Garbo Posted September 24, 2008 Share Posted September 24, 2008 The guy I've been seeing for a little over a year never talks about a future together. We are both 38, I have no children, and have told him that I would like to be a mother someday. I've seen him with his kids, and to be honest, he could be dad of the year. He is the first guy I've ever been with that I have a desire to have children with. I recently told him this and asked him if he wants more children (he has 2 from a previous marriage). He said "probably". I didn't question it further, but as time does go by, and we don't talk about marriage or babies, I feel like he is leading me on. I brought up marriage, and told him that I was starting to feel really vulnerable to where being intimate without the same goals was a little scary to me. I told him I wanted to talk about our goals. He told me that he is committed to our relationship. Although I'm glad for that, I feel like I'm in limbo sometimes, and have to wonder if he's wasting my time just to have someone around. Does anyone have any opinions on my situation? Link to post Share on other sites
manugeorge Posted September 24, 2008 Share Posted September 24, 2008 You have to press him more for concrete answers. What does "I'm committed to our relationship" mean? You've been dating for more than a year, and you are no spring chickens either, people need to start opening their mouths to say what they mean and what they are thinking. When he gives you partial answers, ask him to clarify so you both fully understand each other. Link to post Share on other sites
Geishawhelk Posted September 24, 2008 Share Posted September 24, 2008 If he's not being forthcoming, or opening discussion, or even continuing discussion....I see a whuppin' great big red flag here..... Link to post Share on other sites
westrock Posted September 24, 2008 Share Posted September 24, 2008 asked him if he wants more children (he has 2 from a previous marriage). He said "probably". I didn't question it further His answer is not good enough after being together with you for over a year. At his age he needs to be able to make decisions about where the relationship is going. You need to question him further what he means. Tell him that at 38 you do not have time to waste. He told me that he is committed to our relationship. Ask him what "committed to our relationship" means to him. Be prepared to tell him what it means to you and that includes "marriage and babies" and at 38 you can't wait for years and also tell him that it definitely means way more than a "probably" on the having children issue. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Garbo Posted September 24, 2008 Author Share Posted September 24, 2008 manugeorge, I agree with you, and that's what I feel...like we are no spring chickens. Believe me, time is a crucial thing to me right now. I don't feel like playing around anymore. I feel like he is a dedicated "boyfriend", faithful, and all that, but it just seems wierd to continue without talking about moving forward. I have told him that I feel I don't have a lot of time and don't want us to waste each other's time. I feel like I have to drag information out of him. And I lose energy and then just leave the topic alone. I think we will need to have another talk because I need answers. Thanks for your post. garbo Link to post Share on other sites
superd Posted September 24, 2008 Share Posted September 24, 2008 I just recently met a 38 year old women but it didn't work out (i am 33). I agree with manugeorge that you are no spring chickens but that doesn't mean that you have some more time to make some concrete decisions. Stop worrying about the future and live day by day. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Garbo Posted September 24, 2008 Author Share Posted September 24, 2008 superd, Living day by day without knowing the other person's goals in life seems like a waste of everyone's time. It is a fact that every year after the age of 35, a woman's chance of having a child with Down's syndrome increases. I love the thought of living day by day with someone who has the same goals as I do, who wants the marriage and family thing. Link to post Share on other sites
superd Posted September 24, 2008 Share Posted September 24, 2008 I can't force you to do what I am saying. Its just helpful advice from someone who's been there. Take it for what you will. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Garbo Posted September 24, 2008 Author Share Posted September 24, 2008 superd, First, you are a man and I think this makes a difference because basically you can have kids until you are 100 years old. Second, let's say I follow your advice and don't worry and live day by day without considering tomorrow, without considering how my future goes. So we date for 3 years and my boyfriend still has not mentioned kids or marriage. We haven't talked about it, and when I finally bring it up and say I'm ready, he tells me he doesn't want marriage or kids. Then what? I've wasted my time and his really. Do you think this is fair to him or me? You have to take some control of your future...it doesn't mean you are worried about it, but if one takes on the "live day by day" attitude, how do they ever get the things they want in life? Hmmm... Link to post Share on other sites
superd Posted September 24, 2008 Share Posted September 24, 2008 Don't get pissed with me, like I said, it was only my opinion. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Garbo Posted September 24, 2008 Author Share Posted September 24, 2008 You're funny. I'm confused. What makes you think I'm p---d? I'm not upset at all. I'm curious what makes you think the way you do, why you have the opinion that you do. I'm curious how someone can live their life that way and attain the goals they want. Link to post Share on other sites
superd Posted September 24, 2008 Share Posted September 24, 2008 Who said that you can even begin to figure me out. Second of all, I don't believe in plans or goals. I just like to achieve some peace of mind everyday, that is what does it for me. Thats what I consider achievement, whether it sounds strange or not. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Garbo Posted September 24, 2008 Author Share Posted September 24, 2008 superd, I choose to live my life with goals and plans, but that's just me. Good luck with your day to day peace of mind. I hope it works out for you. Peace Link to post Share on other sites
Lucky_One Posted September 24, 2008 Share Posted September 24, 2008 If he's not being forthcoming, or opening discussion, or even continuing discussion....I see a whuppin' great big red flag here..... I don't see a red flag from him, unless you also see a red flag from Garbo for not continuing the conversation herself. Dialogues take two people. Neither one of them sound particularly forthcoming or talkative! Garbo, I would fix a nice dinner one night when there are no pressing plans the next day and when he doesn't have his kids and open a nice bottle of wine. And then talk. No TV, no presidential debates - just talking about you, him, both sets of hopes and dreams, discussions of a joint future. Practice saying hard things in the car while you are driving around by yourself ("do you ever think of being married to me?" "I would like to have children with you. Would you like to have children with me?") if you are scared of saying some things directly. Good luck. I agree that 38 is getting to be a time of consideration if you want to have children of your own. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Garbo Posted September 24, 2008 Author Share Posted September 24, 2008 Lucky One, Thanks for the great advice. Yes, you are right...I have not been as open and forthcoming either here. I start to feel like I'm being pushy and he tells me he feels like he's being put under a microscope, and I back off. But the more I think about it, if you are serious about someone, both parties should be able to know the other's hopes and dreams and goals without feeling that way. I already know that this man has problems expressing his feelings so it feels like pulling teeth sometimes. garbo Link to post Share on other sites
manugeorge Posted September 24, 2008 Share Posted September 24, 2008 Lucky One, Thanks for the great advice. Yes, you are right...I have not been as open and forthcoming either here. I start to feel like I'm being pushy and he tells me he feels like he's being put under a microscope, and I back off. But the more I think about it, if you are serious about someone, both parties should be able to know the other's hopes and dreams and goals without feeling that way. I already know that this man has problems expressing his feelings so it feels like pulling teeth sometimes. garbo Please don't be intimidated by that. I hate when people pull that statement out of a hat and expect you to go cower in a corner. It's your life too and it is not too much to ask if he wants to be involved in it and in what capacity. Usually, the ones who have differing goals to yours are ones who use that statement. They are too cowardly to tell you to your face what they really think. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Garbo Posted September 24, 2008 Author Share Posted September 24, 2008 manugeorge, I know what you mean, and he knows what he is doing. It's a defense mechanism. His profession deals with psychology, he deals with others' issues, yet when it comes to his own, he clams up. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted September 24, 2008 Share Posted September 24, 2008 You're into this relationship a year and are both 38 years old. Get those lines of communications going or you're setting up a mutually mute relationship where wants and needs of the other, are set aside for the sake of peace. While you have to do this sometimes, goals in life are a huge deal. Never be afraid to lose someone. If they can't or won't meet your reasonable needs, it's time to move on and find someone who has the same life goals. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Garbo Posted September 24, 2008 Author Share Posted September 24, 2008 We are both the first relationship after our divorces so we are both in rebound relationships. I have heard from friends of rebounds that do last because the goals are the same. For instance, one friend told me of her divorced sister who was set up with a divorcee by mutual friends and they hit it off so well, decided they both wanted a family and children, and they married within a year and have a kid and have been married for years. I think in my situation that he is comfortable where he is at. Any other Taurus out there? I hear they like routine and not big on change. He has told me that kids are a lot of work. Really? Am I that stupid? Link to post Share on other sites
Lucky_One Posted September 24, 2008 Share Posted September 24, 2008 Yes, kids are a lot of work, esp if you are good parent! My XH was a Taurus, but I don't pay attention to astological signs. He was a committed control freak who was detail oriented. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Garbo Posted September 24, 2008 Author Share Posted September 24, 2008 Lucky One, I typically don't pay that close attention to astro signs, but my SO does fit the Taurus character to a T. It just irritates me when people with kids think people without kids are ignorant about kids. Even if I was not around parents and kids, I would still be smart enough to realize, through reading and experiences, that yes, kids are hard work. And some things that are worth it involve hard work. I think the long term benefit of having kids is worth the hard work. I tend to think that my SO is kind of trying to discourage me from wanting kids when he says that. Also, he has told me before how a woman's breasts are not the same after childbirth...that they sort of go flat. Okay, again, I think most women know this fact regardless of whether they have kids or not. Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby Slippers Posted September 24, 2008 Share Posted September 24, 2008 Any other Taurus out there? I hear they like routine and not big on change. He has told me that kids are a lot of work. Really? Am I that stupid? What is your sign? I love Tauruses, but I am supposed to be very compatible with them and always have found that to be the case. They tend to be extremely reliable and loyal. Kids ARE hard work. In most cases, when people have kids, their lives completely revolve around them. It's a big change and a lifetime commitment. I think you definitely need to know where he stands on marriage and kids. If you don't want the same things, there's no point wasting your time with him. Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby Slippers Posted September 24, 2008 Share Posted September 24, 2008 I tend to think that my SO is kind of trying to discourage me from wanting kids when he says that. Also, he has told me before how a woman's breasts are not the same after childbirth...that they sort of go flat. Okay, again, I think most women know this fact regardless of whether they have kids or not. I agree it sounds like he is waffling on the kids thing. It makes sense, though. He's already had two, so he might not want more. If you are certain you do, and he makes up his mind that he doesn't, well, that's that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Garbo Posted September 25, 2008 Author Share Posted September 25, 2008 Well, I had a serious talk with SO last night. Asked him directly some of the questions I needed direct answers to. His answer to part of him not wanting kids was: stress, financial, and how it will affect his kids to bring someone else into the family. He never thinks about having kids with me, and at this time in his life does not want any more. However, he says, those feelings could change knowing that I want them. Although he has thought of marriage with me on occasion and feels I have qualities he wants in his life for the rest of his life, he doesn't think of marriage every day. As a matter of fact, he point out told me last night he "can't" talk about marriage with me. Whatever that means, all of this pretty much puts me in a place I'd rather not be. If I was to get pregnant, that wouldn't be a good thing for me. Now I have to ask myself what to do? Wait and see and buy some more time to see if his views change or leave? I hate being in this position. At this moment, today, I just want to turn my cell phone on silent and not speak to him. Link to post Share on other sites
Lucky_One Posted September 25, 2008 Share Posted September 25, 2008 It might be time to stop the relationship. If your end goal is marriage and natural children, you (sadly enough) don't have tons of time. If you are fine with just marriage, then you might want to see where this R goes, and know that your only children will be stepchildren. How IS your R with those kids? Do you love them deeply? Are they happy with you in their lives? Link to post Share on other sites
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