"Friends First" vs. "The Friendzone"

[Bells]

I tried doing a search on this...but the searched kept timing out and not working...so I gave up and decided to post....lol

 

However, I figured this would be a bit different, considering me comparing the two above.

 

The woman I just started talking to stated alot of HER Friends jump into relationships RIGHT off the bat, willey-nilley without thinking first.

 

I've seen this happen as well, one time a friend of mine brought a female friend with her, and she met a guy at this nightclub...they actually started kissing intimately within 15 mins of dancing with each other.

 

Some people would call this Chemistry, I call it Lust.

 

So she says to me that she prefers being friends first and going from there.

 

Now...I'm ALL for friends first, because ....if you're looking for marriage or a die hard relationship....I find that to be a requirement.

 

However...not only do some men have a problem with being friends with women...but they have a problem (I don't...but it DOES Have me concerned after hearing a few guys say this)

 

That with the "Friends First", TIMING is ESSENTIAL. If you don't "make a move" in a certain amt of time...you'll be doomed to the friendzone.

 

Now, personally, I really don't thinkt here even SHOULD be a friendzone...in the OLDEN days, of the 1950's and such...I don't think ANY guy was friendzoned..and well, ANY interaction with a woman wound up in marriage. lol.

 

Though I have seen women say, "I've been on my 5th date with this guy, and he hasn't tried to kiss me yet." But yet she still dates him.

 

Some tend to also confused with men NOT wanting to do "Friends First"...as just wanting sex, and nothing more. Well, we'd want to have sex.....eventually, right??

 

Now, for those who have a belief system in remaining celibate until marriage...just subsitute sex for kissing/heavy petting/hand holding.

 

One in the same.

 

But I am hearing these says that sometimes "Friends First" is a hassle, because you have to deal with the "Timing' in such matters.

 

My recommendation.....FLIRT alot. That's right...flirt....if you don't "Flirt" with your female "Friend"....that can put you in the friendzone...correct?

 

Example....I was on the phone with her, and she mentioned her daughter was a Hooters waitress, and that when her daughter went to apply for the job...that she was hired on Instantly...and her mother stated that she has "the looks"

 

My response?

 

"Well, she gets her good looks from her mother"

 

And she goes "awwww...that's sweet!"

 

So see....I made a flirtaceous move...THUS keeping me out of the friend zone! I made the lady's heart melt when I said that.

 

Also, I would think being a little touchy feely with her during your date...now I'm not talking GROPING or anything, ie - placing your hand gently on the small of her back.

 

Keeping the "flirting" going will more than likely keep you out of the friendzone.

[A.G.Doren]

I was thinking about starting a thread to discuss this very topic. I've found starting out as friends works if the guy stays flirty and makes me feel attractive without suggesting a relationship. Once the guy starts talking relationship and asking relationship type of questions I'm going to get a little irritated if he tries to keep things just friends for now.

 

Example....I was on the phone with her, and she mentioned her daughter was a Hooters waitress, and that when her daughter went to apply for the job...that she was hired on Instantly...and her mother stated that she has "the looks"

 

My response?

 

"Well, she gets her good looks from her mother"

 

And she goes "awwww...that's sweet!"

 

 

I think you're example strikes a good balance.

[Suiyobi]

Heh, so flirting is the secret ingredient, eh?

[A.G.Doren]

Heh, so flirting is the secret ingredient, eh?

 

Makes all the difference.

[Star Gazer]

You don't get it.

 

You're in the "friendzone" is when the object of your affection "isn't feeling it." Never has, never will "feel it," and therefore there never has been any romantic potential.

 

"Friends first" is simply the first step down the road to romance.

 

They're quite different. Nothing about how you act (e.g., whether you make a move in X number of dates) is going to change that.

[Jersey Shortie]

Well, I am currently in this situation with a guy I like and don't know what to do. I don't know if he lost interest in a romantic relationship or is just gun shy. We started off on a friend term, and then it started to go towards romance. We went on a date where he asked and paid. But then he never made a move to kiss me or I didn't really give him a good oppurtunity to, and since then we have slowly been going into a more "friend" relationship. I know his last girlfriend cheated on him, and his friends have said he is gun shy. But I can't tell if he has the interest there or not or thinks I don't have the interest. Men!

[xpaperxcutx]

I think this topic also falls under the PUA category. I mean basically you're trying to come up methods to get passed being "friend-zoned".

[kchiapet95]

You don't get it.

 

You're in the "friendzone" is when the object of your affection "isn't feeling it." Never has, never will "feel it," and therefore there never has been any romantic potential.

 

"Friends first" is simply the first step down the road to romance.

 

They're quite different. Nothing about how you act (e.g., whether you make a move in X number of dates) is going to change that.

 

Bingo! You got it.

 

The only time I put a guy in the friendzone is when I'm not attracted to him. I think he's a nice guy, but romantically, zilch there. And nothing changes that. You either are, or you aren't. If a guy in the friendzone hits on me, I usually laugh it off nervously or just ignore it completely. I don't suddenly see him in a new romantic light.

[carhill]

So she says to me that she prefers being friends first and going from there.

 

So she says

 

I heard that a lot over the years, generally from women who "collected" men as "friends". Some were genuine; some were ego-feed freaks. I don't give much credence to what a woman says on this subject, TBH.

[backspacectrl]

being friends first could be the best things you can do.

 

just friends with no intentions.

 

when someone makes a move on the other person and they are rejected with the "lets be friends" theres a slim chance ull ever have a relationship with that person, its like breaking up with some one in advance. there is something about that person that makes them unfit for a relationship with the break-er.

 

when you friends and only friends, you can develope a history with them, make memories, get to know them, see if you like them as a person, the list goes on and on. when you can get through the first few shells of a person and find out if you are still head over heals for them ull have a better relationship and wont brake-up over the stupid things like:

 

"i didnt know he would act like that in public"

 

or

 

"we have nothing in common"

 

or even

 

 

 

"you moral values are differnt then i thought they would be"

 

 

or

 

 

"she looked like a nice person but she turns in to super bitch when shes sad"

[carhill]

IME and IMO, friends just don't have the same investment and same expectations of each other that people in relationships (by that I mean romantic relationships) do. I know from personal experience that friendships can go on for years and certain "layers of the onion" never get peeled back because the level of intimacy is different. I'm speaking from a male perspective here. Women generally don't share with men "friends" (the platonic ones) the way they do with their girlfriends.

 

I've had long-term platonic female friends and speak from much experience. I've enjoyed innocent flirtations with them during times of relationship stress (theirs) and listened to their problems and shared their joys. It's a different kind of love; one borne of mutual respect, shared interests and absolutely no sexual chemistry. It's just a feeling, but it is a strong one.

 

If a lady finds me attractive, and I her, we can get to know each other in a friendly way over time, parallel with the romantic part. It's called pacing a relationship; peeling that onion back without the romance and emotion getting ahead of the developing friendship, rather augmenting it. Such a process takes maturity and compatibility. It's not easy. Nothing worthwhile ever is

[Jersey Shortie]

It's not easy. Nothing worthwhile ever is

 

People say that to make themselves feel better about how much dating can suck. Like you are suppose to find happiness in the fact that the happiness you are looking for (romantic relationship wise) falls through.

[Bells]

So she says

 

I heard that a lot over the years, generally from women who "collected" men as "friends". Some were genuine; some were ego-feed freaks. I don't give much credence to what a woman says on this subject, TBH.

 

Well, we made a "date", to catch a movie and eat at a full blown restaurant. Yes...the traditional date. I am even picking her up.

 

The first time we got together was more spontaneous...we were with a group of friends, then when everyone split up, I said, "Hey, mind if we stop by <name of bar> and I buy you a drink?"

 

And talked for a couple of hours...it was great.

 

So, I guess this is our 2nd date.....though she says, "I really look forward to 'hanging out' with you again!"

 

She said it twice during our conversation.

 

Now-a-days....people to use the word "Hang out" as a replacement for the word "date"...because, well, people kind of get uncomfortable at that word.

 

But, hey, if it walks like a duck, talks like a duck...etc,etc,etc.

 

I have even talked, as a third party, saying, "So, any new dating prospects in your life?"

 

And he OR she would say, "Well, there's this guy/girl I've been kinda 'hangin' out' with."

 

So, the words "dating" and "Hanging out" CAN indeed be used interchangably.

 

During our conversations of late, I flirted with her about how pretty she is, some innuendos she giggled at, and so on.

 

I'm not going to play "Unich" (sp?) during our date....I'm tend on being flirty and touchy feely to see how she responds. (not touchy feely in a slimey way, but more touchy feely in an affectionate way.)

[Kamille]

This thread is PUA, even written in SS style, but I like it and I agree.

 

Bells, I'm not worried about you. You sound like you know how to flirt. But, just a reminder : the number one thing you want to do to keep her romantic interest at a peak: touch her in subtle gentlemanly ways. When you're opening a door for her, touch her lower back (kind of like you're leading her in).

 

Also, at the right time, lean in a little while looking at her lips. Then back out with a flirtatious smile.

 

Works for me.

[carhill]

People say that to make themselves feel better about how much dating can suck. Like you are suppose to find happiness in the fact that the happiness you are looking for (romantic relationship wise) falls through.

Funnily, I've never lamented dating, even though I've had a tougher time than many (I assume). Perhaps some of us struggle more to achieve in life and are content with that struggle. That's where my perspective comes from. Achievements result from facing challenges and working through the problems. Some people, like my wife, prefer the result. I live for and love the process. Differences make us who we are

[Jersey Shortie]

I'd enjoy the process much more if I new the result was going to be something I wanted! I know it doesn't work that way though.

[Balthazar]

It is very important to work with a woman who is attracted to you.

"Creating attraction" as PUA's say is very difficult to do.

You can resort to all types of tricks, but nothing is better than a strong initial attraction.

 

I am not sure if there are many differences between "friends first" and "friend zoning".

 

It would probably be a good idea to poll people on LS on how many times they have had a fruitful romantic relationship develop from a "friends first" stage.

[norajane]

It would probably be a good idea to poll people on LS on how many times they have had a fruitful romantic relationship develop from a "friends first" stage.

 

I have been friends first with every man I've ever been in a long term relationship with, and many shorter term ones. Some I was attracted to right away, and with some, the attraction grew after I got to know them.

 

Friends first and friendzone are two very different things.

[likestolaugh]

what if there was a strong intial attraction, but for a variety of reasons it didn't work out the first time, and are now friends. Will there be another time down the road? perhaps...

[gfto]

The woman I just started talking to stated alot of HER Friends jump into relationships RIGHT off the bat, willey-nilley without thinking first.

***

So she says to me that she prefers being friends first and going from there.

***

Example....I was on the phone with her, and she mentioned her daughter was a Hooters waitress, and that when her daughter went to apply for the job...that she was hired on Instantly...and her mother stated that she has "the looks"

 

My response?

 

"Well, she gets her good looks from her mother"

 

And she goes "awwww...that's sweet!"

 

 

Have met this woman in person yet?

[carhill]

It would probably be a good idea to poll people on LS on how many times they have had a fruitful romantic relationship develop from a "friends first" stage.

Never, if you don't count flirtatious innuendos with married friends

 

Seriously, never, not once in 23 years of dating/knowing women past the age of 18 until I got married. Had lots of female friends.

[Bells]

It is very important to work with a woman who is attracted to you.

"Creating attraction" as PUA's say is very difficult to do.

You can resort to all types of tricks, but nothing is better than a strong initial attraction.

 

I am not sure if there are many differences between "friends first" and "friend zoning".

 

It would probably be a good idea to poll people on LS on how many times they have had a fruitful romantic relationship develop from a "friends first" stage.

 

What is PUA?

[Bells]

Never, if you don't count flirtatious innuendos with married friends

 

Seriously, never, not once in 23 years of dating/knowing women past the age of 18 until I got married. Had lots of female friends.

 

Carhill....I once heard an instance, (this was when I was back in college)

 

There were these 2 SGA members, apparently they knew each other (as friends of course) for about , say 5 years...after that they wound up dating/ getting engaged and then marrying, so you never know I suppose.

[Bells]

Have met this woman in person yet?

 

Sure have....been out with her once already.

 

I was told that "friends first" is better, but some here say that's NOT the case for some reason.

[Trialbyfire]

90% of my relationships started with "interested friends first". The addition of the word interested means that they expressed interest and continued to do so. If a guy doesn't express interest beyond friendship, he's automatically "friend-zoned".