..... accepting that behavior means ur not expecting anything better... so i think its time for a real serious talk if u plan on sticking around.. but not the talk about hygiene from the RN position ...the talk about how his lack there of is affecting ur relationship

 

It was only in the very beginning of our relationship that he tried to impress me. Once he got comfortable in the relationship, the complacency began......to the point where I often questioned whether he really loved me. I was a giver and he was a taker. It got to the point where I had to ask him for a kiss; he'd never just give me one, or give me hug. So many times I felt like I was just his buddy, if you know what I mean?.........as opposed to being the woman he was deeply in love with.

 

He's good about general hygiene; showering and brushing his teeth...........in fact, he's so weird about brushing his teeth that he rarely likes to kiss unless he's just brush them (we're both smokers, and we both chew a lot of gum and brush often.......but unless he's just brushed, I'd be lucky to get a peck on the lips and him commenting that he has "yuck breath").

 

He was just the king of complacency. Part of it, I think, was just an over-inflated opinion of himself; the mindset that he's just so great and such a catch that I should be happy to have someone as great as him so why should he even have to try?

 

the other part, particularly with the handwashing thing.............I think it's part laziness and part stubbornness. and immaturity. when he came out of the washroom today and made a point of coming over to me and waving his hands toward me, he was sort of mocking me..........like "see? i didn't wash my hand like you'd have wanted me to" - just like a little rebellious child or one who's trying to see how far he can push his mommy's buttons.

 

I think in some ways too, he just never really gave a sh*t (pardon the pun) for how I felt about things anyway; anything that was important to me was of no concern to him and he would make that well known. So i think this whole issue goes a lot deeper. I think it's also about a deep-seated disrespect for me and what matters to me. I think it's also a 'control' thing with him................for him to do something (or not do something) I think he shouldn't do (or should do), it's his way of sticking it to me, that he's in control.

 

Maybe that just goes with his overall narcissistic personality. I think it's also related to just an overall lack of respect for me and my needs/feelings....none of that is important to him.

 

I think he's just really childish, too.

[Tomcat33]

This guy sounds very healthy, because he has a healthy immune system.

 

WTF!?!? :lmao::lmao::lmao:

[Storyrider]

I was a giver and he was a taker.

 

 

just like a little rebellious child or one who's trying to see how far he can push his mommy's buttons.

 

How did your personality play into this dynamic? It takes two.

[moonshadow]

How did your personality play into this dynamic? It takes two.

 

That's a good question, I'm really not sure. At the risk of sounding conceited (and I truly don't mean to), I think he resented me and was intimidated by me. His previous exes didn't have all that much going for them, were rather ditzy, didn't have solid careers, came from rich parents who doled out lots of money to them even as adults which resulted in them being very spoiled and "princess-like" and not a lot of common sense. I gather that they really relied on him a lot to help them survive and he could dazzle them with his knowledge and expertise whereas I've been on my own since age 20, have worked hard to put myself through university and to develop a stable career, am very self-reliant, am mechanically inclined (can fix just about anything as opposed to needing "a man to fix something")........and I think he resented the fact that I was as successful as him, that I could fend for myself and wasn't the helpless female that he'd previously been with. It's hard to explain it without sounding like I'm full of myself. He used to take every possible opportunity to put me down......lots of sarcastic digs, put-downs, but always "said in humour" and that I just needed to lighten up (I have a great sense of humour, truly). He trivialized everything I did. He put me down as a nurse, saying I was "overpaid" (he was jealous and resentful that as a woman, I made as much if not more than he did). I think deep down he was a descendent of Archie Bunker and he was looking for his Edith and that's not me.

 

He was very very competitive with me. Everything I did, he would brag how he'd do it better/faster/smarter/etc. I could make a nice meal and he'd be quick to tell me how he could have made it better. I cooked a lot of great meals for him but he'd still say smart things to me (he did today); about how my idea of cooking is to order in or boil water (which is so untrue). He comes from a very competitive family. I think he's not used to having a woman that is an equal in so many ways. And that bugs him and his being 'bugged' manifests itself by him doing things to push my buttons. He truly thrived on pushing my buttons. Often saying very nasty things to me but with a sly smirk on his face......knowing full well that I'm a sensitive person about some things, particularly on the topics he'd try to push my buttons on the most. He's pretty spiteful and vindictive and has a mean-streak and I think it might even relate back to an underlying disrespect for women in general.........maybe even going back to his relationship with his Mom. Although he'd defend her to the end, he's very disrespectful to her (and his 90 yr old grandma)...i've never heard a man talk so rudely. His entire family talks this way, very sarcastic, very competitive, very rude.........definitely not like I was raised (particularly to respect my elders).

 

It's very complex.

 

I am a nurturer and a giver and I genuinely care about the wellbeing of people I love (boyfriend, family, good friends). I would do anything for somoene I loved. I would put their needs before mine if it was needed, without even thinking twice. But with him that became the expectation. He used to hold over my head, basically the attitude of "if you ever expect me to want to marry you, you're going to have to PROVE to me that you're wife material" which meant you better show me you're a good cook, maid, cleaner, laundry-doer, etc. Which was silly because I have my own home and if you walked in the door you'd see I can run a household.

 

It's all so complex.

[zenith]

Um, I'd actually say it's VERY common for people - men AND women - not to wash their hands.

you go that right, bro

[Nemo]

I think a lot of medical problems can be traced back to being too clean. Without exposing ourselves to nature, and "priming" our immune systems to cope with the bacterial flora which abounds on the social trail, we risk putting ourselves in a "bubble" - leaving us prone to succumb to even the weakest bug.

[flc]

While I always wash my hands I do think that while it may be gross it is probably not as harmful as people think. Urine is sterile and feces generally contains normal bacteria found all over the place. The problem is when you have an illness then you may have harmful bacteria in your urine or feces and pass this on without washing.

 

Now in general the sinks are not disinfected and if you wash your hands and then touch the sink to turn off the water you are just as likely to get infected as prior to washing. Then of course you have to get in/out of the bathroom and in most cases have to touch the door handles.

 

If you ever had microbiology class you probably had to go around and take cultures in public places. You can generally find Ecoli, Staph and Strep all over the place. The best defense is a healthy immune system.

[tincanman99]

Its not a guy thing. He is just disgusting. As a guy if I saw him doing this stuff I would say something. Its just nasty, really nasty. I have said stuff to people at work who dont wash their hands. Its a nasty habit.

 

That being said I dont touch the door handle on the way out of the mens room after washing my hands because of the people who dont. I use a paper towel and throw it away. I see other guys doing this so I know its not just me.

[roxy_1980]

As a public health microbiologist, I can certifiably say this:

 

Your EX is absolutely disgusting and is definitely spreading disease by not washing his hands.

 

There are more diseases that can be transmitted through the fecal-oral route than through the air. And yes, fecal-oral is what it sounds like. You touch the surface that he does, wipe your face and well, you can figure out the rest.

 

And urine is not sterile. It's only sterile in the bladder. It is infected as it passes through the urinary tract.

[carhill]

And close the lid (if the commode has a lid) before you flush (or the red eye flushes for you)....lots of crap sprayed around that way too.

 

I agree wholeheartedly with the microbiologist and I'm no mysophobe.

 

OP, IMO, what you're commenting on is a symptom of a deeper incompatibility.