Difference between jealousy and insecurity?

[delrey]

What is the difference between jealousy and insecurity? For some reason whenever my boyfriend talks to his ex-girlfriend I always watch, or tell him to not talk to her. (not in front of her) I don't think that I am jealous of her as both I and my boyfriend this she is disgusting, but I just can't stand the site or thought of the two together. Although my boyfriend tell me over and over that she is so ugly and he can't stand her, I still feel bad about myself when she talks to him. Which might I add she tries to talk to him whenever she can and is constantly complementing him on the way he looks or how nice his butt is! I don't know. I am trying to figure out if I am jealous. I know I am not jealous of her cause I would probably slit my throat if I was anything like her inside or out, but I can't stand when the are together. Any input would be appreciated. Thanks

[Tony T]

I find it sad that you must demean someone's physical appearance, which most often they can't help. You obviously do this to make yourself feel better but please find another way to do that.

 

I don't think you are either insecure or jealous, based on your post. It is simply an annoyance and an irritation to have some female, ex or not, calling and flirting with your boyfriend. You have a right to be annoyed because this simply isn't right.

 

But it has nothing to do with the ex-girlfriend. She is obviously insane, rude, inconsiderate and lacks morals and class. A lot of people are like that. It has all to do with your boyfriend taking these calls and staying on the line with her.

 

So the next time this happens, don't put this girl down. She's nuts and ugly and probably can't help either. But your boyfriend can easily tell her he will call the police if she continues to call...or he can just hang up on her. If he hangs up on her enough times, she will stop calling.

 

So put the blame where it clearly lies...with your boyfriend. If he didn't want to take her calls, he wouldn't.

 

P.S. One day when you're old and wrinkled, I hope for your sake people won't refer to you as ugly, old and wrinkled. That's pretty painful stuff.

[delrey]

People have different opinions of what is pretty, ugly, whatever. I happen to think she is disgusting. But I would never say it to her face or say it to someone who would repeat it to her just to hurt her feelings. Are you telling me Tony that you have never looked at a person and thought "wow that person is really not good looking" But then again someone else may look at that same person and think they are beautiful. Everyone is different.

[Tony T]

The definitions of good looking and ugly notwithstanding, did my answer to your question help you at all?

[midori]

Well, one thing that occurs to me is that, since she seems to be making inappropriate remarks to your boyfriend -- within your earshot no less -- she is trying to provoke this very reaction in you.

 

And she is succeeding.

 

Another thing that occurs to me is that your boyfriend doesn't seem to be discouraging her from talking to him, from complimenting him on his nice butt, etc. Why doesn't he tell her to lay off and cut out the innuendos?

 

A third thing that occurs to me is that your boyfriend is bad-mouthing a woman he was once romantically involved with. Which doesn't speak well of him. Of course I don't know the circumstances of their break-up, but he's not behaving graciously. In your shoes I'd be wondering what he'd say about me when/if we broke up. I'd be wondering other things too: If the break-up was instigated by her, and he's angry or hurt by her actions, why does he continue to associate with her? What does he hope to get out of it? He's moved on with you ... hasn't he? Or, if the break-up was instigated by him, why must he be so mean about her?

 

Regardless, this ought to stop since it's bothering you so much (and at least to some extent, with justification). The ex should not behave as she does with your boyfriend. She needs to respect his relationship with you. If she can't, or won't, then she's not truly a friend to him.

 

But the bigger point is that you shouldn't have to be the one trying to put a stop to all of this. Your boyfriend SHOUL be mortified when his awful ex makes suggestive remarks to him (in front of his girlfriend). Why isn't he doing something about it: either by having a word with her about her inappropriate conduct, or by eliminating her from his life altogether?

 

I think you're upset not just because of this girls' gauche behavior and transparent agenda, but because your boyfriend is clearly not thinking about the bad effect that his continued association with his ex has on his present relatinship. He's not thinking about your feelings. He's (willfully) blind to the fact that his ex has an obvious agenda. He's unaware of how it makes you feel when he talks to her-- why is that?

 

Sure, she's behaving badly. But my guess is that the person you're really upset with is your boyfriend. I know I would be.

[Angel]

Why do we question ourselves when we have a situation that is so obviously wrong? Your gut instinct is right! It is not correct that she try to flirt with your boyfriend---stop second guessing yourself. My rule of thumb: I am uncomfortable being around people the b/f has slept with or that I have slept with-----so I avoid it. I just don't go there! (sometimes you have to--when children are involved) BUT WHY SHOULD YOU HAVE TO PUT UP WITH THIS? To me, if he is not sensitive to how you feel about her (ugly or not) he won't be sensitive to you about other things. This is a deal breaker for me. Be good to yourself and sweetly demand what you need. If you stay with him after you voice your concern---and he doesn't stop----then stop complaining. If he loves you, and he knows that you'll walk if he continues ---he will stop. Don't be a bitch about it--just state your case sweetly. There are men that won't do this to you! (and you shouldn't do it either if it bothers him) Good luck!

The definitions of good looking and ugly notwithstanding, did my answer to your question help you at all?

[Angel]

BTW----men that do this will label you insecure. You are not insecure--you have a legitimate uncomfortable feeling. Trust yourself!

 

Why do we question ourselves when we have a situation that is so obviously wrong? Your gut instinct is right! It is not correct that she try to flirt with your boyfriend---stop second guessing yourself. My rule of thumb: I am uncomfortable being around people the b/f has slept with or that I have slept with-----so I avoid it. I just don't go there! (sometimes you have to--when children are involved) BUT WHY SHOULD YOU HAVE TO PUT UP WITH THIS? To me, if he is not sensitive to how you feel about her (ugly or not) he won't be sensitive to you about other things. This is a deal breaker for me. Be good to yourself and sweetly demand what you need. If you stay with him after you voice your concern---and he doesn't stop----then stop complaining. If he loves you, and he knows that you'll walk if he continues ---he will stop. Don't be a bitch about it--just state your case sweetly. There are men that won't do this to you! (and you shouldn't do it either if it bothers him) Good luck!

[bongo]

You're right. Everyone IS different so why don't you stop appearing so petty about your boyfriend's ex's looks. What does it even matter to you what she looks like? How is that any of your business anyway? Your revulsion with him talking to her seems to be based on the fact that you find her ugly. So if she was a supermodel would you feel differently? Seems like you're a little wacked.

 

And why are you so hateful toward her? Isn't HE the one who's in the relationship with YOU? If anyone deserves your wrath, it's your boyfriend. Why is he even continuing to have anything to do with his ex? Don't blame her, blame him. He's the one who's supposed to be loyal to you, not her be loyal to you. Get it?

 

And why are you so judgmental about her? How rude and petty of you to put her down here and call her disgusting and ugly. Maybe others say the same about you, did you ever think of that? Time to grow up and stop being so petty.

[BeenThere]

Men figure out, even at an early age, that the only way to make the new girlfriend comfortable with the old one is to say something negative about her. Particularly if the two are still on friendly terms. It's a smoke screen&and a lame one at that! Telling your new girlfriend that your ex lover (now turned platonic friend) is "ugly" or "has a fat butt" is almost patronizing since it does little to excuse his behavior. Afterall, unless she suffered from some horrible disfiguring accident since the break-up, there was obviously SOMETHING he found attractive about her. Otherwise, they would never have hooked up in the first place. And has your boyfriend ever told this girl how "ugly" he thinks she is? If he had, I'm sure she would not be as enthusiastic about continuing their friendship.

 

The best thing you can do for yourself is not to be fooled by his attempts to distract you from the REAL issue. Rather than joining him in his attack against this girl, call your boyfriend on his bluff. The next time he says something nasty about his friend, try taking her side for a change (as hard as it may be). Ask him if he was ever man enough to tell HER that, and watch how quickly he switches up his game plan!&haha

 

I think you've landed yourself a real loser here. But he's young and maybe one day he'll grow up. If not, better guys will come along. Meanwhile, learn how not to view ex-girlfriends as "competition". Rather consider them a good example of how you might be treated some day when you become the "ugly" ex.

What is the difference between jealousy and insecurity? For some reason whenever my boyfriend talks to his ex-girlfriend I always watch, or tell him to not talk to her. (not in front of her) I don't think that I am jealous of her as both I and my boyfriend this she is disgusting, but I just can't stand the site or thought of the two together. Although my boyfriend tell me over and over that she is so ugly and he can't stand her, I still feel bad about myself when she talks to him. Which might I add she tries to talk to him whenever she can and is constantly complementing him on the way he looks or how nice his butt is! I don't know. I am trying to figure out if I am jealous. I know I am not jealous of her cause I would probably slit my throat if I was anything like her inside or out, but I can't stand when the are together. Any input would be appreciated. Thanks

[Tony T]

Excellent slant on this and you are probably quite correct. There would be no real reason for him to cut down a lady physically who he was once attracted enough to to have a relationship.

 

So now that leaves the question about why he is entertaining her calls and not doing something about them.

[delrey]

Maybe you don't know some of the things that she has done to both me and my boyfriend. Perhaps if these things would have happend to you, you would feel differently. Also the only reason I stated anything about her looks was to figure out if it was jealousy or not. I found that since I do not find her attractive, how can I be jealous of her. I think she is an awful person! Does this mean I am jealous of her? If you read the enitire post you might have seen what it was I was trying to get out.

[delrey]

Well I guess one of the reasons my boyfriend talked badly about her was because of the way she treated him when they were together. Which was no very nice by any means. The thing about my boyfriend is that he can not be rude to any person. No matter how much they may have been rude to him. He believes that he should forgive everyone and just move on. And so when she talks to him or gives him inappropriate remarks he is unnable to tell her to shut up or whatever. I guess it's just the way he is. I find it kinda cool that he respects people in that sense except for when its her. I would like him to tell her to piss off. But he says he just can't be rude to people that its not in him. Ah I don't know.

[Clare]

Oh well, have you realise why is your boyfriend preferring to spend time with that ugly and awful girl (your version)over you? You have not come to term with the fact that is not the look that matter. But instead you keep trying to justify to the world that you look better.

 

Stop defending Delrey and start to grow up before you have to face the real facts.

Maybe you don't know some of the things that she has done to both me and my boyfriend. Perhaps if these things would have happend to you, you would feel differently. Also the only reason I stated anything about her looks was to figure out if it was jealousy or not. I found that since I do not find her attractive, how can I be jealous of her. I think she is an awful person! Does this mean I am jealous of her? If you read the enitire post you might have seen what it was I was trying to get out.