on crying

[shadowplay]

I know I've been starting a lot of threads in the past few days, but I'm going through a rough emotional time all of a sudden. I guess the impact of the breakup is finally hitting me.

 

If you're exhausted by reading my threads, I apologize in advance.

 

I'm trying now to understand some things that were said or done that have left me wondering about how to act in a relationship in the future. Things that just really cut me to the core.

 

One of the most painful experiences I had when things were going badly, the last few months, was how my bf would react when I was really hurting and couldn't hold back the tears.

 

He once said to me "every time you cry I care less."

 

I'm generally not a very weepy person but I was in so much pain a lot of the time because of how cold and moody he was that I found the tears nearly impossible to contain.All I wanted at those times was for him to hold me and say "don't cry, baby. I love you." Instead he would get this annoyed, glazed over expression like he was mentally checking his watch.

 

I remember once saying to him, "I love you so much, M. So much. I would do anything for you. You're breaking my heart." He looked right through me and said "the words are bouncing right off me."

 

Should I build up an emotional wall? Is this how all guys react to tears?

 

I don't know what to do because it's not something I have much control over. I'm bad at disguising my feelings. It becomes a vicious cycle where the guy acts distant which makes me more likely to cry and when I do he pulls back even more. How do I stop the cycle? Why can't I just bare my soul and be emotional without being rejected?

 

It felt like watching a train wreck in slo-mo where I knew I was pushing him away but I didn't know how to stop myself and keep the feelings in.

[backto1]

I don't know a simple answer to this but I was once in a somewhat similar place. A lot of it depends on the circumstances.

 

Before she turned 21, my g/f used to cry if I went out when her friends were busy. If she had her friends to go out with, she didn't care at all. Well her crying hurt me at first but after a couple times it just started to make me annoyed and angry instead of feel for her. Of course this was an outrageously unfair situation so you can probably see why her tears stopped affecting me the same way.

[sweetbutcheeky]

I think if the person is meant for you then you will be able to feel they way you feel, be comforted and not push them away or feel guilty.

 

As for the girl crying whenever he left to go out with friends, that's an extreme and sounds like she has troubles being alone.

[Star Gazer]

I think your BF sees your tears as crying wolf. They comes so often, that they have no impact anymore. The response you desired from your BF upon seeing you cry suggests to me that you'd rather avoid the real issues in the relationship (including issues with your own thinking and behavior), and further suggests you require a lot of external validation.

 

I cannot stress or repeat enough that you need to spend a LONG TIME working on you, and only you, learning to love yourself. Don't worry about relationships right now, Shadow.

[sweetbutcheeky]

All I wanted at those times was for him to hold me and say "don't cry, baby. I love you." Instead he would get this annoyed, glazed over expression like he was mentally checking his watch.

 

I don't see anything wrong with wanting to be consoled when your hurting. Though from his reaction (though very hurtful and you deserve better than that) it does seem like he is glazed over because he is thinking, oh here come the tears again. It's gotten old being so frequent. It doesn't sound like he ever consoled you which is the main thing and good thing he is gone, everyone needs a supportive partner.

[shadowplay]

I think your BF sees your tears as crying wolf. They comes so often, that they have no impact anymore. The response you desired from your BF upon seeing you cry suggests to me that you'd rather avoid the real issues in the relationship (including issues with your own thinking and behavior), and further suggests you require a lot of external validation.

 

I cannot stress or repeat enough that you need to spend a LONG TIME working on you, and only you, learning to love yourself. Don't worry about relationships right now, Shadow.

 

You're right that he thought I was crying wolf, but I wasn't. It was more that he was so inconsistent that I would get upset and then he would get worse. I was in a lot of pain and it seems like nothing could get through to him.

 

I know I sabotaged the relationship early on, and I really hope that's the reason he couldn't be supportive. But part of me fears that he would have done this no matter what...and that I'll never find a partner who will be there for me through rain or shine. That any guy would get cold when I cried. To me that's the worst feeling, to have someone turn your back on you at your most vulnerable.

 

Yeah, I need some relationship off time.

[shadowplay]

I don't know a simple answer to this but I was once in a somewhat similar place. A lot of it depends on the circumstances.

 

Before she turned 21, my g/f used to cry if I went out when her friends were busy. If she had her friends to go out with, she didn't care at all. Well her crying hurt me at first but after a couple times it just started to make me annoyed and angry instead of feel for her. Of course this was an outrageously unfair situation so you can probably see why her tears stopped affecting me the same way.

 

Well, that is slightly different since her need to be with you at all times was ungair and unhealthy. In her case it sounds like her crying may have been more of a manipulation tactic, but who can really understand another's pain without being in their head.

 

I tended to cry when my bf said hurtful things, like when I told him I loved him and he said "the words are bouncing right off me." Or when I reminded him of a time when he said he couldn't bear the thought of losing me and he responded with "I can bear it now."

[Star Gazer]

I know I sabotaged the relationship early on, and I really hope that's the reason he couldn't be supportive.

 

That's exactly right, Shadow. You sabotaged it by requiring external validation in the form of attention from another man. You wanted your BF to fight for you, not say, "Hmm, my GF wants to f--k you, so go ahead." When he didn't give you that external validation, you crumbled...and needed more....and more....and more.

 

But part of me fears that he would have done this no matter what...and that I'll never find a partner who will be there for me through rain or shine.

 

You can't expect ANY partner to stick with you through cheating. Ever. If that's your expectation, you'll always be miserable.

 

That any guy would get cold when I cried. To me that's the worst feeling, to have someone turn your back on you at your most vulnerable.

 

As far as your BF is concerned, you'll never know, because you destroyed the relationship before it ever even had a chance. HE TOO was at his most vulnerable, and you treated him very poorly.

[shadowplay]

That's exactly right, Shadow. You sabotaged it by requiring external validation in the form of attention from another man. You wanted your BF to fight for you, not say, "Hmm, my GF wants to f--k you, so go ahead." When he didn't give you that external validation, you crumbled...and needed more....and more....and more.

 

 

 

You can't expect ANY partner to stick with you through cheating. Ever. If that's your expectation, you'll always be miserable.

 

 

 

As far as your BF is concerned, you'll never know, because you destroyed the relationship before it ever even had a chance. HE TOO was at his most vulnerable, and you treated him very poorly.

 

I agree with everything you said...but somehow emotionally it doesn't sink in.

 

I want to believe it's because I cheated on him, because being faithful is something in my control and something I can do different in a future relationship.

 

But somehow I take it as more of a rejection of other things about me that I can't change...like the fact that I'm vulnerable.

 

I'm not sure why it feels this way.

 

Maybe I sabotaged the relationship so I could always use my behavior as an excuse for why it failed...who knows.

[Nevermind]

This may sound really harsh, but it's not my intention to do so.

You are trying to get away from confronting your own guilt and weakness.

 

You try not to see the evident reason for the failure of this relationship, and prefer to create a fear of something fuzzy and unspecified.

 

You're placing the guilt on your ex, and all potential new lovers, for not accepting you as you are. This also plays into your idea that you are different than everybody else.

 

Don't get me wrong, I am not saying you're arrogant or think you're better than everbody. In my opinion, you lack self-esteem and pride of your own accomplishments. But you are estranged from your fellow people, and probably think that this is a sign of uniqueness (good or bad) where it usually is just incompatibility or social awkwardness.

 

I completely understand, and I used to think in similar patterns. That I was too different from everybody to have relationships with anybody. Sad, but a fate that I thought I accepted. In reality, it simply helped me cope with the pain of being alone. It was a lie, to my own face.

 

It's not helping you, neither in your past relationship, nor in your encounters in day-to-day life. Abstract thoughts and theories are well, but in many cases simply looking at the situation you fail in, and change your behaviour will help you more.

 

Your stance on the demise of your relationships is a mechanism to not deal with the real problem. You are used to being singled out, so you applied it here too. But, if you continue to do that you're not allowing yourself to learn a lesson.

[gummybear]

That's exactly right, Shadow. You sabotaged it by requiring external validation in the form of attention from another man. You wanted your BF to fight for you, not say, "Hmm, my GF wants to f--k you, so go ahead." When he didn't give you that external validation, you crumbled...and needed more....and more....and more.

 

 

 

You can't expect ANY partner to stick with you through cheating. Ever. If that's your expectation, you'll always be miserable.

 

 

 

As far as your BF is concerned, you'll never know, because you destroyed the relationship before it ever even had a chance. HE TOO was at his most vulnerable, and you treated him very poorly.

 

 

I completely agree with everything said, esp with the bit on how you can never expect someone to stick with you after you cheated. I am one who cheated and I accept wholeheartedly the fact that my bf dumped me for it. Because just think, if you were the one in his shoes, how you would feel and behave and you might feel better about this situation. I for one know if I was my bf, I would have left myself a loooong time ago haha. I guess I'm surprised he even stayed that long with me.

 

 

Maybe I sabotaged the relationship so I could always use my behavior as an excuse for why it failed...who knows.

 

That is what I did with my bf and I learend that it is a weak and hurtful way (to both yourself and others) to do things. I promised myself to never do that again. It does hurt more to be the perfect gf then having the bf dump you eventhough you never did anything wrong isn't it? The thought of that used to hurt me to the core. But after I went through what I did with my ex (and seemingly what you are going through with your ex), I realized the thought of sabotaging what could be a beautiful relationship hurts 10x more.

[thebrunette]

I think the fairest way to deal with this situation is to cut contact or at least minimise it. I broke up with a partner of 3 years recently (not because of cheating) and am trying to limit contact so as not to hurt him anymore after I had to break up with him. You can't cry and expect him to be your protector anymore, you need to take charge of yourself and let him have time to heal his own wounds, otherwise you are being cruel and he will come to resent you for it.